From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Jan 2000 to 3 Jan 2000 (#2000-3) Date: Monday, January 03, 2000 2:00 AM There are 4 messages totalling 336 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. A Multitiude Of Funny Quotes 2. The new decade (clean) 3. Warning: Special Alert for Stratocaster Owners! 4. The Best Stressed Puns of the Millennium ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 2 Jan 2000 09:35:26 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: A Multitiude Of Funny Quotes The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. - George Carlin Ah, yes, "divorce", from the Latin word meaning "to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" - Larry Miller If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" - Delta Burke You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. - Bill Cosby My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis. - Conan O'Brien Men look at women the way they look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. - Tim Allen There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! - Jay Leno http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Jan 2000 12:18:05 PST From: david jeffries Subject: The new decade (clean) The question has arisen- what do we call the new decade? Decades of the 1900s all evoke images- the twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, sixties... but what do we call the new decade? At least there can be no controversy over whether it's a new millenium, because whatever else, we're certainly not in the nineties. We call could it the zeroes, but that doesn't evoke anything. There's the nulls or the nothings, but that's all very negative. I vote for using the British version of zero, and christen them... "THE NOUGHTIES" ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Jan 2000 16:25:31 -0500 From: "Dan J. Hicks" Subject: Warning: Special Alert for Stratocaster Owners! Warning: Special Y2K Alert for Stratocaster Owners! This alert is being sent to all owners or suspected owners of Fender Stratocasters manufactured before 1995: Warning--Your Strat is NOT Y2K Compliant! That's right, you woke up January 1, 2000, and you noticed that the electricity and water and computers all worked. Your back yard was not full of crashed airplanes. You said to yourself,"Geez, once this hangover goes away, I'll have it made in the shade! A whole new century! A whole new millennium!" This is not the place nor the time to remind you that the century does not really begin until January 1, 2001. No, you've got bigger problems headed right your way as surely as the polka track of a Weird Al Yankovic CD. You think you are going to celebrate with your Strat, picking out some new tunes (with the amp on low, or maybe even disconnected--remember that hangover). Sorry, bub. That guitar ain't playing nothing until you get it up to date. The fact is, your ax is not ready for the year 2000. Hey, don't blame Fender or CBS for this. When the Strat was first intorduced,back in 1954, the year 2000 was almost a half centry away. Well, all right, blame CBS. But don't blame them for the fact that your guitaris going to melt down; blame them for "The Price is Right" and "Touched By An Angel". Those two shows are enough for anyone's conscience to bear. Anyway, being as there no BIOS to flash, and, even if there were, no modem or disk drive to get the flashing into the BIOS,you are going to have to reset your trusy old Stratocaster's clock manually. Now, it isn't as difficult as it might sound. It is a knownfact that the last year that looks exactly like 2000 was 1972. Just like 2000, 1972 began on a Saturday and contained a leap year. This fact is very conforting to owners of Yugoslovian VCRs and other devices that were purchased on the Home Shopping Network, that can't handle the year 2000. Now, you don't have to leave your Strat set at 1972. No, not at all! But, you got to start it there and work it forward, gradually. Here is how you do it. You've got to fool your guitar into thinking it is 1972. Now, Stratocasters are no dummies. It takes a bit of work to fool them. You can't skinp on carrying this out. You have to play songs that were popular in or around 1972. Now, you can't cheat and play just the good ones or the easy tunes. Would that it were so, but it is not. We have prepared a list of the songs that--when played on your instrument and sung--will do all that is scientifically possible to get it's little innards reformated to 1972 --and then to Y2K. You might not mind playing "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young, but you also have to play "A Horse With No Name" by America. You want to play some Chuck Berry? Hey, don't let me stand in your way, but it's got tot be "My Ding-a-ling". You will have to play "I Am Woman"--and you got to sing it, too. I don't care if you are six-foot-six, drive a Harley, and are covered with hair. I don't even care if you are male. Theneighbors have to hear you roar! "American Pie" might seem like an easy choice--not too many chords. But, you have to play the long version. It will take about eight minutes--it won't work if you play it too fast. And it won't work if you leave out any of the verses. You have to include the one about the marchig band and the one about Jack-be-Nimble--the whole thing! Don't blow it or your clock witll go back to 1900 and you'll only be able to play songs off wax cylinders! You can't cheat by playing good stuff from before this era--such as the Beatles. But, if you must include Paul McCartney, you can try some selections from the Wings "Wild Life" LP, if you remember any of them. "Crocodyle Rock" may sound like it's from the 50s, but it came out around 1972 and will go a long way toward reformating your Strat. But, you have to also play "Candy Man" by Sammy Davis Jr. This latter song will help to take away your appitite for those leftover Christmas goodies, and will get you well be a great help if losing weight is one of your New Year's resolutions. Singing and playing "Ben" will not only rehab your instrument, but may be helpful if you have a rat infestation. If your voice doesn't go as high as that of pre-bleach-job Michael Jackson, then you will just have to sing the entire song in falsetto. You probably know the words to "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)", so give that a try. Or mabe you would rather go with Melanie's "Brand New Key". Pickers with a little bit of sour can try the "Theme from Shaft" (Isaac Hayes) or "Pappa Was a Rolling Stone" (The Temptations). But, we warned, mess either of these up you will have to play and sing two songs by Wayne Newton and Paul Anka, respectively: "Daddy, Don't You Walk So Fast" and "Having My Baby". These two songs together should end your roach infestation you may have, until at least the REAL begining of the 21st Century is 2001! Again, we caution you, follow these instructions, carefully. Brush up on the lyrics and belt them out at full vocal volume. Blow this procedure, and you'll be playing backup to groups of Benedectine Monks singing Gregorian Chants! Happy New Year 1972! --Dan J. Hicks Copyright (c) 2000 Dan J. Hicks. This article may be redistributed without charge, as long as it is distributed in its entirety. If any fee is to be charged, permission must be obtained from the author. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Jan 2000 22:11:01 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Best Stressed Puns of the Millennium January 1, 2000 NEWS RELEASE: THE BEST STRESSED PUNS OF THE MILLENNIUM Even though some mathematicians deduce that the twentieth century doesn't end until December 31st 2000, we are too excited to wait to announce what the membership of The International Save the Pun Foundation has voted as The Best Stressed Puns of the Millennium. Sharpen your pun cells, O pun pals. Let's get to wit: • "PUNS ARE THEIR OWN REWORDS!" • How can I use a lighthouse, a rose trellis a windstorm and a dune in a tasteful punecdote? The answer: “HOW ABOUT A BEACON LATTICE AND TORNADO SAND RIDGE?” • A herring who for many years swam along with a friendly whale showed up one day without his companion. When asked where the whale was, the herring replied, “How would I know? AM I MY BLUBBER’S KIPPER? • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank proving once and for all that YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR KAYAK AND HEAT IT, TOO. (Another way) The husband of Kate was called to court on a charge of bigamy. Kate told the judge that his other wife, Edith, was causing too much friction in their marriage. The court ruled that HE COULD NOT HAVE HIS KATE AND EDITH TOO! • "What's black and white and red all over?" A NEWSPAPER! • The Buddhist refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? HE WANTED TO TRANSCEND DENTAL MEDICATION. • A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other, who goes to a family in Spain; is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his natural mom. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wishes that she had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "IF YOU'VE SEEN JUAN, YOU'VE SEEN AMAL." • A punster entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, NO PUN IN TEN DID. • Sign in a cocktail lounge: I’D RATHER HAVE A FREE BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME THAN A PRE FRONTAL LOBOTOMY! • Which is the most feared of the forest inhabitants? A hawk claimed that, because he had the ability to fly, he could attack anything from above, and his prey wouldn’t have a prayer. “Due to my strength, no one would challenge me!” said the lion, pride fully. The skunk, incensed, said, “I need neither flight nor might to frighten off any creature!” The trio were debating the issue, when a grizzly bear came along and swallowed all, … HAWK, LION, and STINKER. • It is better to have loved a short person and lost, Than never to have loved A TALL. • A quintet of dons were strolling through the college campus discussing collective nouns. A troop of kangaroos. A sloth of bears. A bale of turtles. Just then four ladies, graduates of the world’s oldest profession, passed them “How would you quantify a group like that?” the dons juandered. A JAM OF TARTS, said one Don. A FLOURISH OF STRUMPETS, hooted the second. AN ESSAY OF TROLLOPS authored the third. A FROST OF HOARS said the fourth. Icily. AN ANTHOLOGY OF PROSE, the dean of the dons rhymed. “Surely you have overlooked the obvious,” one of the ladies shouted back. A PRIDE OF LOINS. • A handsome young fellow named Clyde Fell into an outhouse and died. His unfortunate brother Fell into another. And now they’re interred side by side. • In knead of some dough A thief got into my house Intruder the window. • A white lie is AVERSION OF THE TRUTH. • In France they cook their omelets with only one egg. You see, in France one egg is UN OEUF. • AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN thought the bride as she entered the church • An ode to marriage: He goes to ADORE He RINGS the BELLE He gives his name to a MAID. And HE’S TAKEN IN. • "If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con', what is the opposite of congress?" •Worry causes falling hair. When the going gets tough, the tufts get going. • The attributes Of bathing suits For lasses of lithesome limb Make me inquire If this attire Is worn to slink or swim. • A bachelor is a cagey guy. He has a load of fun. He likes to check out all the chicks, And never Mrs. one. • Back in the 1930s, William Lyon Phelps of Yale found the following sentence gleaming out of the pages of a freshman essay: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom. " In the margin of the paper, Professor Phelps, commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman, and one who has merely slipped." • One frog croaks to the other, "TIME'S FUN WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FLIES!" • Two ropes walk into an old western saloon. The first rope goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "We don't serve ropes in this saloon," sneers the bartender, who picks up the rope, whirls him around over his head, and tosses him out into the street. "Oh, oh. I'd better disguise myself," thinks the second rope. He ruffles up his ends to make himself look bigger and twists himself into a circle. Then he too sidles up to the bar. "Hmmm. Are you one of them ropes?" snarls the bartender. "NO, I'M A FRAYED KNOT." • An old Texas rancher is drawing up his will so that he might provide for his three boys when he passes away. He decides to divide his land up evenly among them. His wife suggests that he name the place The Focus Ranch. "Why should I do that, my love?" "Because it is where THE SONS RAISE MEAT. " •The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members. •Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert The International Save the Pun Foundation ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jan 2000 to 3 Jan 2000 (#2000-3) ********************************************************