From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 2000 to 4 Jan 2000 (#2000-4) Date: Tuesday, January 04, 2000 2:00 AM There are 8 messages totalling 367 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. What Number? 2. The Twelve Days of Technology 3. Cartoon Characters 4. Original Groaner 5. Y2K Transition: No Biggie for Academe 6. SENSUS MAKER 7. Guess Who?? 8. How I lost my new Mercedes ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 06:57:14 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: What Number? To determine the source of an internal ailment, a young blonde had to undergo a battery of diagnostic tests. All was going fine until he was give a form to sign which stated that one out of 10,000 people had a violent allergic reaction to one of the tests. Obviously very concerned, she asked the doctor, "What number are they on now?" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 14:39:53 +0200 From: Felix Chirciu Subject: The Twelve Days of Technology (Oldie, via alt.sysadmin.recovery. Orig. source unknown) On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me: A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?) On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?) And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!) On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything) Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net) And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?) On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over) Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial things?) Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?) And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer error?) On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!) Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold? Three French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's. Why do you ask?) Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know which ones to fix!) And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!) On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!) Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!") Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? Damn!) Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen...) Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're in the ceiling!) And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this was written?) On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Seven license failures (Expired? When?) Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!) Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?) Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this time...) Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key, but...) Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!) And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars - NOW!) On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security violation!) Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?) Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?) Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't it?) Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer me back - DAMN!) Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program) Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling transceiver"?) And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?) Felix ---------------------- "Shhh!... Be vewy, vewy quiet! I'm hunting wabbits." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:57:39 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Cartoon Characters In honor of Charles Schultz, who's retiring Charlie Brown and the gang. ----------------------- Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Thought they've been around almost 50 years the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to Charles Schulz: Charlie Brown: Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses. Linus: Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. Only man who makes Bill Gates nervous. Lucy: Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven. Schroeder: After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean of his piano. Sally: Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Baboo. Sells Mary Kay. Peppermint Patty: Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything." Snoppy: In dog years, he be 350. What do you think would've happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy farm in Snoopy's memory. by John C. Davenport The Dallas Morning News (via MsKitty) ***************************** There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker. -- Charles M. Schultz ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 10:46:19 -0800 From: Clynch Varnadore Subject: Original Groaner --0__=LFuKOv8RFQFmpFKusjIUItEJesuIk48Fzes3GIoly9L4vEZHqV6kBJWo Content-type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Disposition: inline Here's another groaner which I've just written: When we lived there, my wife and I used to walk the beach a lot. One summer we noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn --0__=LFuKOv8RFQFmpFKusjIUItEJesuIk48Fzes3GIoly9L4vEZHqV6kBJWo Content-type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 Content-Disposition: inline Content-transfer-encoding: quoted-printable ?t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would app= roach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then spe= ak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wande= r off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange = of money for something she carried in her bag. My wife and I assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cop= s, but we didn?t know for sure so we just continued to watch her. After a couple = of weeks my wife said, ?Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to pe= ople with boom boxes and other electronic devices?? I hadn?t, and I said so. Then she said, ?Tomorrow I want you to get a t= owel and our big radio and go lay out on the beach. Then we can find out what sh= e?s really doing.? Well, the plan went off without a hitch and my wife was almost hopping = up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to me and then leave.= I walked up the beach and met her at the road. ?Well? Is she selling drugs?? she asked, excitement pouring out with he= r voice. ?No, she?s not.? I said, enjoying this probably more than I should have= . ?Well? What is it, then? What does she do?? my wife fairly shrieked. I smirked and said, ?She sells ?C? cells by the sea shore.? by Clynch Varnadore = --0__=LFuKOv8RFQFmpFKusjIUItEJesuIk48Fzes3GIoly9L4vEZHqV6kBJWo-- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 15:59:31 -0500 From: Jim Mica Subject: Y2K Transition: No Biggie for Academe Today's Chronicle of Higher Ed (3-jan-1900)* reports that the "Y2K Bug" was a "New Year's No-show." The article, written by Florence Olsen, says everything went smoothly. There was, however, some excitement at CUNY in New York City: At the City University of New York, eight technology-staff members spent New Year's Eve in the mainframe center at West 57th Street and 11th Avenue, keeping one eye on the mainframe and the other on Times Square, says Michael Ribaudo, university dean for instructional technology and information systems at CUNY. The only heartstopper of the evening happened, he says, when the 10-year-old son of one of his colleagues, who was in the center that night, put his hand up to the mainframe and asked, "What's this switch for?" "I almost had a heart attack," says Mr. Ribaudo. "That was about as bad as it got." --30-- I guess we've gone from trying to be Y2K compliant to being Y2K complacent and are now Y2K conversant. jhm ___________________________________ * Yes, it did have 2000. This is a little joke. -- jiM Mica JMICA@ITHACA.EDU Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language. -Ludwig Wittgenstein ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 14:35:25 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: SENSUS MAKER I was setting on my porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling young man," I asked. "I'm not selling anything," the joung man said. I'm the Census Taker." "A what ?" the man asked. "A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea.?" If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 17:00:18 EST From: SueS7@AOL.COM Subject: Guess Who?? Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics: *29 have been accused of spousal abuse *7 have been arrested for fraud *19 have been accused of writing bad checks *117 have bankrupted at least two businesses *3 have been arrested for assault *71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit *14 have been arrested on drug-related charges *8 have been arrested for shoplifting *21 are current defendants in lawsuits *In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving Can you guess which organization this is? Give up? It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 09:07:19 +0800 From: "Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central)" Subject: How I lost my new Mercedes Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!" =========================================== Jokes Make My Day (JMMD) Digest Our Fun Site, http://www.penang.org/JMMD/ =========================================== ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 2000 to 4 Jan 2000 (#2000-4) ********************************************************