From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Feb 2000 to 2 Feb 2000 (#2000-33) Date: Wednesday, February 02, 2000 2:00 AM There are 7 messages totalling 459 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. STUPID QUESTIONS get GREATE RePLies 2. Quotes/Observations 3. What's Wrong With Me, Doc?! 4. Do you also have it? 5. Humor - Weird Business News #23 (1st of3) 6. Because... 7. Lending ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 01:31:20 -0600 From: RANEBOUXshesaid Subject: STUPID QUESTIONS get GREATE RePLies I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked the second most stupid question I've ever heard "Are you reading that paper?" I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, "Yes." "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." RANEBOUX accept no other *^* http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ *^*^ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 07:04:42 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Quotes/Observations "Don't lie, cheat, or steal; the government hates competition." "Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the age of 25." .....Mary Ann Tebedo (Republican member of the Colorado State Senate), remark on the Senate floor during the 1995 session, quoted in the Denver Post, May 14, 1995 "Christmas Sale of Methodist Women at West-Side Church" ....Headline in the Springfield (Massachusetts) Daily News "Health department says death certificates are to be ordered one week in advance of death." ....From the Lancaster (Ohio) Eagle-Gazette How come professional athletes never ask to renegotiate their contracts for LESS money after they have a bad season? If the music's too loud you're too old. I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in. Sign at church: "Come early to get a back seat." One media personality asking another if they think there has been excessive coverage of the JFK tragedy is like asking one prostitute to evaluate the lifestyle of another prostitute. DARE to keep Cops off Donuts. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. ....Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974) Synonym: A word you can use when you can't spell the other one. In years gone by people actually believed that foolish spending stopped when one ran out of money. The reason we can't take it with us is because it goes before we do. The older I get, the better I was. Ok, for the last time. Soccer will never be an American sport. If it was, there would be Monday Night Soccer on TV. Make the field smaller, the scoring higher, and the game shorter, then we'll talk. I love my country. It's the government that pisses me off. I can hold my own. But I'd rather hold yours. A lady is a woman who makes it easy for a man to be a gentleman. People fear Hillary for much the same reasons they fear rattlesnakes and rabid dogs. You never know what they will do next but you do know they are dangerous. Exactly what does a "hoochie mama" look like? Tell me: when did voyeurism, invasion of privacy and lack of sensitivity become synonymous with journalism? All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body. Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up? Memo to CNN: "Breaking News" should be NEW information, not more of the same old stuff you've been telling us all day. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. BUMPER STICKER - My Wife's other car is a broom! Life is a sexually transmitted disease. When the media does it, it's called "news coverage." When an individual does it, it's called "stalking." Soccer will always be America's future sport -- but never the sport of the present. Why is it that when I work three hours past quitting time, the only thing my boss can think to say is "why were you 10 minutes late this morning?" "If I ever make it on Wheel of Fortune, I'm sneakin' in my own vowels under my jacket. No way I'm gonna pay $250, especially for a 'U'." Some tortures are physical and some are mental but the one that's both is dental. ....Ogden Nash "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." I don't want to complain about the workmanship on the new homes of today, but my son just bought a new house. He said opportunity knocked the other day and did $176 worth of damage to his door. I remember when we moved in our new house. It came with just about everything you could think of built-in. It was the first time my wife ever had a microwave. We ate our first Thanksgiving dinner at 7:30 in the morning. You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach. Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time, his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Don't worry about the world ending today...it's already tomorrow in Australia. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved. Honk if you love peace and quiet. His last will and testament completed, the old gentleman was slowly dying. He assured his son that all his wealth and property would soon pass to him. The Yuppie son wept and said, "Dad! Dad! I can't tell you how very grateful I am. Is there anything, anything at all I can do?" The old man looked him straight in the eye and said, "Well, you could remove your foot from my oxygen hose for starters. And Moses looked upon the Lord and said: "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off our WHAT?!" Ackroyd-ish: In Manatea County, Fla., it is now illegal for women to expose more than 75 percent of their breasts in public. Is that fair? I mean, why is it a woman exposes 75 percent of her breasts on the beach, she gets arrested and threatened with a fine and imprisonment. But the cable guy comes to your house, bends over your TV and exposes 100 percent of his ass, nobody cares!? ....Steve Voldseth On the Campaign Trail: Lamar Alexander is running for president. "You know, nice man. Doesn't have the best campaign slogan, though. 'Lamar, the other white guy.'" .....Jay Leno) On the Outs: Actor Tom Arnold and his wife are divorcing after 3 1/2 years of marriage. "Gee, I didn't see that coming." ....Chris Pina Will Work For Sunscreen: Hawaii's Governor Cayetano wants "Baywatch" to reconsider its planned move to Austrailia, citing a statewide shortage of bikini-clad model/actresses. ....Bannon Higher Education: The University of Georgia has instituted a program that encourages students to turn in other students they see cheating. The university will now be the first in the nation to offer a Bachelor of Fine Squealer degree. They are even thinking of renaming the college and calling it Linda Tripp U. ....Bill Williams Doggie Do Do: A Canadian company has announced plans to open a summer day camp for dogs. I've been sending my dog to a summer day camp for years. It's called my neighbor's front lawn. ....Voldseth Car Show: A company in Vienna, Austria, is now offering a brothel-in-a-limousine service. For $250 an hour, you get a chauffeur, all the alcohol you can drink, and a woman who will do anything you want. We've had that in this country for years, haven't we? I think it's called prom night. ....Voldseth Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 08:24:47 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: What's Wrong With Me, Doc?! The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "The old perfesser's in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him." -------------------------------------- After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Well, perfesser, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill hisself," the old perfesser replied. "I hung him up to dry." -------------------------------------- The old perfesser to the doctor: "Do you think that I gave my wife the yeast infection? Because a couple of days ago, I drank a few beers and then had sex with her." -------------------------------------- MrsPerfesser was in the gynecological stirrups, and her doctor was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said brusquely, "Look, madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would you please stop squeezing my hand?" -------------------------------------- From the "Valdostan Guide To Perfessers: Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease -------------------------------------- The old perfesser was adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas transplant. . ." "What makes you think you need all these?" asked his doctor. "Well," replied the old perfesser, "the Dean said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized." -------------------------------------- The old perfesser had a physical. It had been a while since his last check-up, ten years in fact. He remembers now why he doesn't like them. It's that part where the doctor puts on the rubber gloves for the rectal exam. Afterwards, the old perfesser said, "Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" "I used two fingers," the doctor answered matter of factly. "Whatever for?" "I needed a second opinion." -------------------------------------- The old perfesser doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint. "Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive." "Come on now, perfesser," the doctor said, "your sex drive's all in your head." "That's what I mean, Doc... you've got to lower it a little!!" -------------------------------------- The old perfesser goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "Well, perfesser, what seems to be the problem?" The old perfesser says, "I don't know Doc. Every day I look in the mirror when I get up and I just look so bad! Then I drink some coffee and check again and I still look bad. But I don't know what's wrong with me, cause even though I look bad, I *feel* good." The doctor pulls out his big diagnostic book and starts flipping through it. "Hmmm," he says reading, "looks good feels good - no, that's not you. . . looks bad feels bad - no that's not you either . . .looks good feels bad - nope. Oh, here it is: Looks bad feels good. . . well I'll be damned, perfesser! You're a pussy!" -------------------------------------- Rotunda said to MrsPerfesser, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!" MrsPerfesser replied with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!" -------------------------------------- The old perfesser had to go see an Internist recently, and naturally the first thing the receptionist did was take a medical history. Her first question...? "Do you pay your bills on time?" **************************** My doctor finally found out what I had... and took every penny of it. -- The Old Perfesser ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 10:14:30 -0500 From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Do you also have it? A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?" The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 11:42:09 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #23 (1st of3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ February has an extra day this year. Just an additional day for businesses to commit various acts of madness in their quest for a buck. Yep, you guessed it. It's time for another round of Weird Business News. Our Best Indoor Fishing Tournament Award this time goes to Fantasy Bass Challenge of Sherman. The company announced the online fishing season officially has opened. Love to wet a line but hate to get wet? Just go to www.fbc2000.com. No expensive gear or boat. Pay $9.99 for each individual tournament or $39.99 for the complete seven-tournament tour. And you never have to clean the fish. The New Frontiers in Spelling Award to Ford Motor Co. for its new electric vehicle. Its name? Th!nk. Who knows, next year Ford might come out with an amphibian model capable or driving on land or water. It would, of course, have to be named Thw!m. Best T-Shirt slogan. The one spotted on the back of a man's shirt that read, "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 09:26:14 +0530 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Because... A Public Service message for Women, to better understand the Male animal. Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu" or "Cardamom." For all I know these are all the same thing. Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator). Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger I mean, how could he know where we're going? Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your Mother, or have your Mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too! Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 21:41:46 -0800 From: Keith Sullivan Subject: Lending LENDING My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's." Darrell R. Baskett in Reader's Digest ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Feb 2000 to 2 Feb 2000 (#2000-33) *********************************************************