From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Feb 2000 to 3 Feb 2000 (#2000-34) Date: Thursday, February 03, 2000 2:00 AM There are 6 messages totalling 272 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. A Porcine Story (Pun) 2. Catholic Dictionary 3. Q & A 4. Humor - Weird Business News #23 (2nd of3) 5. Between Friends 6. The results are in ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 00:10:21 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: A Porcine Story (Pun) Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries, Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged. Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as ... Ground Hog Day. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 07:10:16 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Catholic Dictionary AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original "Jaws" story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough. PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 08:41:51 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Q & A Q: Did you hear about the horny seminary school dropout? A: He was looking for more than a missionary position. ------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant? A: One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo. ------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the man whose wife ran off with a tractor salesman? A: She wrote him a john deere letter. ------------------------------- Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair? A: "Pi'tew... Spit... Pi'tew... Spit..." ------------------------------- Q: Fat girls don't skinny dip... what do they do? A: Chunky dunk. ------------------------------- Q: "Are you good in bed?" A: "Of course I am." Q: "How do you know?" A: "Because I'm always satisfied." ------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? A: After a month they were fighting tooth and nail. ------------------------------- Q: How do you know if a blonde's been in your freezer? A: There's lipstick on the sasuages. ------------------------------- Q: What is your most vibrant golfing memory? A: The day I stepped on a rake and hit two good balls... ------------------------------- Q: What's blue and fucks the homeless? A: Hypothermia. ------------------------------- Q: What do you say to a man who you've just had sex with? A: Say whatever you want... he's asleep. ------------------------------- Q: What is a man's worst nightmare ? A: a) the SuperBowl is pre-empted by a soap opera, b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so *he* has to do it, c) a female boss, d) he has to ask his wife for money. ------------------------------- Q: What's the definition of oral sex? A: The taste of things to come. ***************************** The truth is out there... Does anyone know the URL? ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 11:55:29 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #23 (2nd of3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You're killing us, Gus Our Tell It Like It Is Award to Gus Hillenbrand, chief executive officer of Hillenbrand Industries. At an industry conference, Hillenbrand told the attendees, "An aging population, especially the baby boomer generation, will continue to drive the growth of both our funeral services and health care businesses. People age 65 and older are the fastest-growing segment of our population. Our four growth strategies will enable us to leverage both our current market leadership position and favorable demographic trends to expand into new niche markets related to our core businesses." The Product of the Month Award to Dean Foods Co. for its Pickleavator. It's a plastic serving basket inside a jar of pickles that enables the consumer to lift and remove pickles easily, instead of trying to spear them with a fork. Second place to the Boca Raton Resort & Club in Florida, which now serves an upscale menu of baby foods for its well-heeled guests, including a baby daiquiri. Ingredients: Cottage cheese, vanilla yogurt, crushed pineapple, apple juice, coconut syrup and crushed ice. Travel Weekly, a trade magazine aimed at travel agents, collected a list of things stolen from hotels and other travel sites by guests. The top items taken are towels, soap, shampoo, bathrobes, hangers and ashtrays. However, there have been some unusual ones: · A porter at the Hotel Intercontinental in Paris helped a guest carry out a heavy duffel bag that turned out to contain a hotel TV set. · Someone stole a reclining chair from the Drury Inn Westport in St. Louis. · A guest at New York's Crowne Plaza made off with a sink. · At the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas, a guest marched unchallenged through the lobby with a 6-foot-tall ficus tree. · At an amusement park in Scotland, a group of men loaded an 8,000-pound locomotive -- a replica of the children's storybook character Thomas the Tank Engine -- on a truck and drove it away. The park employees thought they were hired by the park to do some maintenance and waved bye as the thieves departed. · And at the Wyndham El San Juan in Puerto Rico, a disgruntled guest left a note complaining that the hotel's towels were too thick. "I couldn't close my suitcase," he wrote. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 18:00:15 -0800 From: Keith Sullivan Subject: Between Friends BETWEEN FRIENDS Hi Marve, Thought I'd send a short e-mail to apologize about our lunch date yesterday... I don't know what made me think we could chat and catch up with the baby there... guess I've learned my lesson -- you just can't have any kind of sensible conversatii) ###yyt JJ9swwb3@@kkjnn xbbp $mmk??? zzllwwpzt#BBBp223# #jjjj(((dfsssw4 ---// ... -- with kids around. Sandra Bell-Lundy in Reader's Digest ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 22:16:45 -0500 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: The results are in FREE FORM THEORIZATION CONTEST RESULTS IN ...WOW! HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics) The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells. 4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory) If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. 3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics) Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out. 2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic) Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate. 1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics) The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. (original source unknown) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Feb 2000 to 3 Feb 2000 (#2000-34) *********************************************************