From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Feb 2000 to 5 Feb 2000 (#2000-36) Date: Saturday, February 05, 2000 2:00 AM There are 7 messages totalling 351 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. FLY balls 2. Top5 - 2/4/00 - Signs It's Too Cold Outside 3. Limericks 4. Working Naked (Possibly offensive) 5. New U.S. television commercial 6. Deep Thoughts 7. Feghoots ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 01:04:27 -0600 From: RANEBOUXshesaid Subject: FLY balls St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. unperturbed, "We've got all the umpires." "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." RANEBOUX accept no other *^* http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ *^*^ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 05:53:22 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 2/4/00 - Signs It's Too Cold Outside ================================================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Defrost before opening ================================================================== February 4, 2000 The Top 15 Signs It's Way Too Cold Outside [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> You leave the store with a steaming cup of cappuccino and arrive at your car with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Mocha Madness. 14> Richard Simmons forced to layer two tank tops. 13> Last week, you used your Super Bowl tickets as fireplace kindling. 11> You walk into Starbucks, and a seal with his flippers wrapped around a latte yells at you to "Shut the f-f-friggin' door!!" 10> Your hands are too frozen to type -- but fortunately, the chattering of your teeth deceives your boss. 9> Sperm banks no longer found the only place to find frozen sperm. 8> "Christ, Ms. Zeta-Jones, be careful! You could put an eye out with those things!" 7> Your nuts are freezing -- and you're a woman! 6> Jehovah's Witness at the front door offers to keep his opinions to himself in exchange for 5 minutes in front of your fireplace. 5> John Rocker mumbles something about "those Eskimo bastards." 4> Alan Keyes condones same-sex cuddling. 3> Linda Tripp's new parts crumble and fall off. 2> The Washington Monument is only 5 feet tall. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign It's Way Too Cold Outside... 1> Cher finally puts on panties. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 08:02:34 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Limericks "Far dearer to me than my treasure," The heiress declared, "is my leisure. For then I can screw, The whole Harvard crew-- They're slow, but that lengthens the pleasure." --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- A DNA mix-up named Doris, Had a strangely located clitoris, It was attached to her gums, So whenever she hums, She comes when she reaches the chorus! --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, "My favorite sport is coitus." But a fullback from State, Made her period late, And now she has athlete's fetus. --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- There was a young harlot named Schwartz, Whose pussy was studded with warts, And they tickled so nice, She drew a high price, From the studs at the summer resorts. --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- There once was a young man from Norway, Who hung from his heels in the doorway. He said with a grin, as his sweetie came in, "I think I have found one more way!" --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- That wily old pervert St. Nick, Made good use of the curve to his dick, He glazed the whole shaft, Painted stripes, then he laughed, As he offered young ladies a lick. --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- Attempting to stop his wet dreams, Brother Maury has tried many schemes, Using bells and a whistle, Attached to his gristle, But still finds he frequently creams. So grimly the Abbot said, "Look... Orgasm's a sin in my book, Inadvertent or not, Tie your dick in a knot, Or start sleeping with Annie the cook." --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- "Fallopian tube dead ahead!" Cried the sperm as he upwardly sped. Then the splosh and the sploosh, And the whoosh of a douche, Flushed him downwards and outwards instead. --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- When accusing the Lord, I have fears, 'Twill be met by people, with jeers, However, THIS is a time, And the most blatant of crime, He's put nothing at all 'tween your ears. (via Original Sins & MsKitty) ********************************* I *am* the Man From Nantucket!!! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 12:40:12 -0500 From: Grady Lacy Subject: Working Naked (Possibly offensive) Sent to me by a friend. His source: I don't know. > Top 9 reasons to go to Work Naked > > 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by > 8:00!" > 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your > tan. > 3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources. > 4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." > 5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your > blouse. > 6. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep > them. > 7. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work > stoned. > 8. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. > 9. No one steals your chair. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 18:45:50 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: New U.S. television commercial Have you seen the new auto commercial? A guy is out driving. As he comes home, he musses his shirt and smears lipstick on his face. He walks in; his wife is sitting there reading the paper and looks up calmly and says, "Nice try, but you've been out driving the new (whatever) again." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 17:21:29 -0800 From: Sue Birkenseer Subject: Deep Thoughts Some oldies but goodies. Compiled by ?, forwarded by my spouse. Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself, MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo! I'd have all my money back. -- Susan Birkenseer Sue@CircusPrepress.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 19:23:15 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Feghoots As a Jurist, Ferdinand Feghoot made his great reputation largely on Pigafetta's Planet, adjudicating the complex insurance cases which arose from the nature and habits of its inhabitants, who were merfolk. Especially celebrated was his decision when the most beautiful mermaid of all, the actress Dolphina, tried to collect several million for a pregnancy which she said was an accident. Arranging herself on the stand so that photographers would have a chance to get plenty of what, on her world, was called "fishcake," she smiled winningly up at Feghoot. "Dolphinia, my dear," her lawyer began, "did you have any hm-mm-relations with mermen during the period involved?" Blushing prettily, she replied that she hadn't. "How about Earthmen?" he asked. "Certainly not." Innumerable witnesses supported this statement, adding that she hadn't so much as been seen with a man, and her attorney dramatically rested his case, stating that the lack of opportunity proved her case absolutely. "Not at all," ruled Ferdinand Feghoot. "You have shown conclusively that the plaintiff consorted with neither mermen nor men. But this does not prove that her pregnancy was an accident. On the contrary, I am forced to attribute it to . . . an active cod." (By Regenald Bratner) Ferdinand Feghoot sadly reported the fate of the Reverend Elmo Milldrip to the Peoria Society for the Conversion of Cannibals. "I told him the Ngusa were utterly unredeemable, but he just wouldn't listen. God had sent him an infallible ally, John, Lord Greystoke, better known as Tarzan of the Apes, who of course was a real person, very impressive in his lion-skin loincloth. 'Mr. Feghoot,' he told me indignantly, when I tried to dissuade them, 'I am still Lord of the Jungle!' "Swinging from tree to tree, the three of us reached the Ngusi capital where, behind its thorn boma, the natives were preparing a feast, and Greystoke, seizing a vine, uttered the bloodcurdling battle-cry of the Great Apes and launched himself over their heads. Unhappily, he had put on weight in retirement and the vine broke in mid-air. Before our horrified eyes, the cannibals slew him, converted most of him into stew, and dried his intestines, with which they restrung a primitive musical instrument. After the ghastly banquet, their Chief started playing it. He played on and on, and poor Brother Milldrip seemed to be hypnotized. He refused to make his escape, and finally I was forced to abandon him there. " "But why wouldn't he leave?" asked the Chairman. "He was not only pious," replied Ferdinand Feghoot. "He was also a patriot. He must have believed that the Chief meant to play . . . the Tarzan's tripes forever." (By F. M. Busby) In 3227, the Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History presented its coveted Tempus Award to Ferdinand Feghoot. "Mr. Feghoot," said Dr. Corydon Bramahpootra, its President, "by going back to 1819 and saving Reverend Sylvester Gerbil of the London Missionary Society from the enraged natives of Navinavi, you prevented the South Seas disaster that followed his death in all other continua. Besides, armed only with a fowling piece and a boar spear, you held the primitives off until the return of your time-shuttle. You are truly a hero!" Feghoot accepted the award, an antique alarm clock in amber, to tumultuous applause. "I wasn't really heroic," he said modestly. “I just didn't like the alternative." 'Dear Mr. Feghoot" shrilled a small, twittering newsperson. "Those dreadful savages were supposed to be cannibals. Would they really have eaten you?" "Well," he replied, "their cannibalism wasn't only for protein. It was ritualistic. If they admired you as an adversary, they would gobble up just certain parts, to acquire your strength, wisdom, and courage." "The beasts! Didn't you just simply loatbe them?" "Why should I?" said Ferdinand Feghoot. … "They were men after my own heart." (By Reginald Bretner) In the 28th Century, Ferdinand Feghoot always took passage on spaceships from Argol. Their discipline was rigidly based on Terran naval tradition. Indeed, Argolian law compelled every captain, on assuming command, to identify himself absolutely with some sea-going hero of Earth, actual or legendary. One wore an eye-patch, another a false wooden leg; some carried harpoons, spyglasses, or belaying pins; they wore pea-jackets or goldbraided coats, and uttered such phrases as "Yo-ho-ho!" and "Damn the torpedoes!" On a trip to Argol itself, Feghoot met a young captain whose only peculiarity was his habit of sounding the ship's klaxon several times whenever they made planetfall. He explained that he was warning his crew of temptations aground, as many blasts of the klaxon as there were loose women per thousand of population. Feghoot approved, and was shocked when the captain, on arrival at Argol, was placed in arrest for having no Terran prototype. Gladly undertaking his defense, he explained to the Court about the temptation index and warning. "And what," sneered the Prosecuting Officer, "has all this to do with the great heroes of Terran seas? Nothing whatever!" "You are wrong," replied Ferdinand Feghoot. "Throughout your whole fleet this splendid young man is known as . . . Captain Horatio Hornblower!" (By John F. Moore based on a character by Reginald Bretner) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Feb 2000 to 5 Feb 2000 (#2000-36) *********************************************************