From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Mar 2000 to 2 Mar 2000 (#2000-62) Date: Thursday, March 02, 2000 1:59 AM There are 7 messages totalling 399 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Man Convicted For Giving Wife The Bird 2. ADULT SMILES 3. NEW HOSPITAL POLICY... 4. It's A Wacky World #82 5. Top5 - 3/1/00 - Not Married to a Millionaire (Part II) 6. Kids point of view 7. Cat Miracle Diet - Part 2/2 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 06:50:08 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Man Convicted For Giving Wife The Bird Sometimes real life is Punny too! MADRID, Spain - A most unusual court case of attempted murder has captivated this historic city. A man, Jorge Fuentes has been charged AND CONVICTED of attempted murder of his wife. It seems he trained their talking bird to drive his wife to suicide. The bird would constantly repeat, "End it all" and "Life is not worth living". The bird was brought in to court and "performed" for the judge. After hearing the bird, the judge and jury convicted Jorge. (Thanks to Lewis) [Editor's note: The bird was not convicted because it was a Minah.] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 07:04:56 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: ADULT SMILES Thought For The Day: I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. ....Stephen Wright ============================================================================== A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?" ============================================================================== WOMEN Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. Women have special qualities about them. They volunteer for good causes. They are pink ladies in hospitals, they bring food to shut ins. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They are in the front row at PTA meetings. They vote for the person that will do the best job for family issues. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right school and for getting their family the right health care. They write to the editor, their congressmen and to the "powers that be" for things that make for a better life. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They do without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman's touch can cure any ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. She can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ MEN Men are good at lifting heavy stuff. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 09:37:01 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: NEW HOSPITAL POLICY... CONCERNING A NEW HOSPITAL POLICY... The allergists voted to scratch it. The dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein. The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. The orthopedists issued a joint resolution. The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst." The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!" The pediatricians said, "grow up." The proctologists said, "we are in arrears." The psychiatrists thought it was madness. The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The radiologists could see right through it. The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow. The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter." The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward. The D.O.s thought they were being manipulated. The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas. The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. And the otologists were deaf to the idea. The new wing didn't fly! (via Swiggy) ************************ Chicken Little only has to be right once. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 10:56:11 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: It's A Wacky World #82 Cola identity crisis CORPUS CHRISTI,TX. -- In a crime straight out of a Super Bowl ad, someone stole a Coca-Cola delivery truck and filled it with stolen Pepsi. Late Sunday or early Monday, someone broke into a Corpus Christi Coca-Cola warehouse and stole a Coca-Cola van. According to police, the thief drove next door to the Pepsi plant and stole 47 cases -- $700 worth -- from a locked Pepsi delivery truck. Police said they don't know why someone would steal the Pepsi afte successfully breaking into the Coke plant. "We thought it was hysterical," said Pepsi spokeswoman Julia Koch. "Our guess is that he just liked Pepsi and figured he could sell it easier than Coke." A 20-year-old Alice man was arrested in the case. - - -Source: Houston Chronicle ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 13:23:07 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 3/1/00 - Not Married to a Millionaire (Part II) March 1, 2000 The Top 15 Signs You *Haven't* Married a Millionaire (Part II) [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> The pre-nuptial agreement is one sentence long: "She can't have the tractor." 14> The lineup of your bridesmaids dazzled him because he'd never seen so many women with all their teeth before. 13> Every other weekend, six oafs in suits stop by to re-break his thumbs. 12> He's never adequately explained why he can't get The Club off the steering wheel of his Mercedes. 11> His reading library consists of nothing but Tony Robbins and Don Lapree books. 10> When you ask, "Penny for your thoughts?", he insists on seeing the money up front. 9> The reception meal? "Le Elbow Pasta a Fromage Orange", "Chop Beof Helpier", and "Ice d'Italien" for dessert. 8> His collection of antique cars seems to be rusting to death in the front yard. 7> When you say "I do," Regis replies, "Is that your final answer?" 5> The limo makes a stop between the church and the reception to drop a coffin off at the cemetery. 4> The only time he dabbles in "mutual funds" is when he fishes in your purse. 3> The reason that wallet's so fat? Hundreds of coupons for 15 cents off Dinty Moore Stew. 2> List of assets: a home in Tijuana, 48605 free AOL minutes, original Pokemon Jigglypuff card. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You *Haven't* Married a Millionaire... 1> He may look like Bill Gates and sound like Bill Gates, but he just bought a new iMac for his dorm room. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ================================================================== Rumination of the Day The reason "Dieting Makes You Fat!" is because it takes a whole pound of Godivas and a quart of milk to wash the taste of a single Slim-Fast drink out of your mouth. (Michelle Argabrite) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 16:34:04 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Kids point of view From: Diane Groves [mailto:dianeg@romacorp.com] HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- I was engaged once. Marriage cured me of that. Get paid to surf the net. Join All Advantage. Sign up today. http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=IFI-810 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 09:39:31 +0530 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Cat Miracle Diet - Part 2/2 (via Karen S. ) Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The CAT MIRACLE DIET will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only Look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. (concluding part) DAY THREE BREAKFAST: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. LUNCH: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. DINNER: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY BREAKFAST: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. LUNCH: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. DINNER: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Mar 2000 to 2 Mar 2000 (#2000-62) *********************************************************