From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Mar 2000 to 3 Mar 2000 (#2000-63) Date: Friday, March 03, 2000 2:00 AM There are 8 messages totalling 412 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Fit Wit 2. Explosive Cranial Dispersal 20% 3. Assorted Smiles 4. Prayers of Children 5. GROSS!!! 6. TENDJEWBERRYMUD 7. Pesticide 8. Mixed Cricket ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 21:08:51 -0800 From: Keith Sullivan Subject: Fit Wit FIT WIT Hoping to lose some weight, a friend was counting calories, reducing fat intake and walking her dog twice a day, steadily increasing the distance. But after a month she had only lost one pound. A short time later she brought the dog to the vet for a checkup. "Is your dog eating well?" the puzzled vet asked. "He's lost ten pounds." Grace Wetzel in Reader's Digest --------------- http://www.onelist.com/community/McHawList ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 06:49:20 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Explosive Cranial Dispersal 20% There's a stupid ad for some medical product, which says "In clinical trials, the most common side effect was headache." A curiously evasive and meaningless statement. The moment I heard it, I immediately realized that the lab results must have looked something like this: Side effect Incidence ----------- --------- Headache 99% Massive brain hemorrhage 98% Malignant cancer of the genitals 92% Tertiary syphilis 85% Windows NT 76% Smallpox 40% Death of one kidney 33% Explosive cranial dispersal 20% Total body ionization 11% So beware. [Thanks JB] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 07:27:23 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Assorted Smiles There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!" ============================================================================ Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......let's say about fifty times." ============================================================================ Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean dish'". ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 11:06:48 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Prayers of Children A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes..." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 12:25:44 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: GROSS!!! At the movie theater, a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was frigging herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. "Didn't I do it good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "No, that was great..." she said. "But these crabs are still itching like mad!!!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? A: Decalfinated. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I heard Janet Reno really doesn't have Parkinson's. She just can't retrieve her vibrator. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ In the kindergarten classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Susie's chair. "Oh Susie!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up." "I did," Susie replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: What happens when you eat beans and peanut butter...? A:You get a fart that sticks to the roof of your ass. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ We all know that tampons are spongey, And oftentimes get rather grungy, But why they have strings, Among other things, Is so that the crabs can all bungee. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Did you know that........ Scatologists are experts who study dookie? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only real men drive taxis in Rome. "We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women," he proclaimed. The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?" "I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only *real* men drive taxis in Rome." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a jockey? A: A jockey has a license to ride two year olds. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A couple gets married. Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs... Her husband looks at her and he begins to weep uncontrollably. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now, NOW... Now, it looks like it can't wait to eat ME!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Linda Tripp has volunteered to wear her wire and befriend the Ramseys. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: What's the difference between a nun and a whore? A: The whore doesn't beg you to give it to her in the ass. ******************** I can't wait to get really old... Then I can actually pick my nose in public. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 10:05:29 -0800 From: Sue Birkenseer Subject: TENDJEWBERRYMUD This may be a repeat--and please excuse if it is. Worth repeating, anyway! Its amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation...... Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud" Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This has been nominated for best email of 1999. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.... Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS:"San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so." RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud." G : "You're welcome." -- Susan Birkenseer Sue@CircusPrepress.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 16:02:34 -0500 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: Pesticide FARMER BUYS A CONDOM A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?" The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4." "No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer. "Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean SPERMICIDE instead of pesticide." "Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 10:07:25 +0530 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Mixed Cricket With many games like tennis being played by both men and women (mixed doubles) -the day is not far off when cricket is played by both men and women together.....a brief look on this sport now.. She walks in and takes her position. She makes sure that she is mentally prepared for the long session that she is to endure without wearing out. His objective was to wear her out. He could go on for hours without getting tired. He has this practice of rubbing the ball against his pants before he started. It was his way of making sure that the ball is sufficiently lubricated so that they slide gently over the field. Now he looks like he is sufficiently charged..... He comes in and without much ado, she wields the bat. She looks like she is ready to take him. She tightens her grip of the bat, squeezing it and moving it up and down. He tries to take charge by coming into her with full force..... But then, she takes full control of the proceedings, effortlessly stroking him over point and deep fine leg. As time elapses and she keeps making strokes, she realizes that he is getting harder and harder and more difficult to stop. It gets really hot and both of them are really sweating it out. She has a weird position and faces him with her legs spread apart. He consistently finds the gap between her legs. Every now and then he taunts her by asking "Howzzat?". Her control over the whole situation isn't as good as she would like it to be. She is losing her strength. She wants to adjust her position before he comes over. She knows that he can come anytime then.....there was nothing she could do about it ..... Finally, the inevitable had to happen. It was more of an accident than an accident. She was bed-ridden for the next 10 months and all she could think of was the day of the delivery! Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Mar 2000 to 3 Mar 2000 (#2000-63) *********************************************************