From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Mar 2000 to 6 Mar 2000 (#2000-66) Date: Monday, March 06, 2000 2:00 AM There are 5 messages totalling 283 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus (Part 2 of 2) 2. Women's Guide to Men's English (adult) 3. Humor - Weird Business News #24 (1st of 3) 4. Signs from God 5. The Warsaw Affair ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 07:55:36 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus (Part 2 of 2) NICKNAMES : If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But, if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT : ..... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit to wanting change back. When the girls get their check.. out come the pocket calculators. MIRRORS : Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface; mirrors, spoons,store windows, bald men's heads.... THE TELEPHONE : Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can go visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. DIRECTIONS : If a woman is out driving. and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store." ADMITTING MISTAKES : Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man to admit a mistake was General George Custer. TOYS : Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys; little miniature TV's . Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers, Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" cell batteries to operate. PLANTS : A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. CAMERAS : Men take photography seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course. women always end up taking better pictures. GARAGES : Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawn mowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. SPORTS ARENAS : Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men. TIME : When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. CONVERSATION : Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For example: "Wow ! What a great movie!" "What are you, nuts??!! No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys..." etc. Women , not having this problem attempt to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable ; "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm-hmm." [Pause.] "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." [Pause.] And so on. FRIENDS : Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?" RESTROOMS : Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. [Thanks to Stefanie Sampson] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 08:32:34 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Women's Guide to Men's English (adult) "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy "I'm tired" = I'm tired "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question "I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex? "I love you" = Let's have sex now "I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different! "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!! ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 13:12:06 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #24 (1st of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Enough OF this serious stuff. Time for another look at the lengths business goes to in search of a buck. Yes, it's time for the monthly issue of Weird Business News. The You Can Get Blood Out of a Turnip -- or at Least a Kidney -- Award to Japanese moneylender Nichiei Co. after it was discovered that its employees were urging debtors to sell their organs to repay loans. The explosion of dot-coms -- those Internet-based sales companies -- has made awarding our prestigious Best Business Name more difficult. Here are some nominations. You choose. · Eroticpillows.com sells pillows adorned with "tasteful erotic images from classical paintings, prints and photographs." · Bigwords.com sells college textbooks. · Cargill, DuPont and Cenex Harvest States Cooperatives have a Web-based market for farmers and other agricultural customers. Its name? Rooster.com. The Inflation Hurts Everyone Award to the store Forever 99 Cents on Interstate 45 North in Houston. The sign outside now reads, "Forever 99 Cents and Up." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 21:15:06 EST From: SteveYoth@AOL.COM Subject: Signs from God I moved back to my hometown of Griffin, GA, after an absence of several years and what do I find? God has suddenly developed a yen for billboard advertising. There are "signs from God" all over this town --- and we thought the age of miracles was long since over! One of them reads: "Will the road you're on get you to my place? ---God" I read this and thought, "Man, I hope not. My wife's expecting bread and milk!" But my "favorite" has to be: "Invite me back into the schools. ---God" With my apologies to David Letterman, here are my top ten responses to God's request that he be allowed to come back to school: 10. Not until you write "I am very sorry for flooding the world" 100,000 times. 9. Okay, but from now on you'll have to do your own work --- no more letting other people write your assignments for you. 8. Will you be trying out for the football team? 7. I'm sorry, but after an absence of this length, we'll need a note from your parents. 6. Sure, why not? I suppose the cafeteria can handle a few more burnt offerings. 5. All right, but this school's got a zero tolerance policy. If we so much as smell a lightning bolt, you're out of here! 4. Do you really think you can handle letting your teacher decide whether your work is "good"? 3. On one condition: Mr. Omnipresent has to promise to stay out of the girl's locker room. 2. Wouldn't it be simpler for a guy your age just to get his GED? And the number one response to God's request to come back to school: 1. Oh, sure: first God, then Buddha, then Allah --- then there goes the whole student/teacher ratio! ______________________________ (From Matt Jordan, EvolBeagle@aol.com, via afs-forum@egroups.com.) Used by permission. - Steve Yothment, Lawrenceville, GA. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2000 09:45:05 +0530 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: The Warsaw Affair (This joke, making the rounds in Warsaw, was related in an editorial in the Boston Globe, 16/03/1989.) A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife. "Two," he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. "What was that for?" "You have a mistress, now do you!!?" Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Mar 2000 to 6 Mar 2000 (#2000-66) *********************************************************