From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Apr 2000 to 3 Apr 2000 (#2000-94) Date: Monday, April 03, 2000 2:00 AM There are 9 messages totalling 447 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Old Preacher 2. Be Polite 3. PASS-ASS-WORD (aDULLt) 4. Weird Business News #25 (1st of 3) 5. Celebrity License Plates 6. Puns of the Weak: 3-31-00 7. Profound Questions 8. The Perfect Sex Manual 9. Scavenger hunt ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 2 Apr 2000 01:03:53 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: The Old Preacher An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come? The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves.. and that's how I want to go." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Apr 2000 10:30:13 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Be Polite There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited. "Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George. "George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam. "Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions. "Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam. "OK, OK, let's go!" said George. "Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam. "Sure" says George. Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Apr 2000 10:09:33 -0500 From: RANEBOUXshesaid Subject: PASS-ASS-WORD (aDULLt) This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF9C8B.8AD70DC0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="Windows-1252" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit I am reminded of a real life incident of about 10 years ago. I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system. My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password "Penis". We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied: *** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT ***** =============== If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx RANEBOUX accept no other xxxxxxxxxxx http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ^*^ http://www.geocities.com/raneboux_voodew/ ^*^ ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF9C8B.8AD70DC0 Content-Type: image/jpeg; name="Notebook.jpg" Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 Content-ID: <002a01bf9cb5$73a574a0$31d74fd8@raneboux> /9j/4AAQSkZJRgABAgEASABIAAD/7QSyUGhvdG9zaG9wIDMuMAA4QklNA+kAAAAAAHgAAwAAAEgA SAAAAAADBgJS//f/9wMPAlsDRwUoA/wAAgAAAEgASAAAAAAC2AIoAAEAAABkAAAAAQADAwMAAAAB Jw8AAQABAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYAgAGQGQAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA4 QklNA+0AAAAAABAASAAAAAEAAQBIAAAAAQABOEJJTQPzAAAAAAAIAAAAAAAAAAA4QklNBAoAAAAA AAEAADhCSU0nEAAAAAAACgABAAAAAAAAAAI4QklNA/UAAAAAAEgAL2ZmAAEAbGZmAAYAAAAAAAEA L2ZmAAEAoZmaAAYAAAAAAAEAMgAAAAEAWgAAAAYAAAAAAAEANQAAAAEALQAAAAYAAAAAAAE4QklN A/gAAAAAAHAAAP////////////////////////////8D6AAAAAD///////////////////////// ////A+gAAAAA/////////////////////////////wPoAAAAAP////////////////////////// //8D6AAAOEJJTQQAAAAAAAACAAA4QklNBAIAAAAAAAIAADhCSU0ECAAAAAAAEAAAAAEAAAJAAAAC QAAAAAA4QklNBAkAAAAAAqIAAAABAAAAgAAAAAIAAAGAAAADAAAAAoYAGAAB/9j/4AAQSkZJRgAB AgEASABIAAD//gAnRmlsZSB3cml0dGVuIGJ5IEFkb2JlIFBob3Rvc2hvcKggNC4wAP/uAA5BZG9i ZQBkgAAAAAH/2wCEAAwICAgJCAwJCQwRCwoLERUPDAwPFRgTExUTExgRDAwMDAwMEQwMDAwMDAwM DAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwBDQsLDQ4NEA4OEBQODg4UFA4ODg4UEQwMDAwMEREMDAwMDAwR DAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDP/AABEIAAIAgAMBIgACEQEDEQH/3QAEAAj/xAE/ AAABBQEBAQEBAQAAAAAAAAADAAECBAUGBwgJCgsBAAEFAQEBAQEBAAAAAAAAAAEAAgMEBQYHCAkK CxAAAQQBAwIEAgUHBggFAwwzAQACEQMEIRIxBUFRYRMicYEyBhSRobFCIyQVUsFiMzRygtFDByWS U/Dh8WNzNRaisoMmRJNUZEXCo3Q2F9JV4mXys4TD03Xj80YnlKSFtJXE1OT0pbXF1eX1VmZ2hpam tsbW5vY3R1dnd4eXp7fH1+f3EQACAgECBAQDBAUGBwcGBTUBAAIRAyExEgRBUWFxIhMFMoGRFKGx QiPBUtHwMyRi4XKCkkNTFWNzNPElBhaisoMHJjXC0kSTVKMXZEVVNnRl4vKzhMPTdePzRpSkhbSV xNTk9KW1xdXl9VZmdoaWprbG1ub2JzdHV2d3h5ent8f/2gAMAwEAAhEDEQA/APROif0Kv6X81T9L j+ar/m/5K0F8rJJIfqlJfKySKn6pSXyskkp+qUl8rJJKfqlJfKySSn6pSXyskkp+qUl8rJJKfqlJ fKySSn//2ThCSU0EBgAAAAAABwABAAAAAQEA//4AJ0ZpbGUgd3JpdHRlbiBieSBBZG9iZSBQaG90 b3Nob3CoIDQuMAD/7gAOQWRvYmUAZIAAAAAB/9sAhAAMCAgNCQ0VDAwVGhQQFBogGxoaGyAiFxcX FxciEQwMDAwMDBEMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMAQ0NDREOERsRERsUDg4OFBQO Dg4OFBEMDAwMDBERDAwMDAwMEQwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAwMDAz/wAARCAAYBaAD ASIAAhEBAxEB/90ABABa/8QBPwAAAQUBAQEBAQEAAAAAAAAAAwABAgQFBgcICQoLAQABBQEBAQEB AQAAAAAAAAABAAIDBAUGBwgJCgsQAAEEAQMCBAIFBwYIBQMMMwEAAhEDBCESMQVBUWETInGBMgYU kaGxQiMkFVLBYjM0coLRQwclklPw4fFjczUWorKDJkSTVGRFwqN0NhfSVeJl8rOEw9N14/NGJ5Sk hbSVxNTk9KW1xdXl9VZmdoaWprbG1ub2N0dXZ3eHl6e3x9fn9xEAAgIBAgQEAwQFBgcHBgU1AQAC EQMhMRIEQVFhcSITBTKBkRShsUIjwVLR8DMkYuFygpJDUxVjczTxJQYWorKDByY1wtJEk1SjF2RF VTZ0ZeLys4TD03Xj80aUpIW0lcTU5PSltcXV5fVWZnaGlqa2xtbm9ic3R1dnd4eXp7fH/9oADAMB AAIRAxEAPwCv0T+n4/8AxrP+qavW15J0U/r+P/xrP+qavWg8eKElsWSHZfXWYe4A+ZUMjIFTJBE/ Fc1kXbg63mJP+amk0uesGqdc19Sup2ZrLmWGQxwLR4B35v8A0V0qKlJJJIqUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJK UkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSS SSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJ KUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpS SSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJ JKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkp SSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJJJKUkkkkpSSSSSlJJ JJKUkkkkpSSSSSn/0J9G6oKn04zKKXOdYA6x7d1kOP8Ag/3Hs/MXY/sOl/0hYfCT/wCQavnZJArQ /S1HTXVN21+weYa7/vqzcroeQ+Q3XcYOn/mbF89pIaJfpboXRK+k1uDQPUsILyONPotZ/JatRfKq SSX6qSXyqkip+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJ KfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp +qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6 qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqp JfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl 8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXy qkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKq SSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJ KfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp +qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6 qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn6qSXyqkkp+qkl8qpJKfqpJfKqSSn/2Q== ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF9C8B.8AD70DC0-- ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Apr 2000 12:24:30 -0500 From: "ken brousseau, sr" Subject: Weird Business News #25 (1st of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist Jim Barlow ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ April fool's day was yesterday. But that's no problem. In the business world, you'll find those kinds of activities year-round. Want proof? Stand by for another edition of Weird Business News. The Say What? Award this month goes to Just Group PLC, a British entertainment company that makes and sells merchandise related to children's television characters. Two of their products are those action figures based on the TV Kid Vids Jellikins and Rugrats. Their next show? Butt-Ugly Martians. The My Parents Didn't Know What I Was Up To Either Award to the parents who answered a National School Boards Foundation survey. Most said they trust their children not to look at inappropriate material on the Internet. The Do It My Way -- Or Else -- Award to the California-based human-rights group Global Exchange. It warned Starbucks, the coffee chain, that it must either start selling coffee bought from small growers in the tropics or face boycotts and demonstrations. The What Do They Know That We Don't Know Award to Otis Elevator, the company that makes the devices that spare us from puffing up the fire stairs in tall buildings. The company's Houston office is in a one-story building. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Apr 2000 16:10:00 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Celebrity License Plates 1HIT1DER -- Ricky Martin NU CLEVGE -- Britney Spears 20K LAID -- Wilt Chamberlain JAILBTCH -- Robert Downey, Jr. HAD MILK -- Pamela Anderson Lee OUTOFST8 -- Hillary Rodham Clinton C MY BRA -- Brandi Chastain IM STR8 -- Tom Cruise K8ODIDIT -- O.J. Simpson PEN IS -- John Bobbitt VOAT4ME -- Dan Quayle ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Apr 2000 18:21:24 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Puns of the Weak: 3-31-00 •When the judge napped in the park, his clerks were reluctant to “approach the bench.” (Jumble) •Did you hear the one about the two mosquitos on Robinson Crusoe's island? One says to the other, "I'm leaving now, but I'll see you on Friday." (Alice Collins) •Work in a warehouse is always shift work." (Pun of the Day) *A man went into a restaurant and told the waitress, "I'd like the turtle soup, and make it snappy!" (Jim Ertner) •A wheat farmer's work was always making his head hurt. He said, "These are my grain headaches." (Cathleen Shoemaker) •Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise. It was the pair on the ground. (J. McGowan) •The local TV weatherman had to change jobs because the weather didn't agree with him. (Andres George) •In Africa, Watusi is watuget. (David Reihmer) •You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy. (Ms Kitty) •What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common? A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride. (Bruce H. G. Calder) •Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money (Fuhrman). •Miniskirt: So little raised so high to reveal so much that needs cover so badly (Richard Lederer) •A boxer who wants to get married has the ring to worry about. (Archives) •What author was a carpenter from Utah? Morman Nailer (S. Kegel) •What do you call a peeping Tom? A window pain. (The Pun Page) •Ever wonder if a guy who speculatively purchases real estate near a proposed lake should be known as "Dam site bettor?" (Gary Hallock) •There's still "incurable romantics." We need better antibiotics. (Aiken Drum) •The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. (GCFL) •Sheer stockings, designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. (Richard Lederer) •People who own large estates spend most of time minding manors. (Dano) •Electrical Repair: Let us remove your shorts. (Gr8 Humor) •"I just returned from Japan," Tom said disorientedly. (Archives) •Herbacide: Where the hillbilly wanted to be buried if his wife died first. (Gary Hallock) •Antagonize: A worried insect. (Dano) •A toilet crane is a John Derik. (Richard Lederer) •Laser surgery on the patella is done with knee-on lights. (Archives) •Uranus is a planet that is the *butt* of a lot of jokes (Cynthia MacGregor) •Now that Russia's Vladimir V. Putin has been elected President, how long will it take for someone to razz Putin? (Dave Coble) •I had an uncle who worked in ladies' lingerie. Unfortunately he sold sporting goods. (Becky Shiles) •Travel broadens one, but so does sitting at home on the sofa. (Cyber 808) •A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. (GCFL) •“I was going to tell you something, Mother, and now I completely forgot what it was.” “It’s a sign of aging, son. You’ve hit mentalpause.” •Pfizer is marketing Viagra in Milk Of Magnesia. That way they have you coming and going at the same time. (Jokes-’n-Stuff) •Pupkus: The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. (Rusty Human) •A good band leader must always be in tune with what's happening in order to be up-beat. (Archives) •I understand the Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? Well, what good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time? (Very Punny) •The old golf course offered the players “links to the past.” (Jumble) •What do you call coins collected from a pay toilet? Johnny Cash (Richard Lederer) •Leading medical authorities have published data that seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver. (Ron Klar) •What do you call a lazy skier? A slope poke! (Norman Gilbert) •Did you hear about the shoemaker who lost his left hand: He was awl right. (Clynch Varnadore) •If a rabbit is raised indoors, it would be an ingrown hare. (Gill Krebs) •My boy has just swallowed a roll of film. Let’s hope nothing develops. (Yasmine) •Castronaut: Member of the Cuban space program (Matthew Goers) •“It isn’t the cough, that carries you off, It’s the coffin that they carry you off in.” (Archives) •What's a mischievous egg called? A practical yolk. (The Daily Dose) •Too many flying rodents living in the rabbit's burrow makes the Warren Batty. (Gary Hallock) •Undertakers usually have a grave attitude even if they are dying to get your business. (Archives) •Some animals are predators, while humans, especially when short in their checking accounts, are postdators. (Cynthia MacGregor) •I get cramps every time I enter the bathroom. I have John Payne. (Stan Kegel) •A fine meal here won't cost you a nominal egg. (Richard Lederer) •The goat family sat down to a fine dinner using their Billy Crystal. (Gary Hamrick) •I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now (Wm. Rayburn) •He likes my company, and I just love his. I think it's called the First Fidelity Trust. (Gag-O-Matic) •Two lovers who had been apart for some time were reunited on a foggy day. One whispered to the other 'I mist you'. (Archives) ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Apr 2000 22:15:50 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Profound Questions Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of? When someone asks you "a penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillips Screwdriver? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 09:49:30 +0530 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: The Perfect Sex Manual Some time ago the British magazine `New Statesman' had a humour competition in which readers were asked to come up with a letter complaining to the publisher of a sex manual, "relating to serious injury sustained, damage inflicted, or frustration experienced, after following the instructions contained therein." Peter Norman won 15 pounds for this: Dear Sir, One knows that publishing standards are declining, but I have never been so shocked and appalled by the number of misprints in a single publication. I refer, of course, to your "100 Easy Steps to Martial (sic) Satisfaction". Some of the advice therein is rendered misleading, dangerous or even illegal by such errors. For instance, on page 212, one is enjoined to `carefully place a condor on your penis...' Later, on the same page, we are told to `stroke the beast, stimulating the erectile tissue at its tip', a course of action that I fancy even trained falconers would eschew. Elsewhere, my partner actually followed to the letter (pardon my little joke) the instructions to `fondle your mans bills' (p39) and `give him a long, slow message' (p128), both of which proved positively anaphrodisiac. And no one, surely, outside ancient Carthage has `punic hair' (p56) or uses a `dido' (p337). In chapter 1, the recommended `fissionary position' (p6) sounds a little explosive for beginners... Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 00:01:52 -0400 From: "Taylor, Chris" Subject: Scavenger hunt A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Apr 2000 to 3 Apr 2000 (#2000-94) *********************************************************