From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Apr 2000 to 4 Apr 2000 (#2000-95) Date: Tuesday, April 04, 2000 2:00 AM There are 11 messages totalling 540 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Two Old Men 2. At the grocer's (F-word) 3. Assorted Smiles 4. BEFORE AOL 5. Weird Business Report (2nd 0f 3) 6. A Gallimaufry of Guffaws (Adult themes) 7. In the Garden of Eden 8. Password rejection 9. Trees and Pigeons 10. Ruminations for April 3, 2000 11. Secret Agent Murphy ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 06:44:25 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Two Old Men Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned...how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast ... she farted and flew out the window!" [Thanks to Scrimshaw6] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 12:48:05 +0200 From: Janos Csongor Subject: At the grocer's (F-word) Conversation at the grocer's - Good morning! - Morning. - What is that, please? - Bananas. - Are they fresh? - Yes, they are fresh. - Give me ten pounds, please. - Okay, here you go. - Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them? - Yes, sure. (couple of minutes) - Here you go. - Thanks. And, what is that, please? - Oranges. - Are they fresh? - Yes, they are fresh. - Give me ten pounds, please. - Okay, here you go. - Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them? - Yes, sure. (couple of minutes) - Here you go. - Thanks. And, what is that, please? - It's poppyseed, motherfucker, but it's not for sale! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 07:10:29 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Assorted Smiles THE DR. SEUSS PURITY TEST Have you done it on a boat? Have you done it with a goat? Have you done it in a bed? Have you done it with the dead? Have you done it in the ass? Have you done it, high on grass? Have you done it in the car? Have you simply gone too far? Have you done it on the beach? Have you done it with the teach? Have you done it on your back? Have you done it strapped to a rack? Have you done it in a box? Have you done it with a fox? Have you done it in a tree? Have you done it with more than three? Have you done it in the rain? Have you done it for the pain? Have you done it 'tween the tits? Have you done it wearing mitts? Have you done it packed in rubber? Have you done it undercover? Have you done it on a perch? Have you done it in a church? Have you done it with a virgin? Have you done it with a sturgeon? Have you done it with ropes and chains? Have you done it while insane? Have you done it on the stage? Have you done it underage? Have you done it with all your friends? Have you done it in both ends? Have you done it with your dog? Have you done it on a log? Have you done it under clamps? Have you done it with the lamps? Have you done it without style? Have you done it in a pile? Have you done it for all to see? Have you ever had VD? Have you done it on Mother's couch? Have you done it in your mouth? Have you done it while on tape? Have you done it out of shape? Have you done it on live TV? Have you done it whilst you pee? Have you done it in the gym? Have you done it on a whim? Have you done it on a dare? Do you really think we care? Answer these, and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows. Fifty questions we asked thee, Score times two is your Purity. ============================================================================= COINCIDENCE? Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd. ============================================================================= THE CATS' BILL OF RIGHTS 1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime he wants. 2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime he wants. 3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime he wants. 4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE he wants. 5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said feline's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as it's cute. 6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes. (And I say feed me ... Again.) 7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my permission. 8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 09:35:28 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: BEFORE AOL * Before AOL group sex meant the risk of STD's. Now you run the risk of getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. * Before AOL family reunions were needed just to touch base, and the main topic was how Cousin Jed was in jail. Now IM's are used to touch base and they start flying as cousin Jed is TOS'd for soliciting passwords. * Before AOL teens would be embarrassed to go to the local news-stand and pick up a copy of playboy. Now you have to hide the credit cards to keep them from buying "Live Nudies" on the Internet. * Before AOL you sat down and explained to your teen about using condoms. Now you find yourself out buying a spill-proof keyboard. * Before AOL your mother ordered pizza from a paper menu. Now she orders from a "virtual" pizza shop, and gets pissed when the delivery never comes. * Before AOL your husband sent flowers for your B-day, Valentines, etc. Now He shows his affection by sending you roses from a virtual florist, and justifies it by stating, "They will never die." * Before AOL you had sex in bed with your spouse. Now you expect your significant other to sign on with Big44D4U or HungLo10 respectively. * Before AOL you dined out. Now you scrape last nights meal from your keyboard. * Before AOL, You would get upset that your wife went shopping. Now she can shop till she drops just so long as you hide the credit card. * Before AOL the ugliest person you had ever met made a pass at you and you shot them down grimacing. Now you have no clue as to who that person really is that you cybered last night. * Before AOL people used terrible pick up lines at the bar. Now they bombard you with IM's asking you to get nekkid. * Before AOL teachers could go to the library, look inside an Encyclopaedia and tell if you had plagiarised the hell out of it. Now they can surf the web for years and still have no clue. * Before AOL people would prejudge you by your physical appearance and /or abilities. Now they listen to what you have to say before they make a decision. (via Swiggy) *********************** REALITY.DAT not found. Attempting to restore backup universe. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 14:17:12 -0500 From: "ken brousseau, sr" Subject: Weird Business Report (2nd 0f 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist Jim Barlow ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The I'm Sorry But Can I Speak to a Machine Award to TNT International Express, which announced that its Houston service center now uses operators instead of voice mail and will answer each call within three ding-a-lings. The They Know Who They Are Award to the group of executives from the world's leading Web and technology companies who meet annually. The name of the group is Barbarians on the Net. Our Good Company Name Award to a Houston-based political consulting company: The Ayes of Texas. The Internet Is Getting Out of Hand Award to Lewis Laska, a Nashville, Tenn., lawyer who announced a Web site for "one-stop shopping for lawyers suing Wal-Mart Stores Inc." Robert Half International, the temporary employee firm, collects blunders from the résumés of job seekers. Some samples: ˇ "Skills: I am a rabid typist." Don't spread it around. ˇ "Skills: Typing speed, 765 wpm." Wears out a computer keyboard every week. ˇ "Qualifications: Excellent eye for derail." Too bad Jesse James is no longer hiring for his train-robbing gang. "Accomplishments: Formed a partnership with three business collies." Probably known as Bow-Wow LP. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 15:37:32 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: A Gallimaufry of Guffaws (Adult themes) By a happy coicidence last Saturday (April 1, 2000) was the date of this year's A Prairie Home Companion joke show. **Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. **one says to the other: "You look like you're **wearing a tuxedo." **The second replies, "How do you know I'm not?" The show was based on hundreds of jokes that Keillor and company had received from listeners. **What do you call a Norwegian under a wheelbarrow? **A mechanic The jokes ranged from silly little-kid quips **What did the zero say to the eight? **Nice belt through the slightly naughty **What do you call a guy who never farts in public? **A private tooter. right on into the margins of bad taste **Tampa Bay is gonna merge with the Green Bay Packers **and they'll be known as Tampacks. Analysts don't **hold out much hope for the combined team because **they're only good for one period **and they have no second string. The APHC's source collection can be viewed at PHC.MPR.ORG (note: that's MPR as in Minnesota Public Radio, not NPR). The audio of the entire show should be up on the website in a few days. In related news: NPR (not MPR) announced that it will be merging with the World Wrestling Conference (WWC) because there is so much audience overlap and because neither entity wants to air "Car Talk" by iteslf. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 17:49:31 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: In the Garden of Eden One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow, "What's the catch, Lord?" "Well... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret - you know, woman to woman." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 22:37:20 -0500 From: Bill Edwards Subject: Password rejection Humor which came to my desk via a web wormhole: I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system. My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password "Penis". We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied: *** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT ***** ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 21:21:41 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Trees and Pigeons The Sick Tree We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!" (By Guy R. Briggs) The Tree Surgeon We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight. We sought professional help and had a tree surgeon come and look at it. In his assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even more concerned with the deep cracks in the bark, "In fact," he said, .... "This tree's bark is worse than its blight." Pigeons I was driving to work this morning when my Ford quit in the damp weather I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car. It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises. A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood. Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood. All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off. No darn way was I going to be pigeon-towed!! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 00:26:00 -0400 From: hawgasm Subject: Ruminations for April 3, 2000 Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum. The fifth one recommends taffy and Karo syrup, because he has some rather large gambling debts. (Bill Muse) -=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=*=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=- I start off each morning with a big bowl of Skittles candies. I know what you're thinking -- that *has* to be unhealthy. Not true! I always add banana slices and milk. (James Key) -=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=*=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=- My short-term memory ain't what it something something. (Mark Niebuhr) -=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=*=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=- The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions. (Flynne Bondolini) -=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=*=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=- Life isn't fair. During her senior year in high school, Britney Spears had a growth spurt in her mammary area. In *my* senior year, I had a growth spurt in my ass area. (Neva R. Huddleston) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 10:11:27 +0530 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Secret Agent Murphy A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. "Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy." "Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy." "Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining...the grass is growing...the cows are ready for milking." "Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the village over the other direction." Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Apr 2000 to 4 Apr 2000 (#2000-95) *********************************************************