From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Apr 2000 to 5 Apr 2000 (#2000-96) Date: Wednesday, April 05, 2000 2:11 AM There are 13 messages totalling 622 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Top5 - 4/4/00 - More Rejected Children's Books 2. Jewish Country Western Songs 3. In Court (off. to lawyers) 4. Writings on Hospital charts 5. The Peanut [Adult] 6. Ills and Ailments of The Old Perfesser 7. Weird Busness News #25 (3rd of 3) 8. I love you! 9. blonde jokes 10. Mathematical Humor 11. Now THAT"S rich 12. Cleo and the asp (pun) 13. Ruminations for April 4, 2000 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 06:00:37 -0400 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 4/4/00 - More Rejected Children's Books ================================================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Just e-mail to you, but a reputation to us. ================================================================== April 4, 2000 The Top 16 *Other* Rejected Children's Books [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 16> Charlotte's Website 15> The Cat That Shat in the Hat: A Kid's Guide to Scatology 14> Chicken Soup for the Kitchen Floor 13> Jacking and Jilling: The Dummy's Guide to Masturbation 12> What The Hell Is Mommy's Problem, Anyway? 11> The Mouse, the Motorcycle, and the Organ Donor Card 10> You're Different -- And All the Other Kids Hate You! 9> The Big Book of Things to Put in Your Ear 8> How to Write With Your Wee-Wee 7> What's That Bag For, Grandpa? 6> Tobacco Man vs. the FDA Gang 5> What Lucy Needs is Some Hot Monkey Love, Charlie Brown 4> Harry Potter and the Allegations of Plagiarism 3> Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Ms. LeTourneau's Class 2> Horton Hires A Ho and Topfive.com's Number 1 Other Rejected Children's Book... 1> Where the Curly Red Fur Grows ================================================================== Rumination of the Day I think the bible would be more popular if only God had kicked Satan's ass at the end. (SkyWalker707) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 06:44:25 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Jewish Country Western Songs 1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)" 2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights" 3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?" 4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight" 5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament" 6. "Stand by Your Mensch" 7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes" 8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart" 9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt" 10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff" 11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'" 12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'" 13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town" 15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 06:57:14 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: In Court (off. to lawyers) A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 13:07:54 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Writings on Hospital charts Actual writings on hospital charts ("Actual"? Mmmm...) She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared The patient is tearful and crying constsntly. She also appears to be depressed The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993 Discharge status: Alive but without my permission Healthy appearing decrepit 68 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful The patient refused autopsy The patient has no previous history of suicides Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the last 3 days Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch She is numb from her toes down While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home The skin was moist and dry Occasional,constant infrequent headaches Patient was alert and unresponsive Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized The lab test indicated abnormal lover function The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. Skin: somewhat pale but present. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 07:19:00 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: The Peanut [Adult] One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,... I think he'll be our son in-law!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 08:50:35 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Ills and Ailments of The Old Perfesser The old perfesser had just undergone prostate surgery, and a co-worker's wife is a sales rep for Pfiser, the makers of Viagra. Always being one to make a fast buck, the co-worker decided to try and sell some Viagra samples he had "borrowed" from his wife. "Hey, Perfesser!" he called. "What's up?" the old perfesser answered as he came over. "I've got some Viagra.... want to buy some for $15 a pill?" "No, not worth it!" said the old perfesser. "OK, how about $10 dollars a pill?" "No, not worth it!" "OK, $5?" "No, not worth it!" "How about $2?" "No, not worth it!" "Listen, these pills cost $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?" "Oh, the pills ARE worth it," said the old perfesser. "It's the Missus I'm not too sure about..." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The old perfesser goes to see a psychiatrist to complain about his oversexed wife. T.O.P confides to the shrink, " MrsPerfesser will stop at nothing to satisfy her lustful, kinky desires and bottomless sexual cravings. What can I do?" The psychiatrist says, "Please tell MrsPerfesser I'd like her to make an appointment with me immediately." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ MrsPerfesser was having a medical problem - the old perfesser's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" MrsPerfesser exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The old perfesser was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal." "Could you give me a pen and paper?" asked the old perfesser. "Do you want to write your will?" "No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite," said T.O.P. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The old perfesser was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Uh oh!" The old perfesser asked the doctor what the problem was. "Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the old perfesser. "Do you drink in excess?" "No," replied the old perfesser again. "Do you have a sex life?" "As a matter of fact, I do!" said the old perfesser. "Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old perfesser asked, "Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING???" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The old perfesser is in the Retard (sheesh.... there I go, using HIS accent) Retired Perfesser's Home, playing checkers, hitchin' up his pants, drooling, and remembering the good ol' days with his buddies. One day, the *boys* started reminiscing about sex... The old perfesser says, "I remember this here whoa-man. She was ahhhh beauty! But, oh, she had a clitoris like a pickle!" And Jud, his elderly sidekick, said, "What about her clitoris - so BIG?" And the old perfesser shook his head back and forth for a few minutes, pursed his lips and sighed... "No.... so SOUR!" ****************************** The Old Perfesser offers this sage advice on growing older: 1. Never trust a fart 2. Never pass a urinal 3. If it's hard, use it ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 12:11:36 -0500 From: "ken brousseau, sr" Subject: Weird Busness News #25 (3rd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist Jim Barlow ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The coveted Plain English Award to this news release headline: "BancTec (R) unveils revolutionary new X-Series (TM) single-step reject repair system building on the legacy of the Lunday Mae. New system improves bank processing by applying a heatstrip, encoding and capturing the image in a single pass." The Wonderful World of Dot-Coms Award to the news that Talk Visual Corp. had acquired Yak Communications. Second place goes to the Web site selling German-handcrafted products in the United States: www.crazycuckoo.com. The Let's Build a Really Big Object and See if Anyone is Dumb Enough to Write About It Award to www.4realmen.com of Austin. The object: the eZlounger -- a 9-foot-high lounge chair with a yellow ottoman, a larger-than-life blue television set, a green side table and two basketball hoops. The Grease is Grease Award to Steve Ferree, who purchased a Mr. Rooter plumbing franchise after a 28-year-career with McDonald's Corp. How will he translate hamburgers to successful drain cleaning? "When it comes to franchising, it's all about maximizing proven systems," Ferree said. The I Told You Anyone Could Write This Stuff Award to TLP, a Dallas advertising agency, which announced that it has bought a computerized software system called 600 Monkeys. The Business Book Award to Swiss business executive Arne Klingenberg, author of Yes, I am Happy Now. His next book? Could be This Job Doesn't Suck at All. The Let the Light Shine In Award to Tiffany stained glass expert Alastair Duncan, who was sentenced to 27 months in prison after hiring a grave robber to steal a Tiffany window from a mausoleum. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 15:18:14 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: I love you! This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info. ------=_NextPart_000_0089_01BF9E47.6FCAEDE0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=iso-8859-1 Content-ID: Pauly was having some marital difficulties and decided to talk about it with his shrink. The shrink advised him to buy flowers and candy, rush home to his wife, take her in his arms, remove her clothes, remove his clothes, and make mad passionate love to her. The next week, Pauly returned to the shrink's office and the shrink asked him how his idea worked. "Well, my wife didn't say anything, but her hand-painted china art group really got a big kick out of it." ------=_NextPart_000_0089_01BF9E47.6FCAEDE0-- ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 14:54:22 -0700 From: Tony Blaha Subject: blonde jokes A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next." --- There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..." until a blonde came up to her and said, "that looks like fun, can I try?" The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.." "Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street" So the blonde said "OK" and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89... --- Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen? A. That's the proper place to wash vegetables. Q. What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you? A. Pull the pin and throw it back. Q. How do you know when a Blond has been using a computer? A. There is White-Out on the screen. --- Tony Blaha http://clipsarchive.cjb.net Hundreds of sound clips! Over 39 megabytes! Updated weekly! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 17:33:59 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: Mathematical Humor With some notable exceptions, our HUMOR gang is a pretty erudite bunch. I was reminded of this again when I referred to 7 as a "perfect number" in a recent post. Quicker than you could say Euler's Law I heard from Pat in Chicago, USA. Pat informed me that 7 cannot be a perfect number because a perfect number is one which is the sum of its own factors. (Eg. 6 = 1+2+3, Proof that 1,2 and 3 are factors of 6 is left as an exercise for the student.) Anyhow, Pat also told me a great math joke: **************************************************** The problem - There's a box with a hole at each end and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end. Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later...etc., etc. How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time? > > > > > > In theory, two minutes. In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares. :-) ************************************************************* Shucks, I humbled by this display. Only math joke I know is: What's purple and commutes? > > An abelian grape. Perhaps we need Pat on the poster's list. jhm ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 18:14:28 -0500 From: RANEBOUXshesaid Subject: Now THAT"S rich Two boys were arguing about whose Dad was richer FIRST BOY: "My Father is so rich he's going to buy the Pacific Ocean." SECOND BOY: "So, if you don't shut up, I'll tell my Father not to sell it." 000000000000000000000000 If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ^ updated ^ *~*!~*~*~* ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 16:56:47 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: Cleo and the asp (pun) [a truly worthy pun, if academic. From: *Classical Outlook* 66 (3), as cited by Ernest Moncada on the CLASSICS list and slightly adapted by JK] Though Tiberius was wont to tease grammarians, this group often represented a very valuable adjunct to court. Witness Cleopatra who, as the Romans were breaking down the doors, grabbed an uncooperative asp and pressed it to her breast. But nothing she did could induce the asp to bite her. In desperation, she cried out to those assembled, "Can no one help me?" Immediately a grammarian stepped forward and blew furiously on the snake, which promptly bit the queen. As she expired, she asked the grammarian how he had managed such a change in the snake's temperament. "Elementary, my dear Queen," he answered. "Everyone knows it takes rough breathing to make an asp irate." Jack Kolb Dept. of English, UCLA kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 01:08:14 -0400 From: hawgasm Subject: Ruminations for April 4, 2000 -=++=- e=mc2? Yeah, right, Einstein! (Mystic Seven) -=++=- Sometimes, when I'm watching my three beautiful children as they sleep, I feel a sense of awe at how many sperm can fit through a pin hole in latex. (Pam Pickard) -=++=- I was getting worried about Grandma. Her letters had grown increasingly bizarre and disjointed over the previous months. The lady at the nursing home eased my mind a great deal, though, when she promised to wrestle the old bag's stamps away. (Don Swain) http://dailysmear.com -=++=- I think the bible would be more popular if only God had kicked Satan's ass at the end. (SkyWalker707) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Apr 2000 to 5 Apr 2000 (#2000-96) *********************************************************