From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Apr 2000 to 6 Apr 2000 (#2000-97) Date: Thursday, April 06, 2000 2:05 AM There are 7 messages totalling 379 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The ranch 2. Communication Problems 3. ETHNIC 4. Fun with Math 5. bathroom joke 6. Cat Bathing...A Martial Art 7. DUH!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 04:34:57 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: The ranch The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming. "So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch." "Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So, where are all your cows?" "None of 'em survived the branding." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 06:45:35 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Communication Problems A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his penis on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet." [Thanks to Daryl Hillen] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 07:44:33 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: ETHNIC Q: Perhaps you've heard about the Irish abortion clinic? A: It has a 12 month waiting list. +-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+ Did you hear about the new Jewish American Princess horror film? It's called Debbie Does Dishes. +-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+ Q: Why do mexicans have noses? A: So they'll have something to pick in the winter. +-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+ Most Australians aren't too good at history. For example, they think Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey. +-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+ An Irishman goes into a pub in London with a little man, 6 inches tall, in his shirt pocket. He says to the barman, "I'd like a pint of Guinness for meself and a thimble of Guinness for me friend." The barman says, "Cor blimey, what've you got there, Paddy? Is it a little Irish leprechaun?" Paddy answers, "No, it's an Englishman with the shit kicked out of him." +-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+ Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? A: "Is ANYTHING all right?" +-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+ A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman," so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Murphy says, "Dat s easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says,"What the hell's that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine". "Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99." Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go, sir" he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n'dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100". Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" he makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred." Murphy leans forward, points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?" +-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+ A Polish surgeon has just been admitted to the 'Guiness Book of Records'. He was the first medical man to separate a Siamese cat. ***************************** A Canadian is somebody who knows how to make love in a canoe. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 13:29:55 -0400 From: Patrick Ash Subject: Fun with Math Following up on Jim Mica's assertion that he had not seen many math related jokes, I submit the following. A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert. 1. Mathematical Methods 1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that we introduce the following logical system: Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty. Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a lion in the cage. Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds: "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem. Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage. 1.2 The geometrical inversion method We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from inside. We then performe an inversion with respect to the cage. Then the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside. 1.3 The projective geometry method Without loss of generality we can view the desert as a plane surface. We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an interiour point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same point. 1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is then either in the eastern or in the western part. Lets assume it is in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part. Lets assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of arbitrarily small diameter. 1.5 The set theoretical method We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with the lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us. 1.6 The Peano method In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the desert. It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear, in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to its own length. 1.7 A topological method We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus. We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then completely helpless. 1.8 The Cauchy method We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider the integral 1 [ f(z) ------- I --------- dz 2 \pi i ] z - \zeta C where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta), i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3]. 1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity), whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere in the desert. L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will converge toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].) 2 Theoretical Physics Methods 2.1 The Dirac method We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader. 2.2 The Schroedinger method At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage. Sit and wait. 2.3 The nuclear physics method Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator [6] on it and a wild lion. As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 20:35:13 -0700 From: Steven & Susan Subject: bathroom joke Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? A: Say, "Nice dick." Steven ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 10:06:22 +0530 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Cat Bathing...A Martial Art Cat Bathing as a Martial Art by Bud Herron Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub: * Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) * Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. * Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. * Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) * Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.) * Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 01:01:23 -0400 From: Jack Shea Subject: Re: DUH!! Orange County Treasurer Robert Citron said that the reason his investment decisions plunged the county into the biggest local- government bankruptcy in history was the bad advice he had received on interest rates from a psychic. Lowell Altaver thought he saw a rat in his barn and fired his shotgun at it. It turned out to be his wife's hat. Which she was wearing at the time. Jeffrey Poch and Heather M. Green thought they had figured out the perfect crime. They wrote checks using disappearing ink. How did police track the pair down? Poch's name was printed on the checks. @@@@@@@ ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Apr 2000 to 6 Apr 2000 (#2000-97) *********************************************************