From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 6 Apr 2000 to 7 Apr 2000 (#2000-98) Date: Friday, April 07, 2000 2:00 AM There are 9 messages totalling 570 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. A Housewife's Diary [Adult] 2. 1999 Darwin Awards - Criminal Category 3. At It Again (Blonde jokes) 4. Your Life Sucks.... 5. The Poachers' Revenge 6. New Medication Does the Trick 7. Texas Quotes 8. Troika 9. Some More Groaners ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 03:50:03 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: A Housewife's Diary [Adult] Day 1 -- Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2 -- Today he told me he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break! He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp! Day 3 -- This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs you know! Sometimes I need something too! Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears! Day 4 -- A miracle has happened!! There's an new drug on the market that will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He asked me if this time I would say HIS name at the "glorious moment". Day 5 -- Oh what a glorious morning!! The sun is shining, the birds are singing. My needs have been fulfilled. Everything is perfect. Day 6 -- Again! Day 7 -- This Viagra thing is going to his head. (No pun intended) Yesterday, at Burger King, the kid behind the counter asked him if he wanted a whopper. He told him, "No thanks. I've already got one." Day 8 -- I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new "friend" as a weed wacker. Day 9 -- Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working anymore. What am I going to do? Day 10 -- I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker. Day 11 -- I wish he was gay. I've bought him 20 Liza Minelli albums and the Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and he keeps coming after me. Day 12 -- Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile! Day 13 -- I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing works. I even started dressing like a nun. He says penguins turn him on. Day 14 -- I can't take it anymore. I think I'm going to have to kill him. I just worry about one thing - how will they ever get the lid to close on his casket? ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 07:00:21 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: 1999 Darwin Awards - Criminal Category The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards - Criminal Category have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon that individual, who through isolation by incarceration, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. RUNNER-UP # 8 Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. RUNNER-UP # 7 A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. RUNNER-UP # 6 San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. RUNNER-UP # 5 From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine. RUNNER-UP # 4 Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself. RUNNER-UP # 3 Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant District Attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence. RUNNER-UP # 2 Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. RUNNER-UP # 1 Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. THE WINNER A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 07:08:31 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: At It Again (Blonde jokes) The blonde was over heard at the little General Store, saying, "Why do you call this a general store if you don't sell generals here?" What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner? You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms. What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? About 2 cans of hair spray. What did the blonde doctor say when her hands got cold after an operation? "Oh my gosh, I've left my gloves inside the patient!" Did you hear about the blonde counterfeiter? Yeah, they caught her erasing zeros from 10 dollar bills. What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air Did you hear about the blonde coyote? Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? When you have a patch kit and tire pump to reinflate it! Why did the blonde keep the freezer full of ice cubes? That's how she kept the refrigerator cold. What is a blonde's favourite part of a gas station? The Air Pump! Why did the blonde baste her Turkey with Coppertone? She didn't want the turkey to burn! Why don't blondes talk when having sex? Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers, and their mothers told them not to talk with their mouths full. Why do so many blondes dye their hair roots a dark colour? That's to confuse blond males. What's the most important thing in a blonde's makeup kit? A paint roller. Why do they refer to blondes as "Amazon Women?" Because they are wide at the mouth. How many blondes does it take to make a complete circuit? Two, one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer! Why was the blonde laughing while the man ripped her clothes off? She knew they'd never fit him. What do you call a blonde at the library? Lost! Why do blondes eat so much salad? They eat like rabbits, too. Why did the blonde laugh when the man reached into her bra? She knew her money was in her sock. How are blondes like sperm? Only one in 10 million actually do anything productive. Note: Apparantly the joke I sent yesterday entitled "Communication Problems" is the work of Buddy Hackett. Credit where credit is due. Thanks Bob http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 08:09:54 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Your Life Sucks.... You know your life sucks when... - A black cat crosses your path and drops dead. - You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. - The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. - Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. - You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment. - Your children's school calls to surrender. - The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice. - Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map. - Your plants do better when you *don't* talk to them. - All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists. - Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic. (via Ben Popken) *************************** Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it *hundreds* of times. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 09:33:02 -0400 From: "Taylor, Chris" Subject: The Poachers' Revenge The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . . After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made. The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 12:08:09 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: New Medication Does the Trick Yesterday I went to see my Endocrinologist. I'd been eagerly awaiting this visit because I was still taking Troglitazone (aka Rezuin) for my diabetes and that drug has been withdrawn from the market by the FDA. The Troglitazone was withdrawn because it had a tendency to, as my Endo put it in technical terms: "blow out yer liver." So, the Endo gave a prescription for a newer diabetic drug called Rosiglitazone. I got it filled and dumped the rest of my Troglitazone supply (street value of something like $5K) down the toilet. I sure hope the microbes in our septic tank don't have any liver problems. Before I took my first new Rosi (pronounced like Rosie) pill, I checked it out on the web. I was delighted to find that the side effects of Rosiglitazone are said to be a combination of the primary effects of Rogaine and Viagra. I eagerly gulped down my first dose of my new medication last night, went to bed and had interesting dreams all night long. When I woke up this morning ---yup, you guessed it!-- my hair was stiff. -- jiM Mica JMICA@ITHACA.EDU The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. -H.L. Mencken _____________________________________________ Note: Mencken assumes no responsibility for the material above the Sig line. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 21:05:57 -0500 From: "ken brousseau, sr" Subject: Texas Quotes Forwared to me by a friend. Author unknown. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Texas Quotes The following are actual quotes from mostly Texas politicians: 1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket." Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury 2. "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic." Texas Rep. Renal Rosson 3. "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower 4. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs 5. "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one." A. C. Greene 6. "No thanks, once was enough." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again 7. "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish 8. "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced. 9. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal. 10. "I am filled with humidity." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 11. "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies 12. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower 13. "I move we recess to go outside and throw up." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing 14. "This is a real competitive business." A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded 15. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote 16. "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton 17. "Let's do this in one foul sweep." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton 18. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 19. "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 12. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 21. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 22. "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you." Anon. 23. "There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information." Don Rottenberg ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 7 Apr 2000 09:27:53 +0530 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Troika * Ed: My uncle and I went on a safari to Africa last year. John: Oh, yeah? How did it go? Ed: We spotted a leopard. John: Don't be silly. They're born that way! * Chuck was driving his car home one day when one of the tires went flat. He stopped at a garage and found an attendant that would pump up the tire. "That will be $50," said the attendant when he was finished. "That's too much for pumping up my tire!" cried Chuck. The attendant replied, "Inflation, my good man, inflation!" Q. What time is it when Dracula goes to the dentist? A. Tooth hurty. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 21:16:21 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Some More Groaners A Math Problem The problem - There's a box with a hole at each end and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end. Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later...etc., etc. How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time? In theory, two minutes. In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares. (By Jim Mica) The Death of Cleopatria Though Tiberius was wont to tease grammarians, this group often represented a very valuable adjunct to court. Witness Cleopatra who, as the Romans were breaking down the doors, grabbed an uncooperative asp and pressed it to her breast. But nothing she did could induce the asp to bite her. In desperation, she cried out to those assembled, "Can no one help me?" Immediately a grammarian stepped forward and blew furiously on the snake, which promptly bit the queen. As she expired, she asked the grammarian how he had managed such a change in the snake's temperament. "Elementary, my dear Queen," he answered. "Everyone knows it takes rough breathing to make an asp irate." (By Jack Kolb) The Sale A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar." Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct. He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar." She said "That can't be right !" The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, ... no strings attached." Balancing the Account In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits. So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account entitled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance. Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice, and declared a new law: that there would, from this point on, be no accounting for Taste. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Apr 2000 to 7 Apr 2000 (#2000-98) *********************************************************