From: Automatic digest processor <LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU>
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests <HUMOR@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU>
Subject:  HUMOR Digest - 1 May 2000 to 2 May 2000 (#2000-123)
Date: Tuesday, May 02, 2000 2:01 AM

There are 8 messages totalling 485 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. George & Harriet
  2. IT'S A MIRACLE!!!! <adult>
  3. Goin' huntin'
  4. A Question of Size [Adultish]
  5. Republic of Texas Constitution <off. to Texans>
  6. That's My Boy..>aDULLt<
  7. Identifying slimy creatures
  8. Testing Methodolgies - Part 1/2 <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 1 May 2000 07:21:51 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: George & Harriet

 George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary
 with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and
 registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very
 friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young
 woman was nice, and you were so rude."
 "Harriet, she's a prostitute."
 "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
 "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called
 down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he
 said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear
 us, OK?"

 Soon, there was a knock on the door.  George opened it and Bambi walked
 in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you
 charge?"
 "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken
 aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed
 derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for
 that price."
 "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

 After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't
 believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then
 eat dinner."

 At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George,
 pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 1 May 2000 08:13:38 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: IT'S A MIRACLE!!!! <adult>

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both
legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into
the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," the boy informed him.


    ++ )( ++    ++ )( ++    ++ )( ++    ++ )( ++    ++ )( ++


Not long after his marriage, Joe Jr and his father Joe Sr,
met for lunch.

"Well, son," asked Joe Sr, "how is married life treating
 you?"

"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior.  "It seems I
married a nun."

"A nun?" his father questioned.

"That's right," moaned Joe Jr.  "None in the morning, none
at night, and none at all unless I beg!"

Joe Sr nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back
a couple of times.

"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have
a nice talk?"

Young Joe smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"

"Fine," replied Joe Sr, "I'll call home and tell the Mother
Superior to set two extra plates."


      (via MsKitty, and Rodney & Cathy's Jokelist)

***************************
"I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me
 to see things her way."       - Jayson Feinburg

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 1 May 2000 09:14:50 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Goin' huntin'

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first
few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops,
etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting
bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs,
and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs
in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 1 May 2000 11:33:16 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Question of Size [Adultish]

 Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got
 older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches.
 When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer,
 he sought medical help.

 After being referred from one specialist to another, he
 finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.  "The good news
 is I can cure your headaches.  The bad news is that it will
 require castration.  You have a very rare condition which causes your
 testicles to press up against the base of your spine.  The
 pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
 relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

 Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live
 for.  He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
 no choice but to go under the knife.

 When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt
 like he was missing an important part of himself.  As he walked
 down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
 person.  He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's
 what I need, a new suit."  He entered the shop and told the
 salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

 The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
 long."

 Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

 "It's my job."

 Joe tried on the suit.  It fit perfectly.  As Joe admired
 himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

 Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

 The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve
 and...16 and a half neck."

 Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

 "It's my job."

 Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.  As Joe
 adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new
 shoes?"

 Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"

 The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a
 half wide."

 Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

 "It's my job."

 Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.  Joe walked
 comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
 about a new hat?"

 Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"

 The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 & 5/8."

 Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

 "It's my job."

 The hat fit perfectly.  Joe was feeling great, when the
 salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

 Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"

 The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
 see...size 36."

 Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
 old."

 The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size
 34.  It would press your testicles up against the base of your
 spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 1 May 2000 13:19:47 -0100
From:    Bruce Chilton <bchilton@SUFFOLK.LIB.NY.US>
Subject: Republic of Texas Constitution <off. to Texans>

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

------=_NextPart_000_001C_01BFB36F.EC769780
Content-Type: text/plain;
        charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

The Top 16 Items in the Republic of Texas Constitution"

16. Tax code allows deduction for one hostage takeover/standoff
per family, per year.

15. Every Thursday: 2-for-1 drinks at Hooters!

14. Nobuddy shuld be descrimnated aginst, less'n he's from New
York (or is other wise Jewish or Muslim or somethin'), or is
just kinda dark or differnt in some way.

13. Barbecued ribs are legal tender for all debts.

12. Congress shall make no law restricting the size of hats or
belt buckles.

11. Citizens to receive one vote per gun owned.

10. Constitutional amendment requires 2/3 majority of both
 houses of legislature.  Either that, or Tom Landry's say-so.

 9. The right to bare breasts, but only on cable, dammit--not in
 real life.

 8. Vegetarians count as 3/5 of a person.

 7. Religious freedom:  You can worship the Cowboys *or* Willie
 Nelson.

 6. Civil disputes that cannot be resolved in court shall be
 settled by a chili cook-off.

 5. Freedom of Delusion.

 4. No citizen will be charged extra for gravy on French fries.

 3. Cold beer cans can be used as testicular temperature
 regulators&quot; when operating a motor vehicle.

 2. State bird: Raised middle finger.

and the Number 1 Item in the Republic of Texas Constitution...

 1. You have the right to be on the cover of Trailer Park Trash
Magazine.

=1A

------=_NextPart_000_001C_01BFB36F.EC769780
Content-Type: text/html;
        charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD W3 HTML//EN">
<HTML>
<HEAD>

<META content=3Dtext/html;charset=3Diso-8859-1 =
http-equiv=3DContent-Type>
<META content=3D'"MSHTML 4.72.3110.7"' name=3DGENERATOR>
</HEAD>
<BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>The Top 16 Items in the Republic of =
Texas=20
Constitution&quot;</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>16. Tax code allows deduction for =
one hostage=20
takeover/standoff<BR>per family, per year.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>15. Every Thursday: 2-for-1 drinks =
at=20
Hooters!</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>14. Nobuddy shuld be descrimnated =
aginst, less'n=20
he's from New<BR>York (or is other wise Jewish or Muslim or somethin'), =
or=20
is<BR>just kinda dark or differnt in some way.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>13. Barbecued ribs are legal tender =
for all=20
debts.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>12. Congress shall make no law =
restricting the=20
size of hats or<BR>belt buckles.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>11. Citizens to receive one vote per =
gun=20
owned.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>10. Constitutional amendment =
requires 2/3=20
majority of both<BR>&nbsp;houses of legislature.&nbsp; Either that, or =
Tom=20
Landry's say-so.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;9. The right to bare breasts, =
but only on=20
cable, dammit--not in<BR>&nbsp;real life.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;8. Vegetarians count as 3/5 of =
a=20
person.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;7. Religious freedom:&nbsp; =
You can=20
worship the Cowboys *or* Willie<BR>&nbsp;Nelson.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;6. Civil disputes that cannot =
be resolved=20
in court shall be<BR>&nbsp;settled by a chili cook-off.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;5. Freedom of =
Delusion.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;4. No citizen will be charged =
extra for=20
gravy on French fries.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;3. Cold beer cans can be used =
as=20
testicular temperature<BR>&nbsp;regulators&amp;quot; when operating a =
motor=20
vehicle.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;2. State bird: Raised middle=20
finger.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>and the Number 1 Item in the =
Republic of Texas=20
Constitution...</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;1. You have the right to be on =
the cover=20
of Trailer Park Trash<BR>Magazine.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>=1A</FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>

------=_NextPart_000_001C_01BFB36F.EC769780--

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 1 May 2000 16:12:20 -0500
From:    RANEBOUXshesaid <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: That's My Boy..>aDULLt<

When she and bridegroom Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing
she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the family
crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they
expected, grunts, straining noises, and an occasional muffled scream.
Eventually, they heard Edward say,
"Goodness, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin!"
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say,
"Right. Now for the other one."
This was followed by more grunting and straining, and, at last, Edward
said,
"My Goodness. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

 Source: Buffulo Chops
  err..chips
$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?
       If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
 http://www.geocities.com/raneboux_voodew/
        $?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?
    i        b       chillin'

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 1 May 2000 14:10:49 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Identifying slimy creatures

Thanks to Bill Morgan in rec.gardens
------

Keys to creatures which leave slime trails:

1)  Less than 1 foot in length or height (go to 2)
1") More than 1 foot in length or height (go to 3)

2)  Has a shell......Snail
2') Has no shell.....Slug

3)  Has at least a small backbone...Lawyer
3') Lacks a backbone entirely.......Politician


Angelfire for your free web-based e-mail. http://www.angelfire.com

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 2 May 2000 09:38:09 +0530
From:    chaps <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Testing Methodolgies - Part 1/2 <clean>

Aggression Testing: If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kill somebody.

Compression Testing: []

Confession Testing: Okay, Okay, I did program that bug.

Congressional Testing: Are you now, or have you ever been a bug?

Depression Testing: If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kill myself.

Egression Testing: Uh-oh, a bug... I'm outta here.

Digression Testing: Well, it works, but can I tell you about my truck...

Expression Testing: #@%^&*, a bug.

Obsession Testing: I'll find this bug if it's the last thing I do.

Oppression Testing: Test this now!

Poison Testing: Alors! Regardez le poison!

Repression Testing: It's not a bug, it's a feature.

Secession Testing: The bug is dead! Long lives the bug!

Suggestion Testing: Well, it works but wouldn't it be better if...

Digestion Testing- This fix is a little hard to swallow.

Transgression Testing- Honest, offishure, I only had a few {burp} beers
before I started Testing the software.

Congressional Testing: Are you now, or have you ever been a bug?

Admission Testing: Roll up, roll up, come on in! $10 for the big grown up
bugs, only $2.50 for the kids!

Interrogational Testing: Tell us what we want to know, bug, or we'll cut
off your subroutines one by one...

Inspirational Testing: How I compare thee to a summers day swarm...

Concession Testing: Ok, we get a bug free List Box and in exchange you
get to play havoc with the Drop Down Menus.

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 1 May 2000 to 2 May 2000 (#2000-123)
**********************************************************