From: Automatic digest processor <LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU>
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests <HUMOR@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU>
Subject:  HUMOR Digest - 3 May 2000 to 4 May 2000 (#2000-125)
Date: Thursday, May 04, 2000 2:00 AM

There are 10 messages totalling 476 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Find The Lord
  2. Misleading Riddles
  3. Black Eye
  4. an even better "best bar joke ever"
  5. Why Dogs are Better than Men
  6. It's A Wacky World! #85
  7. The American President <political>
  8. Two Prayers
  9. Chili Cookoff
 10. Another Weight Loss Programme <adult>

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Date:    Wed, 3 May 2000 05:49:42 -0400
From:    "Greg ~8:(-)" <wiffles@SUPERIOR.NET>
Subject: Find The Lord

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday
afternoon down by the river.  He proceeds to stumble down
into the water and stands next to the Minister.  The Minister
turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready
to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls
him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace
of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this
is where he fell in?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 3 May 2000 07:13:22 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Misleading Riddles

 1.  I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
     drip. When you blow me, you feel good.  What am I?

 2.  I im spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People
     sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?

 3.  I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a
     big swinger. What am I?

 4.  Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't a maiden for long. A big
     hard thing ripped me open. What am I?

 5.  You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get
     wet before you do. What am I?

 6.  When I go in, I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to
     swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

 7.  A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best
     man always has me first. What am I?

 8.  All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both
     men and women go down on me. What am I?

 9.  I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

 10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I
     come, it's news. What am I?

 11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers
     to get me off. What am I?

 12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What
     am I?

 13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for
     it. What am I ?


 Try answering these before you look at the answers and get your mind out
 of the gutter!











 Answers:

 1. -  A Nose

 2. -  Peanut Butter

 3. -  A Crane

 4. -  The Titanic

 5. -  A Tent

 6. -  A Dentist

 7. -  A Wedding Ring

 8. -  An Elevator

 9. -  Chewing Gum

 10. - A Newspaper Boy

 11. - A Glove

 12. - An Arrow

 13. - An Attorney

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 3 May 2000 07:40:41 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Black Eye

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His
father sees it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you
not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up, and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the
crack of her butt, so I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she
hit me! "

"Johnny!" the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye
black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad!" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault! There we were in church
saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had
her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Lee who was sitting next to me
saw it, and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't
like this, so I pushed it back in!"

****************
If all else fails, throw up.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 3 May 2000 08:33:40 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: an even better "best bar joke ever"

This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not understand
this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.

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an old termite with false teeth walks into a bar and shouts, "hey!  where's
the bartender?!?!"



be seeing you,

oxo



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<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS">an old termite with false =
teeth walks into a bar and shouts, &quot;hey!&nbsp; where's the =
bartender?!?!&quot;</FONT>
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<BR>
<BR>

<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS">be seeing you,</FONT>
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<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS">oxo</FONT>
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Date:    Wed, 3 May 2000 07:34:11 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Why Dogs are Better than Men

 1- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
 2- Dogs miss you when you're gone.
 3- Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
 4- Dogs admit when they're jealous.
 5- Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
 6- Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they never
    laugh at how you throw.)
 7- You can train a dog.
 8- Dogs are easy to buy for.
 9- The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the
    really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a
    vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
 10- Dogs understand what "no" means.
 11- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 3 May 2000 11:14:38 +0100
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World! #85

 Free Elian? No, free enterprise! Suddenly, the eBay online auction site is
overflowing with merchandise related to -- or at least claiming to be
related to -- Elian Gonzalez. At Net speed, the youngster's painful ordeal
has been transformed into e-commerce fodder. Some sellers earnestly claim
their goods have been touched by Elian himself, while others suggest parody
or a hoax. Still others admit their merchandise has nothing to do with
Elian, but
figure it's worth mentioning the boy anyway since "Elian" is such a
popular search term. Among the items for sale:

 · "Elian! Hair retrieved from trash bin in FLA!" No bidders, asking $50 to
start.

 · "Toothbrush resembling Elian Gonzalez's." Bids reached $750.22 before the
item was removed from the site.

 · "Jar Of Air From Elian Gonzalez's Neighborhood." 10 bids,$14,999.50. Item
 removed.
 · "Elian Gonzalez's Beanie Babies," at $15.50 after four bids. "Someone
told me these beanies were played with by Elian," states theseller.

Source -- The Wall Street Journal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 3 May 2000 11:53:11 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: The American President <political>

Saw this on a bumper sticker the other day:

Vote for Nixon in 2000, he isn't as stiff as Gore.


Angelfire for your free web-based e-mail. http://www.angelfire.com

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 3 May 2000 19:13:45 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Two Prayers

The Dieter's Prayer:

        My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
        It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
        It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
        Sometimes during the night.
        It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
        It destroyeth my shape.
        Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
        For the food tasteth so good.
        The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
        When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
        For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
        As I filleth my plate continuously.
        My clothes runneth smaller.
        Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
        All the days of my life
        And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

The Beer Drinker's Prayer:

        Our lager, Which art in barrels,
        Hallowed be thy drink.
        I will be drunk,
        At home as in the tavern.
        Give us this day our foamy head,
        And forgive us our spillages,
        As we forgive those who spill against us.
        And lead us not to incarceration,
        But deliver us from hangovers.
        For thine is the beer,
        The bitter and The lager.
        Forever and ever.
                Barmen

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 3 May 2000 21:23:34 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Chili Cookoff

From: "Vernon, Deanna (Dallas)" <DVernon@sfdrill.com>

FRANK, who was visiting Texas (probably from New York):

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to
do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of  pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more  peppers to be taken  seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm  not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the  beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one
of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4
inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   Texas 7-course meal -- a bowl of chili and a six-pack.

Get paid to surf the net.  Join All Advantage.
Sign up today. http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=IFI-810

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 4 May 2000 10:38:05 +0530
From:    chaps <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Another Weight Loss Programme <adult>

(via Ravin S. Lama <bhawana@col.com.np>)

An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor's office and claims
that she has tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. She
further advises that her husband won't make love to her any more and her
friends make fun of her. That everywhere she goes they tease her and
that she can't take it any more. So the doctor proposes a a radical
diet, rectal feeding.

Reassuring the fattie that she won't starve to death, the doctor
explains that she can actually take in enough nutrients through the
rectal walls to sustain life. But that she's sure to lose weight in the
process.

Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and
she's down from 360lbs. to a trim 110lbs. At first the doctor asks his
nurse who is that beautiful lady in the waiting area?. The nurse reminds
the doctor of the lady with the special diet. The doctor show the
patient into the exam room and notices that she is bouncing up and down
and side to side quite energetically. So the doctor asks how was she
doing the patient replies "I'm feeeling great, doc, never felt better"

"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down and side to side?"
The patient replies, "Oh!, nothing doc, I'm just chewing gum".

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 3 May 2000 to 4 May 2000 (#2000-125)
**********************************************************