From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Friday, June 02, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Jun 2000 to 2 Jun 2000 (#2000-154) There are 8 messages totalling 319 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Cosmetic Surgery??? 2. PC Terms "Unplugged" 3. Cook's Dictionary 4. The novice journalist 5. The drummer 6. Science Headlines 7. Two engines 8. Adjustments ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 06:52:20 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Cosmetic Surgery??? A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes. They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob." [Thanks to Irismist] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 07:10:13 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: PC Terms "Unplugged" It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving." It says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.) It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem." It says: "Installing program to C:\...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them." It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks." It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..." It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely." It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops." It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 07:54:14 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Cook's Dictionary A Cook's Dictionary ---------------- Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand. Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest bathroom. Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of. Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or another in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types they contain are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose (sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol). Taste: 1) The ability to distinguish between, say, tripes a la mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2) The critical discernment necessary to choose the chocolate pudding. Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a particular dish is overcooked. ( from Laura Soule via TheChef @ wwrecipes.com ) http://wwrecipes.com ************************** If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food? ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 09:58:42 -0400 From: Jimmy Farrar Subject: The novice journalist A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home." Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 12:47:48 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: The drummer A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay". --Thanks to Paul Benwah :-) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 14:32:50 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: Science Headlines These were passed along by a list member who usually pretends that this sort of intellectual humor is supercilious, but understands each and every one of them... jhm *********************************** HEADLINES YOU'D MOST LIKE TO SEE New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come. Here are this year's winners: Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive. Valerie Moyses Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge. Cheryl Chapman Time travel to be discovered next year. J. White Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true. J. White Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism. Stephen Thompson Water into wine -- ancient catalyst rediscovered. Ray Heaton I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus. Helena Petre Half-dead cat found in box -- RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist. Peter Rowland Tony Blair cloned -- regional assemblies to get one each. George Oldham "Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament. Kevin Ennis Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize. Kevin Ennis Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator in Moscow supermarket. Alastair Johnson The Universe stops expanding this week -- keew siht gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT. Raymond Broersma Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra -- "We WILL stop hurricanes," vows Clinton. Bonnie Ralph Genetically spliced yeast makes old malt whisky from remaindered books. Ronald Smith Meteorite hits lottery winner. Patrick Rowley Fermat's last memo discovered -- "Sod the margin, look on the other side of the page." Chris Moore Goodbye Dolly -- biotechnology triumph mown down by tourist's car. Richard Collender "Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion -- NASA now investigating "vase" on Mars. Bruce Alcorn Immune system boosted by real ale. Gerald Leach Microsoft help helps. Mike Haslam "Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed -- millions enjoy Christmas. Melissa Lewis ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 20:24:31 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Two engines From: Griff Evans Two Engines A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power. Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.02 x 10^23 Get paid to surf the net. Join All Advantage. Sign up today. http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=IFI-810 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 09:28:12 +0530 From: chaps Subject: Adjustments Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face. "Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks. "Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor. "What is it Doc?" asks Albert. "I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say." Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it". "Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud." "Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert. "No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt." Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jun 2000 to 2 Jun 2000 (#2000-154) **********************************************************