From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, June 04, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Jun 2000 to 4 Jun 2000 (#2000-156) There are 4 messages totalling 210 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. How smart do you really think you are? 2. Wrong Approach 3. Weird Business News #26 (1st of 3) 4. prostitute and politician ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 3 Jun 2000 09:05:31 -0400 From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: How smart do you really think you are? Could You Have Passed the 8th Grade in 1895? This is not actually a genius question, there are no answers listed, but just look how much you had to know in the 8th grade back then! Take a Look: This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 from Salina, KS. USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS and reprinted by the Salina Journal. 8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895 Grammar (Time, one hour) 1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters. 2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications. 3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph. 4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run. 5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case. 6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation. 7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar. Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours) 1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic. 2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold? 3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. Per bu., deducting 1050 lbs. for tare? 4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals? 5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton. 6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent. 7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per m? 8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent. 9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per are, the distance around which is 640 rods? 10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt. U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes) 1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided. 2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus. 3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War. 4. Show the territorial growth of the United States. 5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas. 6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion. 7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe? 8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607 1620 1800 1849 1865 Orthography (Time, one hour) 1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication? 2. What are elementary sounds? How classified? 3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, sub vocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals? 4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'. 5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule. 6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each. 7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono,super. 8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last. 9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays. 10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication. Geography (Time, one hour) 1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend? 2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas? 3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean? 4. Describe the mountains of North America. 5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba,Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco. 6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. 7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each. 8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude? 9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers. 10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth. Have a peaceful and joyous day. Aditya Mishra Primary e-mail: a018967t@bc.seflin.org Primary homepage: http://www.smart1.net/aditya ICQ # 1131674 Phone #: (954)746-0442 Fax # (209)315-8571 Random thought of the day: If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. ... Graham Summer ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 2000 09:56:49 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Wrong Approach Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late." His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a little?' and she pretends that she's asleep!" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 2000 16:26:55 -0300 From: Ken Brousseau Sr Subject: Weird Business News #26 (1st of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Texas' chip title is about cow,not PC. THERE IS NOTHING so rare as a cool day in June. Or the sight of a business not playing the fool in search of a buck. You guessed it. It's another edition of Weird Business News. Discount of the Day. Apple Computer cut the price of its Web applications software WebObjects from $50,000 to $699. Which reminds us of the joke about how if automobiles were like computers, your car would get 90 miles to the gallon, cost about $500 and once every two months would crash and kill you. Things Non-readers of This Column Might Not Know. Texas is the No. 1 manure-producing state. And no, this column isn't part of the output. Names in the News. As usual, the Internet provides the bulk of these items. The same guy who used to name rock bands now works the Web. Examples: Pseudo Programs is the world's largest producer of original Internet television. Blue Martini makes software to automate customer telephone and Internet service. TV-Loonland. A German television producer. RateBomb.com. Operates an Internet hotel reservation service. Friendly Robotics LTD. A privately held Israeli company that recently entered into a deal with the Toro Co. to produce a robotic lawnmower. First place, however, goes to the new head of Houston-based Reliant Energy's European division, G.L.M.A. van Lanschot. By my deadline, a Reliant spokesman couldn't say what the initials stand for, but added that they call him "Ito." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jun 2000 19:43:10 -0700 From: Steven & Susan Subject: prostitute and politician After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table. "Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20." "Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that." "Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!" Steven ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jun 2000 to 4 Jun 2000 (#2000-156) **********************************************************