From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Monday, June 05, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Jun 2000 to 5 Jun 2000 (#2000-157) There are 6 messages totalling 367 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Stubby Tails (Puns) 2. Zoo Visit 3. Weird Business News #26 (2nd of 3) 4. Jerry Falwell's New Crusade 5. A Case at The Doctors' 6. Sea Monsters (Pun) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 01:37:20 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Stubby Tails (Puns) Maggie Thatcher went to see the doctor about a painful boil. The doctor told his nurse to administer a local anesthetic and let him know when she was ready for treatment. When the nurse returned, the doctor said: "Is Thatcher fine? I'll lance her." (By Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.) Intrigued by rumors that a group of Tennessee Jews has been successfully marketing a brand of chewing tobacco, kosher food giant Manischewitz sends somneone to investigate. He approaches a group of men loitering outside a Baptist church, spitting into cans, and he asks: "Pardon me, goys, is that the Chattanooga Jews' chew?" (By Charles Frick) Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows and arrows. They spot a big buck and take aim. One shoots, and his arrow flies off ten feet to the left. The second shoots, and his arrow goes ten feet to the right. The third statistician jumps up and down yelling, "We got him! We got him!" (Renee from Napa) Dr. Richard Gordon tells, in his book called "Doctors at Large," of the day a gawky, teen-age girl came to his office, complaining that she coughed so steadily at night she couldn't sleep. Dr Gordon asked her to strip, then put the stethoscope on her chest. "Now, then," he commanded, "big breaths!" The girl nodded proudly and agreed, "Yeth, thir; and I'm only thixteen!" (By Bnnett Cerf) My son works at a casino. One evening when he was running the roulette table a fly landed on a number. One of the players noticed and put his money on that number. After my son spun the wheel and there were no winners, he turned to the disappointed bettor and said, "It must have been a house fly." (Carol DeRosier) A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam. "Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes." "So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?" "What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is a zebra." A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, whut's thaaat?" he said. His Canadian friend looked out the window and said, "Oh, that's a moose." "Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are your cats aroond here?" I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A few weeks later, his wife gave mine the real truth of what happened. Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him. My neighbor Bill had a very proud looking tree in his front yard which he often referred to as a pompous tree. Last week, the tree turned dark gray and died. When I asked him what happened, he replied, "It shouldn't have forgotten its roots. A man with no arms walks into a bank with a stocking over his head and a Coca-Cola tote bag hanging around his neck. He goes up to the first teller and says, "This is a stickup. Put all your money in this bag." The teller gets a frightened look of panic on her face as she leans over the counter and begins stuffing money into the bag. The man says to her, "Don't worry, Miss, I'm unarmed. I sent my best friend, who is one month older then me, a not-so-subtle jab at his turning 40 by means of a gift-wrapped CD by the popular British Reggae group UB40. A month later he sent me my own birthday gift--the latest release from the Irish rock group U2. (John Davis) I was working in an insurance office when a prospective client asked for a quote on business-libility coverage. When I found out the client owned and operated a nude- dancer's club, I checked on whether we'd cover such an establishment. An underwriter declined the risk, explaining in a memo, "Too much exposure." (Julie Benitez) Local Resident James Carney convicted last week of fraud and embezzlement charges in Anchorage, is preparing to sue the state of Alaska on humanitarian charges, claiming that the prison is not propperly heated. Inmates at the prison where Carney is housed have begun calling him "The Chilly Con Carney" (By Brad Williams) One day at the food bank where I work, 20 boxes of cabbage came in. A new staff member was advised by Arty, a longtime volunteer, to lift them from the bottom. Within seconds, however, the staff members tried to pick up a box from the siides. The bottom fell out, spilling cabbages all across the toom. "Next time, lift from the bottom," Arty admonished, "or heads will roll." (By Peggy McWood) ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 08:52:18 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Zoo Visit Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, leapt to the ground and pumped her like crazy. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said,"We shall never talk about this, agreed?" The other young nun consented. Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend," I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question." The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!" The other nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?" "Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called... never phoned... he never sent flowers...!" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 09:53:54 -0300 From: Ken Brousseau Sr Subject: Weird Business News #26 (2nd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A hot e-mail ad, indeed Great Moments in Advertising. The television advertising for Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program uses music from Mozart's Requiem. Onthe screen you see the line, "Where do you wantto go today?" In the background a chorus sings in Latin. The translation? "The damned and accursed are consigned to the flames of hell." Cheap Thrill for Mom. The American Stroke Association recommended that for Mother's Day you give her a bottle of aspirin. Taking one a day Our Gag Me With Cute Award to the Royal Soap Co. of Dallas. For Easter, it put out a line of brightly colored soaps with such names as Snuggle Bunny, Pink Chick, Yellow Chick and Sunrise. Travel Weekly, a publication aimed at travel agents, relays the following story from Brian Buss, a Raleigh, N.C., agent. Buss had a shy woman client who sat in the bulkhead first row of an airplane with her infant in a bassinet on the floor in front of her. A flight attendant, not noticing its contents, briskly swept up the bassinet with baby and placed it in the overhead bin. It was some time after the plane was airborne before the mother could pluck up the courage to ask if she could have her baby back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 20:44:59 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Jerry Falwell's New Crusade The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky, from the Teletubbies children's television show, was "clearly a fount of gayness." His reasoning is because the character is purple (a "gay" colour), has an antenna in a triangle shape (a "gay" symbol) and he carries a purse. However, as I see it, Falwell's work is far from over. FRED FLINTSTONE Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is "Twinkle-Toes," the show's theme song ends with the phrase, "We'll have a gay old time," he wears a little orange dress with triangles on it and he hangs out with Barney more than Wilma. BUGS BUNNY Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a hairdresser in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag and he loves to throw on a top hat and tails while belting out Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it's worth noting, speaks with an obvious lisp. VELMA (of Scooby Doo) Evidence: She always tries to sit next to Daphne in the van, she sports an obvious butch haircut, she has broad shoulders, she is always wearing a thick turtleneck sweater and knee socks and she never once attempted to shag Shaggy. POPEYE Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears a sailor suit even though he hasn't been on a ship in years, frequently does little sailor dances, dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl and his best friend is named Wimpy. BATMAN & ROBIN Evidence: Robin's nickname is "Boy Wonder," Batman's real name is "Bruce," they both wear tights and they both in great shape. PEPPERMINT PATTY Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly voice, she always wears pants and not dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts girls, she plays a mean game of football, she is always hanging out with the very androgynous Marcie, she always wears comfortable shoes and her nickname is "Sir." PINK PANTHER: 'Nuff said. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Jun 2000 10:10:26 +0530 From: chaps Subject: A Case at The Doctors' It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?" Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 22:25:40 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Sea Monsters (Pun) Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship. A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard. The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything. Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jun 2000 to 5 Jun 2000 (#2000-157) **********************************************************