From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, June 07, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 6 Jun 2000 to 7 Jun 2000 (#2000-159) There are 6 messages totalling 374 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. RESERVATIONS OF AN AIRLINE AGENT 2. Quotes 3. Summer In S. Jawjuh 4. Humor: Drunk joke 5. Weird Business News #27 6. Chemistry Set ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 6 Jun 2000 06:48:19 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: RESERVATIONS OF AN AIRLINE AGENT Reservations Of An Airline Agent (After Surviving 130,000 Calls From The Traveling Public) By: Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post I work in a central reservation office of an airline company. After more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor. I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teen- age daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb. In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name of "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere. In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked "Oh...is it a big place?" I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from. I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?" I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior -- and it allowed for no means of retaliation. We were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'." It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!" Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always ask: "...Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for. But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the weary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio." After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. 75% won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call. But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click of the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is. Oh, and James..."Thanks for calling and have a nice day." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jun 2000 07:10:33 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Quotes "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." ....Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house." ....Zsa Zsa Gabor "Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face." ....Henny Youngman "I always wanted to be somebody but I should have been more specific." ....Lily Tomlin "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" ....Lee Iacocca "Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything." ....Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel "The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it." ....Jackie Gleason "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is." ....Ellen DeGeneres "Have you ever noticed....anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" ....George Carlin "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." ....A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." ....Spencer Silver on work that led to 3-M 'Post-It' Notepads. And the best one of all... "640K ought to be enough for anybody." .....Bill Gates, 1981 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jun 2000 10:02:15 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Summer In S. Jawjuh People's wearing shorts again. All 'cept me, but just in deference to last year's request by the local Moral Decency League. -- The Old Perfesser +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+ The old perfesser got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through painting the front bricks when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?" The old perfesser thought for a second, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her." +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+ The old perfesser's childhood chum is now a reporter in Philadelphia. He came a'callin' on his old buddy last week, who was busy at his side job, proofreading for the local newspaper. "I don't see how you do it," the old perfesser's friend said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what every- body else is doing?" "Sure they know," the old perfesser said, "but they read the newspaper to see who got caught at it." +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+ Recently, MrsPerfesser started writing a column for the local snoozrag. She calls it, "MrsPerfessers CULTURAL CORNER". Here's the first installment she sent in: ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM SHOPPING 1. Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone. 2. If it's on sale, you need it. 3. Never ask your mother her opinion. 4. You can always take it back. 5. You'll grow into it. 6. By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds. 7. Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you." 8. If they're working on commission, they're lying. 9. Know when to yell, "Charge!" 10. So many malls, so little time. 11. If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending money. 12. Always try to spend someone else's money first. 13. There's no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiastic shopping. 14. Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy. 15. If you've still got checks, there must be money in the account. 16. You can always get more credit. 17. If you want it, you deserve it. +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+ Some newly married friends were visiting the old and MrsPerfesser when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own." +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+ The stockbroker called his client and said, "Perfesser, I have good news and bad news." The old perfesser said, "Oh, shoot... tell me the bad news first." The stockbroker said "Perfesser, I'm sorry, but I lost all of your money." The old perfesser said, "Well, what the hell's the good news?" The stockbroker replied, "I got laid last night." +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+ MrsPerfesser and Rotunda were discussing marriage, and MrsP said, "We've been married over twenty-five years, and every night the old perfesser has complained about the food. Not one night goes by without him complaining about the food." Rotunda said, "That's awful. Don't it bother you?" MrsPerfesser answered, "Why should I object that he doesn't like his own cooking?" +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+ In the tiny town of Valdosta, the villagers had a problem with a pack of neighborhood dogs that roamed the trailer park at night, leaving huge piles of dog poo in everyone's front yard. Every morning, the neighbors would rise, go out to pick up the morning paper, and scoop up the dog poo. Everyone *except* for one old geezer.... that's right, you guessed it, the old perfesser! Every morning, the old perfesser would walk out of his house with a mason jar filled with liquid and an eye dropper, and *drop* liquid on each of the piles. By mid-afternoon, every one of them piles of poo were mysteriously *gone!* One day while shopping at the Piggly Wiggly, a curious neighbor happened upon the old perfesser coming out of the store. "Beg your pardon... But I *have* to ask. What is that liquid that you place on the dog droppings each morning?" And the old perfesser just winked, and replied, "Bacon grease... plain ol' bacon grease." ************************** Did I tell you I graduated Summa Cum Loudly? -- The Old Perfesser ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jun 2000 10:56:39 -0500 From: "Rowe, Thomas" Subject: Humor: Drunk joke A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jun 2000 12:18:17 -0300 From: Ken Brousseau Sr Subject: Weird Business News #27 Briefcase: Expense account creativity pays off. The guy who expensed his Chicago hotel room for $2,788 after a kielbasa sausage dinner caught on fire and nearly burned the place down almost won. And the Texas auditor reimbursed for the rental of an elephant to pull heavy machinery out of the mud almost took the grand prize, too. However, the winning entry in the funniest-expense-report contest came from the Lake Oswego, Ore., marketing manager who wrote off two voodoo dolls: He had bought them to curse an industry analyst who frequently bashed his company. The judge in the competition, Dilbert cartoonist Scott Adams, called the voodoo doll story submitted by Dan Wolff "a wonderful blend of inappropriate spending and malicious intent. I expect Dan Wolff to go far in management," Adams said. Wolff wiped more than 100 other competitors off the expense account books in a national Internet contest. Contestants were asked to write essays of up to 150 words describing their most creative business expense reports, and give voice to the "cubicle-constrained workers of the world." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Source -- San Francisco Examiner ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 09:23:43 +0530 From: chaps Subject: Chemistry Set A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock." His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen." His son quite naturally said, ``Sure why not.'' The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is from your mother." Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Jun 2000 to 7 Jun 2000 (#2000-159) **********************************************************