From: UGA Humor List [HUMOR@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] on behalf of Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, October 13, 2010 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 12 Oct 2010 to 13 Oct 2010 (#2010-286) There are 7 messages totalling 352 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Shmuel Breban, Comedian 2. This Week's Horoscope 3. In Class 4. Traffic Report for September 2010 5. Anatomy 6. la dolce vita 7. Never Mind... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2010 08:12:29 +0000 From: Marsha Coleman Subject: Shmuel Breban, Comedian Shmuel Breban, Comedian From his (public) Facebook page : http://www.facebook.com/pages/Shmuel-Breban-Orthodox-Comedian-rhymes/124764520909220 Turns out that my personal trainer is a huge liar... he's been training other people, too! I wonder if they know... If you are allergic to alcoholÂ… can you take shots for that??? I went to check out an apartment, and the landlord told me that I need to pay first and last month's rent. Okay, cool Later, I found out...I also have to pay for every month in-between! The old bait-and-switch. Hey, how come the dollar store never has ANY sales?!? I recently purchased a yo-yo at a flea market for just 15 centsÂ…no strings attached. If Ricky Martin were a 75-year-old Jewish dude, he'd be livin' la vida Boca. U2's lawyers work pro Bono. There's a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs... my favorite is - Nestle. ----------------------------------------------- Join the UGA HumorList: http://thehumorlist.com ----------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2010 05:03:21 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: This Week's Horoscope Aries (March 21 – April 19): Office snacks are way too tempting. Wear your fat pants. Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Today you are likely to drop the ball. Keep the ball close to the toes of your enemies and make the most of a bad situation. Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Songs on the radio will be amazingly relevant to your life. Avoid crying on freeways or at least move into the slow lane. Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Get your head out of the clouds or out of your butt and pay attention - especially when at the ATM machine. You don't want to lose that card - AGAIN. Leo (July 23 – Aug 22): You're missing the mark. Move over. Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22): The desert of discontent is upon you. Drink more water. Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 23): Your ship has come in. Too bad you're not at the docks. Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21): A co—worker is jealous of your perceived success. Revel in it. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You are almost out of clean socks. Don't sweat laundry. Just buy more socks. Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan 19): You've got the "Eye of the Tiger". Unfortunately you also have the smell of the jungle. Avoid intimate encounters. Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Success is contagious, and you need to catch it. Look for some coat tails.... FAST! Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): An old crush comes back and crushes you some more. ----------------------------------------------- Join the UGA HumorList: http://thehumorlist.com ----------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2010 13:37:03 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: In Class The Old Perfesser who, unbeknownst to many, is also a Professor of Philosophy, at the end of his lectures on nihilism and existentialism, asked the class to write a paper proving that his chair did not exist. Maury took three hours to write a 40-page essay. Pauly took three seconds to write, "What chair?" -------------------------- To subscribe to the Humor List, send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu and in the BODY put: sub humor yourfirstname yourlastname. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2010 08:08:51 -0400 From: Douglas Harter Subject: Traffic Report for September 2010 Hi, everyone, this is Doug, with this month's traffic report. Once a month, during the first part of the month, I send the report to the entire HUMOR list. Welcome to the month of September, 2010. Sorry the Report is late this month. I was thinking I had done it. Senior moment. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Subscribe to the UGA Humor List by sending an e-mail to listserv@listserv.uga.edu and in the BODY of the e-mail put: sub humor Joe Smith (Use your name instead of Joe Smith) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = These are the current sites for the archives: archive.thehumorlist.com (HTML copies of Digests and Yearly and Monthly Traffic Reports) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Traffic Report for September 2010 Week Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat 1 4 7 5 4 2 4 7 5 5 3 5 5 3 4 6 7 9 5 6 3 4 5 4 6 4 5 5 4 5 5 7 8 5 6 Sep Aug Sep Sep 2010 2010 2009 2008 # Jokes for the Month: 158 179 185 183 # days of submissions for the Month: 30 31 30 30 Average Jokes per day for the Month: 5 6 6 6 # Contributors for the Month: 14 17 12 14 # New Subscribers for the Month: 10 7 10 9 # Members Unsubscribed for the Month: 16 6 15 14 # Subscribers as of end of the Month: 2269 2274 2400 2475 # Contributors as of end of the Month: 30 30 32 34 # Countries as of end of the month: 56 56 57 58 The above statistics are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct mailings. The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Cocos (Keeling) Islands, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Lebanon, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Mauritius, Mexico, Netherlands, New Zealand, Portugal, Romania, Russian Federation, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Tajikistan, Tonga, Turkey, Tuvalu, United Arab Emirates, USA, The countries list is generated from the last part of your email address. If your address doesn't end with a country name, it is assumed to be from the USA. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Number Submissions By Hour -------------------------- 00 to 11 34 0 2 0 0 19 6 12 6 9 8 2 12 to 23 8 17 13 4 4 2 4 1 1 2 4 0 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = And now, the Top 15 Contributors. This will show you which Contributors are sending the most contributions of Humor each month. Those who are posting every day are noted. Top 14 Contributors from 9/1/2010 to 9/30/2010 Contributor # Posts *Paul Benoit 30 *Bill Stebbins 30 Maurizio Mariotti 22 Phil Glowatz 19 Mickey Hennigan 15 Marsha Coleman 11 Stan Kegel 8 Emko Witteveen 7 Topolski, Leonard P. 5 Lee Bradley 5 Jim Mica 2 Richard Nehrbass 1 Randall Woodman 1 Doug Harter 1 * - Contributed Every Digest/Day = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = The Humor staff is comprised of: Jay Harman, Listowner and Examiner & Rules Enforcer Doug Harter, Archivist and Traffic Reporter Bill Edwards, Founder and Listowner Emeritus HUMOR GOALS A daily average of 5-10 examples of humor. A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects. Freedom of expression for contributors. Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning requirement). HUMOR CONTRIBUTOR RULES (brief version) Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor. Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive. One contribution per day. Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted. Discussion, requests, and criticisms are not to be posted. No personal attacks, apologies, reactions or retractions. Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max). Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines; No ASCII art or sig file. A contributor who violates the rules may be suspended. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = To Subscribe to the Humor List: Send an e-mail to: leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A few of the more widely used commands: Send an e-mail to: leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: GET HUMOR GUIDE become a contributor QUERY HUMOR check your settings SIGNOFF HUMOR leave the main list (unsubscribe) SIGNOFF HUMOR-P leave the contributor's list SET HUMOR NOMAIL stop all mail for a temporary period SET HUMOR MAIL receive humor as it is posted SET HUMOR DIGEST daily collections of humor (default) SET HUMOR CONCEAL conceal your address from spammers = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = And finally, the one feature which has been featured in all Traffic Reports, the contribution of Humor. Since, I am not a real regular contributor, I will not be providing new Humor. Instead, I will provide a joke from the archives. It will be at least 14 months old, so most of you won't remember it. You will either see the joke below or a link to the joke, not the actual joke, although I will provide the Subject line (Topic). Since there are now HTML versions of all Digests, it will point to the joke itself. My contribution of Humor from the Archives: This joke is joke # 1 in the Digest for 9/20/1997 The title of the Joke is: Dining Out You can read it directly on the HTML Digest for that day at: archive.thehumorlist.com/Site1/Digests/H9709200.php#Joke1 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Doug Harter, Traffic Reporter and Archiver ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2010 07:59:18 -0500 From: "Topolski, Leonard P." Subject: Anatomy "Mother," the young woman asked, "remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach?" "Sure," her mother answered. "Well," the girl went on, "last night I think I may have found a new route." Information contained in this email is subject to the disclaimer found by clicking on the following link: http://www.lyondellbasell.com/Footer/Disclaimer/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2010 22:45:45 -0400 From: Lee Bradley Subject: la dolce vita Back when he was young, Pauly, to impress his date, took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spondalucci," he said. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the proprietor." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 13 Oct 2010 00:18:00 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Never Mind... A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," ... lets her. A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her ... gets mad. A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad says ... "What are you mad about, NOW!?" A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says ... "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. Bill Stebbins Live well, Laugh often, Love much... ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Oct 2010 to 13 Oct 2010 (#2010-286) ************************************************************