From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 13 Apr 1993 There are 35 messages totalling 1784 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. State of Arkansas Application for Residency 2. Top 50 things to do when you've no chance of passing a class... 3. What driving to the store would be like if your OS drove. 4. The VAXorcist... 5. Re: Bumpersticker # 6. Re: Do You Remember Elephant Jokes? 7. Golf/priest joke -- rated G 8. Computer Industry (Rated PG-13) 9. R rated White House Humor 10. Bumpersticker 11. Human Brain Not Yet Obsolete 12. Queen Berets (PG-13) 13. System Manager's Story (PG-13) 14. ZODIAC (R) 15. MALL MUSIC 16. Re: Bumpersticker 17. Chicken joke 18. More elephant jokes 19. Presidents in Heaven (G) 20. Lifsaver? (PG-13) 21. USE YOUR CONDOMS!!! RATED "R+" 22. Bumpersticker 23. 45 REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX-BEDROOM GOLF "R" 24. more elephant jokes 25. Woman in Store -- R 26. Re: more elephant jokes 27. Re: Presidents in Heaven (G) 28. A riddle (R) 29. Clinton joke 30. Poet joke 31. Fried Rice 32. Re: Chicken joke 33. Dumb joke, rated G... 34. Re: more elephant jokes G 35. Ruthless political humor ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 01:50:13 -0500 From: "Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog." Subject: State of Arkansas Application for Residency STATE OF ARKANSAS APPLICATION FOR RESIDENCY NAME:___________________________________________________________ _______ NICKNAME:_________________________ CB HANDLE:__________________________ ADDRESS:________________________________________________________ _______ LAST KNOWN JOB:________________________________________________________ 1. NECK SHADE: ( )Light Red ( )Medium Red ( )Dark Red ( )Other 2. NUMBER OF TEETH EXPOSED IN FULL GRIN: Upper________ Lower__________ 3. MAKE OF PICK-UP:___________________ SIZE OF TIRES:________________ 4. TRUCK EQUIPED WITH: ( )8-Track ( )CB ( )Gun Rack ( )Beer Cans 5. BUMPER STICKERS: ( )Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT ( )Old Fart ( ) I Love Beer ( ) At Least It's Paid For ( ) My Other Car is a Piece of Shit Too 6. NUMBER OF CARS/TRUCKS IN YARD:_____________ NUMBER THAT RUN:_______ 7. NUMBER OF KITCHEN APPLIANCES ON FRONT PORCH:_______________________ 8. HOUNDS: ( )Blue Tick ( )Beagle ( )Black & Tan ( )Other_________ 9. LENGTH OF RIGHT LEG:_______________ LENGTH OF LEFT LEG:____________ 10. WHEN AND WHERE WAS YOUR LAST ELVIS SIGHTING?_______________________ 11. ARE YOU MARRIED TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING? Check all the apply: ( ) Sister ( )Cousin ( )Cousin's Sister ( )Aunt ( )Other_______ 12. WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOUR WIFE WEIGHS MORE THAN OR ABOUT EQUAL TO YOUR TRUCK:________________________________________________________ 13. HAVE YOU EVER HAD MORE THAN ONE BATH IN WEEK? ( )Yes ( )No 14. DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING? Check all that apply: a. ( )Body Odor ( )Lice ( )Bad Breath ( )Beer Breath b. ( )Yellow Teeth ( )Brown Teeth ( )Some Teeth ( )No Teeth c. ( )Brown Eyes ( )Blue Eyes ( )One Eye ( )Crossed Eyes 15. NOT INCLUDING YOUR BOOTS, DO YOU OWN ANY SHOES? ( )Yes ( )No 16. CAN YOU COUNT PAST TEN WITH YOUR BOOTS ON? ( )Yes ( )No 17. CAN YOU COUNT PAST 19 WITH YOUR FLY UP? ( )Yes ( )No 18. FAVORITE PASTIME: ( )Drinkin' ( )'Coon Huntin' ( )Fishin' 19. FAVORITE WEAPON: ( )Shot Gun ( )Hunting Knife ( )Tire Iron ( )Chain 20. FAVORITE CAP EMBLEM: ( )John Deere ( )CAT ( )Skoal ( )Budweiser 21. NUMBER OF YEARS IN NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION:_____________________ CIRCLE THE SIGNATURE CLOSEST TO YOUR OWN NAME AND RETURN TO BILL CLINTON. BUBBA JIMBOB LeROY HANK JETHRO BILLYBOB X ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 01:50:37 -0500 From: "Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog." Subject: Top 50 things to do when you've no chance of passing a class... Top 50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam) 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 01:50:56 -0500 From: "Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog." Subject: What driving to the store would be like if your OS drove. WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR >> MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys. >> Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train. >> Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car drives you to church. >> UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop. >> Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard. >> Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet. >> OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town. >> S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds. >> OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons. >> VAX/VMS: You use up tremendous amounts of gas to go very slowly and only getting to see and image of the store. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 01:51:03 -0500 From: "Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog." Subject: The VAXorcist... From: VAXEN::WR76777 "BOOT TO THE HEAD!" 4-APR-1993 14:39:31.77 To: DAVE CC: Subj: THE VAXORCIST ------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (SCENE: Inside of a VAX computer room. CREDITS ROLL as the SYSMGR is sitting in front of the console terminal, typing. He pauses, picks up a small magnetic tape, walks over to a tape drive, mounts it, and returns to the console where he continues typing.) (There is a knock at the door. SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it, revealing USER.) USER: Any idea when the system will be up? SYSMGR: Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to run some diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works alright. Assuming everything goes alright, the system should be up first thing tomorrow morning. USER: Great. Thanks. (Exits) (SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.) ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE: This is John Smith, Lawrence Technological University System Manager. In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has just installed VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX. But little does he know that the Version 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ... the VMS TWILIGHT ZONE! (ominous music - fade out) (Fade in. The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks up his coat and walks to the door. He stops at the door for a moment, looking back at the big machine. Finally, he turns out the light and exits, closing the door behind him.) (Cut to the Console Terminal. We read the following as it is printed on the console terminal:) VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS -- DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING... DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY. DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING... TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING DECNET ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ... (Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive. The tape spins for a moment, and suddenly stops.) (Cut to view of the Machine Room. A fog has begun drifting across the floor, and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light. A peal of weird laughter cuts through the silence. A variety of bizarre things occur: A VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360 degrees; the tape drive opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slime begins pouring out of a disk drive; the line printer begins form-feeding like mad. These continue for several minutes, or for as long as we can keep them up. FADE OUT) (SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room. SYSMGR walks up to the door and is met by USER.) USER: System going to be up soon? SYSMGR: (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but the door is apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so we should be up in about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, but is confronted by floor to ceiling magnetic tape. Tangled at about eye level is an empty tape reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it. CLOSE UP of the reel so we can read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or take a few days.... (SCENE: View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sitting in a cubicle, a terminal in front of her. Beside her on the wall is a poster which reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It". We can see the terminal, but we should not be able to read what is on it. She is wearing a headset.) TSR: Colorado Customer Support. What is your access number, please? SYSMGR VOICE: 31576 TSR: And your name? SYSMGR VOICE: John Smith. (Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console. He his holding a phone to his head with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he is perusing while he talks on the phone.) TSR VOICE: And what operating system are you using? SYSMGR: VMS version 5. TSR VOICE: And is this a problem with the operating system or a layered product? (As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen and he drops the printout and ducks. At that second, a disk platter flies through the air where his head just was. Slowly, SYSMGR stands up and looks to where the disk went. PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with a disk embedded in one of them at neck height.) SYSMGR: (into the phone) Operating System. Definitely the Operating System. (Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.) TSR: Can you describe the problem, please? (SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling) TSR: Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes... Line printers printing backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through the air... uh huh... disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming from the CPU board... I see... yes. Is that all? (pause as she finishes typing at the terminal) Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment, can I have them get back to you? (CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office. DEVELOPER is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.) (SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...) MANAGER: So tell me! What the hell happened?! DEVELOPER: (turning to face MANAGER) It's a glitch, a fluke. A one in a billion chance. And it's not Development's fault. Not really. MANAGER: Then who's fault is it? DEVELOPER: We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center. It seems that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AI routine was copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk. (He removes a CD from his jacket) This one, to be precise. MANAGER: And what's that? DEVELOPER: (reading the label) "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits". Normally, it wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn't used yet. But when they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine and the computer just sort of became a thing possessed. MANAGER: Wonderful. Were any other distributions affected? DEVELOPER: No, just Lawrence Tech's. MANAGER: Well, that's a relief. We've got to get them taken care of before anyone finds out. Can you imagine what Digital Review would do if they heard about this? DEVELOPER: We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group. MANAGER: No, we've already used that one. This calls for drastic action. (MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex) DEVELOPER: Who are you going to send? (CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards. The first card reads: SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Jankowski, x474 he flips to the next card: BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Candless, x937 he flips to the next card: REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle French, x365 he flips to the next card OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike West, x887 he flips to the next card and taps the card with forefinger: SYSTEM FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The VAXorcist, x666 (CUT to Machine Room. SYSMGR is standing by the console holding an RA60 disk cover and using it as a shield to defend himself from various pieces of hardware which are flying at him from off-camera. There is a knock at the door. Slowly, SYSMGR makes his way to the door and opens it. Standing there, backlit amidst outrageous amounts of fog is the VAXORCIST, wearing a trench coat and fedora, and carrying a briefcase.) VAXORCIST: (in a hushed voice) DEC sent me. I hear you're having some problems. (CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on the walls and clutter on the desk. As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes his coat and hat, revealing a very techie outfit beneath. He is wearing a DEC badge.) SYSMGR: (Frantic) Problems? Problems?!? You could say I'm having some problems. 4.6 was fine. 4.7 was fine. I install 5.0 and all Hell breaks loose. The damn thing ate two of my operators this morning! VAXORCIST: Calm down, everything will be alright. I've dealt with situations like this before. SYSMGR: You have? VAXORCIST: Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmer renamed his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the system directory. When the system was rebooted the next day it phasored the entire accounting department claiming that they were Klingon spies. There was a similar problem in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, there was the IRS fiasco that we're not allowed to talk about. But don't worry. These things can be fixed. Before I can help you, though, I have to ask you a few questions. (The VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes a clipboard) Now, according to the report, the strange occurences began after you installed VMS Version 5, is that correct? SYSMGR: Yes, that's correct. VAXORCIST: Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMS Version 5? SYSMGR: (confused) Installation Guide? VAXORCIST: Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes. SYSMGR: (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about on his disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath) VAXORCIST: (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes. They should have come with your documentation upgrade. SYSMGR: (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through the papers on his desk) Documentation upgrade? VAXORCIST: (angry) YES! The Documentation upgrade for your VMS Documentation Set! SYSMGR: Documentation S...? Oh, you mean the grey binders? They're over there. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST. The VAXORCIST turns and we see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders. A small red sign on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS"). VAXORCIST: Right. This is going to be tougher than I thought. Let's go take a look at your system and see just how bad everything is. (CUT to the Machine Room. The room is neat and tidy and there is no sign that anything is wrong. The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGR behind him.) VAXORCIST: Everything looks okay to me. SYSMGR: Maybe it's hibernating. VAXORCIST: Unlikely. It's probably trying to lure us into a false sense of security. SYSMGR: Sounds like VMS alright. (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look) VAXORCIST: I'm going to have to test it's power. This could get ugly, you may want to leave. (The SYSMGR shakes his head no. The VAXORCIST brings hiself up to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it) By the power of DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder) (CUT to door to the machine room. The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on which sits the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape) SYSMGR: Any other bright ideas? VAXORCIST: Just shut up and get this damn stuff off of me. (CUT to SYSMGRs office) VAXORCIST: (Writing on the clipboard) Things look pretty bad. I think we're going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here. SYSMGR: Is there anything I can do to help? VAXORCIST: As a matter of fact, there is. We've got to incapacitate the VAX to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal with it. Now, I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to be installed. (VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape) With that running, the CPU will be so bogged down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody. SYSMGR: (Examining the tape) What is it? A program to calculate pi to the last digit? VAXORCIST: Better than that. It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load. (CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room. The VAXORCIST approaches the door. As the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back. VAXORCIST: I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there. SYSMGR: What? You're going in there to face that thing alone? You're nuts! VAXORCIST: Hey, it's my job. (VAXORCIST turns to the door) SYSMGR: Wait a minute. (VAXORCIST stops and turns around) You better take this with you. (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty looking gun from the inside of his jacket) VAXORCIST: (Smiling) No, I won't need that. I've got something more powerful. (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it, and shows it to SYSMGR. CUT to closeup of the book which reads: "GUIDE TO VAX/VMS SYSTEM EXORCISM") (CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX. The VAXORCIST enters the room and stands in front of the VAX. CUT to view of the Machine Room showing the SYSMGR confronting the VAX) VAXORCIST: By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to show thyself. VAX: Bugger off. VAXORCIST: (Shaken) What? VAX: I said Bugger off! Now get out of here before I core-dump all over you! VAXORCIST: (Recovered) Threaten me not, oh Evil one! For I speak with the power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself! (A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and a fog begins to roll across the floor. The VAX cabinet doors slowly creak open to reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to be the creature's eyes) VAX: There. Happy? Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive on your private parts. VAXORCIST: (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning SHUTDOWN.COM in gregorian chant. The VAX screams.) VAX: Stop that! Stop that! You, you DOS LOVER! Your mother manages RSX systems in Hell! (The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.) VAX: Stop it! (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST, apparently from the VAX). Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath! (The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.) VAX: Mount me! Mount me! VAXORCIST: (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, I banish thee back to the null-space from which you came! (The VAX screams and the scream fades to silence.) (CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open. The VAXORCIST is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.) SYSMGR: So it's over? VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over. SYSMGR: (Shaking the VAXORCISTs hand) Thank God. Listen, thanks a lot. I don't know what we would have done without you. VAXORCIST: Hey, it's the least we could do. The Software Distribution Center should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch out that AI routine and prevent this from happening again. Sign here. (he hands SYSMGR the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back) Have a good one. (VAXORCIST leaves). (SYSMGR enters the machine room. Camera follows him in.) SYSMGR: (Calling to someone off-camera) Okay, you guys, let's get rolling. Get those backup tapes out. We've got a clean system again! (cheers are heard from off-camera. The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leaving only the VAX with it's cabinet doors still open in the picture. Slow zoom in to the LSI unit. Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing red glow) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 00:44:03 -0500 From: DEATH ANGEL Subject: Re: Bumpersticker # >A popular bumpersticker in Australia a few years ago, in an attempt to cover >all bases, was: > > "Land Rights For Gay Whales" Ah... but we Americans are the true masters of offending as many people as possible with a single statement. Take the popular variant of that phrase: "Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 02:30:50 EDT From: The Guru Subject: Re: Do You Remember Elephant Jokes? Thanks for reminding me, I'd just finally put the last one behind a mental block... :) Q: How is an elephant like a Volkswagen? A: They both have their trunks up front! Pachyderm Fahrvergnugen, -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bryan L. Cox Frostburg State University |Insert standard| c2mxcox@fre.fsu.umd.edu Frostburg, MD 21532 |disclaimer here| -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 08:56:00 EDT From: Tom Bromley Subject: Golf/priest joke -- rated G It was a beautiful spring Sunday morning in the parish and Father O'Malley decided to skip the morning Mass to play a round of golf. All the parishoners would be in church, no one would recognize him, so he let the assistant pastor say the Mass, and headed for the golf course. As he approached the first par 5 hole, St. Peter, watching from heaven, spotted him and immediately pointed out his discretion to the Lord. "Will you look at that, Lord! Father O'Malley's playing golf on a Sunday morning!" The Lord looked down and confirmed St. Peter's sighting, and said, "We'll just have to do something about this!" St. Peter, expecting the cleric to be struck down by lightning or some such punishment was astonished when the Lord waved his hand, and down below, Father O'Malley hit a beautiful tee shot, straight to the green, which rolled into the cup for a hole-in-one. He was even more shocked when the scene was repeated on the next two holes. "My Lord! You just let him shoot three consecutive holes-in-one! How is that going to punish him?" The Supreme Being replied with a smile, "Who's he going to tell?" *********************************************************** Thomas Bromley Internet: Library - Technical Services BROMLEY@ACC.FAU.EDU Florida Atlantic University Bitnet: Boca Raton, FL BROMLEY@FAUVAX ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 09:24:42 EST From: Peter Greenberg Subject: Computer Industry (Rated PG-13) A man, 92 years old, is told by his doctor that he has tested positive for HIV. Distraught and befuddled, he retires as usual to spend the afternoon at the park bench with other senior citizens. He tells his friend: "Can you believe it? I have HIV...at 92!" His friend replies, "You think you have troubles? I have IBM at 80!" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 09:33:44 EST From: Mike Long Subject: R rated White House Humor The President was out in the Rose Garden late one night jerking off. One of the Secret Servicemen saw him and snapped a quick picture. When the flash goes off the President is very embarrassed and says. "Hey, I'll give you $50,000 for that picture!" The Secret Service man says, "OK, and for that price I'll even through in the camera". The next day the President is sitting in the Oval Office with the Japanese Foriegn Trade Minister who notices the the camera sitting on his desk. The Minister says, "You have nice Japanese camera, How much you pay?" The President responds, "For that, Oh, Uhhhhmmm $50,000 dollars". To which the Japanese responds, "Ahhh, someone saw you coming!" MLONG@UCONNVM ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 08:55:59 CST From: "Terry D. Mathias" Subject: Bumpersticker sticker seen before the USA national elections last year: Picard/Riker '92 ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:00:15 -0400 From: "Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog." Subject: Human Brain Not Yet Obsolete -- Human Brain Not Yet Obsolete I have a spelling checker, It came with my PC; It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please too no, Its letter perfect in it's weight, My checker tolled me sew. --Arthur unknown ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:00:56 -0400 From: "Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog." Subject: Queen Berets (PG-13) PRESIDENT CLINTON'S " QUEEN BERETS" FALLING FAIRIES FROM THE SKY I BROKE A NAIL, OH I COULD CRY DON'T YOU LIKE HOW MY TUSHY SWAYS? WE ARE THE FAGS OF THE " QUEEN BERETS" BILL CLINTON'S WORDS UPON MY EARS " YOU GUYS HAVE RIGHTS, BE PROUD YOU'RE QUEER"! I ONCE WAS SCARED, BUT NOW I'M OKAY CAUSE I'M A FAG IN THE " QUEEN BERETS" PUT SILVER EARCLIPS ON MY NUTS, I LOVE THE PAIN, NOW SPANK MY BUTT! THE WAY YOU WALK IS AWFULLY CUTE. I SURE WOULD LIKE TO " PACK YOUR CHUTE" THIS ARMY STUFF IS AWFULLY SLICK! FREE MEALS, FREE CLOTHES, AND LOTS OF DICKS! WHEN I RETIRE, I'LL STILL GET PAID. I THANK YOU BILL, FROM THE " QUEEN BERETS"!!! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:00:41 -0400 From: "Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog." Subject: System Manager's Story (PG-13) Recently someone called me from one of the "Out on the Floor Offices", an ethereal place rumored to exist only in hyperspace, populated by mysterious beings called Users. She was quite frantic. She was having trouble running a program through the computer, and her message was clear enough, although rather ill-conceived: "MY FILES ARE FULL!" I furrowed my brow, lit a smoke, and explained to her, "Really now, Miss Russell, I don't have time for this." I slowly exhaled the menthol vapors as I stopped her process, crushing any hopes she may have had of ever again seeing that document she had spent three hours slaving over. "I was typing this REALLY important letter, and it HAS to be ready in an hour... there's all this stuff on my screen that I didn't type... it says something about an error, should I read it to you?" "No point. Just press return." "Oh my, it wants my username. Can I restart that where I left off?" "Not a chance." I drew another puff and tossed the phone aside. It occurred to me that if I had to hear one more of those whining complaint sessions, heads were going to roll. Where do you people GET this stuff? I'm going to tell you what's really going on here. Now LISTEN UP. I'm not going over this a second time: Computer The black box that does your work for you. That's all you need to know. Response Time Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months. The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response time. Hardware See "Computer." Again, not your concern. Software If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise, leave us alone. Network Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read it all. What do you think we do all day? By the way , Russell... shame about your mother's Pancreas. Data The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any, delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the computer. (See "Response Time") System Crash Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer is down. Don't call him to ask him when it will be up again. The more you bother him, the longer it takes. Downtime Like I said, don't ask Uptime Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face Overtime Don't be ridiculous. Vacation A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't try calling. There's no point. Computer Room Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door -- don't even think about it. I broke the phone last time one of you jerks called me, and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off the windows. My Office The name says it all... it's mine; stay out. Your Problems The name says it all... Deadlines The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're not my responsibility. Go tell someone who cares. Maintenance a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time. b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do. c) Anything I choose to call "maintenance" is maintenance. Software Upgrades Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm upgrading the system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if it does mean extensive downtime during peak hours. Electronic Mail I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to me. Defaults We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't mess with them; consider them mandatory. Error Messages I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep them to yourself. Killing your Process a) Don't ever ask why b) Beyond your control c) No warnings are given d) The highlight of my day e) If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions. Passwords I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be. (Example: jrussell: SNOTFACE) Users a) They slow down the computer b) They waste my time c) A general nuisance d) Worse than that, actually Software Modifications You don't know what you want -- we'll tell you what you want. It stays like it is. Period. Privileges I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said. Priority Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run faster than your lousy accounting package. (See "Response Time") Terminals Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this: a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks? b) Do you REALLY want your process killed? c) Did you just trip over the cord again? d) Of course you did. Disk Space I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check "Data Files". Operator I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually armed; always dangerous. Backups A good idea if I gave a shit, which of course I don't. Lunch The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of your process. Data Security That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure. Jiffy Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your process. Eternity Length of time it takes me to give a shit about any problem that can't be resolved by killing your process. Impossible a) It can't be done (as far as you know) b) I can't be bothered c) You're starting to annoy me Inevitable a) Couldn't have been avoided b) Not my fault (as far as you know) c) The result of annoying me Menus If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're working on it (See "Eternity"). Utilities I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides, they're not on your menu, are they. What did I tell you about that? Nuisance You. Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the above list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question, I'm telling you. Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself. If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask someone else Sincerely, The System Manager P.S. The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective yesterday. Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts (this means ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:02:10 GMT From: CLAUDIA E COLEMAN Subject: ZODIAC (R) ZODIAC SIGNS Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined towards progressiveness. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistake repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking JERK. Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think that you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and often pick their noses. Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered and impatient and scornful of advise. You are a PRICK. Taurus (Apr 21-May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a God damned COMMUNIST. Gemini (May 21-June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a CHEAP BASTARD. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest. Cancer (June 21-July 20) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and inevitably not worth a shit. Leo (July 21-Aug 20) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your ignorance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors. Virgo (Aug 21-Sept 20) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This knit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps. Libra (Sept 21-Oct 20) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent because most Libra women are whores. All Libra's usually get a venereal disease. Scorpio (Oct 21-Nov 20) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are MURDERED. Sagittarius (Nov 21-Dec 20) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot-heads. People laugh at you because you are always getting FUCKED. Capricorn (Dec 21-Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken-shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:11:00 EST From: BJ Haussler Subject: MALL MUSIC When a violinist showed up one afternoon, many people stopped and listened to the plaintive melodies he nursed from his instrument. One particularly lovely tune moved Mrs. Phelps to tears. Placing a twenty-dollar bill in the musician's open case, she said, "That was the most beautiful song I've ever heard." "Thank you. I wrote it for lmy dear, departed wife. Unfortunately, it never sold." "Really?" Mrs. Phelps said. "I'm surprised." "So was I, especially since everyone who heard it said it was the most romantic tune since the days of Chopin. But they insisted that I change the title." "Why, that's absurd!" she said. "I don't care what a song is called, it's the melody that matters." "I agree," replied the musician. Curious, Mrs. Phelps asked, "What is it called.?" "I Love You So Goddamn Much, My Darlin', I Could Shit.'" :) Beej ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 08:37:06 -0600 From: WERLING Subject: Re: Bumpersticker On Mon, 12 Apr 1993, VETTE wrote: > How about this one I saw on the road: > > "IMPEACH CLINTON" Maybe I'll make one up that says: "QUIT BITCHING" Andrew Werling awerling@nmsu.edu ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:57:31 -0400 From: Michael Gold Subject: Chicken joke This was on my far side calendar: There is a chicken about to cross a street and there is a bill board on the o other side which says: Cross the Street? You don't need a reason! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:13:51 CDT From: Leanne Subject: More elephant jokes This is my first attempt at posting on this list. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "Here come the elephants over the hill." What did he say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on? Nothing. He didn't recognize them. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 11:14:36 EST From: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center Subject: Presidents in Heaven (G) One day, much to the USA's elation, President Clinton, Former President Bush and Ross Perot all die. They somehow make it up to heaven and are personally greeted by God when they get there. As God meets the first recently-departed he asks who he is and Bush replies "My name is George Bush and I'm the former president of the United States!" God replies that He has heard of George Bush and will give him a place of honor -- sitting at his left. Next came Clinton and when asked for an introduction he said "I am Bill Clinton, the current president of the United States!" God remarked that it was indeed a prestigious position and as such he will be seated at his right in heaven. Of course next came Perot and when questioned simply said "My name is H. Ross Perot and I believe you're sitting in my seat!" Kathy O Marquette, Michigan ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 11:31:41 EST From: Mike Long Subject: Lifsaver? (PG-13) These two ethnics were in a restaurant eating dinner and all of a sudden a women at the next table starts choking on a bite of food. The two ethnics spring into action to save her. The first one pulls down his pants and kneels down on the floor. The second one puts his face up to his buddies bottom and sure enough, the women starts coughing and vomits, along with the rest of the patrons. The headwaiter is really grateful that these two men have saved the women but questions them on their unorthodox manner. He says, "I'm really glad you were able to save that women but WHAT was that you did on the floor there?" "Oh,that" says one of them, "Haven't you ever heard of the Hindlick Manouver?" MLONG@UCONNVM ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 11:42:00 EST From: Bill Martling Subject: USE YOUR CONDOMS!!! RATED "R+" 1) Before you D**K your favorite chick, put a condom on your prick. 2) Cover your stump before you hump. 3) Before you "attack" her, wrap your whacker! 4) Don't be silly, protect your willie! 5) Before you blast her, guard you bushmaster! 6) Don't be a loner!!!!!! Cover your boner! 7) When in doubt, shroud your spout! 8) You can't go wrong if you shield your dong! 9) If your not going to sack it, go home and wack it! 10) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey! 11) Before you bag her, sheath your dagger! 12) It'll be sweeter, if you cover your peter! 13) If you slip between the thighs, be sure to condomize! 14) To save embarrassment later, cover your alligator! 15) She won't get sick, if you cover your d--k! 16) If you go into heat, be sure to package your meat! 17) While undressing that venis, dress up that penis! 18) If you take off her pants' n blouse, suit up that trouser mouse! 19) Never Deck herwith an unwrapped pecker! 20) Especially in december, gift wrap your member! 21) Befo'davanstart rockin', be sho' yo' cock got'sa stockin'! 22) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool! 23) The right selection? Sack that erection! 24) Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil! 25) A crank with armor, will not harm her! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Martling Home - (407) 773-4970 School- (904) 738-6712 --The 2nd greatest experience known to man is flying-- ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 12:16:14 EDT From: Brian Clark Subject: Bumpersticker Bumpersticker spotted on an electric wheelchair: "If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 12:21:00 EST From: Bill Martling Subject: 45 REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX-BEDROOM GOLF "R" TOP 45 REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX 1. The pitter patter of little feet 2. Never let 'em see you sweat 3. Your parents might realize that you're not 12 years old anymore 4. Naked men 5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT 6. You might like it 7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas 8. Paying back oral sex debts 9. Only pagans procreate 10. Castration 11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love 12. Body hair 13. Too many lights on in the room 14. Your roommate and neighbors can't sleep with all that screaming 15. Axl Rose 16. Since that little Gulf War, there's no money left for research and treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases 17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album 18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law 19. Utah Abortion Law 20. Alabama Abortion Law 21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit 22. Yeast infections 23. Too sticky 24. Messes up your hair 25. Charley Horses 26. Bladder infections 27. Cher 28. "It's only a cold sore" 29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a public place, it's not private) 30. Hetero men who ask "Did you come yet?" 31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot 32. Taking off the jimmy-hat 33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by axe murderers in hockey masks 34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation 35. Smegma 36. You still live with your parents 37. You love her but you're not *in love* with her 38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body 39. Drooling 40. Letters to the Editor 41. Calling out the wrong name 42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you're a Kennedy) 43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00 44. No one to have sex with 45. Carpet burn The Rules of Bedroom Golf. ====== 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play-- normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a course is being played for the first time. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful under these circumstances. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13. Slow play is encouraged. Players, however, should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, upon the course owner's request. 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. 16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing several different courses. --The 2nd greatest experience known to man is flying-- ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:03:28 -0700 From: Joe Ortiz Subject: more elephant jokes Boy, these jokes are taking me back a few years! (1) Do you know why elephants paint their toenails different colors? To hide in M&M bags (2) Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of M&M's? They hide pretty well, don't they.... ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 13:00:01 -0400 From: "I am the man you doth not want to see..." Subject: Woman in Store -- R Here's one I like... A woman saunters into an all night adult sex shop. She walks up to the lone proprietor and stops. "Can I help you?" The man asks. "Yes," she says. "I want to buy a vibrator." The man wiggles his finger at the woman and says, "Come this way." "If I could come that way," she replies. "I wouldn't need the vibrator." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 13:15:45 EDT From: "Timothy P. Stammers" Subject: Re: more elephant jokes What's grey on the inside and clear on the outside? An elephant in a plastic baggie! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 13:37:17 EDT From: Yoda Subject: Re: Presidents in Heaven (G) On Tue, 13 Apr 1993 11:14:36 EST ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center sai>One day, much to the USA's elation, President Clinton, Former President >Bush and Ross Perot all die. They somehow make it up to heaven and are >personally greeted by God when they get there. As God meets the first >recently-departed he asks who he is and Bush replies "My name is George >Bush and I'm the former president of the United States!" God replies >that He has heard of George Bush and will give him a place of honor -- >sitting at his left. Next came Clinton and when asked for AND SO ON 'Heard the same joke, but (perhapsmore appropriately) Bush was asked to sit on the RIGHT, and Clinton on the LEFT. And the third party was HILARY, who demanded that God get out of HER chair!! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 14:34:35 EDT From: "Timothy P. Stammers" Subject: A riddle (R) What's grey and comes in quarts? An elephant!! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 11:35:00 MDT From: "Ronald K. Freund" Subject: Clinton joke I thought this was funny, in spite of the fact that I'm a Clinton supporter: It was so cold in Washington last week that Bill Clinton had to put his hand in his _own_ pocket! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 16:03:08 -0400 From: Itchy 'N' Scratchy Subject: Poet joke Q: What happened when Wordsworth got caught speeding? A: He got his poetic license suspended. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 15:55:16 -0400 From: Michael Clark Subject: Fried Rice The Japanese-American was a long time customer at a Greek restaurant because he had discovered that the proprietors made especially good fried rice. Each evening he would enter the restaurant and order "Flied lice". This always caused the Greek owner to nearly roll on the floor with laughter. Sometimes the owner would have two or three friends stand nearby just to hear the Japanese customer order his "Flied Lice". Eventually, the Japanese customer's pride was so hurt that he took a special diction class just to be able to order his "fried rice" without the humiliation. The next time he went into the restaurant he plainly ordered, "Fried rice, please." Unable to believe his ears, the greek restaurant owner asked him to repeat the order. The Japanese-American replied, "You heard what I said, you FLUCKIN GLEEK!" Michael Clark ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 20:58:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 442-9066" Subject: Re: Chicken joke Actually, a turtle joke... Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell Station. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 17:12:00 EST From: Sally Waters Subject: Dumb joke, rated G... Why did the man get fired from his job at the Tropicana factory? Couldn't concentrate... ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 17:39:35 EDT From: Michael Hollinger Subject: Re: more elephant jokes G How many elephants can you fit in a Volvo? Seven! Three in the back, two in front, one in the trunk, and one in the glove compartment! And then there was the one about the llamas.... Three llamas walked into a bar. THE FOURTH ONE DUCKED!!! ''' MCHOLL@TSRV1.TS.WM.EDU (o o) Michael Hollinger, esq. ---------------------------oOO--(_)--OOo---------------------------- And we'll have fun, fun, fun, til Daddy takes the keyboard away!!!!! * * ============ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 22:47:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 442-9066" Subject: leprechaun joke (PG-13) Man walks into a pub and puts a large suitcase down on the bar. Bartender walks over and says, "Oh, you're from out of town, are ya?" The man nods, then says, "And will ya take a look at this, huh?" He opens up the suitcase, and inside is sitting a little guy -- about a foot high -- in front of a miniature piano. When the man snaps his fingers, the little guy starts playing a pretty good rendition of Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue." "Why that's just amazin'!" the bartender exclaims. "Remarkable! Where in the world did ya find him?" "Well," says the man, "it's kind of a long story. I was out walkin' in the woods, and I tripped over a leprechaun. He was sleepin', ya know, and I woke him up. He was none too pleased, but he was obligated to grant me my wish anyhow." The bartender gestures at the little musician. "And ya wished for him?" "Not actually," says the man. "But I guess the leprechaun was a little hard of hearin'. He musta thought I said '...a 12-inch pianist.'" Shirley D. Kennedy Clearwater, FL kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 23:04:44 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Ruthless political humor The Cynic's Cabinet STATE - Jessie Jackson LABOR - Murphy Brown DEFENSE - Father Barrigan AGRICULTURE - Rush Limbaugh VETERANS AFFAIRS - Jane Fonda DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCY - Marion Barry ATTORNEY GENERAL - Ed Meese HOUSING & URBAN DEV. - Leonna Helmsley COMMERCE - Edwin Edwards TRANSPORTATION - Ted Kennedy TREASURY - Charles Keating EDUCATION - Dan Quayle INTERIOR - Jennifer Flowers ENERGY - Strom Thurman F B I - John Gotti C I A - Ross Perot NASA - Jerry Brown COUNCIL ON AGING - Dr. Jack Kovorkian NATIONAL COUNCIL FOR THE ARTS - Madonna JOINT CHIEF OF STAFF - Admiral Stockdale CHIEF OF PROTOCOL - Roseanne Barr HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES - Magic Johnson WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN - David Letterman UN AMBASSADOR - Amy Carter --- It is said that the first thing Bill Clinton did when he arrived in the White House was to phone up all the women who refused to go out with him in college, and ask: "... and what does your husband do for a living?" --- Bumper sticker: Impeach Hillary --- We elected Clinton for change, and that's about all I have left. --- Bumper sticker: Born free. Taxed to death. --- I'm unemployed. Afraid to steal and too proud to run for Congress --- Clinton and Gore: Count Taxula and Al Gore. --- Q: How many Attorney General candidates does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None -- they get their illegal workers to do it. --- You're a Republican, aren't you? Why yes, madam. How could you tell? All you do is complain. ========== ------------------------------