From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 May 1993 There are 12 messages totalling 571 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Re: Tasteless... (sick jokes - PG) 2. Worse than Tasteless... 3. black and white and ... 4. Koresh (150 lines): Funny if your hate FBI/Clinton 5. Letter to God -- Rated G 6. Re: Tasteless... (sick jokes - PG) 7. Doing the Job Alone...(G) 8. About as funny as a... [MILD] 9. Laundry Joke 10. Coursework for Men 11. Jokes not always funny. 12. A few tidbits. (slightly offensive) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 14:31:23 BST From: Mr Hugh Armour Subject: Re: Tasteless... (sick jokes - PG) Q: What's black & white & black & white & black & white and blue? A: A nun falling down stairs. In the same vein (sorry!): Q: What's black & white & red and can't walk through doors? A: A nun with a javelin throgh her head. Q: What's black & white and bounces? A: A rubber nun. Q: What goes plink plink fizz? A: Two babies in an acid bath. Q: What's green and goes red at the flick of a switch? A: A frog in a liquidiser. Hugh Armour Systems & Network Group University of Stirling ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 09:29:01 LCL From: Andy Mavrias Subject: Worse than Tasteless... What's black and white and red all over and has trouble going through revolving doors? A nun with a spear through her head. don't say I didn't warn you..... ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 10:19:59 -0500 From: Brad Pardee Subject: black and white and ... What's black and white and red all over? Pravda! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 12:52:22 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Koresh (150 lines): Funny if your hate FBI/Clinton The following dialogue is a Republican re-construction of "The WACO Religious Liberation Movement: How the FBI and the Democrats Undermind Religious Freedom and the Right to Own Guns" aka "The David Koresh Story" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer system no doubt is considered a federal offense. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- To: FBI Director William Sessions From: ATF Agent 2x3276 Sir: This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions? Agent 2x3276 To: ATF Agent 2x3276 From: FBI Director William Sessions Agent: Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should get the point across. The Director To: FBI Director William Sessions From: ATF Agent 2x3276 Sir: Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now. Any more suggestions? Agent 2x3276 To: ATF Agent 2x3276 From: FBI Director William Sessions Agent: Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by The Partridge Family. Still The Director To: FBI Director William Sessions From: ATF Agent 2x3276 Sir: They like the Partridge Family. Agent 2x3276 To: ATF Agent 2x3276 From: FBI Director William Sessions Agent: Sickos. STD To: FBI Director William Sessions From: ATF Agent 2x3276 Sir: We're getting bored out here. Can we go in now? Agent 2x3276 To: ATF Agent 2x3276 From: FBI Director William Sessions Agent: Not until we've wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters about Koresh's sexual abuse of young, baby frogs. The Director and Producer To: FBI Director William Sessions From: ATF Agent 2x3276 Sir: We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs. Agent 2x3276 To: ATF Agent 2x3276 From: FBI Director William Sessions Agent: Do you have a point? The Brilliant To: FBI Director William Sessions From: ATF Agent 2x3276 Sir: Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny. Agent 2x3276 To: ATF Agent 2x3276 From: FBI Director William Sessions Agent: What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Who's going to stand up for a cult leader who's abused baby frogs? Better than Brilliant To: FBI Director William Sessions From: ATF Agent 2x3276 Sir: We've had a tiny accident at the compound. Agent 2x3276 To: ATF Agent 2x3276 From: FBI Director William Sessions Agent: How tiny? Better than Brilliant, but slighty Worried To: FBI Director William Sessions From: ATF Agent 2x3276 Sir: It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir. Agent 2x3276 To: ATF Agent 2x3276 From: FBI Director William Sessions Agent: Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down their compound. Brilliant, Almost Godlike To: FBI Director William Sessions From: ATF Agent 2x3276 Sir: We haven't gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of a mass suicide. Pretty Good Agent 2x3276 To: ATF Agent 2x3276 From: FBI Director William Sessions Agent: Do you have a point? Try to remain more formal in your memos. The BAG Director To: FBI Director William Sessions From: ATF Agent 2x3276 Sir: No sir, thank you sir. Agent 2x3276 To: FBI Director William Sessions From: President Billy Bob Clinton Will: What the hell are you folks doing over there? Bill To: President William Clinton From: FBI Director William Sessions Sir: Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir. Director Sessions To: FBI Director William Sessions From: President Billy Bob Clinton Will: Oh. Okay. Mr. Bill To: Members of the Press From: President William Clinton Dear Members of the Press: The FBI has informed me of a tiny error they've made. I take full reponsibility. It wasn't my fault. The President Isn't it interesting that the above account mentions David Koresh's name only once and then only to mock the claim that Koresh had sexual relations with children. Rush Limbaugh would be proud. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 10:44:00 PDT From: TORRANCE Pat Subject: Letter to God -- Rated G Once not too long ago there was a wee young lad who didn't have a bicycle. That lack had caused him no end of grief since ALL of his friends did, and didn't want to walk where they could ride. The boy became frustrated by this and finally decided to ask his mom for one. "Mom, can I have a new bicycle?" "I'm sorry, Johnny, but we haven't the money." "But, Mooooooooom, I really neeeed a bicycle. All my friends have one and I don't!" "No, Johnny. That's final. Why don't you pray to God for one?" Not a bad idea, thought Johnny. So he went up to his room and knelt next to his bed and clasped his hands together tightly. "Please, God, I need a bicycle." When no bicycle appeared in a blinding flash of light, Johnny was more than a little miffed. He decided to write a letter instead. It's much harder to ignore a request in writing, he thought. So Johnny got up and went to his desk, pulled out paper and pencil and began to write, "Dear God, I really need a bicycle...." Naah, that's no good, he thought, and crumpled the paper into a little ball and threw it in the trash. "Dear God, If you give me a bicycle, I promise to be good for at least a week...." Naah. He crushed this one and sent it to follow its predecessor. As he sat, waiting for inspiration, he happened to glance out his bedroom door and see a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary in the hallway. As expected, inspiration struck. He rushed to the linen closet and grabbed a sheet, ran to the BVM, grabbed it and wrapped it in the sheet and ran back to his room and shoved it under his bed. He walked back to his desk and began to write, "Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again...." That's it. Let me know what you think... Pat Torrance ptorrance@shl.com ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 14:13:53 LCL From: Andy Mavrias Subject: Re: Tasteless... (sick jokes - PG) What's red and green all over? A frog in a blender What is it if you put it in a glass? Frog-Nog What happens if you drink it? You croak ******CLASSIC JOKE SEGMENT****** What's black and white and read all over? a newspaper. ******************************** SPORTS SEGMENT Paul Dipietro, of the Montreal Canadiens, after giving a stellar performance against the Quebec Nordiques in the final game of the series, was handed a puck by coach Jaques Demers and asked if he could pass it. DiPietro replied "I don't think I could even swallow it." **** It's monday, so sue me... L8r! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 14:38:00 -0500 From: MLEWKOWICZ@ITHACAOA.BITNET Subject: Doing the Job Alone...(G) This little bit, while humorous, is supposed to be completely true. Hope your day doesn't go as badly! _Trying To Do The Job Alone_ Dear Sirs: I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather that carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went down to the ground floor and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 500 pounds of brick. You will note in block number 11 of the accident form that I weigh 145 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind--and I let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope so it came back down on me and broke both my legs. I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident occurred. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 13:50:01 EST From: Scott Davis Subject: About as funny as a... [MILD] [fill in the blank] ...is about as funny as a: ...fart in a space suit. ...fart in a diving bell. ...fart in a two person sub. ...bubblegum machine on a lockjaw ward. ...cigarette machine on a cancer ward. ...one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. ...cat with diarrhea. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 17:23:07 EDT From: "John B. Harlow" <76520.3144@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: Laundry Joke A newlywed husband initiated sexual activiity with his bride every night by turning to her and asking if she "would like to do the laundry". One night after more than a year, she replies in the negative for the first time, pleading a headache. In the morning, feeling quite guilty over her failure to meet her husbands needs, she asks him if he "would like to do the laundry" to which he replies: "No thanks, it was a small load, I did it by hand" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 16:49:50 -0300 From: Amy Ward Subject: Coursework for Men > SEMINARS FOR MEN: > > Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men of all > marital status. Please note, the names of some of the courses have > been changed. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses > is mandatory. > > 1. Combating Stupidity > 2. You Can Do Housework Too > 3. PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut > 4. How to Fill an Ice Tray > 5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US > MONEY. > 6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at > 3am > 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my > Silks") > 8. Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception. > 9. How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong > 10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook. > 11. Spelling - Even you can get it right > 12. You - The Weaker Sex > 13. Reasons to give Flowers > 14. How to stay awake after sex > 15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the > Washroom > 16. Garbage - Getting it to the Curb. > 17. #101 - You Can Fall Asleep With Out It - If You Really Try > #102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower > 18. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please > 19. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not > A Bidet") > 20. Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S. > 21. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous > 22. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost > 23. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency > 24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex > 25. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes > 26. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works > 27. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children > 28. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver > 29. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home > 30. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary > 31. The Attainable Goal - Omitting ]@#$&$ >From Your Vocabulary > 32. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked > ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 18:35:19 EST From: Herman Archie Subject: Jokes not always funny. What has 1000 legs and can't walk? Jerry's kids. Do you think a blind man can see into the future. How many dead people are in a cemetary? All of them. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 16:25:00 MST From: James Hafen Subject: A few tidbits. (slightly offensive) Sorry if this has already been posted. I hope some of you will find this amusing... And if any of it offends I apologize now... :) -James ---------------- The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions in 1992. Tortoise Trophy British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule. Rubber Cusion John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his maemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together. Crimewatch Cup Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattoed on his forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man." Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax, but become so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "call me back" and left his phone number. Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side. British cup (My favourite) To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment. Flying cross To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately eaten by a cat. The 90 minute delay in finding his remains and handing his identification tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place. Lazarus Laurel To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock. Silver bullett To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock, and was killed instantly when it fell on him. ========== ------------------------------