From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 May 1993 There are 17 messages totalling 581 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Satire against Camel's Joe Smooth campaign 2. sick Koresh lymericks written by weird neighbor. 3. Kind-of-Bad 4. NEW WORKSHOPS FOR EMPLOYEES 5. 2nd attempt to post this 6. License Plates 7. license plate 8. F.I.B. license plate 9. Personalized Computer User IDs (like license plates) 10. IM26Y4U license plate 11. Pope and Jew joke (clean) 12. license plates 13. License plate 14. Humor 15. President Clinton 16. Humor from Music majors 17. Licence Plate ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 00:05:31 EDT From: Bill Edwards Subject: Satire against Camel's Joe Smooth campaign This is a repost from another list: Background: A "group" is going after the Camel Cigarettes Company because they say Camel's advertising logo cartoon "Joe Smooth" is enticing kids to smoke. Washington, DC Special Features UPI - tony j. podrasky (tonyp@convex.com) In what's being hailed as a blow against smoking reform and keeping cigarettes out of the hands of babes, MAMA (Mothers Against Most Anything) and DAMMIT (Dads Against Mad Mothers Involving Them) are livid over the court's decision to allow the Camel Cigarette Company to continue using its "Joe Smooth" character in the advertisements. Judges Ima Bought and Stew Ped ruled in favor of the cigarette company, saying that it was indeed within the prerogative of the first amendment "freedom of speech" for the company to use any logo it cared to. When asked by reporters how they felt about the decision, Ken Sur of TSAR (Tobacco Smokers Against Reform) replied that "we're pretty happy with the decision" and that "with this out of the way we can get on with the business of marketing our new product lines". The new product line is aimed at the "adults who think like the younger generation", and consists of "Masters of the Universe regulars", "Cabbage Patch menthol", "My Little Pony 100's", and "SMURF chewing tobacco". Another unique feature of the new product line is that now, instead of coming 20 to a pack, the cigarettes will be 2 to a box, include trading cards, and come with a "clorets" to get that nasty smell off your breath before you get home. Introductory pricing will be equivalent to the money tendered for 2 deposit bottles. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 13:22:00 IST From: "A. SOLOMON EAGLSTEIN" Subject: sick Koresh lymericks written by weird neighbor. Lymericks From Dave's Folly There was a young whacko from Waco Whom all agreed was a flako He was the object of blame When he went up in flame And turned into an outdoor bakeo There was a young culti named Dave Whom his flock found out was a knave He inflamed their ire When he set them afire And were led by ol' Dave to the grave In Waco a sick little clod Claimed he heard the voice of God In a twit of self-pity He burned up his city And completely blackened his bod There was a leader of a cult That was fried to the size of a nut But he managed to convey As he sizzled away That his prophecy was a bit in a rut ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 09:06:27 EST From: DARON MCNAB Subject: Kind-of-Bad What do you get when you have girl with an Aickey-Breaky-Heart and a Yeast infection? An Itchy-Twitchey-Twat ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 10:40:35 -0400 From: Sandi Graves Subject: NEW WORKSHOPS FOR EMPLOYEES I received this from a friend a few years ago. Sorry if it has already appeared. -SANDI ----------( Forwarded letter 1 follows )------------------------------------------------------------ Date: Tuesday, 30 March 1993 2:20pm ET To: s.graves From: s.graves Subject: new workshops for employees due to budget constraints, the long-respected employee development office has been disbanded. Our department, however, has decided to offer various workshops of special interest to our employees. Sign up sheets are posted in the lunch room. ** Self improvement ** i100 creative suffering i101 overcoming peace of mind i102 you and your birthmark i103 guilt without sex i104 the primal shrug i105 molding your child's behavior through guilt and fear i106 dealing with post-realization i107 whine your way to alienation i108 how to overcome self-doubt through pretense and ostentation ** business and career ** b110 "i made $1.98 In real estate" b111 money can make you rich b112 packaging and selling your child b113 the underachiever's guide to very small business opportunities b114 tax shelters for the homeless b115 looter's guide to american cities ** home economics ** e120 how to convert your family room into a garage e121 cultivating viruses in your refridgerator e122 sinus drainage at home e123 basic kitchen taxidermy e124 1001 other ways to use your vacuum cleaner e125 the repair and maintenance of your virginity ** health and fitness ** h130 creative tooth decay h131 the joys of hypochondria h132 high fiber sex h133 suicide and your health h134 biofeedback and how to stop it h135 skate yourself to regularity h136 tap dance your way to social ridicule ** crafts ** c140 baskets and basket cases c142 gifts for the senile c143 psychoceramics c144 how to make nothing from practically something c145 how to make weapons from home and office supplies c146 bonsai your pet c147 needlecraft for junkies ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 13:17:00 -0500 From: Eric Schmidt Subject: 2nd attempt to post this Anybody seen any memorable ones? Share them with the rest of us... Seen on a Saab 900 : KMOSAAB...As in the Lone Ranger. Seen on a Porche 944 : YIBUY4N...Good reason. Seen on a BMW 525i : RNUNVUS...Envious? Me? Never! Seen on a 300ZX : ROC DOC...The driver is a known Geologist. For all you Earth Science buffs out there: Slogan on a license plate rim on the back of a Nissan Pathfinder: "Reunite Gondwanaland!" All these clever slogans and plates right here in good ol' Knoxville. AAAAAAmazing ain't it? If I don't see y'all here, I'll see ya, hear. E. Schmidt Schmidt@Utklib.lib.utk.edu --Boundary (ID HZLZIC2C+YgwUS3AIz4nOA)-- ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 13:54:02 CST From: "Terry D. Mathias" Subject: License Plates 2BMD1DAY - a future doctor LTIG 8 - an attorney 2BRNT2B - a professor of Elizabethean drama BCNU HOT TRAX - a radio station "personality" DO CUTS - a barber-beautician (female) MD2B - like the first one These are all real and were seen in Illinois. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 15:00:12 +22311259 From: "Frank B. Brooks" Subject: license plate Here's a plate recently seen in Florida: C O JONES (hint: ya gotta know Spanish to read it.) fbrooks@garnet.acns.fsu.edu ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 14:23:39 -0500 From: Shawn T Poulter-1 Subject: F.I.B. license plate I saw this one in Wisconsin last year. 3M TA3 Hint: Read backwards, as if seen in a rearview mirror. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 14:50:52 CST From: "Terry D. Mathias" Subject: Personalized Computer User IDs (like license plates) RADAR - (firstname) Range HONEYDEW - (firstname) Mellon HOLYCOW - a Chicago baseball fan GOCUBS - ditto GOBULLS - a Chicago basketball fan YAMIHERE - a philosophy student CHEROKEE - an aviation student Honest, these are all real! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 14:15:38 PST From: John Wical Subject: IM26Y4U license plate Seen in Southern California: IM26Y4U John ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 16:33:48 EST From: Nancy Watkins Subject: Pope and Jew joke (clean) This was sent to me by my son-in-law after I had forwarded to him a couple of the Pope/Rabbi jokes from this list. ------- Forwarded Message Follows ------- About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Vatican City. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle- aged man named Moshe to represent them. Moshe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed 3 fingers. Moshe looked back at him and raised 1 finger. The Pope waved his finger in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moshe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moshe, "First he said to me that the Jews have 3 days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know what we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moshe, "He took out his lunch and I took out mine." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 15:09:36 -0700 From: Leslie Harding Subject: license plates 2HOT4U -- little red sports convertible 4 PLAY -- 4 X 4 mini truck with oversize tires 10SNE1 -- a tennis enthusiast IMB4U -- someone that likes to point out the obvious ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 18:14:41 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State Subject: License plate Seen near G, TN, on a Corvette driven by a young female (undoubtedly a student at Tenn. Tech.): IOU DAD +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Lester J. Pourciau Bitnet: Pourciau@MEMSTVX1 Director of Libraries Internet: Pourciau@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU Memphis State University Voice: 901-678-2201 Memphis TN 38152 U.S.A. Fax: 901-678-2511 +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Quality is never an accident. It is always the result of careful planning, attention to detail, and hard work. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 19:33:10 EST From: Herman Archie Subject: Humor Q: When is a hinge needeed and loving? A: When it's something to adore. (door) Q: What is the best paper for making kites? A: Fly paper. Q: What's put on the table, cut, but never eaten? A: A pack of playing cards. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 19:56:50 EST From: Dani Mudge Subject: President Clinton President Clinton was on his usuall jog for the day when he saw a ;little boy who had several puppies with him , the President asked him what their names where , the little boy said their names are DEMOCRATICS , the Pres. said oh what great namews for the puppies . So the next day president Clinton went joggi jogging with his duaghter Chelse so that she coulkd see the puppies and when they camr>[De up to the ;>[Dlittle boy C the president told him to tell Chelse the puppies names; and the little boy replied thier names are REPUBLICANS ; . THen the prs>[Desident said " you told me yesterday that thier were DEMOCRATICS ", and the little said yeah that was yesterday when their eyers were closed , but today theire>[D opened. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 22:06:37 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Humor from Music majors MUSICIAN JOKES -- In Score Order Q. How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison? A. Shoot one. Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two flutes in unison. Q. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? A. Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe. Q. Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants? A. Both give you a warm feeling, but nobody else cares. Q. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bassoon recital. Q. Why do clarinettists leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in the handicapped zones. Q. What's the definition of a nerd? A. Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A. You can tune a lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors will be upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it. Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? A. A man who brings a soprano sax to a gig and refuses to play it. Q. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. One to do it, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it. Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for direc- tions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A. The out-of-tune tenor sax player. Meeting the other two means you're hallucinating. Q. What's the difference between a chainsaw and a bari sax? A. Vibrato. Q. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it. Q. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? A. Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes. Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. Skid marks in front of the snake. Q. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session. Q. What's the range of a tuba? A. About twenty yards if you've got a good arm. Q. What's a tuba for? A. About 1 1/2" by 3 1/2". Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A. A drummer. Q. Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses? A. So they don't disgrace themselves in parades. Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. They have machines that do that now. Q. What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig? A. "Would you like some fries with that, sir?" Q. What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool. Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A harpist tuning unison strings. Q. Why are a violinist's fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same place twice. Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A. The bow is moving. Q. Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A. They are both offensive and inaccurate. Q. What do violinists use for birth control? A. Their personalities. Q. How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A. Sit in the back and don't play. Q. How do you know if a viola section is at your door? A. No one knows when to come in. Q. What's the difference between a violist and a dog? A. The dog knows when to stop scratching. Q. Why are violins smaller than violas? A. They're not. Violinists' heads are just bigger. Q. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? A. The coffin has the corpse inside. Q. Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes? A. So you don't have to retrain the cellists. Q. Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A. The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one. Q. How can you tell if a bass player is really bad? A. Even the section notices. Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. The piano player can do that with his left hand. Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb? A. She just holds it in the socket and the world revolves around her. Q. What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? A. You can negotiate with the PLO. Q. What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto? A. The dressmaker tucks up the frills. Q. If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end... A. It would be a good idea. Q. What do you call half a dozen dead basses? A. Deep six. Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? A. The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole's in back. Q. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first? A. Who cares? Q. If you needed a heart transplant, why would you want one from a conductor? A. Because it's had so little use. Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. To get away from the noise. Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer? A. Give him a sheet of music. Q. Why is an electric guitar like a vacuum cleaner? A. When you plug it in, it sucks. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 22:57:00 LCL From: Richard Hallett Subject: Licence Plate A neighbor has the plate ICU4DK. Guess his occupation. ========== ------------------------------