From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 May 1993 There are 14 messages totalling 670 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. NEW VIRUS LIST! CHECK YOUR ENVIRONMENT! (offensive- only mildly) 2. Classic Fable about being happy 3. 12 days of Christmas (with an original twist) 4. dangerfield jokes 5. Ultimate revenge (adult theme 6. St. Peter Story - PG 7. Rednecks 8. Silly but not offensive 9. license plates 10. Misery is...(pg) 11. Danny goes to Heaven... 12. Branch Davidians 13. More Branch Davidians... 14. JOKING IN THE '90 's. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 00:03:03 MDT From: Petr Novotny Subject: NEW VIRUS LIST! CHECK YOUR ENVIRONMENT! (offensive- only mildly) This thing I've seen from a guy from MIT. Enjoy! PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS 2: Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identifiy because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It! SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test.... no new files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congress Virus. CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense." CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 00:43:14 EDT From: Bill Edwards Subject: Classic Fable about being happy IF YOU'RE UNHAPPY Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold he changed his mind, and reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to the earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. Ol' Tom cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. There are three morals to this story: 1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend. 3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA (uga.cc.uga.edu) ============= Normal commands should be sent to LISTSERV@UGA.BITNET (alternative addressing: uga.cc.uga.edu) or to request special assistance mail to the listowner. Contributions of Humor should be sent to HUMOR@UGA.BITNET. To control your mail send the LISTSERV@UGA.BITNET the command SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname if you want to subscribe, SET HUMOR DIGEST if you only want to receive mail once a day, SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you need a temporary timeout or if you prefer to access HUMOR by downloading archived files, or SIGNOFF HUMOR to leave the list. HUMOR is archived in 3000 line files; to get the log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR to LISTSERV@UGA.BITNET. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 08:49:58 -0300 From: Amy Ward Subject: 12 days of Christmas (with an original twist) December 14th Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes -------------------------------------- December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ------------------ December 16th Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love Agnes --------- December 17th Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes --------------------- December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ------------------ December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes ---------------- December 20th John: What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes ---------------- December 21st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS. Ag ---------------- December 22nd Hey Shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screeh. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petetion to evict me. You'll get yours. >From Ag ---------------- December 23rd You Rotten Prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it, Ag -------------------- December 24th Listen Fuckhead: What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister -------------------------------------- December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar) Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. ------------------------------------------------------------------ 07  ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 10:30:33 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: dangerfield jokes "When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.'" "My mother had morning sickness after I was born." "My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend." "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet." "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up." "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 11:15:10 EDT From: Marty Subject: Ultimate revenge (adult theme One day a man returned home early from his golf game to find a strange car in his driveway. When he entered the house, he discovered his wife in bed with another fellow! Outraged, the man grabbed the stranger, got him in a headlock and dragged him out to the garage. Inside the garage, the man stuck the stranger's "manhood" in a vice and squeezed the vice tight! "OH!!! YOU'RE NOT GONNA CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!!!" the stranger screamed. "No, YOU are," the man replied, "I'M gonna set the GARAGE on fire." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 13:23:27 EDT From: "John B. Harlow" <76520.3144@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: St. Peter Story - PG A man comes home suddenly from work and finds his wife in her negligee and smells cigar smoke in his apartment. Suspecting infidelity he looks out the window to see a man smoking a cigar exiting the building 10 floors below, flies into a rage and picks up the refrigerator and hurls it out the window. The first to approach St. Peter is the irate husband who explains that he "had a heart attack as a result of his wife's infideility" and is granted entrance to heaven. The second explains that he "had stopped at home on his way from the office to a board meeting and the next thing he knew a refrigerator came flying out of a tenth floor window and landed on his head" and is granted entrance. The third gentleman explains that he "doesn't know what happened, he was just sitting in his girlfriend's regrigerator smoking a cigar..." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 12:40:40 CDT From: spencer cole Subject: Rednecks Why does a redneck's eyes turn red when he's having sex? From the Mace. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 14:11:00 EDT From: Charles Castelli Subject: Silly but not offensive What did the man say after he ate the six-cylinder engine? [*slap on forehead*] I coulda' had a V-8! Did you hear the World War III joke? Knock, knock. Who's there? ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 11:24:00 PST From: Tim Irwin Subject: license plates Seen in Washington state NOPCME --urologist? near Pacific Lutheran University THX DAD IOU MOM 2SING4U ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 14:35:28 EST From: DEBBIE NELSON Subject: Misery is...(pg) Misery is... explaining the birds and bees to your young son and then overhearing him tell the little girl next door, "guess what, you're going to have a bee..." not having any money when the representative comes to your house selling Mafia cookies. laughing at your husband because he can't get into his old army uniform and then you can't get into your old maternity dress. going on your honeymoon and having the motel employees toss a "welcome back" party for your bride. going to a temperance meeting and your breath sets off the sprinkler system. wearing a topless bathing suit and having a man walk up to you and say: "nice day today, sir." a girl asking if she can come up to your place and you still live with your mother. sneaking in your house at four in the morning and finding your wife sneaking out. bursting in on your wife in the arms of the milkman...when you owe money to the cleaner. finding out your daughter's screen test has just been sold as an Army training film. getting an acting role in "Peyton Place" and discovering it's the part of a bedridden missionary. putting on your underarm deodorant and it turns out to be your dog's flea and tick spray. going to a formal affair and having a mothball fall out of your pants. climbing your daughter's jungle gym and having to call the fire department to help you down. buying a sports car and discovering that your bucket is bigger than the seat bucket. a girl asking you to accompany her to Niagara Falls for a big thrill and then discovering she means going over it in a barrel. an undertaker trying to look sad at a $5000 funeral. going on your honeymoon and seeing your bride kneel beside the bed and say, "now I lay me down to sleep." going to a topless bar the same day you had your eyes dilated. cooking an exotic French dish for five hours and then having your husband put catsup on it. being served with a paternity suit during your first speech as president of the Planned Parenthood Association. your secretary saying LBJ is on the telephone and then finding out its the subscription department of the Louisiana Breeder's Journal. your waist measurement keeping even with your age. a mother-in-law who tries to commit suicide but fails...and runs up a big gas bill. kissing your wife good night and having her put your lip up in a hair curler. finding that your daughter is engaged to a man of the cloth and he turns out to be the Imperial Eagle of the KKK. going out with a sweater girl and discovering she's more sweater than girl. a sexy girl dropping her handkerchief and when you bend over to pick it up your toupee falls off. complimenting your boss's wife on her patterned stockings and finding out she's not wearing stockings. going to a costume ball as a bubble dancer and finding out your date is going as a porcupine. having your handsome boss ask you to work late at the office ... then finding out he wants you to work late at the office. finding out your wife received 312 valentines from the Tijuana Cab Drivers Association. when you ask your doctor if he can cure you and he asks to be paid in advance. chasing your secretary, then catching her and being too winded to do anything about it. learning the pitter patter of little feet around the house is because your wife is seeing a midget. finding out your daughter's boyfriend just bought an amplifier for his guitar. going to work and discovering you're wearing your seven-year-old son's jockey shorts. discovering your deodorant is giving you bad breath. going up to the attic and reading your spouse's love letters and seeing that they're all dated last week. showing off in your new Cadillac and crashing into a Volkswagon driven by your IRS agent. having your wife hurt in a hunting accident because she looks so much like a moose. being invited to an American Legion stag film and finding out it's the story of Bambi's father. your beautiful blonde neighbor coming over to visit with a bottle of booze ten minutes after you've taken two sleeping pills. wearing a peek-a-boo dress to a party and getting more boos than peeks. spending weeks on a diet so you can look good in a bathing suit, going for a swim, and having the lifeguard shout, "whale, ho". having your wife scream so loud that she wants to live in a more expensive apartment that your landlord comes up and raises the rent. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 15:12:00 -0500 From: Eric Schmidt Subject: Danny goes to Heaven... Now dear friends, when we die and appear before the Pearly Gates, we must pass a final test to gain passage to Eternity. This always has been, and always will be the case. In '55, when Albert Einstein died, he arrived at the Pearly Gates only to be asked to prove to Saint Peter that he was, in fact, Albert Einstein. Dr. Einstein goes into a long and involved discussion about physics and relativity. Suddenly a voice cried out, "Welcome Dr. Einstein. Come right in". In '68, when Martin Luther King was killed, he arrived at the Gates. Saint Peter looked at him and asked him to prove that he was, in fact, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Dr. King proceded to deliver a speech on civil rights that was moving and convincing. Suddenly a voice cried "Welcome Dr. King. Come right in." Then, in a tragic car accident, Dan Quayle was killed. When he arrived at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter said, "You must now prove you are who you say you are". Quayle gets real indignant and says, "Whtta ya mean I gotta prove who I am...I'm Dan Quayle, former Vice President of the United States!" Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry, but those are the rules. Even people like Albert Einstein and Martin Luther King had to do this." Quayle cocks his head to the side and says, "Albert Einstien and Martin Luther King? Who are they?". Suddenly a voice said, "Welcome Mr. Vice President. Come right in." Just think, for four years that man was 9mm from the Oval Office. E. Schmidt Schmidt@Utklib.lib.utk.edu ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 16:55:29 EDT From: Karsten Davis Subject: Branch Davidians Q. How many Branch Davidians can fit into a Cadillac? A. Three in the front seat, three in the back seat, and 44 in the ashtray. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 16:49:27 CDT From: bkr@BEEKER.PPCO.COM Subject: More Branch Davidians... Q: How do you pick up a Branch Dividian Woman? A: With a dustbuster Q: Did you hear who quit smoking last week? A: David Koresh Q: Did you hear Jeffery Domer escaped? A: He was last seen heading to Waco with a bottle of Bar-B-Q sauce. Totally unrelated.... Q: Did you here there is a new Rodney King hotline? A: 1-800-421-#### BK Rogers Phillips Petroleum Company (918) 661-1986 Bartlesville, OK 74004 Internet bkr@ppco.com Compuserv 75140,2366 Another fine product from Gizmonic.... ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 20:37:42 EST From: Herman Archie Subject: JOKING IN THE '90 's. What is the difference between an alcoholic & a drunk? An alcoholic has to go to those damn meetings. What is the difference between a cat and a frog? The cat has only 9 lives; a frog croaks every minute. ========== ------------------------------