From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Jun 1993 There are 55 messages totalling 2277 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. RUMCAKE RECIPE (RATED G) 2. dirty joke!! 3. cute t-shirt 4. rated G jokes 5. Some T-Shirts 6. Top 10 Reasons Ted Kennedy Keeps Getting Re-elected (fwd) 7. JOKE-R For Language 8. Another workplace motto (fwd) 9. Political Correctness 10. Love, marriage, family (clean) 11. Political Correctness 12. Life 1.E A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big 13. postage humor (G) 14. No subject given 15. STAR DREK (Star Trek Parody - PG-13/R)(Lengthy) 16. Tony Bennett, where are you? 17. Dangerfield humor 18. Questions 19. Mail Humor (G) 20. JOKES 21. politics & horses... 22. Nude bible program pulled of the air (fwd) 23. politics(supposed to be "horses" earlier... 24. Sick--R-rated 25. one line 26. Humor in zoology class (x-rated); Penile humor 27. CondDundrums 28. non crude sexual content 29. rated g jokes 30. An amusing poem 31. PG-13 32. Star Trek joke 33. PG-13 Religion and silly sickness 34. Life 1.F A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big 35. Dangerfield humor 36. GABOR 37. A TV in everyroom.(pg-13) 38. IN MEMORY of JFK. 39. Thanks for not smoking! 40. Hilary 41. Academic pay dispute 42. GNU HISSED TREE" (PG-13) 43. Divorce joke - Sexual content 44. Texan/Israeli joke (innocuous) 45. Re: Life 1.F A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big 46. The DEVIL's dictionary 47. No Smoking Sign 48. Joke (fwd) 49. HUMOR has 800+ SUBers 50. Mathematician joke 51. The DEVIL's dictionary 52. Ethnic jokes 53. New political bumpersticker 54. Golf Jokes.. 55. WHAT TO DO TO FAIL A TEST--LONG BUT FUNNY! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 08:28:39 CST From: "Cindy K. Bannister" Subject: RUMCAKE RECIPE (RATED G) THIS WAS SENT IN BY MY COWORKER, JENNA THOMAS: ----- Forwarded message begins here ----- So many people have expressed an interest in seeing the Rumcake Recipe *hic* that I errrr aahhhh Decided! <*thats* the wrod> to put it on paper.... Many thanks to the people who sent me copies. It was a veryrrryyyrry good *hic* recccccpie ahhhhh ya know what I mean *hic* Now where did I put that pen?.... I know its shumwhare. ----------------------------------------------------------------- *Best ever Rum cake* 1 teaspoon sugar 2 bottles rum 1 cup dried mixed fruit 2 cups brown sugar 1 teaspoon soda 1 cup butter 2 large eggs 1/2 cup baking powder 1 ounce lemon juice 1/2 pound mixed nuts Before starting, sample the rum to check quality. It should be smooth and not at all harsh to the palate. Then proceed. Select large mixing bowl. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure rum is still OK right. Try another cup. Open second bottle, if necessary. Add eggs, 2 cubs fried druit and beat tll high. If druit gets stuck in beeters, pry loose with drewscriber. Sample rum again. Next sift 3 cups pepper or salt, really doesn't matter. Sample rum. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a bablespoon of brown thugar or whatever color you can find. Wix mel. Greese oven. Turn cake pan to 350 degrees. Pour mess into boven and ake. Check rum and go to bed. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 14:30:52 MET-1 From: Attila Farago Subject: dirty joke!! Q: How to make a nun to be pregnant? A: Fuck her!! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 09:52:04 EDT From: Marty Subject: cute t-shirt Here's one I saw on a t-shirt recently: (Picture a frazzled-looking woman, staring dejectedly at a scrumptious piece of cake) "Stressed??! Honey, I KNOW stressed. It's "desserts" spelled backwards." Marty ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 10:01:40 EST From: Dani Mudge Subject: rated G jokes G. When will water stop running downhill?? A. When it reaches the bottom. Q. What animal keeps the best time ?? A. A watchdog. ------------------------------------------------------------------ END ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 09:09:00 PDT From: "Briggs, Vickie" Subject: Some T-Shirts A man is like a blizzard, you never know how long it is going to last or how many inches you are going to get. Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have, the less shit you gotta eat. So many men... so little time Please don't remove this t-shirt, it is holding up my boobs I'm with stupid Stupid My friend went to Las Vegas and all they brought me back was this lousy t-shirt Property of Alcatraz...unlisted number This space for rent. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 13:31:00 -0300 From: Amy Ward Subject: Top 10 Reasons Ted Kennedy Keeps Getting Re-elected (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- TOP TEN REASONS TED KENNEDY KEEPS GETTING REELECTED 10. It gets him out of the state 9. Yearly Al-anon voter registration drive 8. Nothing rhymes with "Chapaquidic" for witty opposition posters. 7. His struggle for truth, justice, and the american way. 6. Fame gained in first runner-up finish in Star-Search spokes model comp. 5. It's it, and that's that. 4. Voters told "Ted" is short for Jack. 3. Who else can bring in the fabulous babes? 2. Adds comic relief to the ethics committee. 1. He's squeezably soft. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 13:22:23 -0600 From: Jill Harlow Subject: JOKE-R For Language A guy walks into a grocery store and asks the clerk, "Can I have a packet of broccoli please?" "I'm sorry sir, we're fresh out of broccoli," replies the clerk. The customer leaves and comes back 20 minutes later and asks the same thing. The clerk is polite and simply repeats what he said earlier. The customer again leaves and comes back 20 minutes later still asking for broccoli. The grocery clerk is getting pretty pissed and says "Look, I've already told you twice. We have no broccoli left!" The guy leaves but in 10 minutes he's back. The grocer says "OK, spell cat as in Catastrope." The guy spells "C-A-T" The grocer says "Spell dog as in dogmatic." The guy does. The grocer says "Spell fuck as in broccoli." The customer just looks at him and says "There's no fuck in broccoli." The grocer smiles and says "That's exactly what I've been telling you for the past hour." ======== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:01:48 -0300 From: Amy Ward Subject: Another workplace motto (fwd) THE END OF THE DAY All deadlines met; All bosses pleased; All important decisions made; Temperature set at 0 deg C in hell. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 15:49:33 -0500 From: Scott Guthery Subject: Political Correctness I'm not politically incorrect ... please ... I'm euphemistically challenged. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:53:50 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Love, marriage, family (clean) Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. One thing you can say for most of those TV families: They're stupid enough to sit around watching TV all night. (And the characters that do watch TV are the stupid characters). What's a rich wife's favorite thing to make for dinner? Reservations. Never fall in love with a tennis player. To him "love" means "nothing." Everybody has to get married sometime--you can't go through life just being happy. A guy is never happy until a girl comes along and makes him miserable. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:18:21 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State Subject: Political Correctness I'm vertically, calorically, and aesthetically challenged. Put differently, I'm short, fat, and ugly and my name isn't even Dangerfield! ======== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 15:57:11 PDT From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 1.E A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big ****************************************************************** ************* Quotes from Will Rogers: Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two things we have. Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much. There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people. Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes. If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in of we didn't have to pay the fiddler. ----- >From an article in Reader's Digest (date unknown) RD acknowledgment: condensed from "The Best of Will Rogers", compiled by Bryan B. Sterling ****************************************************************** ************* "Manners everywhere require understanding something about the host nation's customs. When in doubt, the safest rule is to follow your host's lead. But sometimes following the host's lead can get you in trouble. "President Grover Cleveland, presiding over a formal dinner party, once added sugar and cream to his coffee, stirred it, and then poured it into his saucer. Anxious to please, his guests followed suit but were at a loss when the president leaned down and put the saucer on the floor for his dog. Sometimes, however, an extremely gracious host or hostess will go out of the way to make sure a guest is not embarrassed by a breach of etiquette. Queen Victoria once downed the contents of her finger bowl because she didn't want to embarrass the Shah of Persia, who had done so first." ---Harvard Business Review, ppg. 47-48, in a review of two recent books on the subject of manners in business. ****************************************************************** ************* R U S H J O B S C A L E N D A R ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | M I R | F R I | F R I | F R I | T H U | W E D | T U E | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 15 | 14 | 13 | 12 | 11 | 10 | 9 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 22 | 21 | 20 | 19 | 18 | 17 | 16 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 29 | 28 | 27 | 26 | 25 | 24 | 23 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 36 | 35 | 34 | 33 | 32 | 31 | 30 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Notes: 1. This is a special calendar which has been developed for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday, consequently all dates run backwards - with this calendar, a client can order their work on the 7th and have it delivered on the 3rd. 2. Everyone wants his job done by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week. 3. There are five new days at the end of the month for those "end-of-the-month" rush jobs. 4. There is no 1st of the month - so there can not be late delivery of "end-of-the-month" rush jobs. 5. No one likes Mondays, so these have been eliminated. 6. There are no Saturdays or Sundays, so overtime rates can be kept to a minimum. 7. There is a special day each week, Mirday, for the performance of miracles. ****************************************************************** ************* < The electronic funds transfer is in the electronic mail. . . . > All supervision: It has been observed that many project personnel have been dying on company premisis for no apparent reason. Furthermore, some personnel are refusing to fall over after they are dead. This, in some cases, has resulted in unauthorized overtime charges. Effective *immediately*, this practice must be discontinued. As of September 12, 1986, each supervisor must check with each member of his or her group daily. If the person is found sitting up after he or she has died, he or she will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation, as per Regulation 110, Section D of the GEIs (Non-Productive Labor). When it can be proved that the employee is being held up by a desk, telephone, terminal, personal computer, or any other visible means of support, which is the property of the company, a ninety day grace period will be granted. In this case, the following procedures will be strictly adhered to. If, after several hours, it is noted that the employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, a Department Head or Division Manager will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature of some employees and the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly, to avoid waking the employee if he or she is asleep (which is permitted under existing work loads.) If some doubt exists as to the true condition of the employee, the appropriate Director will be notified and a paycheck presented as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note: in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spasmodic clutching reflex may occur. Do *not* be misled by this manifestation! In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever they appear to be doing at coffee time, no investigation is necessary, as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in. ****************************************************************** ************* Subject: Managers vs. Leaders "A manager does the thing right. A leader does the right thing." -- Anonymous (the great Greek philosopher) ****************************************************************** ************* A British customs agent tells the story of an arriving traveler came up to his counter one day and the agent asked him, "How long do you plan to stay in the United Kingdom?" "Three days", he replied. "And what will be doing here?", the agent continued. The man said, "I want to overthrow the government." The customs agent said, "Oh, you'll need at least a week for that!", gave him a one week visa and let him in. ****************************************************************** ************* Found in Rank Xerox's 1985 book 'Networking in Organisations'...... "One day, three businessmen found themselves deep in the jungle, the only survivors of a plane crash. The cannibals surrounding them granted them each one last request before turning them into 'steak au poivre'. The first businessman, a Frenchman, and hence a keen student of flora and fauna, desired to look upon the most beautiful woman in the tribe. His request was granted. The second, a Japanese, and an earnest individual, declared his wish to give one last address on the subject of Japanese business methods, whereupon the third, an American, pleaded in an agonised voice for the tribe to eat him first. He could not stand yet another lecture on Japan!" ****************************************************************** ************* After Mohammid Ali was done with his boxing career he went into business. For awhile he was setting up business deals where because of who he was he could get people together. Eventually he joined a company which was being investigated by the Federal government in the area of their purchases. Mohammid took over the purchasing department and started cleaning things up. The investigation stopped for now the company had good Ali buys. ****************************************************************** ************* From today's Wall Street Journal-- "Liggett & Meyers Tobacco Co. warned its employees in a newsletter that they're working with a potentially hazardous substance--sugar. Large quantities have been known to explode, the company says." ****************************************************************** ************* In case you're considering a personalized license plate, the Auto Club keeps a list of all personalized plates in California (the list we looked at was dated June 86). At the office where we went, you could reserve and apply for the plate of your choice on the spot. Trivia: there are roughly 1.4 million plates in the list. that's why you see plates like "NANCY29" on the road. over 2,000 of them start with "ski." there were at least 25 variations on my friend's idea, "quicksilver," not counting all the ones with digits tacked on. "0" and "O" are now identical characters. you're allowed 1 half-space in addition to your 7 chars. Two different plates must differ in more than just the half-space, of course. ****************************************************************** ************* "If you steal ideas from one source, that's plagerism, but if you steal ideas from more than one source, that's research." -- Laurendo Almeida, Brazilian guitarist, talking at a recent concert before playing a medley of pieces by various composers. ---------------------------------------------------------------- ======== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 17:46:15 -0500 From: Brad Pardee Subject: postage humor (G) If what the post office normally delivers is "mail", then does that mean that when letters come postage due, they are "fee mail"? ======== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:35:24 EDT From: Gess Shankar Subject: No subject given Thomas Hegarty writes: > Does any one have a good job that could be used to break the ice at an > international relations meeting? > Tom Hegarty, Tampa How about the job of a terrorist ? Not only can they break things, they can kill people too. :-) Sorry, could not resist. :( GeSS -- Gess Shankar |<><>|Internet: gess@knex.via.mind.ORG |<><>| Knowledge Exchange|<><>|{rutgers,ogicse,gatech}!emory!uumind!knex!gess |<><>| ======== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 16:11:21 GMT From: ken weir Subject: STAR DREK (Star Trek Parody - PG-13/R)(Lengthy) The following parody is (c)Jay Badenhoop, 1993, except for the quote from Tim Lynch, and can be reproduced (without said quote) with permission from the author. At a story conference/three-martini lunch far, far away... (Berman: Hey, Mikey, let's create a new Star Trek series!) (Piller: Good idea. What shall we call it?) (Berman: I dunno. How about...) STAR DREK: DEEPSTAR SIX (Piller: Already been done. What about...) STAR DREK: BABYLON FIVE (Berman: If we use that one, Straczinski will sue.) STAR DREK: DEEP THROAT NINE (Piller: Too naughty for primetime, though not too naughty for me, I can tell you.) STAR DREK: DEEP THOUGHT NINE (Berman: The adventures of the universe's smartest computer... nah, too nerdy) STAR DREK: DEEP FRY NINE (Filler: A Ferengi named Quark opens a fast food joint on a space station... nah, already been done as a sitcom with Vic Tayback as Daimon Mel) STAR DREK: DEEP FACE NINE (Berman: A Cruddassian space station is taken over by Avon cosmetics. nah, wasn't that done on "Blake's 7"?) STAR DREK: ENEMY SPACE MINE (Piller: Well, the makeup we use looks like what Louis Gossett wore...) STAR DREK: CRAWLSPACE NINE (Berman: O'Brien's adventures trying to repair the @%&*#! replicators to give the captain a cup of coffee... hmmm, maybe we can make an episode out of it) (Filler: I know! Let's name it according to how we treat things we don't like in the scripts...) (Great idea, Mr. Piller.) (Agreed, Mr. Berman.) (Good night, Mr. Piller.) (Good night, Mr. Berman.) (Good night, John-boy.) (Who said that?) Presenting the new series... STAR DREK: BACKSPACE NINE by Jay Badenhoop "Space...the final frontier. Only way out on the edge of it. [These are the voyages of the Space Station Backspace 9, which,] when operating within safety parameters, shouldn't go too fast. It's continuing mission: To be able to make a decent cup of coffee without a systems failure; to wait for New Life(TM) and New Civilizations(TM) to come by and try to stake claim to the quadrant; to boldly stay... right here." -- Tim Lynch FAX Chief O'Clock has taken his wife Kinko to visit her mother, Xerox, on Earth, so everyone on the station is afraid to breathe for fear of something breaking down. Science specialist Justanother Fax is babbling jargon about some repairs that have to be done. Dr. Julien Fries Basher tries to hit on her several times, asking what her sign is, telling her what lovely Tenctonese spots she has, etc. until he realizes that she is continuing to ignore him and talk, but her lips aren't moving. He wonders for several minutes how this can be until the batteries in the recorder planted inside her begin to run down. She says she has to go back to her quarters now. Basher places her on a small wheeled cart and pushes it along, still trying to ask her out. On the way back, several men in overalls labelled "Grace Brothers Department Store" attack them. Basher puffs up his chest and says, "I'll save you. This is a job for BASHERMAN..." allowing plenty of time for one of the men to sneak up behind him and promptly knock him out, while Fax is grabbed and carried off. Commander Benjamin Crisco is in Oops when Basher feebly reports what happened. He and Dodo, the shape-shifting security officer, try to cut off the kidnappers by closing the security doors using a complex series of computer codes, but the Grace Brothers men have read "The Criminal's Complete Guide to Backspace Nine Security" ($199.99 at Creation Cons everywhere) and have disabled all the locks with a skeleton key. Crisco pulls in their Harley-Davidson Walkabout with a tractor beam. The leader turns out to be Layon Tundra of Claystorm 4. (This is obvious from the amount of clay stuck on the sides of his head.) He charges Fax with the murder of his father, General Grassi Tundra. Fax is a Thrill, a species that is half human, half Blob. The Blob lives inside the human roast's body, and when things get too hot to handle, Mr. Blob moves to another roast. Captain Crisco is very upset, since even though Justanother Fax is a 28-year-old woman, he knew Fax the Blob when he was just a small answering machine implanted in a roast named Cursalot Fax. Cursalot and Crisco used to go out drinking and picking up women together. Cursalot used to page him at bars as "Ben Dover Crisco" and tick off the bartenders. Cursalot could be a bit rude -- "Nudge, nudge, say no more!" -- but he was never a murderer. Crisco tries to get Fax to tell him what happened, but Fax just sits there. Layon Tundra is anxious to expedite Fax, but Crisco is anxious to stop him and save his officer. Of course, Bojangle Major Klira Sill is anxious to stop him because of her constant state of PMS. Dodo blackmails Qork the Ferarri into allowing a Bojangle expedition hearing to be held in his Bar and Grill by reminding him about the Bojangle women's fondness for cement galoshes. The hearing is held, presided over by a very grouchy woman, The Grand Arbitrary. Justanother Fax is wheeled in on her cart. The Arbitrary looks sternly at both Tundra and Crisco. "I want you to state your case as quickly as possible so I can have my tea. Now, this is to determine whether Justanother Fax should be expedited for trial for murder or reassembled into a blender. I know you both are pompous blowhard gits, and I won't take any guff from either of you. And if anyone says `Just the Fax, ma'am.', I'll have your remarks cut off and distributed to the poor." "Are you sure she's unbiased?" asks Crisco. "Oh, yes," replies Major Klira, "she's equally unfair to both sides." Tundra says that even though Fax is now in a different roast than when the murder was committed, a Thrill is really a Blob inside pulling little levers and turning knobs to make the roast move, and thus Fax was in control when the murder was committed. Crisco cites that scripts from "The Next Degeneration" cannot be called into evidence since this is a different TV show, and the producers have decided it's more convenient for the script that it takes both a willing roast and a Blob to give a Thrill. Meanwhile, Dodo has gone to talk to General Tundra's widow, Aneater Tundra. She says Grassi and Cursalot Fax were friends. But Dodo finds that a message was sent to General Tundra's men including a garbled bit about him being a traitor, after which they all set upon him like dogs. The only one who could have sent the message was Cursalot Fax, because only he had access to a modem. Layon Tundra brings as a witness Minister of Thrills Salami Pierce. He says he can remember every experience he ever had as a Thrill, then drifts off with a smile on his face. After being brought back to reality, Crisco asks him if each new roast brings with it a new flavor, and thus a new personality. Each Thrill is a different person, oo-err! The Arbitrary suggests taking the roast out of the oven, thus separating the symbuick from the roast. Dr. Basher points out that this would kill the Thrill. Though the symbuick and the roast have separate brains, they are biologically connected, like a jogger to his Walkman. Dodo calls Crisco with findings that Aneater Tundra and Fax called each other frequently while the General was away. Crisco tries to convince Fax to testify and defend herself. She replies, "I'm sorry, but I am not available at the moment, so please leave a message at the beep. BEEP!" Crisco gets so angry that she is ignoring him that he hits the wall and breaks several glass objects, setting off an alarm in Counselor Dinner Tray's office back on the Enterprise normally activated only when a Klingon breaks a glass table. Crisco examines Justanother Fax carefully and finally realizes that she is really a store mannequin with a tape recorder up her nose. Back at the hearing, Fax is just about to be judged quilty when Aneater Tundra comes in and announces that in fact, the message was sent by her. It wasn't that Fax was a TRAITOR, the message was to tell her husband that she and Fax had expanded their secret office equipment supply corporation to include a line of kitchen appliances. She was trying to tell her husband that they had made twelve billion credits selling a new electric cheese GRATER. If this ludicrous mistake had been revealed at that crucial time, the General's reputation would have been ruined forever, so she kept quiet and let the people think he was a hero. Aneater suggests to Fax that if she/he/it ever wanted to "run the blender" again, to look her up. Crisco wonders if, now that Fax has a new roast, if the Thrill will ever be the same again... ======== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 09:32:02 EDT From: Betty Braaksma Subject: Tony Bennett, where are you? Twin brothers, Stanley and Steven Frank, were killed simultaneously in a tragic auto accident. The next thing they know they're standing in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Pete runs their names through his database and Steven comes up clean and is allowed to pass through the gates. Stanley's name, on the other hand, is flagged and St. Pete doesn't allow him into heaven. The brothers are very upset about this, having been close buddies and inseperable all their lives. After much wailing and knashing of teeth, St. Pete agrees to a review of Stanley's case, but in the meantime the brothers must go to their assigned places. A couple weeks later, Steven asks for, and receives, permission to visit his brother. As a rookie angel, he's only allowed a 24-hour pass and is told that if he misses the deadline, he's blown it and has to stay in Hell. He also has to sign for all of his angelic supplies (wings, halo, etc) before he leaves. After all the red tape is handled, Steven flies off to see his brother. When he gets to Hell, he is astonished to see that Stanley is having a wonderful time. In fact, he's opened a disco, which is the hottest dance joint in the place. Steven has a great time, drinking, dancing, partying and just about misses his deadline. He scrambles hastily out of Stan's, and flies back through the pearly gates with barely a minute to spare. He heads back to the office to hand in his pass and complete his equipment checklist. The secretary is grumpy, but things are going Ok until she comes to Steven's harp. Frantically Steven looks around, but he can't find it anywhere. Suddenly it hits him. "Oh no!" he cries, "I left my harp in Stan Frank's Disco!" Betty Braaksma York University (I should give credit where credit is due: this and my other postings are courtesy of Prof. H.L. Robinson. He's got a million of 'em, folks!) ======== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 12:49:04 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Dangerfield humor "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor, so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, 'On your mark.'" "On Halloween the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different, when I answer the door the kids hand me candy." "When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me." "I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face." ======== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 18:56:34 BST From: Joe Clark Subject: Questions If basket ball was never invented, where would they hold all the high school dances? ======== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 08:23:00 PDT From: TORRANCE Pat Subject: Mail Humor (G) Is the term "mailman" redundant? ptorrance@shl.com ======== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 14:06:39 EST From: Herman Archie Subject: JOKES Why is an author more than a king? He may choose his own subjects. What is the favorite word with a woman? The last one. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 14:25:37 EDT From: Marty Subject: politics & horses... A horse walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a martini. The bartender mixes the drink and hands it to the horse. The horse hands the bartender a 20 dollar bill, and the bartender gives the horse 5 dollars in change. The horse stands there, sipping the drink, while the bartender wipes the counter. After a few minutes, the bartender says, "We don't get many horses in here." The horse replies, "At 15 dollars a martini, I'm not surprised." ======== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 16:27:44 -0300 From: Amy Ward Subject: Nude bible program pulled of the air (fwd) OLYMPIA, Wash. (UPI) -- A television program featuring nude bible readings was yanked off the air by Thurston County's public access television channel this week, but not because of the program's controversial content. Olympia police asked for a temporary suspension after the program's producer received a death threat. Self-styled preacher Jake Drake disagreed with the cancellation of his bible readings in the buff and says he's ``prepared to die at any second'' for his beliefs. Drake's half-hour programs include full frontal nudity as he sits in a chair and reads passages of scripture. The program does not violate city laws against pornography, according to the director of the public access T-V channel. The FBI is assisting Olympia police in the investigation of the assassination and bomb threat against preacher Drake. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 16:56:03 EDT From: Marty Subject: politics(supposed to be "horses" earlier... I forgot to include this one with my "a horse walked into a bar..." joke. Clinton and Gore went to a baseball game at Atlanta Braves Stadium. As they were sitting up in the stands, Gore leaned over and whispered something into Clinton's ear. Clinton perked up and said, "Oh really!? Okay!!" Suddenly he reached over, picked up Hilary, and HEAVED her out onto the field! Gore yelled at him, "NO!! I said PITCH!! The first PITCH!" ======== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 23:22:12 +0200 From: Matthew James Ellis Subject: Sick--R-rated Two guys are at a rodeo...and notice the number of riders that are getting thrown off by a certain horse called "lucky strike" Later it comes over the tannoy that there is a major prize for anyone with the ability to ride the horse for more than 60 seconds. One of the guys decides to have a go. They release him from the pen upon the horse a short while later and he manages to remain on the horse untill it collapses from exhaustion. Upon returning to his friend with the prize. His friend exclaims "how the hell did you manage that?" To which his reply is, "My wife is an eppilectic.." MATT "Well I thought it was funny, anyway.." ======== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 08:11:16 BST From: Joe Clark Subject: one line absence makes the heart grow fungus ======== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 14:04:05 LCL From: Randy Randall Subject: Humor in zoology class (x-rated); Penile humor A true story !! In the zoology class there is a lecturer who is quite perverted. There is also a poor girl who doesn't like his perverted jokes. One day he says in the class, "I believe in Nigeria, the average man has a penis that is 30cm long" The girl, who had enough of these jokes, got up from her seat and stormed out of the lecture hall. While she was making her way out, the lecturer retorted: "Lady, don't be in such a rush. The next flight to Nigeria is only tomorrow at Three p.m." Talking about penisses, There was once a guy who had a girl with the name of Wendy. He was so in love with her that he had her name tattooed on his penis. When he had an erection, it would show the entire name. However when it was soft (i.e. unerected), it would just show the first and last letters namely "WY". He then hears that in New York the guys have really long penisses. One day he is busy urinating at a public convenience when he sees the guy next door to him with a "WY" tattooed on his penis. He asks the guy if the guy's girlfriend's name is also Wendy. "No", the guy replies. What this is short for is: "Welcome to New York, have a nice day" ****************************************************************** **** * Randall van der Heyde * Internet: * * * Randall@wwg3.uovs.ac.za * * University Residence: ******************************* * * Home Address: * * Huis Olienhout * * * University of the Orange Free State * 5 Emerald Street * * Bloemfontein * Gemdene * * 9301 * 8301 Kimberley * ****************************************************************** **** * Tel. (051) 475-150 * Tel. (0531) 42610 * ****************************************************************** **** * * * Republic of South Africa * * * ****************************************************************** **** ======== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 09:55:32 EST From: Herman Archie Subject: CondDundrums Why does a trian never sit down? Because it has a tender behind. Why isn,t your nose 12 inches? Because it would be a foot. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 09:29:23 CDT From: Martin Ignazito Subject: non crude sexual content A doctors office receives a call from a man who says he needs to speak to the doctor. The man then says: "Doctor, I have a problem with my sexual functionality." "What is the nature of your problem?" asks the doctor. "It's very difficult to describe" says the man "perhaps we could come to your office and perform while you observe." The doctor thought that this was a bit out of the ordinary, but he consented to see the couple and made an appointment. After the couple performed and got dressed, the doctor said "I can't seem to see anything wrong with what you are doing. I don't have anything to recommend." "Perhaps we should come back again" said the man. Another appointment was made for the next week and the couple left. After several visits to the doctor, the doctor finally takes the man aside and says, "Look, I can't really do anything for you and your wife. I can't seem to find anything wrong. You and your wife will have to consult a sex therapist or something like that." "That's not my wife" says the man "she's my girlfriend". "Your girlfriend" gasped the doctor "why on earth have you been coming to me?" "Well" replied the man "the Holiday Inn charges $60, you only charge $35 and I get $27 back from Blue Cross." (Bitnet) axc1525@uicvmc.bitnet (Internet) m-ignazito@uiuc.edu Fax 217-333-4294 Home 217-348-1525 Office 217-244-7784 ======== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 12:33:15 EST From: Dani Mudge Subject: rated g jokes Q. What run btu but never moves? A. a clock Q. What is the do>[Difference between a hill and a pill ? A. One is hard to get up and the other is hard toi get down. Q. What animal keeps the best time? A, A watch dog. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 11:34:00 PDT From: "Briggs, Vickie" Subject: An amusing poem The birds may kiss the bees goodbye, The buttercup... the butterfly. The morning dew may kiss the grass, And you my friend, may kiss my ass. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 13:21:26 -0600 From: Jill Harlow Subject: PG-13 > So theres this guy, and he weighs about 600 lbs, and he decides that he'd >better lose all this weight for health purposes, self esteem, etc.. SO he >goes on this incredible diet which lets him lose about 400 lbs of weight >so that he's down to a mere 200 or so. The only problem with this is that >now he has all this loose skin bunched up everywhere, so he calls his doctor >on the phone and says "Oh my god..what the *&%$ am i gonna do with all this >skin!?" > And the doctor says "Well...come on down to the office and I'll have a look >at you." > And the guy says "Umm...doc...I dont think theres any way I want to be >seen in public with all this skin hanging offa me like dis" > The the doc says "Ok..I've got it..why dont you gather up all your skin >and pull it all up and tuck it up under your hat or something." > The guy agrees to this li'l scheme and pulls all his skin up..like a >face lift only it's a body-skin lift..and he tucks all the excess skin >under his hat, and goes to the doctors office. > He gets to the doctors office and the receptionist looks at him and >yells "OH MY GOD WHATS THAT HOLE IN YOUR FOREHEAD!?!?" > And the guy says "Thats my BELLY-BUTTON!!................. > > ......Howdya like my NECK-TIE!?!?!" > >--------------------- > >Think about it... > ======== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 16:23:16 GMT From: Rick Diamant Subject: Star Trek joke I just got this off the STREK-L list: Where do Trekkies go to work out? At the He's Dead Gym. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 19:37:48 EDT From: Tom Murray Subject: PG-13 Religion and silly sickness For those of you who haven't gone to church lately: Q: What kind of fun does a monk have? A: Nun. One day Mother Superior and her three best nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. Everytime they hit a bump the three in back started to giggle. After about three miles of this nonsense and twelve bumps later the Mother Superior stated, "listen, if you girls don't this funny business right now I will be forced to put the seats back on your bikes!" Here's a joke I heard when I lived in England YEARS! ago! Three monks were on a raft fishing one day. The firstmonk's rod takes a nose dive into the water. Suspecting a fish on the end he reels up his line. Low and behold there is a fish on the end. He's just about to grab it and it falls off the line. He yells, "God damn it!" A bolt of lightning comes down from heaven and he's in a pile of ashes. The other two look on most astonished. The second monk's pole goes down. He reels up the line. He's just about to catch the fish on the end and it falls off the line. He yells, "God damn it!!" A bolt of lightning comes down from heaven and he's in a pile of ashes. The final monk looks on most depressed. Of course, this monks pole jumps and heads for the water. He reels up the line and there's a fish on the end of it. He's just about to catch it and it falls off the line. He yells, "God damn it!!!" A bolt of lightning comes down from heaven, splits the raft in two and a voice from heaven says, "God damn it!!!!" It's a clean joke but a cute one. And now for something completely different, the silly sick one: Q: How does a mathematician take care of constipation? A: With a pencil, of course. Remember, I prefer 77, that way I get eight (ate) more. Tom Murray ==> F144@Ferris.Bitnet Where all we do is go to school and read our mail. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 18:09:12 PDT From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 1.F A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big ****************************************************************** ************* < The electronic funds transfer is in the electronic mail. . . . > A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house. A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There is a cow in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with cattle." So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out. Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with a pig!". Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow. "Surely you can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer." ****************************************************************** ************* Did you hear about the old guru who wouldn't allow the dentist to use any anesthetic on him? He wanted to transcend dental medication. PROVERB #1: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt. PROVERB #2: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. ****************************************************************** ************* In the U.S.A. "Pass the honey, Honey". In the U.K. "Pass the sugar, Sugar". In Canada: "Pass the tea, bag". ****************************************************************** ************* A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like. "In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave. "True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..." ****************************************************************** ************* a particular policy matter among his staff ( I think something about fund raising, etc...). Lincoln said that it reminded him of a drunkard that stumbled into a church out West. The whole congregation watched as the man made his wy to the front of the church. The drunkard joined in the praying and sing- ing, but when the preacher began the sermon, the drunkard fell dead asleep. During the sermon, the preacher yelled,"All those on the side of the Lord stand up!" and the whole congregation stood up, with the exception of the sleeping drunkard. The preacher continued, "All those on the side of the Devil stand up!" The congregation sat down, but the drunkard startled heard the stand up part and stood up. "Preacher, I'm not sure I understood what you just said, but I want you to know that I'm behind you on it, even though it sure looks as though we're in the minority!" ****************************************************************** ************* Lawyer Jokes...courtesy of NOLO Press (Berkeley) There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux A small town that cannot support one lawyer can alwyas support two. There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge. "I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of character! - Michael Lara "There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'" - ibid Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. ****************************************************************** ************* A man is sitting at the beach apparently playing chess with a shaggy dog. A spectator walks by, just as the dog pushes a piece. He stops out of curiousity, and sure enough, the man moves a piece, and a little while later the dog moves again. Fascinated, the spectator watches several more moves, and finally bursts out, "This is amazing! Your dog is playing chess." "It's not so amazing," the man replies, "I can beat him two games out of three." ****************************************************************** ************* ANOTHER ONE: A man goes to his doctor for a physical. A week later, the doctor calls him with the results. "I've got some bad news and some very bad news. First, the bad news. You have an incurable disease, and I estimate you have 24 hours to live." The patient replies, "My God, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse?" The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday!" ****************************************************************** ************* This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if we ignore it, it'll go away'. ****************************************************************** ************* The new employee walks into the Boss's office and nervously tells the Boss, "I have some good news and bad news, Sir" The Boss looks up and asks, "What is the good news, Tom?" "I promise such a thing will never happen again" How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb. What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A: A nervous wreck. ****************************************************************** ************* It seems that a young man who came from a wealthy family was going off to college. Now Dad, who was no slouch, knew that the young rascal would probably just use all his money to booze it up and go after the girls (since this is what he himself had done). In order to prevent this, he presented his son with a fur coat which contained nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine hairs. And he said to his son, he said "Son, I want you to have this coat, and to take very good care of it, because it contains 9,999,999 hairs. If there are still 9,999,999 hairs when you graduate from school in 4 years, I'll give you a million dollars and set you up in a job for life." Well, the son thought this sounded pretty good, so he took his Dad up on it. While he was a freshman, he counted the hairs twice a semester: 9,999,999 hairs each time. Over the summer he counted them again: 9,999,999 hairs. Sophomore year he counted those 9,999,999 hairs every month, and every month there were 9,999,999 hairs. Junior year, he was at it every week: 9,999,999 hairs. Week after week after week: 9,999,999 hairs. By senior year he was counting them every day: 9,999,999 hairs. Skipping classes for those 9,999,999 hairs. Well, by the time graduation rolled around, he felt like he'd counted those 9,999,999 hairs about 9,999,999 times, but he kept right on counting. As soon as he finished with those 9,999,999 hairs, he'd count them again: 9,999,999 hairs. On the night before graduation, he stayed up all night counting: 9,999,999 hairs. Finally the big day arrived, and Dad came to see junior. "Well, son, have you got those 9,999,999 hairs still intact?" asked the old man. "Yes, Dad, all 9,999,999 hairs are there!" So they started to count them together. And there were 9,999,998 hairs! The son couldn't believe it. They counted again: 9,999,998 hairs. And the son sat down and cried, his whole future shot (since he'd gotten straight D's from all the classes he'd skipped). And as the son was sitting there, a little moth flew out of the coat, the same moth who'd eaten that 9,999,999th hair. And the moth felt so bad about what he'd done that he started to cry too. Have you ever seen a moth bawl? ****************************************************************** ************* Three guys went out in their 4 wheel drive unit to go "shootn". While out they found a rabbit from one of the neighboring farms and caught it. They decided instead of "shootn" at it, they'd have some real fun. And so they tied a stick of dinamite to the little beastie and lit it. Well remember, this was a poor confused farm rabbit, so it immediately ran off and hid,... directly *under* their four wheel drive truck. *BOOM* and the four wheel drive truck suddenly turned into a Volkswagen Rabbit! ****************************************************************** ************* Teddy Roosevelt was about to speak at a Bull Moose rallley As he began, a heckler started shouting "I'm a Republican!". Well, T.R. ignores this fellow for a while, but finally, he gets to be too much to take. T.R.: "Pray tell, sir, what are your reasons for being a Republican?" HECKLER: "Well, my daddy was a Republican, and so was his daddy." T.R.: (Feeling very pleased that this jerk had given him such an opening) Well then sir, suppose your father and your father's father had been jackasses. What then would you be?" HECKLER: "A Democrat." ======== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 23:56:04 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Dangerfield humor "Good crowd, good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm okay now but last week I was in rough shape. Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." "I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!" "My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens." "One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control." ======== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 10:09:10 GMT From: MICHAEL G MILLER Subject: GABOR The wrinkled skin joke reminded me of what a local wag once said. He said that if Zsa Zsa Gabor had one more facelift, she would be wearing a goatee. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:08:00 EDT From: "Michael B. Smith" Subject: A TV in everyroom.(pg-13) a man takes off his pantyhose before he plays racquetball. his buddy asks him what is with the pantyhose. he replies that he wears them now. since when his buddy asks. ever since my wife found them in the glove compartment. ******************************************************** The young lady was feeling a bit amorous, so she decided to leave work a little early and surprise her husband. When she got home she saw her husband in the bedroom. She went in the bedroom and said, "John, take off my shoes." So John took off her shoes. Then she said, "John, take off my dress." So John obliged and took off her dress. Next it was "John, take off my slip." So John took off her slip. Then she said, "John take off my bra!" So John unhooked her bra and let it fall to the floor. Lastly she said "John, take off my panties!!!." After John finished removing her panties she said, "Don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!" ======== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:50:24 EST From: Herman Archie Subject: IN MEMORY of JFK. A boy and a girl got caught fucking in the back of a car. Three witness were asked to testify in court. THE first witness took the stand and said your honor, Isaw them fucking. The judge fined the witness 10 dollars for cursing in the court- room. The seecond witness took the stand and siad, your honor I saw them fuching too. The judge fined the second witness 10 dollars also for cursing in the courtroom. Finally, the third witness took the stand and said your honor, I saw 5 to I saw 10 toes up and 10 toes dowm. ASSes going out and asses going in if that ain't fucking here's my 10. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:40:42 CDT From: Pete Subject: Thanks for not smoking! This makes a great sign for all of you non-smokers out there. Cigarette Smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It fills the air, putrifies my clothes and hair and lungs, withoust my consent. I have pleasure too. I like beer. The residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair and pissed on you head and clothes without your consent? THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING!! ======== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:55:14 -0500 From: Brad Pardee Subject: Hilary From a caller to Rush Limbaugh: "Clinton has found his own Rodham and Gomorrah." ======== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 12:58:59 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Academic pay dispute Fatback, NC (MailPouch) -- A salary grievance was filed today at State College over a bitter dispute involving two professors from the Department of Southeastern European Languages, Professor Ijp and Professor Ajpa. Dr. Ijp, who is an associate professor, filed the demand for salary arbitration after he learned that Dr. Ajpa, who is also an associate professor, was receiving a salary three times greater than his own. "I don't understand it," said Ijp, "we hold the same rank, we work in similar areas, we both publish scholarly works, yet for some reason Dr. Ajpa is paid three times more than I am. It just doesn't make any sense. I don't know why they are doing this, but I intend to find out." When contacted by the SMOKEHOUSE READER, the faculty Dean at State College, Farley Wagonsmith, defended the salary disparity between the two professors. "It's really quite simple," said Dean Wagonsmith. "Although Dr. Ijp is a good professor, he is a slightly-built man, weighing in at just 107 pounds. We pay him $32,500 a year, which comes out to $303.74 per pound. On the other hand, Dr. Ajpa is a bear of a man, at 311 pounds, and we pay him $93,638 per year, or only $301.09 per pound. As you can see, the per pound rate for Dr. Ajpa is actually less than the rate for Dr. Ijp. I think that Dr. Ijp has failed to appreciate adequately the indisputable fact that Dr. Ajpa is providing 3 times more professor to the College than is Dr. Ijp. Thus the so-called disparity in salaries, from our point of view, is more illusory than real. Right now our biggest concern is that Dr. Ajpa will demand rate parity with Dr. Ijp as a result of this unfortunate grievance action." Reaction to the salary controversy has been largely negative around the state. One citizen summarized the comments of many by complaining, "I had no idea they were spending so many of our tax dollars on any of these guys. They cost more than decent round steak." ======== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 10:56:42 PDT From: "Julianne Edmunds (463-4848)" Subject: "GNU HISSED TREE" (PG-13) Another compilation of student bloopers... ======== ------------------------------ The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. ======== ------------------------------ ======== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 10:00:00 PDT From: TORRANCE Pat Subject: Divorce joke - Sexual content A man walks into a lawyer's office and says he wants a divorce. "Why is that?" said the lawyer. "I want a divorce because our sexual life isn't satisfying. In fact, it's got me extremely depressed. I'm beginning to doubt my virility," said the sad-eyed man. "I find it hard to believe that your sexual activity can have such an effect on you. Can you give an example of what's going on?" "I can't describe it properly. I'll record what happens tonight and you can hear for yourself." Early on the next morning, the gentleman returned with a cassette in hand. "This should explain my complaint." So the lawyer put the tape in his expensive office stereo and started it playing. "Thaaat's haaaapinesss.......thaaat's haaaapinesss," a female voice came from the speakers. "It doesn't sound too bad to me!" said the lawyer. "That's because you've got the tape at the wrong speed," "THAT'S a penis????" ======== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 16:20:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" Subject: Texan/Israeli joke (innocuous) LAUGH THERAPY A Texan was touring Israel, complete with his cowboy hat and cowboy boots. We all know about the tendency of Texans to brag. While driving down a great, flat desert, he spied a tiny house in the distance, with a neat picket fence. Coming closer, he saw an elderly man leaning against the fence. "Shalom, you all," said the Texan. "Shalom," replied the Israeli. "Do you speak English? "Sure I do." "Do you own this little house? "Yes." "What on Earth do you do out here in this isolated area? "I raise chickens." "How large is your property?" "Well, " answered the Israeli, "In the front, it's a good eighty feet. And in the back, it must be 100, 110 feet at least." The Texan grinned. "I don't mean to brag, but back in Texas where I come from, I eat breakfast, get into my car around 9 am and drive and drive and drive and drive, and I don't reach the end of my property until about 6 o'clock at night." And the Israeli then said, "I once owned a car like that." - -- ======== ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1993 03:20:00 +0300 From: hananel kvatinsky Subject: Re: Life 1.F A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big On Thu, 3 Jun 1993 cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM wrote ( I am responding just to one of the jokes ): > ****************************************************************** ************* > > In the U.S.A. "Pass the honey, Honey". > > In the U.K. "Pass the sugar, Sugar". > > In Canada: "Pass the tea, bag". > > ******************************************************************************* > In ??? : " Pass me the beefsteak, Cow " Hananel Kvatinsky Ramat-Gan, Israel ======== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 22:51:25 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: The DEVIL's dictionary I hope there are some Ambrose Bierce fans out there, because I want to sample some of his humor to this list. Ambrose Bierce, *The Devil's Dictionary* (originally printed 1911) my copy printed 1979 by Thomas Y. Crowell Publishers, NY. Academy, n. (from academe). A modern school where football is taught. Academe, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Diagnosis, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse. Dog, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. this Divine Being in some of his smaller and silkier incranations takes, in the affection of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival--an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, sun- soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means wherewith to purchase an idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition. Kiss, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." it is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer. Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief. Moral, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency. Mouth, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart. Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. Sauce, n. The one infallible sing of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sause invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 22:07:19 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State Subject: No Smoking Sign LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ARE KINDLY REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE; AND SO ARE YOU! ======== ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1993 09:13:52 -0400 From: Grady Lacy Subject: Joke (fwd) My brother sent me this a couple of days ago, and I thought I'd share it with you. When changing the toner today in our office TI laser printer I noticed the following on the cleaning pad holder: ADVARSEL: HOJ TEMPERATUR HUOMATOUS: ERITAIN KUUMA ATTENTION: TEMPERATURE ELEVEE ZUR BEACHTUNG: HOHE TEMPERATUR CUIDADO: TEMPERATURA ELEVADA CAUTION: HIGH TEMPERATURE AVOID TOUCHING What is it about English-speakers that singles them out as being unable to make the connection between "Hot!" and "Don't Touch!"? ======== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 14:58:41 EDT From: Bill Edwards Subject: HUMOR has 800+ SUBers This past Thursday HUMOR, for the first, passed the 800 subscriber mark. Clearly, our contributors continue to do a good job of providing us with classic and contemporary humor. As Listowner I particularly appreciate the clear warnings provided by most contributors when they are posting potentially sensitive or offensive humor. This convention should continue to provide us with full freedom of expression while respecting the experiences, views, and sensitivities of fellow subscribers. In recent weeks we have been averaging 14/15 messages per day. As long as our contributors keep most of their posts under a 100 lines, the list volume should be managable by even our members with small accounts. If our current contributors will continue to obey the one post per day rule, the HUMOR list could use some more contributors. Obligatory humor: Morris K. Udall in his wonderfully funny book about politics, *Too Funny to be President* says the following: "I am indebted to my longtime friend, Art Buchwald, the author of *Buchwald's Fourth Law,* which reads: "The First two times you use a joke, give your source credit. From then on, to hell with it! Be shameless--claim it as your own. After all, your source undoubtedly stole it from someone else." Jokes are public, not private property, and you can't be prosecuted for borrowing them. Like most political humorists, mark Shields admits to having done his share of pilferage. "Jokes have a copyright of about twelve hours," he says. At an Auburn-Alabama footall game there wsn't a ticket available for weeks. On the forty-five-yard line a fan sat with an empty seat next to him. A spectator asked the man if he knew who owned the seat. "Yes, I do." "Then why isn't it being used on the day of the biggest game of the year?" Mournfully, the man said, "Well, my wife and I have season tickets and we alway s come together. But last Friday she died." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But why didn't you give her ticket to one of your children?" "Oh, I couldn't do that. They're all at the funeral." ======== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 16:08:49 -0400 From: Richard Chatham Subject: Mathematician joke The worst thing about buying something from a mathematician is figuring out what to do with the 100-page proof of purchase. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 19:19:41 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: The DEVIL's dictionary Intimacy, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destructon. Inventor, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. Irreligion, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes, and personal service. Kill, v. t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 22:23:47 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Ethnic jokes A Lithuanian, a Japanese, and an American went elk hunting in the mountains of Wyoming. When the Japanese came back to camp with a big buck, his companions asked how he'd managed it. "I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. Bang! I got the elk." The next day it was the American who dragged in a big buck. "I saw tracks. I followed 'em, and--bang!--I got the elk," was his simple story. The third evening the Lute dragged himself into the camp, a bruised and bloody mess. "What the hell happened to you?" asked the American. "I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks, and--bang!" moaned the Lute, "I got hit by a train. Did you hear about the smart aleck high school dropout who was robbing a bank? He went up to the teller and said, "All, you mothersticker, this is a fuckup!" He didn't get any money because the teller broke up laughing. How do you bury a Korean? Flush. How do you bury an American? Flush three times. If English cuisine is so bad, how come the English get so fat? They love to sing Irish songs, devour Welsh creams and cheese, drink Scot whiskey, and eat French food. What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby? A girl. What do you call a white NBA basketball player? Benchwarmer. What do Portuguese wear to weddings? Formal fishnet. What do you call a white man who dies and gets wings? An angel. How about a black man who does the same? A bat. What's so special about the elevator at Bloomingdale's? It's about the only thing a rich man's wife will go down on. What's the difference between an Israelite and an Israeli? About thirty calories. Why are the most successful churches round? So there are no corners to hide in when the collection plate is passed. Why do Nevada quickie divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why can't you get protestants to send their children to Jewish schools? They don't do homework. What do you call a white man surrounded by three blacks? Victim. What do you call a white man surrounded by five blacks? Coach. What do you call a white man surrounded by ten blacks? Quarterback. What do you call a white man surrounded by three hundred blacks? Warden. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 23:38:44 EST From: "Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia" Subject: New political bumpersticker Most Americans have now seen the bumpersticker "Don't blame me, I voted for Bush." I received a phone call tonight from a friend in Ohio who reported seeing an answering bumpersticker: "Who did you blame when Bush was President." I bet they didn't blame President Bush. :-> Blame, bitterness, and complaining--sounds like obstructionism to me. ======== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 09:07:00 EST From: HARSH Subject: Golf Jokes.. Origin :: Unknown ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- Golf jokes : Ah, I believe this one is best done with a bit'a the brogue after a wee sip. Me wife says to me one day "Tain't it about time you learned to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are play'n? So I goes next door and says to me neighbor "Can you teach me to play golf?" He: "Sure. Have you got any balls and club?" Me: "?.....of course. Why?" H: "Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll T-off." M: "?T-off? Whats this T-off?" H: "Oh - its just a golf term and we'll T-off right next to the clubhouse." M: "Look, you T-off where ever you want to but I'll T-off in private if you don't mind." H: "(chuckle) No no, a T's that little thing about the size of your little finger." M: (them damn women been talk'n again) H: "Look, the first thing you do is stick you T in the ground and put you ball on top of it." M: "Oh, this is sit down game?" H: "No, your standing up when you put your ball on the T." M: "Is'nt that strech'n things a bit far"? H: "No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs"? M: "?.....of course. Why?" H: "Zippered bag or velcro"? M: "?...........neither". H: "Oh, well how do you hold you club"? I: "Two fingers". H: "No, no. That's not right. Look let me get around behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show you how to swing". M: "Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind. H: "Ok, look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder . . ." M: "No, no, that's me brother Jimmy you be think'n of". H: ". . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar". M: "I can well belive that". H: "Then when your on the green . . ." M: "What's the green thing"? H: "Ah, thats where the hole is". M: "You color blind"? H: "No, why"? " . . . anyway, when you get there, you take your putter . . ." M: "Whats a putter"? H: "Smallest club made>" M: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut). H: ". . . and with it you put the ball in the hole". M: "You mean the putter"? H: "No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter". M: "Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talk'n about. Cuz I seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon". H: "Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17". M: "I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I in the 18th one"? H: "Why, the holes got a flag in it". M: Sheeez! ------------ A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's a nice hot summers day and two men are playing golf on a course that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, tuns round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turns round to him and says... M2: "Come off it, it's only a hearse." M1: "But you don't understand, its my wife's funeral..." ____________________ ======== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 08:46:01 -0600 From: Jill Harlow Subject: WHAT TO DO TO FAIL A TEST--LONG BUT FUNNY! Subj: 50 things to do when you're going to fail! 50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam) 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks" --------  ------------------------------