From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 7 Jun 1993

There are 73 messages totalling 6551 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1.      WRIGHT jokes
  2.	  SEX
  3.	  how to shoot yourself in foot
  4.	  deep thoughts
  5.	  Sayings
  6.	  Murphy's Laws
  7.	  oxymorons, sayings
  8.	  Fletch
  9.	  Sexual yearnings <limerick>
 10.	  IF IT'S...
 11. 	  Lawyers  pg13
 12.	  May be offensive to dwarfs
 13.	  This Joke Rated PG13
 14. 	  Re: IF IT'S...
 15.	  bit racist but can be applyed to any one...
 16.	  GOLF JOKE
 17.	  The three great lies
 18.	  Laws
 19.	  ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
 20.	  job interview questions
 21.	  SORORITY GIRL JOKES (R)
 22.	  Pickup lines (PG-13/R)
 23.	  RULES for men (PG)
 24.	  WEIGHTLOSS during SEX (PG-13)
 25.	  wisdom
 26.	  The three great lies
 27.	  VARIATIONS OF PICKUP LINES-PG13/R
 28.	  3rd great lie
 29.	  The Three Great Lies
 30.	  Gags & Teasers
 31.	  Additions to pick up lines PG-13
 32.	  The third great lie
 33.	  the third great lie
 34.	  Scottish jokes
 35.	  Condom Jokes in Namibia
 36.	  Hillbilly Joke (PG)
 37.	  VARIATION-PHONE MESSAGES
 38.	  Re: the third great lie
 39.	  The REAL third greatest lie
 40.	  third great lie ...
 41.	  Re: Greatest Lie
 42.	  Klingon proverbs.
 43.	  Re: Greatest lie
 44.	  the other REAL 3rd greatest
 45.	  ETHNIC JOKE - NO OFFENSE INTENDED
 46.	  Life  1.G     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big
 47.	  Liquor is Quicker (R+)
 48.	  a poem or two
 49.	  Riddles
 50.	  Politics & sex (not offensive)
 51.	  Childish, probably inoffensive
 52.      No subject given
 53.	  More Scottish Jokes
 54.	  rated PG
 55.	  MORE PICK-UP LINES/MESSAGES
 56.	  Tounge Twisters
 57.	  Life  1.H     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago,
 58.	  Doctor Joke
 59.	  Re: Tongue Twisters (risque)
 60.	  One liner mathematician joke
 61.	  A Two-Time Loser (clean)
 62.	  DEATH BY BUNDY--RATED R
 63.	  gross bodily function joke
 64.	  Ethnic humor <tasteless>
 65.	  Shocking 6th grade story <rude language>
 66.	  Little Red Riding Person (PG for implied violence)
 67.	  Yo Momma.....
 68.	  Native jokes, R(offensive)
 69.	  Re: Yo Momma.....
 70.	  Trappists
 71.	  Light bulbs (clean)
 72.	  BALLAD OF MAE WEST'S BUST
 73.	  Jargon (some 'adult' language) and want ads
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:51:37 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      WRIGHT jokes

        SOME AMUSING STEVE WRIGHT SAYINGS (and look-alikes)

        From various sources, some from memory, grouped in a semi-random
        way.  I excluded just a few that I thought weren't very funny.
        These are likely to have been modified in translation...

        Last updated:  910903


        --- big picture ---

        A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
        entire planet Earth taken from space.  On the back it said,
        "Wish you were here."

        I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

        It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

        Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

        --- banks ---

        I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They
        said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

        I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
        much time.

        --- museums ---

        I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
        the statues that are in all the other museums.

        I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
        Boy With Pail...  Kitten On Fire.

        --- restaurants ---

        I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So
        I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

        I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
        buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what
        kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
        to it.

        There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
        in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

        --- stores ---

        I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything
        specifically.

        I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked
        me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

        I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.  The
        clerk said, "ten-four."

        I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet
        supplies".  So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that
        said "compact cars".

        I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got
        there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the
        sign says you're open 24 hours."  He said, "Yes, but not in a
        row."

        I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They
        ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
        I'd like?"  Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
        medium."

        I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
        She said, "It's free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone
        bought anything today.

        I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.  She was buying clothes and
        I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

        There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
        Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

        I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to
        the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a
        different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

        --- appliances ---

        For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put
        them in the same room and let them fight it out.

        Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I
        don't get it...

        I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

        I invented the cordless extension cord.

        --- telephones ---

        I saw a close friend of mine the other day...  He said,
        "Stephen, why haven't you called me?"  I said, "I can't call
        everyone I want.  My new phone has no five on it."  He said,
        "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...  my
        calendar has no sevens on it."

        I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called
        someone.  They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

        Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said,
        "Hello?"  and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They
        said, "Uh...  I don't think so...  he's only 2 months old."  I
        said, "I'll wait."

        I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
        inside my fish tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a
        call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to
        the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
        yesterday."

        --- apartments ---

        My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the
        apartment somewhere.

        I installed a skylight in my apartment....  The people who live
        above me are furious!

        All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me
        designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across
        the hall tried to rob a department store...  with a pricing
        gun...  She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
        marking down everything in the store."

        While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
        bedroom.  They put it in *exactly* the same place it was.  When
        I told my roommate, he said:  "Do I know you?"

        --- houses ---

        In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
        Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
        Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut
        it out."

        Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick
        wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
        who knew.  People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
        it...  it feels real."

        In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
        above...  so I never have to go upstairs.

        One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
        flash on my camera to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and
        took fifty pictures of my face.  The neighbors thought there was
        lightning in my house.

        All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
        I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

        I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I
        laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

        Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
        If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
        your head.  If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
        real quick.

        I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how
        I got there.

        I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was
        in the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they
        weren't included.  So I had to buy them again.

        My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
        neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
        out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

        The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
        with my car keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it
        around for a while.  I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
        He asked where I lived.  I said, "right here, officer".  Later,
        I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
        "Get out of my driveway!"

        My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really
        notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

        --- cars and driving ---

        For a while I didn't have a car...  I had a helicopter...  no
        place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
        running...  (slow glance upward)

        I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
        I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

        I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
        looks like I'm the only one moving.

        I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my
        car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

        I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
        out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds
        *amazing*.

        I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
        earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

        I had to stop driving my car for a while...  the tires got
        dizzy.

        My neighbor has a circular driveway...  he can't get out.

        I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
        anywhere near the place.

        I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.
        But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

        Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the
        driving...  every half mile...  We had one cassette tape to
        listen to on the entire trip...  I don't remember what it was.

        I saw a sign:  "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some
        people must be really tired.

        A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, "Why were you going so
        fast?"  I said, "See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an
        accelerator.  When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
        engine.  The whole car just takes right off.  And see this
        thing?  This steers it."

        I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
        "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes,
        officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

        One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said,
        "Didn't you see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't
        believe everything I read."

        I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
        Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
        and farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you
        can go."

        The judge asked, "What do you plead?"  I said, "Insanity, your
        honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

        When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
        parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
        me if I'm leaving.

        Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...  when I came
        back the entire area was missing.

        --- sleeping ---

        I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said,
        "Steven, time to go to sleep."  I said, "But I don't know how."
        She said, "It's real easy.  Just go down to the end of tired and
        hang a left."  So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
        of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and she said
        "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

        I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
        means it's going to be up all night.

        When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
        sleep good?"  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

        I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

        One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
        satellite dish.  My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the
        world.

        My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep,
        I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

        --- socks ---

        I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
        Information.  She said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't
        find my socks."  She said, "They're behind the couch."  And they
        were!

        I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She
        looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
        socks on."  I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
        because I go by thickness."

        --- records ---

        I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it
        on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I
        could only stutter in Spanish.

        I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
        wires backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned
        them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

        --- fishing ---

        Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a
        dotted line.  He caught every other fish.

        There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
        looking like an idiot.

        --- dogs ---

        I bought a dog the other day...  I named him Stay.  It's fun to
        call him...  "Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went
        insane.  Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

        I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures
        of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in
        circles.

        The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...  on
        the ledge.  Some people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm
        afraid of widths.

        I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.

        --- chemistry ---

        If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
        precipitate.

        (Referring to a glass of water:)  I mixed this myself.  Two
        parts H, one part O.  I don't trust anybody!

        They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning...
        (picks up his glass of water from the stool)...  I like to live
        on the edge...

        I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

        --- childhood ---

        I was born by Caesarian section...  but not so you'd notice.
        It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
        window.

        When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
        closet for five minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator
        practice.

        I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy
        subway instead.  You couldn't see anything, but every now and
        then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

        When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
        have any toy train schedules?"

        When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand
        box.  I was an only child...  eventually.

        When I was five years old I was on a merry go round.  There was
        a gunshot nearby.  The horses stampeded.  There I was running
        down the street on a purple wooden horse.

        When I was eight, I played Little League.  I was on first; I
        stole third; I went straight across.  Earlier that week, I
        learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
        direct line.  I took advantage of that knowledge.

        I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.  I couldn't
        find tractors small enough to fit it.

        My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.  He didn't get his
        birthmark until he was eight years old.

        My school colors were clear.  We used to say, "I'm not naked,
        I'm in the band."

        When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
        twins.  Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
        When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
        he didn't obey.

        Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
        beach...  it pisses me off!  I'll go over to a little baby and
        say, "What are you doing here?  You haven't worked a day in your
        life!"

        My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so
        later I can ask him what he meant.

        --- not-all-there ---

        You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
        asleep, you're reading, reading...  and all of a sudden you
        notice your eyes are closed?  I'm like that all the time.

        Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you
        go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last
        instant you catch yourself?  That's how I feel all the time.

        Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I
        think I've forgotten this before.

        Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.  I mimic my
        shadow.

        I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one...  it
        wasn't doing what I was doing.

        If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

        Four years ago...  no, it was yesterday.
        Today I...  No, that wasn't me.
        Sometimes I...  No, I don't.

        --- suicide ---

        I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...  I
        changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
        landed on my feet.  Two little kittens nearby saw what happened
        and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's
        done."

        I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
        been serious because I brought a beach towel.

        --- books ---

        I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about
        everything.

        What's another word for Thesaurus?

        Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?

        My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in
        1912...  Well, to make a long story short ...

        I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done.

        I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

        I wrote a few children's books...  not on purpose.

        --- miscellaneous one-liners ---

        After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
        Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
        I broke my arm trying to fold a bed.  It wasn't the kind that folds.
        I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
        I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
        I lost a button hole today.
        I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
        I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
        I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
        I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
        I took a baby shower.
        I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
        I was skydiving horizontally.
        I washed mud, off of mud.
        I'm so hyper...  (said with a very dull voice)
        If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
        If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
        My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
        "So, do you live around here often?"
        Women...  can't live with 'em...  can't shoot 'em.
        You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

        --- miscellaneous ---

        My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole
        package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes
        she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

        One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
        most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...  I sat beside her.  I said,
        "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
        it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
        problem."  So I asked, "What's the problem?"  She replied, "I
        can't tell you.  I don't even know you..."  I said, "Well
        sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
        on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
        nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...  by the way, my
        name is Denise."  I said, "Hello, Denise.  My name is Bucky
        Goldstein..."

        I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
        me...  I pushed "1" and he just stood there...  I said, "Hi,
        where you going?"  He said, "Phoenix."  So I pushed Phoenix.  A
        few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
        we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked at him and said, "You
        know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with."  We
        got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.  Then
        the phone rang.  He said, "You get it."  I picked it up and
        said, "Hello?"...  The other side said, "Is this Steven
        Wright?"...  I said, "Yes..."  The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
        Jones, the student loan director from your bank.  It seems you
        have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
        attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned
        you.  We would just like to know what happened to the money?"  I
        said, "Mr.  Jones, I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of
        the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear
        weapon...  and I would appreciate it if you never called me
        again."

        The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
        rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
        a tree.

        I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
        boy, were they mad!

        The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.
        Fred, Barney...

        I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
        act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

        It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
        temperature.

        I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini
        locking his keys in his car.  The other is a rare photograph of
        Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

        I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
        on all the beaches of the world...  perhaps you've seen it.

        I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
        reading.  So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

        Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo.  He got
        pretty good.  He could go under a rug.

        I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
        Notify".  I wrote "Doctor"...  What's my mother going to do?

        I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...  the
        study of milkmen.

        He was a multi-millionaire.  Wanna know how he made all of his
        money?  He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
        put batteries in.

        I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a
        full house and four people died.

        A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to
        go.  You'll just be walking down the street, and...
        ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

        I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends
        went to the funeral in one car.

        I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.  It's
        called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
        Not Raking 'Til Spring."

        My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
        tour.  I said, "the whole time."

        It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
        they'd just stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

        The sun got confused about daylight savings time.  It rose
        twice.  Everything had two shadows.

        I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
        is.  Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
        say, "I think I might have written that."

        When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
        any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"

        Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
        behind his ears.  I think George is weird, because he has false
        teeth.  with braces on them.  George is a radio announcer, and
        when he walks under a bridge...  you can't hear him talk.

        If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
        their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
        and drop it?

        I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said "help wanted".  There
        was another sign below it that said "self service".  So I hired
        myself.  Then I made myself the boss.  I gave myself a raise.  I
        paid myself.  Then I quit.

        Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile
        for a satellite picture.

        I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept
        locking the keys in the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot
        stepladder with a coathanger.

        In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
        roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

        I have a map of the United States...  actual size.  It says,
        "Scale:  1 mile = 1 mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I
        also have a full-size map of the world.  I hardly ever unroll it.

        Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
        he just whipped out a quarter?

        I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"
        taller.

        I'm kinda tired.  I was up all night trying to round off
        infinity.  Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
        lines on curved roads.

        This is my impression of a bowling ball...  (drags the mike
        along the floor, then lifts it)...  gutter...

        I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
        The team scored a touchdown.  They showed the instant replay.
        He thought they scored another one.  I was gonna tell him, but I
        figured the game *he* was watching was better.

        I owed my friend George $25.  For about three weeks I owed it to
        him.  The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
        Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
        up.  He said, "Gimme all your money."  I said, "Wait a minute."
        I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."  The the
        thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
        it to George.  At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars
        from George.
        ___________________________________

        From:  rods@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt)
        Date:  22 Jan 1990
        Subject:  FAKE Steven Wright jokes      [original; edited]
        Newsgroups:  rec.humor

        Here are my categories, with examples (his):

        ENGLISH:

        I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when
        suddenly the prescription ran out.

        I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.

        REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:

        I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.
        The weatherman on TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot
        today."

        I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
        reading.  Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
        If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
        light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
        He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."

        SIMILARITY / ANALOGY:

        I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had
        a kaleidoscope.  "We're surrounded."

        I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake.  I didn't
        notice until I got it set up.  People complained because they
        couldn't see the lake.

        WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS:

        When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
        age in a year.  I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
        I'll be ninety.

        Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how
        much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

        IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION):

        I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in
        time.

        It's a fine night to have an evening.

        Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

        SELF:

        I can't stop thinking like this.

        This isn't all true.

        You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
        get to the top, and you think there's one more step?  I'm like
        that all the time.

        NAAAHH:

        I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

        Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

        TRIVIALIZATION:

        Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They
        lay there and looked at each other.  Their families came and
        took them away.  Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
        they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
        other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So.  What did
        you think?"

        My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or
        numbers.  He says it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it
        was.  You can guess what he told me.
        ___________________________________

        These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt:

        I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know
        what to feed it.

        I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate.  Then I took it to
        a potluck.  I stood in line for some cake.  They said, "Do you
        want white cake or chocolate cake?"  I said, "Yes".

        My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if
        I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

        I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

        I had amnesia once or twice.

        I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.

        I got a chain letter by fax.  It's very simple.  You just fax a
        dollar bill to everybody on the list.

        My friend Sam has one leg.  I went to his house.  I couldn't go
        up the stairs.

        The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every
        morning.  The sky must get awfully crowded.

        I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm
        Narcissus.

        I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
        thinks he can get me five.

        You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
        in the mail, and then you remember it really is?  I'm like that
        all the time.

        How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

        The sky already fell.  Now what?

        I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I wear my liver on my pant leg.

        I still have my Christmas Tree.  I looked at it today.  Sure
        enough, I couldn't see any forests.

        If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
        fan club?

        When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
        ankle.  A little old lady had to help me across the street.

        If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
        think you're Shakespeare?

        Smoking cures weight problems...  eventually...

        I had fried octopus last night.  You have to be really quiet
        when you eat it.  Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and
        falls on the floor.

        Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.  It said, "what
        for?"

        I xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.

        I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in
        only ten minutes.

        I eat swiss cheese.  But I only nibble on it.  I make the holes
        bigger.

        I moved into an all-electric house.  I forgot and left the porch
        light on all day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

        I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.

        You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
        experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
        part of the experiment?  I'm like that all the time.

        I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
        "What are you making?"  "A salt lick."

        There aren't enough days in the weekend.

        My friend Sally is a nudist.  I went to her house.  The closets
        have no doors.  The walls are covered with see-through
        wallpaper.

        Sally plays strip poker.  Whenever she loses, she has to put
        something on.

        The sky is falling...  no, I'm tipping over backwards.

        Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

        Is "tired old cliche" one?

        If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a
        monkey?

        if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
        joke?

        It only rains straight down.  God doesn't do windows.

        When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a
        two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

        The sign said "eight items or less".  So I changed my name to
        Les.

        Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.  I asked it why.
        It told me it was none of my business.

        I rented a lottery ticket.  I won a million dollars.  But I had
        to give it back.

        In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends
        with a period.  Every crime ends with a sentence.

        I xeroxed my watch.  Now I can give away free watches.

        I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.

        I took a course in speed reading.  Then I got Reader's Digest on
        microfilm.  By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

        Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for.  You put them on
        doughbolts.  They hold dough airplanes together.  For kids, they
        make erector sets out of play-dough.

        I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
        found spirit gum.

        I went to a garage sale.  "How much for the garage?"  "It's not
        for sale."

        I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.

        I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates
        New York.

        A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and
        returned a cup of sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."

        I had my coathangers spayed.

        I washed a sock.  Then I put it in the dryer.  When I took it
        out, it was gone.

        The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to
        Alaska.  Now Santa Claus is missing.

        I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The
        headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

        Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

        I took lessons in bicycle riding.  But I could only afford half
        of them.  Now I can ride a unicycle.
        ___________________________________

        Date:  1 Sep 91
        From:  kirlik@chmsr.gatech.edu (Alex Kirlik)    [more look-alikes]

        I got a calculator and now I can't add without it.  I got a
        spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore.  I got a
        blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.

        Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.
        Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

        I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same
        thing.  Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three
        miles late for his meetings.

        I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company.  All of the trees
        were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick.  We made paneling.

        Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.  I
        said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket."  She said, "I'll
        be the one drinking sake."  Turned out it was one of those
        biker-sushi places.  We never met.

        Wrote my own communications software in LISP.  Got a phone bill
        for a thousand dollars.  My computer keeps calling itself.

        Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.  I said,
        "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex."  Never
        found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
        ___________________________________

        And here's one from arensb@cvl.umd.edu (Andrew Arensburger):

        I spent all my money on a FAX machine.  Now I can only FAX
        collect.

        And from cth@hpfcso (CT Hart):

        What are imitation rhinestones?

        If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

        If God dropped acid, would he see people?
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:52:11 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      SEX

                        Your Favorite Color is the
                        Key to Your Sexual Life

        The cloths you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all
give clues to your sexual personality.  The key is the colors you select for
your possessions.  Most people claim they haven't a favorite color.  But look
around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home
decor.  The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently
- - -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you.  A panel of psychologists,
speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association
between color and sexual patterns.


        RED:  People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack.  They are
easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable.  Once the sexual spark
is
ignited, it may take hours to extinguish.  When two reds get together, the
ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush.  Lovers of red tend to be
aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

        YELLOW:  If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex
and turn toward the adaptable.  The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow.
But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is queer.  In most cases the
person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. 
You
will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an
invitation
from somebody you enjoy or admire.

      PINK:  Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual
matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver.  In
some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate
men.  A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink.  Men
who like pink are the philanderers and flirts.  They are the type who will
make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up
a
dish in some bar instead.  Women whose husbands like pink should keep a
secret
nest egg.

        PURPLE:  Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too
sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack.  Women sometimes are the type who
hate to mess their hair.  Men are business-like in their approach to
lovemaking.
In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than
anyone else's gratification.

        BLACK:  Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily
meaning black partners).  These people are the misfits of the sex world and
seek out each other in kinship.  They tend to prefer perverted sex and are
usually masochistic or sadistic in nature.  They are moody people and often
perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times.  Police
psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black.  And it is no
coincidence that the uniform of mosters and teenage gangs is black attire.

  GREEN:  Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their
approach to sex.  Women who love green will always make love like virgins all
their life.  And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a
charming and endearing sort of way.  Green lovers are gentle, but not
passionate.  If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

        ORANGE:  Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies.  The
sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star.
Foreplay is as important as the act of love.  They whisper sweet nothings,
meaningless dialogue;  they feel it is their image.  Orange people often do
not
experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act.  Men tend to pull their
partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

        BROWN:  If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate.
Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of
their partners.  Sex is a 24 hour a day thing.  Where you can't say "I love
you" often enough.  Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching
snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown.  They need lots
of
time and privacy to make love.  But their emotions are such that one harsh
word
could end the affair.

        GREY:  The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive.  They
can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a
noncommittal shade.  Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving
tension -- but nothing more, nothing less.  It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
Women don't make love, they have intercourse.  And for one of two reasons
only:
to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant.  They count the cracks in
the
bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done.  But when teamed with
another color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing.
When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.

        BLUE:  Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners.  They are sinners,
affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs.  They consider love
making
a fine art and their approach is elegant.  Men who love blue are like concert
pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand.
Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest.  They are exciting
partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than firery
aggression.  Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of
lovemaking,
as much as the sex act itself.  In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate
- - -- never seeking outside interests.

        WHITE:  If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy.
These people are puritanical in nature.  French kissing is obscene and to make
love in the daylight in unheard of.  Women who love white will undress beneath
the covers.  Men will shower before and after the sex act.  These people still
use pet names for their genitals.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:53:02 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      how to shoot yourself in foot

 ******************************************
 ** How to shoot yourself in the foot: **
 ** Which language is right for you? **
 ******************************************


Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a
blindfold and a last cigarrette.

BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until
your leg is waterlogged and rots off.

BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD
missile
launcher.

C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot.
Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.

COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH
ARM.HAND.FINGER ON
HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN
HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.

cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the
computer and switch to C.

dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and
are
promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of
the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets.

Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of
toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was
anticipated.

Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what
might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.

Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the
gun and your hand is blown off.

PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the data
processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes, and drops
the original on your foot.

Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the
programming manager shoots you in the head.

Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:53:22 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      deep thoughts

                                DEEP THOUGHTS


Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind."  Basically, it's made up of two separate words-"mank" and "ind."
 What do these words mean?  It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to  laugh at
that man.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way.  We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin
Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was
THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap.  The flytrap can bite
and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny
plant teeth.  But some other stuff could happen and it could be like
ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it.  So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I
guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
in the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby?  Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can't scoff at
them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free.  To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To  me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kind of scary.  I've
wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to
the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN
HEAD!!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story?  Something about a clown who
makes
people happy, but inside he's real sad.  Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down.  I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on
the porch?  A jack-o-lantern with a
knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You."  After
that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
the students from just trying to yodel right off.  You see, we build to
that.

If you ever fall off the  Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because
what is that thing?

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.  He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated.  Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the
cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for
you in heaven-with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.  I
remember we'd all pile into the car-I forget what kind it was-and drive and
drive.  I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
there.  The smell of something was
strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.  I remember a
bigger, older guy we called "Dad."  We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I
think we went home.  I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant.  It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks."  Martha said
it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."  I told her she should write in
her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a
joke-just to get out of writing
a simple letter!  And I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse.  "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."  He cried and
cried, but I think that deep down
he thought it was a pretty good joke.  I started to drive over the the real
Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?  You'd be wrong,
though.  It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended because I used the word "puke."  But to me, that's what
her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing.  But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a whore he
picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
how I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell
on me.  Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends
are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.

When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.  After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of
us.  It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures.  They're
sort of like dogs.  Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:54:38 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      Sayings

                      Understanding Your Student


WHAT YOUR STUDENT SAYS                  WHAT YOUR STUDENT
MEANS
- ----------------------                        -----------------------

Your course is too tough                I haven't been doing my homework

Writing exams makes me nervous          I haven't been doing my homework

You're always trying to show us         I'm embarrassed because I'm not
how smart you are                       prepared again

I understand the overall concept        I haven't got a clue about the
of this topic                           current topic

I would like to have had more time      I didn't read it
to study the text

I have some concerns about the          I hope this won't be on the exam
theory upon which this lecture is
based

There are some aspects of the           I sure as hell ain't gonna read that
chapter that I would like to hear       many pages, so maybe you could just
more about                              go over the highlights

Your lectures are not strongly          You mean I have to come to lectures
enough linked to the text               to get the notes?

Your lecture is an interesting          I fell asleep in class
explanation of the text material

You've failed to discuss some of        What do you mean -- read on my own?
the more relevant sections of the
text

I would like you to explain...          I don't know anything about this stuff

Do you have a minute to answer a        Wanna listen to me whine for an hour?
question about the assignment?

The exam was unfair                     I didn't study

I need an extension                     I started this morning and just
                                        realized that I can't finish
                                        it in 3 hours

You're the worst prof I ever had        You make us work hard

The prof I had last semester was        He didn't make us work
much better

I'll never take another course          I've failed out of school
from you again
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:54:05 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      Murphy's Laws

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
--------------------
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is
   to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
   because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
   of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to
   get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
    listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
    same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
    won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
    crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
    caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot
    of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
    than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
    into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
    the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
    four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
    women he couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
    eight are unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
    fall in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:56:08 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      oxymorons, sayings

( A friend sent me this...the reference at the end is, I believe, just a
suggestion, not the source of it (this was put together by someone independ-
ently).. )

{ed Many of these are not what is traditionally called an oxymoron on the
net, but they are mostly worth it.}


OXYMORON

Ancient Greek : Oxus = "sharp"
                Moros = "dull"

"Oxymoron" = a sharp dullness or a foolish wise.

...a self contradicting phrase.
_____

When large numbers of men are unable to find work,
unemployment results.
                       Calvin Coolidge

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort
of thing they like.
                        Abraham Lincoln

That that is is.

Why is this thus ?  What is the reason for this thusness ?

                        Artemus Ward

Ah well, they say its not as bad as they say it is.

Black Light

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Left Handed Screwdrivers.

Striped paint.

Pigeon's milk.

Straight hooks.

Cooking glue.

It was as bad as being up a creek in a barbed wire canoe.

...about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

I want my bedroom painted sky-blue pink.

compulsory volunteers

college student

jumbo shrimp

That shoe fits him like a glove.

I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.

Plastic lemons, rubber bones, bricked-up windows, artificial grass,
plastic flowers, invisible ink.

People have one thing in common: they are all different.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.
                        Mark Twain

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what
it used to be.
                        Paul Valery

When one has good health it is not serious to be ill.
                        Francis Blanche

Is there life before death ?
                        Belfast Graffito

Often it is fatal to live too long.
                        Racine

The first condition of immortality is death.
                        Stanislaw Lec

As famous as the unknown soldier.

Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really
know what's going on.

I must follow the people.  Am I not their leader ?
                        Benjamin Disraeli

The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once.

A commercial traveller was passing through a small town
when he came upon a huge funeral procession.
"Who died?" he asked a nearby local.
"I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think
its the one in the coffin."

The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, only dreams.

He lived his life to the end.

You always find something in the last place you look.

A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe.
"Just lost a shoe ?" she asked.
He answered, "Nope, just found one."

Classified add: For Sale: Man's suit, perfect fit.

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one
trifling exception, is composed of others.
                        John Andrew Holmes

Some painters transform the sun into a yelow spot;
others transform a yellow spot into the sun.
                        Pablo Picasso

Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait.
                        Stanislaw Lec

My play was a complete success.  The audience was a failure.

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
                        Ashleigh Brilliant

A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.
                        Arthur Schoperhauer

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
                        Ambrose Bierce

You can observe a lot just by watchin'.
                        Yogi Berra

In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain.
                        Pliny the Elder

The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never
praising themselves.
                        Wyndham Lewis

I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming
I never made one.
                        James G. Bennet

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that
man can never learn anything from history.
                        George Bernard Shaw

Trapped, like a trap in a trap.
                        Dorothy Parker

I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.
                        Jules Renard

You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself,
and how little I deserve it.
                        W.S. Gilbert

Great Rules for writing from William Safire in the New York Times.

Do not put statements in the negative form.
And don't start sentences with a conjunction.
It is incumbent on one to avoid archaisms.
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal
   of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
De-accession euphemisms.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.

Graffitti seen in Pompeii : Everyone writes on the walls but me.

Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.

Procrastinate now!

I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating.

Young Man: Why do philosophers ask so many questions?
Old Philosopher: Why shouldn't philosophers ask so many questions?

What is the world to a man who's wife is a widow.

A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription:
"When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here."

In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees.  This sudden
rise of temperature was responsible for the intolerable heat.

"Have you lived in this village all your life?"
"No, not yet."

"Who is the oldest inhabitant of this village?"
"We haven't got one; we had one, but he died three weeks ago."

"Hey, somebody cut the end off this rope!"

"Hey, Trixie, what's your earliest memory?"
"Umm... I don't remember!"

Overheard in hotel:
"It's eight o'clock, sir!"
"Why the devil didn't you tell me that before?"

Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
                         Ashleigh Brilliant

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
                         Salvador Dali

Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore.  It's too crowded.

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly
good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
                         Mark Twain

I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground.

Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer:

Quick as a flashlight.

It rolled off my back like a duck.

(When told his son was getting married)
Thank heaven.  A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

A hospital is no place to be sick.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

I can give you a definite perhaps.

(when told a script was full of old cliches)
Let's have some new cliches.

("You say you've never mad a picture before?")
Yes, but that's our strongest weak point.

Gentleman, include me out.

A verbal contract is'nt worth the paper its printed on.

I can tell you in two words: im possible.

(on being told that a friend had named his son Sam, after him)
Why did you do that ?  Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam!

I paid too much for it, but its worth it.

Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you.

I read part of it all the way through.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.

Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue.

Goldwyn: What kind of dancing does Martha Graham do?
Associate: Modern dancing.
Goldwyn: I don't want her then, modern dancing is so old fashioned.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after
they're dead.

Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork we no
            longer need.  May I have your permission to destroy all
            records before 1945?
Goldwyn:    Certainly.  Just be sure to keep a copy of everything.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

(on a film set of a tenement)
Goldwyn  : Why is everything so dirty here?
Director : Because it's supposed to be a slum area.
Goldwyn  : Well, this slum cost a lot of money.  It should look
           better than an ordinary slum.

Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.

That's the trouble with directors - always biting the hand that lays
the golden egg.

Keep a stiff upper chin.

We have all passed a lot of water since then.

... we have that Indian scene.  We can get the Indians from the resevoir.

(in discussing Lillian Helman's play, "The Children's Hour")
Goldwyn   :  Maybe we ought to buy it?
Associate :  Forget it, Mr. Goldwyn, its about Lesbians.
Goldwyn   :  That's okay, we'll make them Americans.

Don't worry about the war.  It's all over but the shooting.

Associate :  Its to caustic for film.
Goldwyn   :  To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it.

More sample and analysis (including a collection of visuals) can be
found in "More on Oxymoron" by Patrick Hughes, 1983, Penguin books.


--
Brendan Kehoe
--
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 11:27:01 -0400
From:         "Steven D. Conniff" <conniff@ANN-ARBOR.APPLICON.SLB.COM>
Subject:      Fletch

Does anyone remember this from "Fletch" with Chevy Chase?


Fletch:  Aren't you going to read my rights?

Crooked cop: Oh yeah, you have the right to have your balls
stomped on by me...you have the right to have your face kicked in by him.

Fletch:  I'll wave my rights.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 11:38:50 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexual yearnings <limerick>

There was a young lady so wild
Who kept herself pure, undefiled,
  By thinking of Jesus,
  Venereal diseases,
And the danger of having a child.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 15:45:00 GMT
From:         "John R. Garrett" <0004716758@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      IF IT'S...

As the academic year winds down, I wonder whether any of you would like to
contribute to this collaborative enterprise: IF IT'S...

IF IT'S    green and wiggles           IT'S     Biology

   IT      stinks                               Chemistry

   YOU     can't understand it                  Math

   IT      doesn't work                         Physics

   IT      doesn't make sense                   Economics

   IT      doesn't work and blows up            Computer Science

   YOU     can't remember what it is            History...History

   YOU     have no idea what it is but are

           too embarrassed to ask               Anthropology

   IT's    intiutively obvious                  Psychology

   IT'S    intuitively wrong                    Economics

More, please!

John Garrett
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 13:01:04 -0400
From:         Richard <richard@ERICIR.SYR.EDU>
Subject:      Lawyers  pg13

Q:  How are sperm and lawyers alike?

A:  Only one in a million does the right thing.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 11:07:02 -0600
From:         "Computer Center Ext. 6839" <DION@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      May be offensive to dwarfs

Q:  What do you call a 60 lb midget with 30 lb balls?
A:  Half nuts!!!

Q:  What is yellow and smells like bananas?
A:  Monkey vomit!!!

========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 13:28:30 EDT
From:         Wally Veale <WVEALE@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      This Joke Rated PG13

Why are policemen's balls bigger than firemen's balls?

Because they sell more tickets.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 13:27:45 +0501
From:         William Turner <turner@GIBBS.OIT.UNC.EDU>
Subject:      Re: IF IT'S...

IF                              IT'S

   YOU fall asleep                      music theory

   Tu no comprendas                     Spanish

   you lose all track of
   time and don't know where
   you are                              A Faulkner class

   you feel your final was judged
   unfairly because you disagreed
   with your teacher on political
   issues.                              an art class

   u fale and your teacher ain't
   tellin you Y                         an  English class
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 11:50:41 CDT
From:         Dan Hanson <abe2@EDUC.UCALGARY.CA>
Subject:      bit racist but can be applyed to any one...

        Two men were in a courtroom and the judge asks the first
guy "Do you know this person?"

The first guy responds with "Judge you ask me if I know this guy
and I will answer you but first I need to tell a little story.
One day while I was riding my camel across the desert this man
stepped out from behind a sand dune and said "get off the camel." I
got of the camel.  He than said "Give me your water"  I gave him
my water, He said "undress" I said "undress?" he said "undress!!"
I undressed, he said "shit" I said "shit?" he said "shit!!" I
shat (?), next he said "eat it" I said "eat it?" he said EAT
IT!!"  I ate.

I said "look behind you"  he looked.  I grabbed the guns and I
said "get off the camel" he got off, I said "give me your water"
he gave it to me.  I said "undress" he said "undress?" I said
"undress!!"  he undressed.  I said "shit" he said "shit?" I said
"shit!!"  he shat.  I said "eat it" he said "eat it?" I said "EAT
IT!!" he ate.

Now Judge you ask me if I know this man and I must say yes I do,
we did lunch."

I know it is tasteless but I think it is funny...

========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 13:00:08 -0600
From:         Debby Romero <D_ROMERO@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      GOLF JOKE

JESUS IS OUT PLAYING GOLF AND IS AIMING FOR A HOLE IN ONE. 
HE SWINGS AND COMES
WITHING SIX INCHES OF THE HOLE.  THE NEXT GOLFER COMES UP
AND SLICES THE BALL
TO THE FAR RIGHT WHERE A RABBIT PICKS IT UP AND IS HOPPING
ALONG WHEN AN EAGLE
SWOOPES DOWN AND DEVOURS THE RABBIT--BALL AND ALL.  ON
HIS FLIGHT THE EAGLE IS
STRUCK BY LIGHTING WHICH SHOOTS THE BALL DIRECTLY INTO
THE HOLE FOR A
HOLE-IN-ONE.  JESUS REPLIES "GEE, DAD, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
GET MAD!"
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 15:37:25 -0400
From:         Richard <richard@ERICIR.SYR.EDU>
Subject:      The three great lies

There are three great lies, I can remember only two.

1. The check is in the mail.
2. I will respect you in the morning.
3. (Can anyone help with the third???)
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:41:56 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      Laws

                        List of Laws

Anthony's Law of Force:
   Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
   Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
   corner of the workshop.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
   (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
   (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
   (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

Arthur's Laws of Love:
(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
   remind them of someone else.
(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
   delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
   yourself in person.

Bagdikian's Observation:
   Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
   newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St.  Matthew Passion"
   on a ukelele.

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
   A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
   by governors.

Barach's Rule:
   An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
   physician.

Baruch's Observation:
   If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Beifeld's Principle:
   The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
   receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
   he is already in the company of:
      (1) a date,
      (2) his wife,
      (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

Boling's postulate:
   If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.

Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
   Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
   vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
   Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Boob's Law:
   You always find something in the last place you look.

Boren's Laws:
   (1) When in charge, ponder.
   (2) When in trouble, delegate.
   (3) When in doubt, mumble.

Bradley's Bromide:
   If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
   committee -- that will do them in.

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
   When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
   easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
   Ranger have handled this?"

Brewer's Observation:
   No good deed goes unpunished.

Brook's Law:
   Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Brooke's Law:
   Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
   discovers something which either abolishes the system or
   expands it beyond recognition.

Bucy's Law:
   Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Cahn's Axiom:
   When all else fails, read the instructions.

Captain Penny's Law:
   You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
   the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

Chism's Law of Completion:
   The amount of time required to complete a government project
   is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
   When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.

Churchill's Commentary on Man:
   Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
   time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Colvard's Logical Premises:
   All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it
   won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
   This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
   attracted to.

Conway's Law:
   In any organization, there will always be one person who knows
   what's going on; This person must be fired.

Corollaries:
   1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
   2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you
       really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Denniston's Law:
   Virtue is its own punishment.

DeVries's Dilemma:
   If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
   hits the paper.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
   The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in
   front of your eyes.

Ducharm's Axiom:
   If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
   yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept:
   Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
   Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what
   we can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
   If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
   Corollary:  If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget
   where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination:
   Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
   there is nothing important to do.

Finagle's Creed:
   Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's First Law:
   If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Second Law:
   No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
   someone eager to
   (a) misinterpret it,
   (b) fake it, or
   (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

Finagle's Third Law:
   In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
   beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

Finagle's Fourth Law:
   Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
   makes it worse.

Finster's Law:
   A closed mouth gathers no feet.

First Law of Bicycling:
   No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
   wind.

First Law of Procrastination:
   Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
   for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
   imposed the deadline).

First Law of Socio-Genetics:
   Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Rule of History:
   History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
   other.

Flon's Law:
   There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
   the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Flugg's Law:
   When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
   world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
   The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
   instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
   Corollary:
      Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
      except study for that instructor's course.

Fourth Law of Revision:
   It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
   interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
   you.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
   Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
   meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
   Theorem.  To wit:
   1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
   2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
   3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can
   quit the game.

Fresco's Discovery:
   If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
   Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
   1.  An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
       direction.
   2.  An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
   3.  The energy required to change either one of these states
       will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
       much as to make the task totally impossible.

Ginsberg's Theorem:
   1.  You can't win.
   2.  You can't break even.
   3.  You can't even quit the game.

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
   Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
   probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
   some useful work done.

Glyme's Formula for Success:
   The secret to success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that,
   you've got it made.

Gold's Law:
   If the shoe fits, it's ugly

Goldenstern's Rules:
   1.  Always hire a rich attorney
   2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.

Gordian Maxim:
   If a string has one end, it has another.

Grabel's Law:
   2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.

Grandpa Charnock's Law:
   You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Gray's Law of Programming:
   `n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the
   same time as `n' tasks.

Green's Law of Debate:
   Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking
   about.

Greener's Law:
   Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Grelb's Reminder:
   Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
   average drivers.

H.  L.  Mencken's Law:
   Those who can -- do.  Those who can't -- teach.
   Martin's Extension:
      Those who cannot teach -- administrate.

Hacker's Law:
   The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
   nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Hall's Laws of Politics:
   (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
   (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
       fixed.
   (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
       military spending, and conservatives social spending in
       their own districts).

Hanlon's Razor:
   Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained
   by stupidity.

Hanson's Treatment of Time:
   There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many
   days before Saturday.

Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
   Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
   ruined.

Harrison's Postulate:
   For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Hartley's First Law:
   You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
   on his back, you've got something.

Hartley's Second Law:
   Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Harvard Law:
   Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
   temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
   organism will do as it damn well pleases.

Heller's Law:
   The first myth of management is that it exists.

Hlade's Law:
   If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
   will find an easier way to do it.

Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
   Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to
   get out.

Hofstadter's Law:
   It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
   Hofstadter's Law into account.

Horngren's Observation:
   Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Howe's Law:
   Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
   The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to
   .....  to ........  uh ..............

Jacquin's Postulate:
   No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
   legislature is in session.

Johnson's Corollary:
   Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
   organization.

Kramer's Law:
   You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the
   track.

Lieberman's Law:
   Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
   `n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `n' trivial tasks.

Lynch's Law:
   When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Mason's First Law of Synergism:
   The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a
   glut.

Meade's Maxim:
   Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like
   everyone else.

Muir's Law:
   When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched
   to everything else in the universe.

Naeser's Law:
   You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
   damnfoolproof.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
   Cleanliness is next to impossible

Oliver's Law of Location:
   No matter where you go, there you are.

Putt's Law:
   Technology is dominated by two types of people:  Those who
   understand what they do not manage.  Those who manage what
   they do not understand.

Ralph's Observation:
   It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you
   are in a hurry.
   Corollary:
      On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first
      strike your toes.

Sausage Principle:
   People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch
   either one being made.

Stewart's law of Retroaction:
   It's easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.

FIRST LAW OF ADVICE:
  The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.

FIRST LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
  The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator.

SECOND LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
  The information conveyed is less important than the impression.

FIRST LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
  Change is the status quo.

SECOND LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
  Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

THIRD LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
  A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by
it.

SECOND LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
  Any decision is better than no decision.

THIRD LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
  A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered.

THIRD LAW OF SURVIVAL:
  To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

FIFTH LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
   Decisions are justified by the benefits to the organization,
   but they are MADE by considering the benefits to the
   decision-makers.

PARALLELS TO MURPHY'S LAW:
   Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
   Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers.
   Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.

PUTTS-BROOKS LAW:
   Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.

Paul Dickson's THE OFFICIAL RULES, with its sequel THE OFFICIAL
EXPLANATIONS.  I quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability":

(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

(2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

(3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.

(4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the
resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.

(5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their
inherent unreliability.

(6) The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a
key to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.

(7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are finite.

(8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is
impossible.

(9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.




                  Augustine's Laws

Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta
has written a book (available in paperback) called "Augustine's Laws"in which
he succinctly sums up the pitfalls that confront business managers today.

LAW NUMBER I:
   The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
   with a silk sow.  The same is true of money.

LAW NUMBER II:
   If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it
   would probably be twice as good as yesterday was.

LAW NUMBER  III:
   There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.

LAW NUMBER  IV:
   If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.

LAW NUMBER V:
   One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the
   output.  Increasing the number of participants merely reduces
   the average output.

LAW NUMBER VI:
   A hungry dog hunts best.  A hungrier dog hunts even better.

LAW NUMBER VII:
   Decreased business base increases overhead.  So does increased
   business base.

LAW NUMBER VIII:
   The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a
   cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic.

LAW NUMBER IX:
   Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum
   extent possible to make trivial ideas
   profound...........Q.E.D.

LAW NUMBER X:
   Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
   People do not win people fights; lawyers do.

LAW NUMBER XI:
   If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers
   would get twice as much done.  If the Earth could be made to
   rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as
   much done since all the managers would fly off.

LAW NUMBER XII:
   It costs a lot to build bad products.

LAW NUMBER XIII:
   There are many highly successful businesses in the United
   States.  There are also many highly paid executives.  The
   policy is not to intermingle the two.

LAW NUMBER XIV:
   After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes.  There
   will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy
   100 percent of every airplane's weight.

LAW NUMBER XV:
   The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the
   cost and two-thirds of the problems.

LAW NUMBER XVI:
   In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just
   one aircraft.  This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air
   Force and Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year,
   when it will be made available to the Marines for the extra
   day.

LAW NUMBER XVII:
   Software is like entropy.  It is difficult to grasp, weighs
   nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it
   always increases.

LAW NUMBER XVIII:
   It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability.  It is not
   uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten
   for each factor of ten degradation accomplished.

LAW NUMBER XIX:
   Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase,
   there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to
   fix them.

LAW NUMBER XX:
   In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of
   funding approved the prior yearplus three-fourths of whatever
   change the administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.

LAW NUMBER XXI:
   It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.

LAW NUMBER XXII:
   If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying
   stock, not selling advice.

LAW NUMBER XXIII:
   Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
   currently estimated.

LAW NUMBER XXIV:
   The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
   established project is accelerating it, which is itself the
   most costly action known to man.

LAW NUMBER XXV:
   A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an
   athlete or a new canvas to an artist.

LAW NUMBER XXVI:
   If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed
   on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to
   chance.

LAW NUMBER XXVII:
   Rank does not intimidate hardware.  Neither does the lack of
   rank.

LAW NUMBER XXVIII:
   It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.

LAW NUMBER XXIX:
   Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to
   their jobs only about five years.  Those who produce effective
   results hang on about half a decade.

LAW NUMBER XXX:
   By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the
   answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the
   questions.

LAW NUMBER XXXI:
   The optimum committee has no members.

LAW NUMBER XXXII:
   Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent
   means of turning problems into gold -- your problems into
   their gold.

LAW NUMBER XXXIII:
   Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.

LAW NUMBER XXXIV:
   The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform
   work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all
   distributed randomly.

LAW NUMBER XXXV:
   The weaker the data available upon which to base one's
   conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted
   in order to give the data authenticity.

LAW NUMBER XXXVI:
   The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion
   dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars.
   If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on
   top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would
   probably be a good idea.

LAW NUMBER XXXVII:
   Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you
   expect.  The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to
   expect so much.

LAW NUMBER XXXVIII:
   The early bird gets the worm.
   The early worm....gets eaten.

LAW NUMBER XXXIX:
   Never promise to complete any project within six months of the
   end of the year -- in either direction.

LAW NUMBER XL:
   Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.

LAW NUMBER XLI:
   The more one produces, the less one gets.

LAW NUMBER XLII:
   Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite
   testing.

LAW NUMBER XLIII:
   Hardware works best when it matters the least.

LAW NUMBER XLIV:
   Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a
   westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones
   to provide the additional hours needed to fix the broken
   electronics.

LAW NUMBER XLV:
   One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
   unexpected should have been expected.

LAW NUMBER XLVI:
   A billion saved is a billion earned.

LAW NUMBER XLVII:
   Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water.  The
   other third is covered with auditors from headquarters.

LAW NUMBER XLVIII:
   The more time you spend talking about what you have been
   doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have
   been talking about.  Eventually, you spend more and more time
   talking about less and less until finally you spend all your
   time talking about nothing.

LAW NUMBER XLIX:
   Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.

LAW NUMBER L:
   The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
   chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four
   times as long as the official's who created it.

LAW NUMBER LI:
   By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be
   more government workers than there are workers.

LAW NUMBER LII:
   People working in the private sector should try to save money.
   There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable
   again.

                   More of Murphy's Laws

 *  A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

 *  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 *  A free agent is anything but.

 *  As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline rencounters
    turbulence.

 *  Exceptions always outnumber rules.

 *  Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.

 *  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 *  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 *  He who hesitates is probably right.

 *  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 *  If enough data is collected, anyghing may be proven by  statistical
methods.

 *  If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.

 *  If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
    unreasonable.

 *  If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

 *  Interchangable parts won't.

 *  Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

 *  Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
    weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

 *  Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
    price.

 *  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

 *  No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
    session.

 *  No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.

 *  No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 *  One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

 *  People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
    them being made.

 *  Progress is made on alternative Fridays.

 *  Quality assurance dosen't.

 *  Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

 *  The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

 *  The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

 *  The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

 *  The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
    butter.

 *  The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

 *  The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

 *  The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

 *  The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

 *  The one item you want is never the one on sale.

 *  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 *  The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
    keys.

 *  The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't
really
    know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

 *  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research

 *  To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.

 *  Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.

 *  Two wrongs are only the beginning.

 *  When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
    illegible.

 *  When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
    weeks to clear.  When there are insufficient funds, checks clear
overnight.

 *  When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
    while all other coins will roll out of sight.

 *  Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level
of
    incompetence.

 *  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 *  You never want the one you can afford.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:43:37 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

 1
 "We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your
 name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number
and
 we'll get back to, pending credit approval."

 2
 "You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle
 Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone,
 please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch
 as soon as we can. And have a nice day."

 3
 "Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you
 leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."

 4
 [imitating Ensign Chekov]
 "Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he kept us
 from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your
 name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!" <BEEP>

 5
 [imitating Mr. Rogers]
 "Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone.
 Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
 Sure...I knew you could." <BEEP>

 6
 Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
 Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
 Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
 Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
 Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
 Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
 Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with
 that frying pan?!?
 BONK [really loud thud]
 Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

 7
 "Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"

8
"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please.
 Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window
breaking)
 Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."

 9
 "Finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
 Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why
 it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"

10
 A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while
 the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
 1: Room 17, the final frontier.
 2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester
 mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number.
 3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

 11
 (Annoying flute music in background)
 Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now.
 Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number,
 and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty
 seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

 12
 "Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now,
 but if you leave your name ...", etc.

 13
 "Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
 right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll
 have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next
 week's National Enquirer."

 14
 In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music
 <In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a
 confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short
 confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may
 God go with you. <Beep>

 15
 Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
 message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

 16
 A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
 beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely,
 horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF
RIGHT
 NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO
YOU WHEN I'M FEELING
 BETTER."

 17
 I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
 reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
 first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer
 the phone with:
 " Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
 " Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
 " Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
 " Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
 T minus one minute and counting"
 And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of
 the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with
 that phone.
- "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is
 a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on
 screen?" (silence...click)
 "Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are
 phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had
 managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.


 18
 ----------------------------------------------------
 This is one of my old ones that got a lot of laughs:
 <Phone Rings>
 Noisy pick-up of phone
 Uh...<wisperingly> Hello?
 Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.
 If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige
 where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?

 19----------------------------------------------------
 But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message. Leave
 a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 10am just
 so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up
 without even leaving a "like your message" message. Feh!

 20----------------------------------------------------
 [Must have good Australian accent]
 G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this
 crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

 21----------------------------------------------------
 This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
 number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is
 supercilious    ...}

 22----------------------------------------------------
 Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
 and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

 23----------------------------------------------------
 Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
 "This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." Really confused
 people.

 24----------------------------------------------------
 A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
 in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future..

 25------------------------------------------------
-Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T
STAND ON
 THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over<loud
music
 cuts in>...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for dinner.
After the
 tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...shit...Leave
a message
 after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...<beep>

 26------------------------------------------------
 Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not
 programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will
 get back to you as soon as possible.

 27_________________________________________________
 My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
 name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

 28------------------------------------------------
 Ring, Ring:
 The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new
number
 is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!

 29------------------------------------------------
 "Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your
name
 here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in
 his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."

 30------------------------------------------------
 One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a rather
 interesting one:
 Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and
MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's
 room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark
 isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a messssssssage.
 Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating at all different
pitches}

 31------------------------------------------------
 Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing
message.
 Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we usually used
 during exam time was:
 {background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud} Hello. You have
reached
 Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now... { BJ screams PRESSURE!!!
}
 So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end date)
 { BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune
BEEP! }

 32------------------------------------------------
 My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded off
 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great
 recording (call after 5 pm for the message).

 [Give it try! -pZ]

 33------------------------------------------------
-<Ring>
 In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.
 <Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure
 palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll
 get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep>
 You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...

 34------------------------------------------------
 [b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
 "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer because
 we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave a message..."
 etc.

 35------------------------------------------------
 [the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
 (after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. We can't come to
 the phone right now because we're at vespers. Please leave a message..." etc.
 (30 more seconds of music before the beep.)

 36------------------------------------------------
 (Spoken in a granny voice)

 "Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no
 ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home.
 Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a
 lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot."
 Must be spoken in a drawl.

 37------------------------------------------------
 Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
 >From Calvin and Hobbes:
 (phone rings)
 (you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza
 with extra anchovies.
 (other person) What?
 (you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
 (hang up)
 Make everyone's day a little more surreal.

 39------------------------------------------------
 "I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking
 and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise,
 well, what can I say?

 40------------------------------------------------
 In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!,
 smashing box of kleenex] But this method doesn't work with a telephone
 call...-[sound effect: dial tone] Introducing the all-new GINSU answering
 machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How
 much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and
number
 when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY
FREE!

 41------------------------------------------------
 "Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a
 message and if we like it we will return your call".

 42------------------------------------------------
 However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day
 per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please
 leave a message or call back after the holiday." No one wants to admit not
 having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday
 from the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and
 leaves me no bad news or requests for favors.

 43------------------------------------------------
 "This is David. Talk."

 44------------------------------------------------
 "Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
 sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.
 When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one."

 45------------------------------------------------
 [with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...]
 "Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached..."
 [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name
and number, and
 we will get back to you as soon as we can."

 46------------------------------------------------
 "Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds,
 I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
 name and number..."

 47------------------------------------------------
 "Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if
 you leave a message, he'll get back to you."

 48------------------------------------------------
 (woman taped off a "phone sex" service)
 WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely
when
 you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ...

 YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..(then ask for
 a message)

 49------------------------------------------------
 Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine:
 "Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed
 in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is
 sure to get it eventually." BEEP
 My favorite post quake message:
 "Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING!
 Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."

 50------------------------------------------------
 "Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
 If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you.
 Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage
 with a vacuum cleaner."

 51------------------------------------------------
 Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second
 while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music,
 which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about
 that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're
 talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.
 (this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she
 had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)

 52------------------------------------------------
 "Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because
 I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of
 antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy
 release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message
 at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have
 been restored to their normal charges."

 53------------------------------------------------
 "Speak, worm!" <beep>
 Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.

 54------------------------------------------------
 "You know what to do at the tone." <beep>

 55------------------------------------------------
 "Hello?" <beep>
 This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.

 56------------------------------------------------
 "Hello, I'm not here." <beep>
 A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with "Okay,
 that's all I wanted to know."

 57------------------------------------------------
 Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this
 is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's
 the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls
 at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and
 you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah
 that's it. <beep>

 58------------------------------------------------
 (in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
 "Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff
 a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little...
 <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name
and a message.
 If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_ from_Guido! ( a
 little laughter )... "

 59------------------------------------------------
 (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental
accompaniment)
 I just left home baby
 I'll be out fer a spell
 and if you don't leave a message baby
 you can go to <BEEP>

 60------------------------------------------------
 Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and in a few
 moments, I'll have a decision to make.
 BEEEP!

 61------------------------------------------------
 [Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
 You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone
 right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name
 and number, and we'll get back to you.
 [Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.]

 62------------------------------------------------
 Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
 speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
 magnets.

 63------------------------------------------------
 One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten
 crying in the background, and the voice goes:
 The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply,
 and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you
 leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The
 choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

 64------------------------------------------------
 FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL.
KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
 THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...... ~~~

 65------------------------------------------------
 Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's
 commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear a... er... shalt not
 witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not
 commit a bear... dern...

 66------------------------------------------------
 How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
 instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...

-67------------------------------------------------
 I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone
 now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm
 doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess
 it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh.
 This is so confusing.

 68------------------------------------------------
 I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have
 there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering
 machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a
 call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play
 my beep for you...

 69------------------------------------------------
 Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep!
 If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

 70------------------------------------------------
 After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.
 I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

 71------------------------------------------------
 Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
 test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

 72------------------------------------------------
 As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You
 begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the telephone is next to an
 answering machine... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the
 answering machine... you hear a beep...

 73------------------------------------------------
 You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
 now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
 suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
 leave your name, number, and a message.

 74------------------------------------------------
 No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the
beep!
 Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 75------------------------------------------------
 This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
 This is only a test.

 76------------------------------------------------
 Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is
 the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

-77------------------------------------------------
 [Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
 Leave a message... leave a message... etc.

 78------------------------------------------------
 Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so
 after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
 your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
 words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my
 diagnosis as soon as possible.

 79------------------------------------------------
 [For Shakespeare lovers only]
 So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
 So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

 80------------------------------------------------
 [VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
 [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

 81------------------------------------------------
 I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing
 up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you
 just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and
how
 much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the
 Treasury, please ignore this message.

 82------------------------------------------------
 Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here
 right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the
 tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And
 remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in
 vivid, graphic detail!

 83------------------------------------------------
 Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well,
 your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to
 Vanna White. Sorry.

 84------------------------------------------------
 C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little
 beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this --
 beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

 85------------------------------------------------
 I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
 talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me
 out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

 86------------------------------------------------
 I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
 Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of
 them will get back to you.

 87------------------------------------------------
 Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy.
 After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return
 your call as soon as possible.

 88------------------------------------------------
 Ok, One more time...
 This is our answering machine...
 This is the message on our answering machine...
 ...Any questions?

 89------------------------------------------------
 Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry, I must have dialed
 the wrong number.

 90------------------------------------------------
 <beep, beep, beep>
 The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four.
 [Use your number here.] has not been disconnected and is still in service.
 Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.

 91------------------------------------------------
 HANS: This is Hans
 FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
 BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
 HANS: But we are not at home, you know
 FRANZ: Ya, we are gone
 HANS: If you want us to...
 BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
 HANS: You will leave a message after the beep
 FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
 HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know
 FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to..
 BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up

 92------------------------------------------------
 "Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY!
 They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
 somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU*
 saw Elvis!"

 93------------------------------------------------
 "Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you
can
 talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in between sports
 seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the
Portland
 Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped
 by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide
 whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me
 live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the
 beep. "

 94------------------------------------------------
 In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an
 imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety degrees
 and try your call again."
 A few people even got the joke...

 95------------------------------------------------
 "You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center.
 Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey.
 TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume
 incoming, non-important."

 96------------------------------------------------
 "Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"
 "Lucifer speaking, who in the hell do you want?"
 "Heaven, God speaking."
 "Bridge, Kirk here."
 "City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"

 97------------------------------------------------
 "Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to
 answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number,
 and short description of secrets you wish to sell."

 98------------------------------------------------
 "I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they here a
 busy signal."

 99------------------------------------------------
 If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come to the
 phone right now.
 Otherwise, we probably aren't at home.

 100------------------------------------------------
 The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!


-101------------------------------------------------
 This is you-know who.
 We are you-know-where.
 Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

 102------------------------------------------------
 " I'm Morley Safer."
 "I'm Harry Reasoner."
 "I'm ........
 "And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was> " We're not home;
leave
 a message."
 He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded very funny.

 103------------------------------------------------
 "Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Khan's Pornographic Films Unlimited.
 Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential
 leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature
 film "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use
 It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please
 leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief
 summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief
 summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs,
 and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling."

 104------------------------------------------------
 Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch and
 speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound like the
 machine is broken:
 (start, low pitch, slow)
 "Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....
 (middle, normal)
 ..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...
 (later, high pitch, fast)
 ..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
 (end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
 ..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!"

 105------------------------------------------------
 This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording
 device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and
 a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

 106------------------------------------------------
 "E'llo."
 "My name is Inigo Montonya."
 "You killed my father."
 "Leave your name and number, and prepare to die."
- <beep>

 107------------------------------------------------
 My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also from
 this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something like:

 "I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me
 how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity."

 108------------------------------------------------
 The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's
 speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two distinct, but
 recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself,
 but have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.
 -----
 1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
 2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!
 1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave
 your name and telephone number...
 2> ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
 1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you
 hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people
 get back.
 2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

 109------------------------------------------------
 I taped theoperator saying "we're sorry. The number you have reached has
 been disconnected or is no longer is service..."

 109------------------------------------------------
 From Halloween this year:
 (Ominous electronic background music.)
 Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable
 pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin, in which
 case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

 110------------------------------------------------
(French monologue in the background)
 Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or
 second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out
 French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and
 remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

 111------------------------------------------------
 Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my
 answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card
 number at the tone...

 112------------------------------------------------
 Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic
 membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea"
 T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

 113------------------------------------------------
 (click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
 patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this
 is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of _your_ voice for
 literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for
 this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists
 will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of
 our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
 clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)

 114-------------------------------------------
 Message: Hi this is Craig's car phone. Craig's at home now, so you can try
 calling him there or leave a message after the beep.
 Caller's message: Hmmm. Car phone!?! I'll call back later when your out.

 115------------------------------------
 Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing
 companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some
 kind. The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you
 alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.
 One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her
 answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious,
 as it consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the
 slightest idea about what each other was saying. The conversation wound up in
 an endless loop, as follows:
 [PHONE] *RING*
 [ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message.
BEEEEEP."
 [PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone
 survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak
 plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it.
-First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 (The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought it
 was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)
 [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 [PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was
443-28347-47756-377764-22222. Is
 that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 [PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."
 [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 [PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEEP."
 [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 [--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]
 [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."
 [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 [PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."
 [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 [PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."

 [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 [---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]
 My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over
 half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she
 discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over
 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer never
 called again.

 115----------------------------------------------------
 I had a friend who liked to play with the phones. He got his girlfriend to
 sound like an operator and make a tape saying: "I'm sorry, the number that
 has dialed you is not in service. Will you please hang up and let it dial
 again...<crackle> I'm sorry, the..." He had a lot of fun calling people up
 and playing it.

-116----------------------------------------------------
 I once answered the phone as follows.
 " San Luis Obispo Police, Sergeant McCallahan here, may I help you?"
 After about five seconds of dead air, I heard a click. About five minutes
 later, the phone rang again. This time my roomate answered. It was the same
 person that had called a few minutes earlier. It turned out that the long
 delay between calls was due to the fact that he had to mooch a quarter for
 his next call. He was at a public phone booth and had used his last quarter
 to call us. I don't think he talked civil to me for a week...

 117----------------------------------------------------
 My grandmother had been bothered by calls coming in after midnight, waking
 her, and forcing her out of bed and across the house to answer. Invariably,
 they were from the same man, seemingly slightly intoxicated, with bar-crowd
 noises in the background. He wanted to speak to Peggy, whoever that was, and
 my grand mother would tell him there was no Peggy living there, and that he
 must have the wrong number. But he wouldn't believe her, and kept insisting,
 begging, pleading, etc. to talk to Peggy. My Grandmother would have to just
 hang up finally.
 This went on for a few days, and late one night, when the phone rang, my
 Grandfather held back his wife, and said, "I'll take care of this", and got
 out of bed to answer the phone. The ensuing conversation was short and quick,
 and went something like this:
 "Hello?"
 "Hello, Can I speak to Peggy?"
 "No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now-- she's nursing the
 baby."

 118----------------------------------------------------
 Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general:
 "Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"

 119----------------------------------------------------
 My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing
 representative", I ask: "Are you a telemarketer?" The answer (suprisingly)
 is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to sell a (nonexistant)
 telephone ear-cusion.
 I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort.
 Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.

 120----------------------------------------------------
 A recent posting by Duke McMullan requested ways to repel telephone
 solicitors. My friend Pepe Tres from Texas told me this one and gave
 permission to post it:
 "My time is billed at $125 per hour. To continue this conversation, I must
 have your MasterCard or Visa number, card type and date of expiration."
 Pepe says it usually leaves them speechless. One guy replied, "Hey, that's
 good; I'll have to remember it." Once a supervisor of telephone solicitors
 called back and asked him if he was "some kind of high-powered lawyer."

 121----------------------------------------------------
 Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What
 goes around comes around, right? so, I try to reassure the apologetic and
 embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is
 discovered, with it going something like this:
 caller w. wrong number: "Gee, I'm sorry..."
 me:  "That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.."

 122----------------------------------------------------
 How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this:
 <Whoever> here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you?

 123----------------------------------------------------
 Try the following next time the phone rings:
 You (when you answer): Hello, is Jimmy there?
 Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.
 You: Oh. Sorry.
 Caller: No problem... (click)

 124----------------------------------------------------
 (Use a strong east Indian accent)
 Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (...). I am currently
 meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently
 inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact
 you when the stars align properly.
 Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...

 125
 (heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry, I can't come
 (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your
 name and number at the (scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.


 126
 (1) "Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is
 an answering machine. (etc.)"

 127
 (2) "Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.
 Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise - open a drawer and
 shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell me?"

 128
 Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few months
is
 start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live voice." (Variation on
 a theme by "The Cosby Show".) Or you could try answering your own phone
with
 "Hello, is Ron there?"

129
 I actually did this once when a call came in at an inopportune moment: I
 picked up the phone, said "Hi, this is Chris. I can't come to the phone right
 now, so please leave a message after the tone. -EEEEE-" -- that last being a
 tone-like sound - and the caller proceeded to leave name, phone number, and
 message, and hang up. I went back to what I'd been doing.


 130
 Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight
 right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will
call
 you right back.

 131
 Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If
 you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!


 132
 Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of
 Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of
 the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics,
 Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of
 Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
 Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet
 People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash
 Team. But hey, call me Mike.

 133
 The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
 phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
 password.

 134
 We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone
 90 degrees and try again.

 135
 Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll
 have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking
 about it...

 136
 Hi! You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the
 Nineties. You know what to do.

 137
 I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a
 message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take
 one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have
 to deal with me in person.

 138
 Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just
 swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the
 bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)

 139
 (After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is
 back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a
 message.

 140
 Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and
 number, I'll be right with you.

 141
 Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

 142
 Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for
 repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done.... (Cachunk!)

 143
 You've reached the S&M hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so
 if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog,
 we'll get right back to you with your penance.

 144
 Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our customer service
 representatives are, er... busy servicing customers, so at the sound of the
 erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description of whatever
 turns you on...

 145
 You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on,
 wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in,
 leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
 pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another
 long answering machine message when you call me...

 146
 Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret
 underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate
 mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if
 you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where
 he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name
 and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy
 agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not
 eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

 147
 These words are lovely dark and deep
- But I've got promises to keep
 and miles to go before I sleep
 So leave a message at the beep.

 148
 Now I lay me down to sleep;
 Leave a message at the beep.
 If I die before I wake,
 Remember to erase the tape.

 149
 Dial some number at random. Ask: "May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong
number?
 Could you please tell him that his pizza is ready?". Hang up.
 Dial the same number again 15 minutes later. In a different voice: "May I
 speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that John
 called?". Hang up.
 Repeat 10 times. On the eleventh: "Hi, this is Kevin. Did I get any
messages?"

 150
 Dial a number. "Hello, this is your local telephone station speaking. We are
 sorry to tell you but we are having a terrible fire here at the station. The
 fire cannot be controlled, it is spreading over telephone cables and will
 reach your house in 5 minutes. So, if you don't want to burn down your house,
 hurry up and take your telephone receiver and throw it into a bucket of cold
 water!"
 Sometimes it works, and people do throw their receivers into water. It is
 especially amusing to play this joke on the people whom you intend to visit
 later in the day. That way you can come and inspect the damage.

 151
 "Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are
 experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow
 us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"
 The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is
bigger
 and better equipped to handle elephants."

 152
 When you knock on somebody's door and they ask "Who is there?", a good
reply
 is "And who is THERE?"

153
 Hello, this is Lee Iacoca. Today we are soliciting money for the United Negro
 College Fund, because a mind is a terrible thing... and they should be
 stopped before they hurt somebody. So please leave your credit card number
 after the beep. Thank you for your help.

 154
 I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an
 answering machine, maybe its a dream or maybe its an illusion and you don't
 really exist. One way to find out, leave a message and if its reality I will
 call you back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ 14

------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:44:08 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      job interview questions

I was on the interviewer side of a job interview for the first time a
few days ago, and in preparation I asked many people for help and
advice.  I received a set of sample questions from a best friend in a
previous life.

All credit or blame for the following truly belong to Brian R. Smith
(brsmith@cs.umn.edu), and is reproduced here by permission:


   "How do you work in a team situation when all the other team
   members are fools and idiots?"

   "How well do you program under the influence of hard drugs?"

   "Have you ever beaten or killed a co-worker?"

   "Give me a rough estimate of the maximum dollar amount that you've
   stolen from each of your previous employers."

   "Do you object to bullwhips in the workplace?"

   "Emacs or vi?"

   "You have a large network of Suns being used by secretaries for word
   processing in FrameMaker.  Which GNU packages would you install for
   your own entertainment, and how would you justify them later?"

   "You see a wounded puppy bleeding and whimpering on the side of the
   road while you're running to work to fix a downed computer that tens
   of users are waiting for.  Do you let the puppy die?"  "Why not?"

   "How much of your workday would you waste by reading news?"

   "Recite the GNU Manifesto."

   "How many clients (30% diskless, 60% dataless, 10% /var/spool/mail
   only) can a Sun 600MP server serve simultaneously, and what relation
   does this have to angels and pinheads?"
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:48:21 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      SORORITY GIRL JOKES (R)

               THE CANONICAL LIST OF SORORITY GIRL JOKES
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.

How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they always come back for more.

What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ?
Sorority girls cost less per score.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.

What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Introduce herself.
Walks home.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.

What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."

What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...

Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.

How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on
the bed.

Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.

What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.

What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
Multiple total eclipses.

What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk,  I'm sooooo drunk!"

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.

What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
Nothing.  There are some things a sorority girl won't do.
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it
gets blood.

1) Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has.
2) If your date won't, Tri Delts.
3) Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts.

and

2)     __________         __________
       \        /   /\    \        /
        \      /   /  \    \      /
         \    /   /    \    \    /
          \  /   /      \    \  /
           \/   /________\    \/

       Tri Delts:  Two out of three go down.

What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids ?
Speed bumps.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ?
Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
7, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap.
One.  She holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
Six.  One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts.
Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to
   get her boyfriend to do it.

Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
She's been laid all over the country.

What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers"

Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.

What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.

What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
The Dead Sea (Lake Placid is also OK).

How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.

What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda?
Nail polish.

How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.

Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once

What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage?
Garbage smells better.
Sorority girl attract more flies.

What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner?
Nothing. They both suck.
You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
When a vacuum cleaner is full of sh*t, its easy to dump the old bag.
A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it.
Turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg.

What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a
sorority girl track team?
The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a
sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do"

What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
A case of Schlitz.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsely?
You don't eat parsely.

Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar?
They are both stuck up cunts.

What does a frat boy say to a girl that refuses him?
"Have another beer."
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:47:04 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      Pickup lines (PG-13/R)

That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed...

Do you want to see something swell?

Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

Drop 'em.

What do you like for breakfast?

Is that a double ended dilldo or are you just glad to see me?

Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you
or nudge you?

Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize?

Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you?
She:  Uh...no....
Irish: Well, do you want some?

Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate
and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

Say, didn't we go to different schools together?

Wanna fuck like bunnies?

Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about
the first thing that pops up?

I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
        Smile if you want to sleep with me
then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...

Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far?

Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us

---------

I had a friend give a card that on the front:
        1       2       3       4
                Pick a number

and then on the back of the card it read:

                Sex maniacs always pick 3

you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card.

---------

You smell wet.  Let's Party.

Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?

Hey baby, let's go make some babies.

At the office copy machine:
  Reproducing eh?  Can I help?

Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

-----------

From:   MAD Magazine: Classic Flops
        Spring 1986.

        9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines:
        ---------------------------------
        1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
        2. "Is that a false nose?"
        3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
        4. "I'm drunk."
        5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy."
        6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?"
        7. "I just threw up."
        8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me."
        9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed
           like that."

------------

Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.

You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel

Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say:
        Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?

I require a tissue sample.  May i sever a little-used portion of your body?
 (brandish forceps)

Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation?
(Think about it...)

Hey baby...infect me!

Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!?

Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?

Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley?

Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way.
When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough
you would c*m."

Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k?
        What's the matter, don't like pizza?

I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting...
Let's meet sometime...

I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

---------

The front reads:

+------------------------------------+
|No Phone                 No Business|
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|             No Name                |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|No Address                  No Money|
+------------------------------------+

And the back reads:

+------------------------------------+
|       I'M A SILENT SEDUCER         |
|                                    |
|Any chance to crawl in the sack with|
|you tonight?                        |
|If so, just keep the card: If not,  |
|kindly return it because they are   |
|expensive.                          |
|                                    |
|I'm not as good as I once was.      |
|But I'm good once as I ever was!    |
|                                    |
|P.S. You don't have to say yes      |
|                         Just Smile!|
+------------------------------------+

-------------

She (to passing man):  Excuse me, do you have the time?
He: Do you have the energy?

What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?

Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!!

"Say mother!  Want another?" (if she has children)

Suck my dick or I'll blow your fucking head off.  [requires a gun]

No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

Will you marry me and have my children?  [unfortunate side-effects: beware!]

If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.

You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert?  Alone?

I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing
in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub.
Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic.

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak
heart.

Bond. James Bond.

Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.

It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away.

Nothing I can say will ease of the loss of your daughter, but rest
assured that the Morgenstern Funeral Home will do everything possible
to bring you peace of mind in this harrowing time.

Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me
to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.

You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone
beat me to it.

Excuse me, do you live around here often?

Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab
home together?

Would you like to see a baby picture of me?
(Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.)

Hello, Love, - Do you spit or swallow?

You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book...
So what's one more??

Hey babe -- did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List?

Your place, or mine?

What's your sign?

Nice shoes.  Wanna f*ck?

Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

Excuse me, do you wanna spoon or should I apologize?

You have the ass of a great artist.

FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS:
1: MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE IN THE FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO
YOU'RE TRYING
   TO ATTRACT.
2: PUT YOUR HANDS IN A VERTICAL PLANE AND SEPERATE YOUR
HANDS TO THE PROPER
   DISTANCE YOU WANT TO GET ACROSS
3: LOOK AT THE PERSON OF YOUR AFFECTIONS AND WITH A SHIT
EATING-EAR TO
   EAR GRIN SHAKE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN AS TO REPLY THAT
YOU'RE THIS
   BIG!

There's the old classic from the movie Fletch:
(to girl in towel):  Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just
                        hit a water buffalo.

Your face or Mine??

Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)?
Him: I like nothing better.

The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to
a young lady in a club and asked "Are you ready to go home now?".  They left
together.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it?

If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me?

When asked for a match:
        How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt.

Nice tits.  Mind if I feel them?

I love you.  I want to marry you.  Now fuck my brains out.

Forget that!  Playing doctor is for kids!  Let's play gynecologist.

Let's take a shower together --you smell.

I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade

Kiss me you fool, fuck me you harlot.

I've got an itch, honey.  Lower. lower. in. out.

If I was Elvis, would you screw me?

I want to thank you for [insert any event here], Grab your ankles bitch!

Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess
your weight.

If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.

Want to see my stamp collection?

Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't
floppy.

I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

I'm on fire.  Can I run through your sprinkler?

I'd look good on you.

Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?!  I thought you
knew...

At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say,
        "Wanna roll?"

Excuse me, have I fu**ed you yet?

I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.

Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?"  (sure to get responses)

Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.

Cold out isn't it?  (staring at breasts)

Ya' know, that outfit would look great on my bedroom floor.....

"Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and Ah'm
sittin' on mah wallet."

Hey!  Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'

I would kill or die to make love to you.

I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.

I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data.  What are your
measurements?

I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on.

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
 10. "I'm down here"
  9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
  8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
  7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
  6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
  5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
  4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
      at Keebler"
  3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
  2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
  1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
                -- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim

Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement.  eg.  after
"accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc. say
        "If they weren't sooo large it wouldn't have happened"

Sex is a killer ... so die happy!

I love every bone in your body - especially mine

"Hey... somebody farted.  Let's get out of here."

"Say, Didn't we go to different high schools at the same time?"

The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar:
        "May I push in your stool?"

I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie ...
of course, this was all before AIDS)

Chicks dig me;  I wear colored underwear.

Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?

I'm a copilot for American Airlines.

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

Excuse me... do you have change for a $100 bill?

Hi! Can I buy you a Car?

NOW, B*TCH!

Fancy a fuck?

My face is leaving in 15 minutes.  Be on it.

--------------

Lines by women:

-- Please may I rest my head on your shoulder?

-- Do you know how to use this? [a vibrator]

-- How about a night of passion in Doncaster?

-----------

 He:  "What was that?"
She:  "What was what?"
 He:  "That sound."
She:  "I didn't hear anything."
 He:  "It was the sound of my heart breaking."

---------

There's always Harlan Ellison's great failure:

        Q: Wha'dya say to a little fuck?
        A: Go away, little fuck.

-----------

How about the best response to an unwanted pickup?

    Man:  So what do you do for a living?
    Woman:  Female impersonator.

----------

You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.....

-----------end of list-------------
Female to guy:

  Hi, you look like a real wanker.
     (pause for effect)

  Want a break tonight?

 The guys usually spend so much time trying to convince you that they're not a
"wanker" (that ego thingy) that in the end they are trying to pick *you* up!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Screw me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.

You know what would look good on you? Me.

Go up to someone, knee them intentionally (but softly) and
say "I kneed you."

I bet you're psychic. What's my sign?

I once saw the sun set over the ocean in Florida and I thought I would never
see a more beautiful or wonderful sight. That was true until I gazed into the
shining pool of your eyes and saw countless dreams and an infinite store of
love, affection, and beauty.

I'm a virgin. Help me.

Hey, what's a beautiful woman like you doing here without a handsome man
like
me?

<check tag on shirt>  oh excuse me. I just wanted to see if you really *were*
made in heaven.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:49:10 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      RULES for men (PG)

THE RULES.

1. The female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules,
she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which
was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female may change her mind at any time.

9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed
written consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants
him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether
or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat,
lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.

17. The female is ready when she is ready.

18. The male must be ready at all times.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:50:19 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      WEIGHTLOSS during SEX (PG-13)

 ========
 THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO
 WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
 ========

----------------------------------------------------------------

ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED      ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED

---------------------------------------------------------------


REMOVING CLOTHES:                 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
With partner's consent.....12     Shoes flew off...............35
Without partner's consent.187     Expression didn't change....1/2
                                  Orchestra swelled.............6
UNHOOKING BRA:                    Birds sang
Using two calm hands........7      Large birds..................7
Using one trembling hand...36      Small birds..................3
                                  Earth moved..................30

Lifting partner............15     PULLING OUT:
Dragging partner on floor..16     After orgasm................1/2
Using skateboard............3     A few moments before orgasm.500

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:              PENIS ENVY:
For normal healthy man....2.5     For woman.....................3
Losing erection............14     For men......................72
Searching for it..........115
                                  GUILT:
PUTTING ON CONDOM:                Despite no formal training,
With erection.............1.5     orgasm comes easily..........53
Without erection..........300     You're enjoying sex,despite the
                                  fact that other people are
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:              starving......................2
If the woman who does it is       Sex on your lunch hour........3
Experienced.................6     Putting it on expense account..
Inexperienced..............73                                  20
If a man does it..........680     AGGRAVATION:
Add (5) calories for retrieving   Partner keeps showing plants..5
it from across the room.          Partner insists on cuddling the
                                  dog during foreplay..........14

ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:         Partner visiting bathroom for
Italian- Man on top,woman in      7th time.....................10
kitchen....................26     Partner taking phone calls....7
Russian- Woman on bottom,         Partner making phone calls...40
Man getting permission.....55
American- Both on top......60     GETTING CAUGHT:
                                  By partner's spouse..........60
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE:         By your spouse..............100
Bouncing....................7     Trying to explain............55
Sliding around..............9     Trying to remain calm.......100
Serious skidding...........12     Leaping out of bed...........75
Whiplash...................27     Getting dressed in one motion
                                                              500
                                  Thanking partner quickly......2
ORGASM:
Real.......................27
Faked.....................160
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:51:06 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      wisdom

What ever can go wrong will.
No matter where you go, there you are.
The secret of success is sincerity,
        once you can fake that you've got it made.
If two wrongs don't make a right - try three!
You cannot successfully determine beforehand
        which side of the bread to butter.
It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears
        but only twice as many ears as noses.
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -
        he will find an easier way to do it.
In any organisation there will always be one person
        who knows what is going on - this person must be fired.
Indecision is the basis for flexibility.
Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back,
        you've really got something!
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Creativity varies inversely with the number
        of cooks involved with the broth.
You can make it foolproof but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
Always drive through an amber light.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put
        a few nickels in the machine.
Fools rush in - and get the best seats.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
If nobody uses it, there must be a reason.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Everybody should believe in something: I believe I'll have another drink.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
        someone you don't want to be seen with.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone
        to blame it on.
You cannot accurately determine the depth of a puddle until you step in it.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
        then you just don't understand the problem.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
1. If its green or it wriggles, it's biology  2. If it stinks it's
        chemistry  3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Any system which relies on human reliability is unreliable.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
        errors, which by definition are limited.
All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off
        the face of the earth and never return.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
        doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
The closer you are to the facts of a situation,
        the more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of the situation.
The further away the disaster or accident occurs,
        the greater number of dead and injured required for it to make the news.
Build a system that even a fool can use,
        and only a fool will want to use it.
Those who enjoy sausages and respect the law
        should never watch either one being made.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
        take the longest and cost the most.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -
        the next time he's in need.
Einstein's other law of relativity: How long a minute is,
        depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:50:00 EDT
From:         "Val.Meyers" <OFA82@MSU.EDU>
Subject:      The three great lies

The third great lie is:

"I am from the government and I am here to help you."
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 15:40:01 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      VARIATIONS OF PICKUP LINES-PG13/R

Spanish Guy:  Do you have any Spanish in you?
Girl:  Uh..no..
Spanish Guy:  Bend over!

You got me so twittered now, I have to go down to 7-11 and suck the cream
out of all the Twinkies.

Motion your finger to someone so they come your way.  When she arrives say
"Do you always cum when someone fingers you?"

From the movie "Real Genius":
Girl: Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis?
Guy:  Not right now.
Girl: Sorry, a girl's gotta have her standards.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 15:44:11 CDT
From:         Colleen Lamb <Colleen=Lamb@TSL.TEXAS.GOV>
Subject:      3rd great lie

The third great lie is:  I'll sleep on the wet spot.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 18:11:00 EDT
From:         E <ESOUTHAL@SNYESCVA.BITNET>
Subject:      The Three Great Lies

The third Great Lie:  "It is only a cold sore"
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 19:45:20 EST
From:         Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Gags & Teasers

How can it be proved that a horse has six legs?

He has fore(four) legs in the front and two behind.

What question can never be answered by "yes" ?

Are you asleep.

When is a piece of wood like a queen?

When it is made into a ruler.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 21:58:38 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <F144@FERRIS.BITNET>
Subject:      Additions to pick up lines PG-13

Here's one I saw on a business card while I was studying "Criminal
Justice"  (an oxymoron if I've ever heard one!):

   The person handing this card to you is a police officer
   Lay down on your back, spread your legs, and do whatever
   The nice man tells you to.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 22:21:56 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <F144@FERRIS.BITNET>
Subject:      The third great lie

   I never saw her before in my life...really!!!!

========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 11:16:36 +0200
From:         "P. Molijn - S Soerjoesing" <suribros@DUTIKAT.TWI.TUDELFT.NL>
Subject:      the third great lie

I love you, i want to marry you
i want you to be mine forever

                                (think about it  forever is a very long time)
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:30:07 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK>
Subject:      Scottish jokes

  It seems this Scotsman was given a wallet for his birthday; one of these
  with a Velcro closure.

  He said, "Noo, that's my kinda wallet: it scr-r-reams when you open it!"
  ==

  Q: Why do Scots wear Kilts?
  A: Because sheep can hear zippers.
  ==

  Q: How was the Grand Canyon formed?
  A: A Scotsman dropped a penny in a crack.
  ==

  And then theres the story about the Scot who dropped a penny and when he
  bends down to pick it up, it hit him on the back of the head....
  ==

  Did ya hear about the gay Scotsman, Phil McCrevice?
  ==

  An Irish guy dies, and his three best friends -- an Irishman, a Scot, and
  a Jew attend the funeral.   After the service, the Scot says "It's an auld
  Scottish costom ta leave the dead wi' some money to provide for their wants
  in the next world."  So saying, he leaves a ten-dollar bill on the coffin.

  The Irishman says "It's not my custom, but never let it be said that a
  cheap Scot will outdo an Irishman."  So saying, he lays a ten dollar bill
  alongside the Scot's.  The two turn to the Jew, who shrugs and says "Well,
  I won't be the one to break up the party."  So saying, he writes a check
  for $30, leaves it on the coffin and takes the $20.
  ==

  A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.
  As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad
  nymphet standing over him.  She says "Would you like some food?"

  The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week
  noo, and I am verra hungry!"

  She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping
  helping of haggis.  (A Scottish delicacy about which the less said, the
  better.)  When he has choked it down, she asks "Would you like something
  to drink?"

  "Och, aye!  That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much
  like a drink!"

  She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75 year
  old single-malt Scotch whiskey!  The Scotsman in beginning to think that
  he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says "Would you
  like to play around?"

  "Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
  ==


Pete
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 15:32:45 LCL
From:         Randy Randall <RANDALL@WWG3.UOVS.AC.ZA>
Subject:      Condom Jokes in Namibia

Recently, the Department of Health in Namibia introduced condoms to
the rural population in an attempt to limited the high birth rate.

Unfortunately, the locals didn't know how to use these condoms,
so they covered their tongues with it and enjoyed their meal of
prickly pears.

========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 08:59:00 CST
From:         Mike Novak <NOVAKMJ@SLUVCA.SLU.EDU>
Subject:      Hillbilly Joke (PG)

[BTW, I'm sure you could work in Bill & Hillary somehow if you
 wanted to...]


On the Hillbilly's wedding night he was about to make love to his
wife for the first time when he ran screaming out of his trailer
and back to his parents' trailer next door.

"What's the matter?!?!?"  Ma and Pa asked.

"Well," Junior says horrified, "I just found out my bride is still
a virgin!!"

"Wow!" Pa excaliams, "You did the right thing son; if she's not
good enough for her own family, she's not good enough for ours!"
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 08:13:37 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      VARIATION-PHONE MESSAGES

G'Day mate.  Can't come to the phone right now.  I'm making mad, passionate
love with Mel Gibson.  Leave your name and number and I'll call you back in a
week if I have the strength.  Oh Mel...Mel...Mel...!!!!
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 08:15:40 CDT
From:         Colleen Lamb <Colleen=Lamb@TSL.TEXAS.GOV>
Subject:      Re: the third great lie

Do you promise to sleep on the wet spot?
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:29:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <ADP3S@MSU.EDU>
Subject:      The REAL third greatest lie

   I promise not to come in your mouth...


                 ;->
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:33:25 -0400
From:         Mario Rups <MRUPS@BROOK.EDU>
Subject:      third great lie ...

(What is this, a contest?!)  (If so, my vote still goes to Val Meyer's "I'm
from the government and I'm here to help you.")

But, as an alternative:

The third great lie -- "I'll feed it and take it for walks and everything
Mom *please* can I keep it?!"
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 07:51:00 PDT
From:         "Briggs, Vickie" <VBriggs@UNEX.UCLA.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Greatest Lie

The third greatest lie is :  Yes, I will respect you in the morning.

:->
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 11:03:25 -0400
From:         Richard <richard@ERICIR.SYR.EDU>
Subject:      Klingon proverbs.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."

"Only a fool fights in a burning building."

"Never give anything a name that you might have to eat."

"A running man can slit a thousand throats in one night....although
some say four thousand."
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:14:00 CST
From:         Katie Buller <KTBULLER@MACC.WISC.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Greatest lie

The third greatest lie I've heard is:

This won't hurt.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:17:00 -05
From:         Linda Guy <LGUY@IVY.BITNET>
Subject:      the other REAL 3rd greatest

   I promise not to come in your mouth...

and the Female version......

    I won't BITE!

        ;)
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:37:42 -0600
From:         Debby Romero <D_ROMERO@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      ETHNIC JOKE - NO OFFENSE INTENDED

THREE CONVICTS ESCAPE FROM PRISON.  THERE'S A WHITE MAN, A
NEGRO AND A MEXICAN.
THEY RUN RIGHT INTO A SWAMP AND STOP WHEN THEY SEE ALL
THE ALLIGATORS JUST
WAITING TO ATTACK.  THERE IS NO OTHER WAY OUT.  THEY HEAR
THE DOGS AND THE
SEARCH PATROL COMING CLOSER.  SO THE WHITE MAN DECIDES
THAT HE WOULD RATHER
CHANCE HIS LIFE WITH THE ALLIGATORS THAN TO GO BACK TO
PRISON.  SO HE JUMPS IN
AND CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP THE ALLIGATORS EAT HIM.  THE
OTHER TWO PRISONERS REMAIN
ON LAND BUT WHEN THEY HEAR THE DOGS' BARKING GETTING
EVEN CLOSER THE NEGRO
DECIDES THAT HE TOO WOULD RATHER TAKE HIS CHANCES WITH
THE ALLIGATORS THAN
RETURN TO PRISON.  SO HE JUMPS IN AND BEGINS TO SWIM WHEN
CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP
THE ALLIGATORS EAT HIM TOO.  NOW THE MEXICAN CONVICT
REMAINS ALONE AND WHEN
HE HEARS THE DOGS BEHIND HIM, HE TOO JUMPS IN THE SWAMP
AND BEGINS TO SWIM.
THE ALLIGATORS APPROACH HIM AND THEN AS FAST AS THEY
CAN THEY SWIM AWAY FROM
THE MEXICAN CONVICT AND HE MAKES IT ACROSS THE SWAMP
UNHARMED AND FREE.  THEN
ONE ALLIGATOR ASKS THE KING ALLIGATOR, "WHY DIDN'T YOU
LET US EAT THIS ONE,
TOO?"  THE KING ALLIGATOR REPLIED, "I ATE ONE OF THOSE LAST
MONTH AND BOY DID
MY BUTHOLE BURN FOR WEEKS!"
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:26:17 PDT
From:         Henry Cate <Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM>
Subject:      Life  1.G     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big

******************************************************************
*************

Subject: The software that worked too well

This story is nth hand, thus to be classified as rumor.  But it is
relevant to RISKS, so I pass it on, if only as a parable.

SeaTac is the main Seattle-area airport.  Ordinarily aircraft landings are
from the north, and this end of the runway is equipped with all the sensing
equipment necessary to do ALS (Automatic Landing System) approaches.

The early 747 ALS worked beautifully, and the first of these multi-centaton
aircraft set down exactly at the spot in the center of the runway that the
ALS was heading for.  The second 747 set down there.  The third 747 landed
on this part of the runway. ... As did all the others.

After a while, SeaTac personnel noticed that the concrete at this point at
the north end of the ALS runway was breaking up under the repeated impact of
747 landings.  So the sofware was modified so that 3 miles out on the
approach, a random number generator is consulted to choose a landing spot --
a little long, a little short, a little to the left or a little to the right.

   THE MORAL:
   Don't assume you understand the universe without actually experimenting.

******************************************************************
*************

"There are two things you are better off not seeing in the making -- sausages
and econometric estimates."

 . . . a quote from Edward Leamer, economist at UCLA, stolen without
permission
from last week's Science.  The article continues in this vein:

" . . . people want answers to impossible questions and are overly impressed
by answers that come out of a computer.  [Kenneth] Arrow [of Stanford] makes
an analogy with the theory of evolution.  Asking an economist to accurately
forecast next year's energy demand is like asking an evolutionary biologist
what species will evolve next."

******************************************************************
*************

A guy wanders into a bar and orders a martini.  The bartender provides it,
and he drinks it down.  When he finishes it, he starts nibbling on the
rim of the glass.  He keeps nibbling and nibbling until there's nothing
left but the stem of the glass.  He then throws the stem over his
shoulder where it breaks into pieces on the floor.  By now, quite a few
of the patrons are watching this go on.

He orders another martini, and repeats the performance; nibbling the
rim of the glass around and around until there's nothing left but the
stem, which he throws away over his shoulder.  Several patrons are staring
at him with their mouths open.

He orders a third martini and does it all over again; nibbling down to
the stem and throwing the stem over his shoulder.

After the fourth time, he pays his bill and leaves.  All of the other
barflies are staring at him in amazement.

The bartender says "That's the weirdest thing I ever saw!".

"Yeah," says a customer, "he's throwing away the best part".

******************************************************************
****

     Once upon a time, in the days of royalty, lived the Count of Hegula,
and his sidekick, the Duke of Pearl.  One night these crafty fellows decided
to break into the queen's castle and steal the royal treasures.

     Unfortunately, as they were making away with the loot, they awakened
one of the guards.  The Count was caught, but the Duke escaped.  Other
guards were summoned to search for the Duke, but he could not be found.

     The next morning, the Count was brought before her majesty the queen.
"Tell me who your accomplice was," she said, " and I will let you go free.
I just want to get my jewels back."

     "No way, lady!" said the Count.  "I will never tell you, nor anybody
else.  My pride is stronger than your greed."

     "Very well, then.  Off with your head!" said the queen.  "Guards, take
this criminal to the executioner."

     As the guards escorted the man down the hall, one of them spoke:  "Hey,
Count, tell us who your helper was, and we can all escape together and share
the treasure."

     "Get lost!" replied the Count.  "I will never reveal my partner's name!"

     So the guards took the man into the execution room, and forced him to
kneel beside the chopping block.  A priest in the room then began to speak.
"Dear Lord, please give this man the courage to admit his guilt, and let
him tell us the name of his accomplice, so that he, too, may be forgiven."

     "Take off, preacher!" yelled the Count.  "No stupid prayer is going to
make me talk!"

     So the priest quietly exited the room.  Then from a dark corner came
the hooded executioner.  He sharpened his large axe as the criminal remained
calm, then he approached the chopping block.  "Son," he said, "this is your
last chance.  Who helped you steal the queen's jewels?"

     "I have said it before and I will say it again:  I WILL NEVER TELL
ANYONE!!" the Count screamed.  "OFF WITH MY HEAD!!" and he began to
laugh.

     The executioner shook his head in disappointment, then started to raise
his axe.  The Count grew silent, then began to shake with fear.  Just as the
sharp blade was falling, he suddenly screamed out, "NO, WAIT!! I'LL TELL!
I'LL T..."  But he was too late!  The axe had fallen, and his head hit the
floor.


     And the moral of the story is:

     Don't Hatchet Your Counts Before They Chicken!

******************************************************************
*************

Joke! A guy is driving through Vermont when he sees some old
fogey sitting on a rocking chair, rocking back and forth,
looking like he hasn't moved since 1957. He asks they guy
"Been rocking there all your life?" And the guy replies
"Not yet!"


Another shaggy dog story:

In days of old when knights were bold there was on little runt who had to use
a large shaggy dog instead of a horse.  Well it seems that as he was out on a
quest it started raining and very dark and gloomy.  As it happened he came
upon a castle and requested entrence to the establishment.  He was admitted
and soon he and his dog were drying themselves in front of the fire.  Soon
enought they were dry and comfortable and the day had turned to night and
the storm had become worse.  The knight prepaired to go and noted that the
dog was just as wet as ever and even more shaggy looking than when they had
came in. The lord of the castle looked the situation over and thought a
while then proclamed:

"I'll let you stay the night.  I can't send a knight out on a dog like this"

******************************************************************
*******

An Englishman is trying to hitch a lift in the Irish country side. Soon
a mini-truck pulls up and the Englishman boards. "You look lost Lad. Where'er
you off to?" asks the driver, an old Irishman. "Down this road 'bout 6 kilo-
meters" the Englishman says. "Ah! y'er English. I'm a farmer. I'm off to
the market to sell me horse and the pig." the farmer says as he points to
the back. "These are dangerous parts, Lad, you shouldn't be out here alone,
you know. That's why I carry this buffalo-rifle, you know, for safety."

Just then, another truck approaches head-on on collision course. The farmer
swerves back and forth to maintain control. After a lot of skidding, he
hits a street-light pole and they all come flying out of the truck. The
farmer gets up to assess the damage. He sees his pig, all cut up and barely
breathing. He limps back to the truck, gets his rifle and approaches the pig.
"Oh poor little piggy," he says, "All cut up and bleeding. Yer must be in
terrible pain. I'll put ya out of yer misery". He points the gun at the
pig and pulls the trigger and BOOM. Then he walks over to the horse which
is also lying there bleeding. "Oh poor little horsey, all cut up and
bleeding. Yer must be in great pain. I'll put ya out of yer misery". He
points his gun at the horse and BOOM. Finally he looks the Englishman, who
has been watching all this. Being hurt bad, he's struggling to get up. He
has a slash across the side of his face, arms and legs cut up and bleeding
badly and one eye squinting and blood trickling out of his mouth.
The farmer walks over to the Englishman and asks, "Are ya alright?".
The Englishman responds with a quivering voice while his
hand is shaking with a nervous twitch, "Fine, I've never felt better
in my life! Thanks for the ride."

******************************************************************
*******

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds.  He
proposed that giving measured doses of various hallucinogenic substances
and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems
of equilibrium in three dimensional space.  This tale taking place in a more
liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms,
set up a lab with a supply of sea birds, and proceeded on his way.  After
a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review commitee to
get his stipend, and living with stoned sea birds, he completed his study.

With trembling hands, he delivered his 247 page report, complete with charts
and graphs, to the review commitee.  This august body peruses his study,
asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jello.  Finally,
the department head rises.  The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses
as she stares down at our student.

"There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this
report.  You have detailed marvelously the effects of all these substances
on these sea birds, but you have no control group."

Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..."

"Yes. I'm afraid so.  You left no tern unstoned."

******************************************************************
********

These 3 guys are walking in the jungles of Africa when they are captured
by a tribe of 7 foot tall, extremly mean black natives who have never seen
a white person before.  They turn to the first guy and say "You have been
caught walking in the sacred jungle, where no whites are allowed.  We are
going to tie you to a tree, blow darts at you, throw knives at you,
and use you for spear throwing practice."  The guy turns white (r), grabs
his gun, and shoots himself in the head.  The natives are a little pissed.
They turn to the second guy and say "UMGOWA.  We are going to strip off
all your clothes, cover you with honey, and stack you out over an anthill"
Well, this guy doesn't like this prospect so he grabs the gun and shoots
himself in the head also.  The natives turn to the third guy and say "we
are going to skin you alive, then use your hide to make a canoe."  The
guy doesn't like this one bit so he grabs a fork and starts stabbing
himself all over yelling "Conoe?!  Hears what I think of your lousy
canoe!".

----------------------------------------------------------------
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 13:44:00 EDT
From:         "Michael B. Smith" <MBS116@PSUVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Liquor is Quicker (R+)

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 martinis.

Bartender: Is there a group on the way or are these just for you?

Man      : They're just for me.  Line them up in a row and I'll
           and I'll drink 'em all down.

Bartender: Is there something you're celebrating?

Man      : Yep, my first blow job.

Bartender: That's great! Here let me give you another so it will be
           an even 13.

Man      : Oh, that's ok.  If 12 doesn't get rid of the taste an extra
           one won't make that much difference.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 12:45:14 CST
From:         Herb Rotfeld <ROTFELD@BUSINESS.AUBURN.EDU>
Subject:      a poem or two

DON'T BLAME ME IF YOU UNDERSTAND THIS!!
        by herb rotfeld

To keep in mind,
Plants have I not --
Though apples tree,
And bilious rot.
Most people do
Behind closed doors:
Read magazines,
While puppy snores.
So go make haste
On buying spree;
Appendix cute,
With kumquats free.
So wax and shine
Your furry friend --
And search for TV's
Better end.
You'll see by now,
For vanity:
This poem is banned
Where sanity!!
-------------------------------------------------------

THE ETHICS & DELUSIONS OF CAMPUS LIFE: THE STUDENTS' VIEW!
        by herb rotfeld

The test's,
They say,
For us to learn;
So all night long,
The pages churn.
But come the sun,
I could not think --
No thoughts,
No bath;
My gods I stink!
So mind applied
To how to con:
"Test cops" and profs,
I'm really on
To stuff so hard,
To learn and "know" --
Lost with the dawn,
Just where'd it go?
Heard in my mind:
"DON'T FAIL THE TEST!!"
So notes,
Ensconced,
On wrist and breast.

Cheat?
Who me?
How dare you say!
I really learned
Stuff for today.
It's just so hard,
For me to think:
I crammed all night,
Slept not a wink.
Besides I'll get
Killed if I fail:
And now I'm caught,
So what's the bail?
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 14:11:39 EST
From:         Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Riddles

Whats put on the table but never eaten?

Apack of cards.

Four men build four boats i n four days. How long will it
take one man to build one boat?

Four days.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 14:29:00 EST
From:         "Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia" <EDWARDS@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Politics & sex (not offensive)

Democracy is like sex.  When it is good, it is very, very good.
And when it is bad, it is still pretty good.

========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 23:46:02 MDT
From:         Petr Novotny <NOVOTNYP@CSEARN.BITNET>
Subject:      Childish, probably inoffensive

A traveler is making his way through the jungle when he is ambushed by a
group
of aboriginies. They tell him: "You have been caught on our territory. You
can choose now - either you may die or you may be tortured by Bongo-Bongo."
The traveller takes a thought and then he decides to stay alive and be tortured
by Bongo-Bongo. But the aboriginies are just people, after they torture him,
they let him go.

The traveller goes on when he is ambushed by another group of aboriginies.
They tell him again: "You have been caught on our territory. You can choose
now
- either you may die or you may be tortured by Bongo-Bongo." The traveller
decides for Bongo-Bongo and goes off away.

When he is ambushed by still another group of aboriginies, he is fed up with
all that Bongo-Bongo and decides to die. The aboriginies look at him and tell
him: "Okay, you'll die by Bongo-Bongo".
========
------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 23:36:27 EDT
From:         Walter Probert <WALTERP@NERVM.NERDC.UFL.EDU>
Subject:      No subject given

Suppose you were in the woods and saw a bear coming toward you.
What would you rather do, keep running, or go climb a tree with
 a bear behind?
========
------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 9 Jun 1993 09:40:25 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK>
Subject:      More Scottish Jokes

  A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the
  waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all,
  the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually did.
  The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
        "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND
ALLEY".
  ==

  The Scottsman comes to his friend in tears.
    "My beautiful comb.  I broke a tooth on it an now I can't use it
  anymore.  What am I going to do?  Now I'll have to buy another one."
    "Well," said his  friend, "you don't need to buy another just
  because you lost one tooth on your comb."
    "But you don't understand.  It was the last tooth."
  ==

  A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that
  this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything
  to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything
  that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours.
  The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would
  make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the
  room and play for the dying man.

  When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his
  eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced
  around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the
  tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a
  miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play
  the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2
  Englishmen in for checkups died.
  ==

  'Tis said in Erin that 'twas the Irish who invented the bagpipes and gave
  'em to the Scots as a joke...and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
  ==

                    A SCOTTISH SOLUTION
      The Scots have a reputation for prudence and frugality. They are
  not the sort of people who make a habbit of losing their wallets. But
  it does happen.
      The following announcement appeared in the Glasgow Herald
  recently:-
     'Lost in Sauchiehall Street, a black leather wallet containing family
  photographs, identity documents and five hundred pounds in notes.
  The finder is asked to keep the photos and documents, but to return
  the money to which I am attached for sentimental reasons.'

      Once evening in a restaurant in Edinburgh a man stood up and
  exclaimed:
     -I've just lost my wallet. There's a hundred pounds on it. I'll give
  five pounds to the person who finds it and returns it to me.
      From the other side of the restaurant a man in a kilt called out:
     -I'll give six
  ==

  "I saw a horrible accident on the way to the club tonight...Two taxicabs
  collided and 30 scotsmen were killed..."
  ==

Pete.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 9 Jun 1993 07:05:15 CDT
From:         Colleen Lamb <Colleen=Lamb@TSL.TEXAS.GOV>
Subject:      rated PG

A newlywed couple was on their honeymoon when the new husband said,
"Honey, I have a confession to make.  I'm a golfer and you may not
be seeing me much on the weekends."

The new wife replied, "I've got a confession to make, too.  I'm a hooker."

The husband said, "Don't worry, just drop your left shoulder and follow
through on your swing."
========
------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 9 Jun 1993 08:17:13 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      MORE PICK-UP LINES/MESSAGES

PHONE MESSAGES:

Hi, You've reached 976-BABE.

(spoken with a Valley Girl/Blonde accent)
Like Ohmigod.  I can't believe you like called me.  That is like so cool.  I'm
like gone right now.  I forgot like where I am so if I ever find myself I'll
like call you-K?  Byeeeee!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PICK-UP LINES:

Hey, Baby, do you want fries with that shake?

You must be made of jelly because jam don't shake like that.

Hi, what can I do you for?

Hi, what can I do to you?

Hi, what will you do me for?

Him: How was your Zima? (drink, dinner, etc.)
Her: Orgasmic.
Him: What?
Her: What, you've never had one --- a Zima?

To someone who really disgusts you:
Uhh Baby, Uhh Baby (really seductive)
What you don't do for me!

If someone you don't like yells for you to pull over, yell:
"You want to pull down my what?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's not the length.
It's not the size.
It's how many times he can make it rise.

There are three sizes of men:
Small, medium, and OH MY GOD!!!!
========
------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 9 Jun 1993 17:43:40 EST
From:         Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Tounge Twisters

Theophilus Thistle thrust three thousand thistles through his
thick thumb.

Bitter bickering bricklayers bickering bitterly.

Seven social showmen socially showing soaps.

The block bootblack blacks boots black.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 9 Jun 1993 17:24:50 PDT
From:         Cate3.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.H     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big

******************************************************************
*************
Subject: And woman is no coward

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing
crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and
olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to
go rancid several hours after use."

In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, not because
it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the worry that it might
poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."

[From a review of "The Secret House", David Bodanis, Simon and Schuster.
Summary: An ordinary house is a hidden world of microscopic life and
scientific illumination.]

******************************************************************
*************

     A man took his wife into the doctor for dizzy spells.  Finding the doctor
behind schedule the man went off to buy some christmas presents agreeing to
meet
at a close shopping mall.  The wife was given a prescription and went shopping.
Found a really wonderful hat and some gloves.  When the husband rejoined her
he commented "You're all dressed up and no 'vere to go".

     Man goes to doctor.  Says he's depressed.  Says life seems harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague
and uncertain.  Doctor says the treatment is simple.  The great clown Pagliacci
is in town tonight.  Go and see him.  That should pick you up.  Man bursts
into tears.
     "But doctor . . . I am Pagliacci.

******************************************************************
*************
Wrong Arm of the Law

A judge admonished the police in Radnor, Pa., for pretending a Xerox copy
machine
was a lie detector.  Officials had placed a metal colander on the head of a
suspect and attached the colander to the copier with metal wires.  In the
copy machine was a typewritten message: "He's lying."

Each time investigators received answers they didn't like, they pushed the copy
button.  Out came the message, "He's lying."  Apparantly convinced the machine
was accurate, the suspect confessed.

******************************************************************
*************
Subject: Is this a good candidate for a Darwin Award?

PUMPKIN CENTER, Okla. (UPI)

An Oklahoma cowboy who was trampled by an ostrich he was trying to lasso
was
in critical condition Friday at a hospital in Boise, Idaho.

J.T. Coody of Cache, Okla., was injured Sunday.

Coody's brother, Dale Coody, 50, of Pumpkin Center, bought several ostriches
in Boise to add to his ostrich farm at Pumpkin Center, east of Lawton.

J.T. Coody was helping load the birds into a corral Sunday, when one ostrich
broke loose and ran into a car and some fences, Dale Coody said.

"J.T., being a cowboy as he is, decided to rope the bird," he said.  "When he
threw the loop, the bird dodged the loop and ran right over him."

"J.T. Coody was struck by the ostrich's breast bone and was knocked
unconscious."

******************************************************************
*************

Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?

A. A Christian Science Monitor.

******************************************************************
*************

Sample cause-of-death reports from early 1800s in Missouri;

``Went to bed feeling well, but woke up dead.''

``Died suddenly, nothing serious''

``Cause of death unknown; had never been fatally ill before.''

``Don't know; died without the aid of a physician.''

``death caused by blow on the head with an ax. Contributory
cause, another man's wife.''

******************************************************************
*************

Hitler and Goering are sitting around talking, one afternoon in 1940,
and Goering remarks, "You know, whatever else you want to say about
the Jews, you have to admit that they're clever, cleverer than
Germans, even."

"What?" says Hitler. "Jews clever? Don't be silly."

"No, really, Fuehrer. I'll prove it to you. Come with me."

So Goering takes Hitler outside into the streets of Berlin, to the
china district. They walk down the main street, which is lined with
stores selling pottery and table china. Goering chooses a store and
takes Hitler inside. They go up to the counter, and the proprietor
comes toward them.

"Heil Hitler. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to see some teacups," says Goering. So the store owner
brings out a nice selection of cups, and spreads them out on the
counter. "Mmm," says Goering, "these are very nice, but you see, I was
really interested in some left-handed cups."

"Some what?" asks the storekeeper, a bit confused.

"Some left-handed tea cups. Have you any in stock?"

The store keeper doesn't know quite what to make of this, so he shakes
his head and says "No, I'm sorry but I'm all sold out."

"Thank you anyway," says Goering, and leads Hitler back outside. They
go down the street a bit and Goering pulls Hitler into another china
shop. Again, he asks for left-handed tea cups.

"I'm sorry," says the clerk. "I don't know what you mean."

"Well, never mind. Thanks anyway." And Goering goes out of the shop,
with Hitler following behind.

"I don't understand," says the Fuehrer. "How is this supposed to prove
that Jews are clever?"

"Ah. Just wait." And Goering takes Hitler into the ghetto, the Jewish
section of the city. Here everything is much poorer, but Goering
manages to find a china shop. Again, he goes in, followed by Hitler,
and asks to see some left-handed tea cups.

"Certainly, sir. Here is a very nice one." And the Jewish storekeeper
takes down a cup and places it in front of Hitler and Goering with the
handle pointing toward the left.

"Aha!" cries Goering, turning toward Hitler. "Didn't I tell you the
Jews were clever?"

And the Fuehrer answers, "I don't see what you're so excited about.
He just happened to have one in stock, that's all."
Shoshanna Green

******************************************************************
*************

 " Did you hear about the fellow from Indiana who was arrested for
   smuggling books into Kentucky? They had to let him go 'cause the
   court couldn't prove they were books. "

******************************************************************
*************

Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk?
A: An utter failure.

******************************************************************
*************

A man walks into the sherriffs office...
"I want to become a deputy!"
"Fine.  I want you to catch this man."  Hands the man a wanted poster.
"Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants,
     and brown paper boots.  What's he wanted for?"
"Rustling."

******************************************************************
*************

OK, so this guy who's been painting lines down the middle of the road decides
that the outdoor life is for him, and takes off to the Great White North to
be a lumberjack.  And after he's out there for a little while, he becomes an
average, everyday lumberjack.  One day, he's sitting there reading the
Lumberjack Times, and sees an ad for a chainsaw. So he thinks to himself,
"Self, this ad says that using this chainsaw will triple my output.  I could
sure use the money.  I'll go check it out."

And check it out he did.  He trucked on up to the Lumberjack store, and bought
the biggest, bestest chainsaw he could find.  The salesman reminded our
Lumberjack friend of the 10 day, moneyback offer that came with the chainsaw,
and showed him to the door.

Well, the first day the lumberjack used his new toy, he only was able to
cut down about half of the trees he normally did.  Well, he thought, it was
merely because he wasn't used to it yet.  The next day, he got up extra
early, and worked an extra two hours, and only cut down about 3/4 of what
he normally did.  He was getting kinda discouraged now, but decided to
give it one more try.  Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), the third
day he barely managed to cut down what he normally did, working twice as
long
as usual to accomplish this.

After recovering from his exhausting day, the following morning he set off to
cause severe bodily harm to the unfortunate salesman. Arriving at the store,
the lumberjack walked through the nearest wall and demanded to see the kind
soul who had sold him the chainsaw.  The quivering salesman approached, and
the lumberjack launched into a detailed description of how the chainsaw
failed to live up to its reputation.  The salesman listened raptly, and
told the lumberjack,
"Well, I don't really understand how this could happen, but let's take a
look at it.  It's possible you've got a defective model there."

So, the salesman takes a hold of the chainsaw, yanks on the cord, and starts
the beast up.  Whereupon the lumberjack says,
"What's that noise?"

******************************************************************
*************

An airliner was going from New York to Los Angeles. After it had been
in the air about an hour there was a loud BOOM and the plane shook
violently. Naturally everyone became quite nervous. After about one
minute the pilot came over the PA and very nonchalantly said "Ladies
and Gentlemen, what we just experienced was nothing to be alarmed
about. Our number one engine just went out. But I repeat there is no
problem. Our numbers 2, 3, and 4 engines can easily carry us on into
LA. However we will be a half hour late.

Eventually everyone calmed back down. About an hour later there was
another loud BOOM and the plane lunged again. Thirty seconds later
the pilot came over the PA again and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, we
have just lost our number 2 engine. But I assure you, there is nothing
to be concerned about. Our numbers 3 and 4 engines can easily carry us
on into LA. However we will be an hour late.

Sure enough, about an hour later there was yet another BOOM. The pilot
immediately came over the PA and said "Ladies and Gentlemen our number
three engine just went out but again let me reassure you that there is
still no danger. Our number 4 engine is plenty powerful enough to get
us to LA. However, we will be 3 hours late.

At this point a passenger, disgusted, leaned over to the guy sitting
next to him and said "Man, I hope that number 4 engine doesn't go out
or we're gonna be up here all day!"

******************************************************************
*************

Having just learned that the French equivalent of the American 'Polish joke'
is the Belgian joke, I relay the following:

The Belgian government has decided that the British system of driving on the
left side of the road may have significant advantages over their present
right side of the road system, so they have scheduled an experiment:
Starting on the first of January, and for the next six months, all cars in
Belgium will be required to drive on the left side of the road.  If, as
expected, the experiment is a success, then trucks will also start driving on
the left ...
========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 11:02:49 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK>
Subject:      Doctor Joke

  A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor.

  Man:    Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem.  I just can't
(FFFART!!)
          stop farting.

  Doctor: That is an unusual complaint.  Take off your clothes and lay, stomach
          down, on the couch.

  The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man
is
  farting all the time.

  Doctor: Ah ha!  This should be easy to cure.  Excuse me for a moment.

  The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp
  spike at one end.

  Man:    (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with
          (FFFARTT!!) that ?!

  Doctor: I need to open a window.

Pete.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 09:32:00 EST
From:         "David K. Wall" <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject:      Re: Tongue Twisters (risque)

I'm a fig-plucker -- I pluck figs.  I'm the best fig-plucker that ever
plucked a fig.

A friend of mine once taught this to another friend's 4-year old, with
predictable results.  :-)
========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 09:40:15 -0400
From:         rchatham@MATH.UTK.EDU
Subject:      One liner mathematician joke

Did you hear the one about the hypochondriac mathematician whose AIDS test
came out "imaginary"?
========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 09:02:13 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      A Two-Time Loser (clean)

A man in a bar walked up to the bartender, placed a $10 bill on the bar and
said, "I'll bet you this $10 I can make you cry."  The bartender looked at
him, at the $10, and said, "How are you going to do that?"  The man said,
"I'll just talk to you and make you cry."  The bartender said, "I'll take
that bet," and he put $10 beside the other man's money.  The man then said,
"This might take a few minutes.  I have to wait for Boo."  The Bartender
said, "Boo who?"  He realized immediately that he had been taken and watched
as the man picked up the $20 and left.  The bartender thought a minute and
decided to get his $10 back the same way he lost it.  So, when a black man
walked up to the bar, the bartender put $10 on the bar and challenged the
black man just as he had been challenged.  The black man accepted the bet
and put his $10 on the bar.  The bartender then said, "This will take a few
minutes.  I have to wait for Boo."  The black man said, "Who be Boo?"

========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 11:34:39 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      DEATH BY BUNDY--RATED R

Three English explorers, searching for the source of the Nile, found themselves
in the jungles of Darkest Africa (it coulda been Borneo, or Tierra del Fuego,
or a South Sea island, or even certain parts of the Appalachian mountains in
the central Southern United States, but the dude who told me this joke said
"Darkest Africa" so hold the flames), when they were surrounded by hundreds
of
male warriors of the local tribe, painted up, armed to the teeth with spears,
knives and all sorts of nasty weapons meant for destruction of human flesh,
who promptly tied up the three explorers and hauled them before the Tribal
Chieftan. The Chieftan, who had been taught English several years ago by a
couple of unfortunate American missionaries who found themseves as the entree
at a smorgasbord, informed the three Englishmen that they had been trspassing
on forbidden land, and there were only two penalties, which he said were
death or bundy, and they had the right to choose which of the penalties they
preferred. The first Englishman, not knowing what "bundy" was, figured that it
had to be better than dying, so he informed the chieftan that he chooses
"bundy". He was immediately untied, grabbed by three of the Chieftan's elite gu
ard, thrown on the ground, and raped by embuggerment (anal intercourse) by
every male member of the tribe. This lasted for hours, the man screamed bloody
murder, and eventually passed out. Then, the second explorer was asked:
"Which
do you choose, death or bundy?" and he thought: that was horrible, but at least
I have a chance of surviving, so with a stiff upper lip, being a game old chap,
he said: "I choose bundy." Again, the guards untied him and set upon him. They
raped him savagely and repeatedly, and his screams punctuated the night for
hours, until they finally left him unconscious, in a bloody heap. Now the third
explorer, when asked: "Which do you choose, death or bundy?", thought to
himsel
f: Bullshit! I'm not going to let these bloody savages do this to me--I'd
rather die! So he anwered, in a loud, clear, courageous voice: "I choose death!
Immediately, the Tribal Chieftan roared to his guards: "Death by bundy!"
========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 14:05:32 CST
From:         Valerie Meyer DeJong <V-DEJO@VM1.SPCS.UMN.EDU>
Subject:      gross bodily function joke

Subject: gross bodily function joke

What do you call a vegetarian with diahrea?

A salad shooter.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 17:46:24 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Ethnic humor <tasteless>

What's a Puerto Rican limousine?  A garbage truck with Mercedes hubcaps.

How about a Hatian safari?  Three roaches and a can of Raid.

Why don't Italians need to wear life preservers? Because gease floats.

Three men were trapped in the loft of a burning barn, and it soon
because evident that the only way out was by jumping into a pile of
horseshit.  The Egyptian jumped first, and the manure only came up
to his knees.  The Vietnamese was the next to jump, and it only came
up to his waist.  The Canadian (English speaker) jumped last, and
the shit came all the way up to his neck.  Know why?  He jumped head
first.

Once there was a penny-pinching farmer who decided to see if there
was anyone out there gullible enough to rent his outhouse.  So he
put an ad in the paper, and within two weeks a nice Mexican family
had set up house. The rent came in regularly, and after a few months
the farmer decided to take a stroll and see how his tenants were
coming along.  He wa startled to see a couple of TV antennas
sticking up from the roof.  "Oh, those," explained the Mexican
father. "We rented out the basement to a couple of Brothers."
========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 18:03:44 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Shocking 6th grade story <rude language>

Sad to say this is a true story which happened within the last two
weeks.  This story could be deeply funny except that the results
are likely to be tragic.

A sixth grader was asked to return to his seat and be silent.  The
student quickly ignored the teacher's request.  The teacher sharply
called for the student's attention and insisted that he sit down
now.  To which the student responded: "Suck my dick!"

The child was taken to the principal's office & he called the mom to
pick up her child (the principal was expelling the child).  When
the mother demanded an explanation, the principal explained what
happened and what the child had said.  Dear old mom exclaimed, "I
don't know why you are expelling my child, after all the teacher
provoked him."
========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 21:16:00 CDT
From:         Katie Buller <KTBULLER@MACC.WISC.EDU>
Subject:      Little Red Riding Person (PG for implied violence)

>
>     Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale
>                            by Jim Garner
>
>copied by Andy Tiarks  April 24, 1993
>originally appeared in "Comic Relief"  April, 1993
>
>     There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived
>with her mother on the edge of a large wood.  One day her mother
>asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her
>grandmother's house -- not because this was woman's work, mind you,
>but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of
>community.  Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather
>was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of
>taking care of herself as a mature adult.
>
>     So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the
>woods.  Many people she knew believed that the forest was a
>foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it.  Red
>Riding Hood, however, was so confident in her own budding sexuality
>that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
>
>     On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by
>a Wolf, who asked her what was in the basket.  She replied, "Some
>healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of
>taking care of herself as a mature adult."
>
>     The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little
>girl to walk through the woods alone."
>
>     Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in
>the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional
>status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused
>you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview.  Now, if you'll
>excuse me, I must be on my way."
>
>     Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.  But, because
>his status outside society had freed him form slavish adherence to
>linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to
>Grandma's house.  He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an
>entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself.
>Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was
>masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled
>into bed.
>
>     Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have
>brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your
>role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."
>
>     From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so
>that I might see you."
>
>     Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically
>challenged as a bat.  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
>
>     "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
>
>     "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of
>course, and certainly attractive in it's own way."
>
>     "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
>
>     "Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
>
>     The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and
>leaped out of bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent
>on devouring her.  Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at
>the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of
>his willful invasion of her personal space.
>
>     Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or
>log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called).  When he burst
>into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene.  But as
>he raised his axe, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
>
>     "And what do you thing you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
>
>     The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no
>words came to him.
>
>     "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to
>do your thinking for you!"  She said.  "Sexist!  Speciesist!  How
>dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own
>problems without a man's help!"
>
>     When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of
>the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his
>head off.  After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the
>Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose.  They decided to set up
>an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation,
>and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.
>

========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 19:23:03 -0700
From:         Undetermined origin c/o Postmaster <POSTMASTER@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Yo Momma.....

Yo Momma...
                is so dumb that when I told her it was chilly outside she ran
                outside with a BOWL.

                is so stupid, I taught her the *running man* and she hasn't
                come back since.

                was so ugly as a baby that she had to be fed with a slingshot.

                is so ugly you have to hang a piece of meat around her neck to
                get the dog to play with her.

                is so ugly, when she went to the zoo with a fur coat on they
                wouldn't let her out.

                is so fat that when she wore a Malcolm X t-shirt helicopters
                tried to land on her.

                is so fat when she puts on a red dress she looks like the
                Kool-aide man.

                is so stupid it took her 3 days to watch 48 hours.

                is so stupid it took an hour to make minute rice.

                your momma legs are so hairy that if she put on a fur coat and
                you gave her a banana she would look like a gorrilla.

                is so poor that she went to the Salvation Army asking for lower
                prices.

                so dumb she thought *Boyz II Men* was a nursery school.



Does anyone know any more?

Michael C. Phoenix AZ.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 20:55:01 CDT
From:         "Dennis Bil." <abe1@EDUC.UCALGARY.CA>
Subject:      Native jokes, R(offensive)

 What do Indian women do with thier used tampons?

  Take them to Bingo for Bingo blotters.


 What do you call 32 indians sitting in a circle?

  A full set of teeth.


 Why did the indian cross the road?

  To sleep in the other ditch.


 How many Indians does it take to srew in a light bulb?

 100, one to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink lysol till the
room starts spinning.


 There was this Indian couple driving along and the women
snuggles up to the guy. "Your pa-shon-it," she says and the guy
smiles(no teeth). She starts blowing on his neck and says
again,"your pa-shon-it," and he smiles again. "Your pa-shon-it,"
she says again while stroking his leg, he starts weaving all over
the road. All of a sudden she jumps up and yells, "What the hell
are ya doin' your pa-shon-it, da licker store is back dere."


   There was this white guy hunting up north for geese. He found
a nice spot right beside this reservation. This goose flies by
and he shoots it down. He watches it come down and then he walked
over to where he spoted fall. He got there and there was this big
ole' indian right beside it. "Get da fuck off mah land," the big
indian says. "Okay let me get my goose and I will leave," the
white guy says. "Fuck ya, dishis ma goose,"  "I shot it
down and it is mine," "Fuck off, dishis mine," "Okay, lets not
fight, lets settle this a mans way, we each take turns kicking
each other in the balls and the last one standing can have the
bird." The indian says "Okay me first". The white guy says" nope
I thought it up and i get to go first."
"Okay" the indian says. So the white guy takes a few steps back
and runs and kicks the Indian in the balls(cowboy boots too) and
the indian just flies like over a field. The Indian makes
his way back and the white guys says to him "Okay, you win, you
get the goose".


 An old squaw was going to be with this guy. She tells him to put
his finger inside of her cunt and he does. She tells him to put
his whole hand in and he does. She tells him to put his arm in up
to his elbow and he does(he is grossed out by this time). She
tells him to put his whole arm in and he does(he is really
grossed out now). She tells him to put his other arm in and he
gets it in. "Now Clap" she tells him. "I can't the isn't enough
room."  "Yeah, pretty tight eh?
========
------------------------------

Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 23:33:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Yo Momma.....

Yo momma...

...is so ugly that she went into a haunted house and came out with a
contract.

...is so fat that she jumped into the air and got stuck.

...is so fat that she has to use a snorkel to do the dishes.

...is like McDonald's -- over 45 billion served.

...is like a doorknob.  Everyone gets a turn.


These are from my 10-year-old son.

Shirl
kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu
========
------------------------------

Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 09:57:00 +0300
From:         Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject:      Trappists

There was this novitiate who joined a very strict Trappist
order.  Trappists are usually limited to a few necessary
words.  This order limited its members to 2, yes TWO!, words
only every 5 years, yes YEARS!

At the end of his first five years, Brother Ian was invited
into the Abbot's chambers and told he could now recite his
two words.

BED HARD! blurted Brother Ian.  And went back to his duties.

After five more years he was again invited in by the Abbot.

This time his two words, shouted out, were: FOOD TERRIBLE!

Another five years of silence, prayer and work.  And when
he came to the Abbot, he could hardly wait to shout out,
WORK INTOLERABLE!

Another five years go by and he enters the Abbot's chambers
screaming:  I QUIT!

When the Abbot met his colleague, Abbot Mark of the nearest
Trappist monastery, Abbot Mark remarked, "Too bad about losing
Brother Ian."  The Abbot shook his head and said, "The man
did nothing but complain for 20 years."


__Bob Werman    rwerman@hujivms.bitnet    rwerman@vms.huji.ac.il
Jerusalem
========
------------------------------

Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 07:53:44 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Light bulbs (clean)

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not funny!

How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes him nine years.

How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fifteen.  You got a problem with that?

========
------------------------------

Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 09:19:17 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM2.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      BALLAD OF MAE WEST'S BUST

BALLAD OF MAE WEST'S BUST


by Earl H. Emmons


My eyes have seen upon life's screen
   The wreck of countless dreams,
Where e'er I turn 'tis but to learn
   That naught is as it seems,
And 'neath the sun I've found but one
   Tradition I can trust,
One thing that's sure and does endure
   Is Mae West's bust.


As many years are wet with tears
   As down my checkered way
All I held true went up the flue
   And perished day by day;
I've viewed with grief each pet belief
   Go crumbling into dust
Till quite bereft there's nothing left
   But Mae West's bust.

The world is nuts and filled with mutts
   Who should have died at birth;
We're led by heels with no ideals
   And morons rule the earth;
Our ancient creeds are crushed by greed,
   By graft and bunk and lust
Till naught remains that's sure and sane
   But Mae West's bust.


Nor friends nor fame remain the same
   And life's a hollow shell,
I'm betting odds there are no gods,
   Nor Paradise nor Hell;
No lucid laws, no Santa Claus;
   Injustice rules the just;
In all life's range all models change
   But Mae West's bust.

Though void of hope, still on I grope
   For something staunch and real,
My slender faith a frazzled wraith,
   Yet seeking some ideal,
Till wracked by care and black despair
   And glutted with disgust
My heart would stop without the prop
   Of Mae West's bust.

Then let us crown this matchless mound
   For the courage it instills;
Oh noble shrine! Oh dome divine!
   Eternal as the hills;
Serene and fair it rises there,
   One promise we can trust,
One changeless thing to which we cling;
   Mae West's bust.
========
------------------------------

Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 10:21:00 CDT
From:         "PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU" <PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU>
Subject:      Jargon (some 'adult' language) and want ads

Recevied from a friend who got them from a friend

Here's a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors,
customers, or other divisions on the left coast.

East Coast                     West Coast
----------                     ----------

absolutely not                 maybe

yes                            maybe

action item by Feb 12 for joe  Joe's working on the problem

bozo                           subcontractor

brawl                          design review

dictator                       facilitator

do it and do it now            can you sign up for this program?

do it right or you're fired    I'm confident you'll get it done

fuck off                       trust me

follow the spec                is there a spec?

get out of my office           let's get concensus on this one

he's a jerk                    he's not signed on to our plan

he's a subordinate             he's a team player

I'll cover your ass            consider me your resource

ignore him, he's new           I'm bringing him up to speed

local bar                      offsite facility

meet me in the parking lot     let's take that discussion offline

oh shit                        thanks for bringing that to my attention

overdesigned                   robust

punch his lights out           constructive confrontation

shut the fuck up               thank you for your input

shut up a minute               let me share this with you

that's totally incompetent     let me build on that point

unemployed                     consulting

over budget                    on schedule

under budget                   we haven't started yet

we finished early              (no translation available)

we're done                     how do you feel about that?

what's your problem?           I certainly understand your feelings

where's the spec?              what's a spec?

where's the schedule?          what's the game plan?

your plan sucks                let me share my feelings on this plan
=============

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than
you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like
one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food
expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a
table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat,
size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique
lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in
factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce
at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it
carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle
spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an
Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of
beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your
likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.


Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to
pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and
bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the
Pere Lachasis Cemetery.  It boasts such immortals as Moliere,
Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the
Serena Lodge.  Swim in the lovely pool while you drink
it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress, but so
serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank.  You'll never reget it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .

This is the model home for your future.  It was panned
by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest.  Will take anything.


Wanted: chambermaid in rectory.  Love in, $200 a month.
References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in
sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be
willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here
first!

Christmans tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the
hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas.  Only $299.  For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or
drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience
preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced
yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try
us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses.  50% off!

Holcross pullets.  Starting to lay Betty Clayton,
Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food.  Must be dependable, like the
food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion.  Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted.  Widower with school-age children requires
person to assume general housekeeping duties.  Must be
capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched
in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in
your home for $40.00.


           And these beauties from the radio:

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a
ridiculous figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High
Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their
reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in
the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music
programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
========


------------------------------