From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 6 Jul 1993 There are 15 messages totalling 433 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Wisdom of humor 2. from my 7 year old 3. course proposal for business majors (long) 4. for real 5. Spanky, Curly, and Herman 6. Evaluations: 7. Gynecologist joke - cute, mildly sexual 8. From the movie "Dave" 9. DISGUSTING/INCEST RATED X 10. Microsoft and Jurassic park 11. Reagan age humor & change in rule about mail size 12. Re: reagan age humor and change of rules 13. Reagan joke 14. bugs on TV 15. off-color Ronald Reagan joke ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 00:23:17 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Wisdom of humor Favorite quips about humor: * Everything is funny as long as it happens to somebody else. * Humor is gravity concealed behind a jest. * A sense of humor is the only thing that keeps intelligent people from hanging each other. * It is not good joking with God, death, or the Devil. * A joke breaks no bones. * A joke is a very serious thing. * Jokes that give pain are no jokes. * A joke loses its punch when the teller laughs. * Many a true word is spoken in jest. * Joke with an ass, and he will flap you in the face with his tail. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 08:04:00 EDT From: Bernadette C Himaras Subject: from my 7 year old If your in Asia your an asian. If your in America your an American. What are you if your in the bathroom? European (You're a peeing). Bernadette Himaras bch@warm.semcor.com ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 08:03:29 CST From: Herb Rotfeld Subject: course proposal for business majors (long) the following course proposal is excerpted from Marketing Educator, Spring 1993 & Marketing News, August 3, 1992, under the title of "WHAT SHOULD MARKETING STUDENTS LEARN?" by Herbert Rotfeld, Associate Professor of Marketing 241 Business Building, Auburn University, Alabama 36849-5246 College should improve a student's communication skills, but students often want social skills to supplant education and become a major portion of course credits toward their degree. Worried about style, not substance, they demand that their academic program teach them how to work in groups and how to make a presentation. To make time for this training, many students insist the university abolish general education requirements that students study philosophy, history or English. "After all," they say, "you only need that stuff if you are going to be a teacher." The marketing concept says that we should give the consumers what they want. And maybe you agree with the students. To apply the marketing concept to the education our consumers, the students, think they need, the following course is proposed: To: All interested College of Business Faculty RE: New course for inclusion in business core requirements: "MEETINGS & PRESENTATIONS" Suggested as part of the business core course requirements, this new course will teach students the nature of group work and preparation for presentations. Using a variety of vapid case problems, "Business Meetings & Presentations" will emphasize the presentations, not the analysis. The nature of the cases is of minor concern. Students' grades will be based on the style of presentations and meetings, not on the substance of the ideas presented. As a prerequisite for all upper-level business courses, the course will teach skills noted by many faculty as a major importance in the "real world" ("reality," as such, being generally undefined but apparently denoting all activities going on outside the university). Other courses might include these concerns as minor part of the grade, but this course will make it a priority and primary area of interest of the students' education. Lectures will cover small group politics, construction of slides and transparencies, use of tape recorders and videotapes, style, fashion and wardrobe selection necessary to dress for success. Other topics could include public speaking, audience impact of winter tans, contemporary hair styles and proper use of cosmetics. Jeans will be banned from class meetings; grades will be penalized if business suits are not worn for presentations. Jogging shoes, dogs, bicycles, gym shorts, disheveled hair, backpacks and other articles a business manager might label as "unprofessional" will also have a negative impact on grades. Students would complete one group mini-project and presentation per week, with group composition altered for each assignment to minimize some students' potential unfair advantage via friendships developed outside class. On one hand, the students with the most friends will do the best work. On the other hand, this does reward students for political ability of being liked by everyone, a true business skill well within the goals of this course. The instructor's evaluation of case presentations will simply seek the minimal level of competence that allows the audience to be swayed by the style of the presentation. The substance only need to be good enough such that a good presentation will mask how it is substantively vapid. The "ability to work in groups" part grades will be based on peer evaluations. This will include students' ability to avoid arguments, sexual attractiveness and the quality of liquor or drugs served when acting as host or hostess for meetings. Students with busy schedules, unlisted phone numbers, apartments far from campus, as well as those who do not have answering machines or cooperative roommates, will be penalized accordingly. Throughout the term, style (the "slickness" of presentations) will be the focus for all grades, with points depending on students wearing suits for presentations. The substance and content of ideas and insight of analysis will be irrelevant as long as above discussed minimum conceptual abilities are attained. Some genetic factors relating to physical attractiveness and freedom from speech impediments might influence evaluations, but everyone knows that ugly people who talk with a lisp can't succeed in business anyway. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 08:24:01 CST From: Herb Rotfeld Subject: for real from my student evaluations of the course. the students are juniors and seniors: +"my grade was unfairly hurt by my in ability to write" (sic) +"I was not motivated by always having my ideas challenged" +"I would recommend this course only to a friend who likes to read" +"you could tell it was an unfair course because the average grade was a C" +"I did not like being asked about the readings before the instructor told me the answers of what parts we should know for exams." +"I would recommend this course only to friend who likes doing homework and writing term papers" +"it was unfair that my grade was not as high as it might have been if I had scored better when writing answers on test exams or typing the writing for doing term papers. I think not that my grade might be pulled down if the instructor has difficulty understanding what I meant to say" +"I did not like writing term papers" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 08:59:02 EST From: Peter Greenberg Subject: Spanky, Curly, and Herman I'm sure Spanky and Curly made it, but does Herman Munster go to heaven? Or does Grandpa rebuild him? Sheesh...what a depressing week for the most memorable comedians of my childhood. C'mon, humor colleagues, how about some jokes to cheer us up! Curly at the Purly gates. Spanky as an angel(!) Peter Greenberg ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 10:58:49 -0400 From: Grady Lacy Subject: Evaluations: Herb Rotfield's evaluation post reminds me of a comment a colleague in the math department here at Valdosta State got on one of his evaluations a good number of years ago. (He kept it on his office bulletin board until he retired.) "Dr. Xxxxxx in a fair teacher, but his testes are too hard." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 13:43:29 -0600 From: "Stephen Davies, Mount Royal College, Calgary; Ph#(403)240-6019" Subject: Gynecologist joke - cute, mildly sexual Q: What do puppies and near-sighted gynecologists have in common? A: They both have wet noses! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 13:18:34 -0600 From: Jill Harlow Subject: From the movie "Dave" Here is a joke from the movie "Dave": The woman I met was part Polynesian and part American. I guess that makes her Amnesian. BTW, "Dave" is a very funny and cute movie. Two thumbs up! P.S. Yes, it does get better after the first five minutes. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 15:48:45 EDT From: "Sammie L. Foss" Subject: DISGUSTING/INCEST RATED X One day a teenaged girl asked her father if she could borrow the car. She had just gotten her drivers permit, and wanted to go out with her friends. Her father told her that she could borrow the car ....IF she would suck him off. She promptly said NO WAY! and went to her room. She called her friends and told them that she could not get the car. Her friends told her that she had to get the car because there was a BIG party that night and EVERYONE was going to be there. It took a while but her frineds finally convinced her to do "whatever it takes to get the car." The girl wondered around the house for a while and finally got her nerve up to ask her dad again. His reply was the same. "If you suck me off you can borrow the car." Tempted by the huge party, she told him okay. He dropped his pants and she comminced to sucking him off. She immediately raised her head and replied "DADDY, THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!" He said that she would get used to it, and to keep on going. she said , "No, Daddy it really tastes like SHIT! REAL SHIT!" Then the father replied... "OH YEAH, I FORGOT, YOUR BROTHER HAS THE CAR TONIGHT!" -------- ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 13:39:31 PDT From: "Hazem N. Nashif" Subject: Microsoft and Jurassic park Q: What's the difference between Microsoft and Jurassic park ? A: One's a big theme park full of dinosaurs and the other is a Steven Spielberg movie. nashif@pmb.com ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 17:16:53 EDT From: Bill Edwards Subject: Reagan age humor & change in rule about mail size After consulting with 18 of our most frequent contributors, I have now changed rule #4 to read: Posts should be shorter than 50 lines; HUMOR will not accept posts longer than 100 lines (headers and signatures count in the total). Under the previous rule, people were allowed to post an article as long as 250 lines. This change is designed to protect subscribers from large volumes of unwanted mail. People who have collected large files of humor are encouraged to post *samples* from their files and offer to send complete files privately. Obligatory Humor: REAGAN'S AGE The primary goal of political humor is to defuse uncomfortable issues that will not respond to facts and figures. In 1980 and through the early years of his Presidency, Reagan's people were convinced that the biggest problem he had to overcome was the perception that he was too old to be president. And so at every opportunity, Ronald Reagan did age jokes. Reagan quoted Thomas Jefferson's comment that a person's chronological age should be no barrier to his service to his country. Then he would pause and say, "And when Tom told me that . . ." Speaking to the Washington Press Club, Reagan mentioned its founding in 1919 and added, "It seems like only yesterday." "I share with you the honor of this special occasion, the 105th annual meeting of the great American Bar Association. It isn't true that I attended the first meeting." Reagan said, "Well, Andrew Jackson left the White House at the age of seventy-five and he was still quite vigorous. I know because he told me." Said Reagan to a group of doctors, "We've made so many advances in my lifetime. For example, I have lived ten years longer than my life expectancy when I was born--a source of annoyance to a great many people. "Mr. President," asked Henry Trewhitt, a veteran reporter, ". . . you already are the oldest President in history, and some of your staff say you were tired after your most recent encounter with Mr. Mondale. I recall that President Kennedy had to go for days on end with very little sleep during the Cuban missile crisis. Is there any doubt in your mind that you would be able to function in such circumstances?" "I want you to know that I will not make age an issue in this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience." After that joke, age was never a serious issue during Reagan's Presidency. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 22:29:03 BST From: Mike Ellwood Subject: Re: reagan age humor and change of rules Bill's Reagan quotes put me in mind of Margaret Thatcher's "humor". She was not renowned for her personal sense of humour, and whenever her speech writers gave her a joke to tell, no one was ever sure whether she even got it herself. On one occasion, she was praising her steadfast, reliable adviser, William Whitelaw, who kept her out of trouble by urging caution now and again. "Every Prime Minister should have a Willy", she said. This was received with great amusement. However, no one is really sure, to this day, whether she told it straight and then realised the double-entendre, intended it as a joke all the time, or simply didn't even realise she had made a joke until someone explained it to her off-stage! Mike Ellwood,Abingdon, GB (mwe@ib.rl.ac.uk) "Help Preserve Endangered Species" O 8 /|\ /8\ O ,__o | /_\ /|\ _-\_<, _/ \_ _|_ _/ \_(*)/'(*) -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= (thanks to Joe Sweeney for the cyclist graphic :) ) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 17:44:46 EDT From: BETH WOODELL Subject: Reagan joke Adult sexual content, delete now if necessary The recent post about Ronald Reagan reminded me of a joke I heard recently (sorry if this one's already been on the list): Ronald Reagan was chatting with Strom Thurmond one day and said, "Strom! How do you do it? You're well into your 90's now and you're still as great a cocksman as ever. What's your secret? Vitamins? Exercise?" Thurmond says, "No, none of that. All I do is, get this, before I get into bed each night I whack my johnson against the bedpost four times. Wap! Wap! Wap! Wap! After that he's ready to party." Reagan is amazed, naturally, but Thurmond assures him it'll work for an old coot like him too. Reagan thanks him for the tip and makes a mental note to try it on Nancy that night. So, when he crawls into bed it's dark, Nancy is already in bed, probably with her hair in curlers and mud on her face....and Ronnie goes up to the bedpost, whips out his johnson and...wap! wap! wap! wap! Nancy immediately wakes up and whispers in the night, "Strom! Is that you?" Beth Woodell University of Maryland woodell@umuc.umd.edu "Gasoline and cheap perfume--half the smell of American adventure." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 17:23:57 -0500 From: Brad Pardee Subject: bugs on TV There was a man who was going to do a public access show on cable to talk about lyme disease, how to avoid it, and how to protect your pets. He realized after the first showing, though, that people were tuning in expecting to hear somebody discuss clocks and watches. So he decided that he would have to change the program's name, which was Tick Talk. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 23:03:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" Subject: off-color Ronald Reagan joke Q. Why did Nancy always insist on being on top? A. Because Ronald Reagan could only fuck up. ========== ------------------------------