From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Aug 1993 There are 6 messages totalling 202 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. PG-13 -- May be mildly offensive to some.. 2. Sunday humor 3. Limbaugh satire (rudeness alert) 4. tent preacher (cute) 5. LAST QUAYLE JOKE (fwd) 6. no gnus... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 05:42:45 -0400 From: Bert Headrick Subject: PG-13 -- May be mildly offensive to some.. Subject: PG-13 -- May be mildly offensive to some.. A bored housewife in suburbia is entertaining her lover in bed one day as, unknown to them, her nine-year-old son is taking it all in from her bedroom closet. As luck would have it, the husband arrives home unexpectedly from the office and the surprised wife shoves her lover into the closet. Son says to lover, "Sure is dark in here, isn't it?" After jumping out of his skin and crawling back in, the lover replied that it was. "Would you like to buy a flashlight?" asks the boy. The lover said he didn't think so. "Sure would be bad if dad found out about this," observed the boy. The lover enquired as to how much the boy wanted for the flashlight and agreed to pay the $25.00 price. Two weeks later, same housewife, same lover, same boy in the closet when husband again arrives home unexpectedly. Wife shoves lover into closet and son says, "Sure is dark in here, isn't it? Would you like to buy a fishing rod?" The lover agrees to pay the $50. price for the boy's fishing rod and his silence. Weekend arrives and father asks son if he would like to go fishing. Son replies, "Can't, dad; sold my fishing rod." Dad says, "That old thing? How much did you get for it?" When the son told him $50., dad proceeds to give him a stern lecture on morality and ethics and demands that he go to confession that very day. The son goes into this big church, enters the confessional, and pulls the curtain closed. He says, "Sure is dark in here, isn't it?" The priest replied, "Oh no, we're not going through that again!" Regards, BERT HEADRICK, HEALTH SCIENCE, BROCKVILLE ========== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 10:08:16 EST From: Herman Archie Subject: Sunday humor Enough to make agnostics of us all. I don't believe in atheists! Thank god I'm an atheist And we don't believe in you! If you believe in nothing, it believes in you. Wade is an agnostic, but that doesn't really matter. It also possible some of us no do grammar too good niether. "Sarcasm...,We don't get much of that around these parts" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 14:07:02 EDT From: Bill Edwards Subject: Limbaugh satire (rudeness alert) One of Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths 35) You should thank God for making you an American; and instead of feeling guilty about it, help spread our ideas worldwide. However, only WASPs need attempt to immigrate to the USA (unmarried women over the age of 29 should be strictly prohibited in all cases). :-) Unmarried women under the age of 30 wishing to immigrate into the USA should be given the Rush Limbaugh Test. The Rush Limbaugh Test consist of showing the young woman a suitable full-length photograph of Rush Limbaugh with the following choices: ___ (A) I am ready to marry this man (or one of his chosen followers); ___ (B) I find this man sexually attractive; ___ (C) If he is rich and gives me lots of money, I will have sex with him; ___ (D) even if this fat guy were rich, I wouldn't consider holding hands with him; ___ (E) he reminds me of an uncle who never got married, if you know what I mean. The young ladies who answer A or B will be admitted to the USA. The unattractive feminists who answer D or E should be held in detention until they can be sold to ugly Arabs as third and fourth wives. The prostitutes who answer C should be given green cards and should be allowed to re-take the test every year until they are 30 at which time the failures will be deported to Amsterdam or Marseille were they should be able to find additional work without the hazard of having to look at a picture of Rush Limbaugh every year. (Note for international members: Rush Limbaugh is a fat, rich Republican who has a 3 hour daily radio talk show and an half hour daily television talk show on USA media--one of his main sponsors is a learn-to-read course called "Hooked on Phonics" & WASPs are White Anglo-Saxon Protestants). ========== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 15:18:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" Subject: tent preacher (cute) Old-fashioned tent revival meeting. Fire-breathing preacher pacing back and forth, pounding on Bible, roaring at the crowd... "Brother and sisters, if there is anyone among you today who has committed adultery, may his tongue cweeve to the woof of his mouf." (Read it out loud. Makes better oral than written humor.) Shirl kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu ========== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 16:51:02 -0400 From: Amy Ward Subject: LAST QUAYLE JOKE (fwd) It was the sad duty of the President's long time friend, James Baker, to break the bad news to him late Election night last November. He walked into the Oval Office at about 2:00 a.m. and found the President and Vice President Quayle there."Mr. President" he intoned, "by the looks of the early returns, exit interviews and all other data we can assemble, it looks like you will lose the election. It seems certain that Bill Clinton will be the next President of the United States." Bush took the news quietly and with dignity. Then Dan Quayle piped up, "So, how did I do?" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 22:08:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" Subject: no gnus... --Boundary (ID /7bvgoXkwgCWFoFOfCQNaA) Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN --Boundary (ID /7bvgoXkwgCWFoFOfCQNaA) Content-type: MESSAGE/RFC822 Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 14:27:00 EST Subject: No gnus is good gnus Sender: Computer-assisted Reporting & To: Multiple recipients of list CARR-L Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN Posting-date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 00:00:00 EST Importance: normal A1-format: A1-type: MAIL Just because it is Sunday :-) ========= Forwarded Message ====== Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1993 21:42:02 -0500 Sender: mcwg9235@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu Subject: no gnus is gud knews Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small gnus wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the gnus, killed them, and started eating them. Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance. One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said: "That is the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions." Peter Moylan (ohmygod--Ed) --------------- Marsha Woodbury marsha-w@uiuc.edu U of Illinois/Urbana-Champaign --Boundary (ID /7bvgoXkwgCWFoFOfCQNaA)-- ========== ------------------------------