From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Aug 1993 There are 15 messages totalling 363 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. an exerpt... 2. Psycho 3. British army. 4. Nationality Jokes 5. Car names... 6. Rules for PASSWORD SELECTION 7. 8. Lines from Stand-up Comics 9. Fortran code.. 10. Diving-n-Drinking Monkey (sexual content) 11. Idea-Mildly sexual Text-Clean 12. Lawyer joke 13. another lion joke (bad pun/bad word) 14. Creation of Black Holes 15. American political humor ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 10:44:35 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: an exerpt... An exerpt from the speach delivered to the Lithuanian parlament by the president of the Central Bank there: "... all these people, breathing Lithuanian air, driving on Lithuanian highways, they should feel obliged to do something for the country's budget!" -- Saulius Kondrotas, Munich ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 11:26:50 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: Psycho During the Soviet years in Lithuania, there was a guy Romas Kalanta who burned himself to death in protest to the Communist regime. The official reaction at that time was that the guy's insane. Now, with Communists gone, a special commision was formed to prove that Kalanta (who has become a national hero) was sane and all right. So the commision (made of psichiatric experts) unburried the 10 years old remains, examined them, and presented a official report that Kalanta was in his own mind when he passed away. No problem. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 11:07:30 BST From: Derryck Lamptey Subject: British army. Apparently, an old british recruitment slogan for the army was: "Join the army, travel the world. Meet new peoples, and then kill them" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 14:37:32 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: Nationality Jokes A man from the Far North (those people used to be called "choukcha" as I have mentioned) comes to Moscow, to a conference of the Soviet Writers' Union. Upon seeing him, a Russian participant expressed his surprise: "What are you doing here? You barely can read, I guess!?" And the choukcha answered: "It's the writers' conference, I suppose, not readers'." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 14:22:25 BST From: Derryck Lamptey Subject: Car names... Anyone care to add some?? Names often mean different things in different languages: e.g (CARS) Vauxhaul Nova: In spanish, NoVa means "it won't go" Rolls Royce Silver Mist: In Deutch Mist, is supposed to mean "dung" Anymore?? Derryck. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 12:23:56 -0400 From: Alex Tsekhansky Subject: Rules for PASSWORD SELECTION /Gateways/Usenet/rec/humor/funny/RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS 6939.3.3218.1 RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS 7/3/92 16:30 61/2781 meulenbr@vdp-he.ce.philips.nl (Frans Meulenbroeks) Lines 1 to 61 of 61 (100%) ----- [Got this one from Piet Verbruggen. I think it is funny and instructive!] CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471 In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately. RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS: 1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password. 2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords. 3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password. 4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March. 5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words. 6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other. 7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password. Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately. ---- ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 10:48:52 -0600 From: Chester Hodges Subject: There was a farmer who had three daughters. One night A man came to the door. He said, "Hi I'm Freedy I'm here to take Betty to eat spaghetti." So Freddy left with Betty. Another man came to the door. He said, "Hi I'm Lou I'm here to take Sue to the zoo." So Lou left with Sue. A third man came to the doo. He said "Hi, I'm Chuck...." And the farmer shot him. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:06:50 -0400 From: Sharon Rondeau Subject: Lines from Stand-up Comics David Seinfeld: People's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. This means, to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. Denis Leary: Nonsmokers love these little facts...Smoking takes 10 years off your life. Well, it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? The ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, the adult diaper, kidney dialysis years. You can have 'em! Tim Allen: If it ain't broke, you probably still can fix it. Rita Rudner: In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. George Burns: I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast. Paula Poundstone: I dont' like sex. The only way I could get married is if I married a Mormon, so there'd be enough wives and someone could take my shift. Janeane Garofalo: My hell will be the Stairmaster ring of Dante's Inferno. Dennis Miller: Manson kills 14 people and he's on TV more than I am. SNL: Weekend Update...The first 1800 US troops sent into Somalia today have just been eaten. More on that as it develops. Jay Leno: In Connecticut, a prisoner on death row has gone on a hunger strike...here's a problem that pretty much takes care of itself. Richard Jeni: X-rated movies should be called Stuff That Never Happens to You Ever. Richard Belzer: You know you're at a 90's party when someone says, "I heard this great book." Elayne Boosler: I tried Slim-Fast. A delicious shake in the morning, then migraines and diarrhea for the rest of the day. Richard Lewis: You don't want to be in bed with somebody who says, "I'll race you to sleep." Louie Anderson: When you're getting pulled over, where do you pull over? Somebody said, "Pull over to a safe spot." So, I drove home. Gallagher: I know why God made babies cute...so we won't kill 'em. George Wallace: There should be an airline for fat people. The motto: "Doing our best to get your big ass off the ground." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 18:08:20 BST From: Derryck Lamptey Subject: Fortran code.. Spotted hidden in around 75,000 lines of fortran code: ...... CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FBUM',FBUM,ErrNo) <<< CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FPAR',FPAR,ErrNo) CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FSLUT',FSLUT,ErrNo) <<< CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FBSF',FBSF,ErrNo) ..... Derryck. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:42:05 EST From: ROBERT RYAN Subject: Diving-n-Drinking Monkey (sexual content) The other day there was a strange accident on the local interstate, where the only survivor was a monkey. A man and a woman were found in the back seat dead. The state trooper at the scene, commented to his partner, while looking at the monkey "If that monkey could talk, we would know what happened here". The monkey suddenly started shaking his head up and down, as if to say "I CAN I CAN". The state trooper walked over to the monkey and said "Do you understand me". The monkey started shaking his head up and down vigorously. The state trooper could not believe his eyes, but asked the monkey "What happened here ?". The monkey pantomimed holding a bottle up to his lips. The state trooper asked "Where they drinking". Up and down the monkey's head went repeatedly. "What else can you tell me?" said the trooper. The monkey held his index finger and middle finger to his lips. "Where they smoking dope?" Yes yes yes motioned the monkey. "What else" said the trooper. The monkey took his index finger and plunged it back and forth through a circle formed by his other hand. "They were screwing" said the trooper. The trooper looked back at his partner and said "What I don't understand is who was driving?". The monkey took hold of the steering wheel, turned his head looking back over his right shoulder with a big grin on his face. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:43:27 EDT From: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center Subject: Idea-Mildly sexual Text-Clean What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and a housewife? The prostitute says "Are you through yet?" while the nymphomaniac says "Is that all there is?" and the housewife says "Beige.....I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:55:00 -05 From: Sara Kendall Subject: Lawyer joke You know why lawyers don't eat pretzels? Because the salt makes them shrivel up. Sara Kendall skendall@ivy.bitnet ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 17:18:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" Subject: another lion joke (bad pun/bad word) Speaking of lion jokes: A mighty lion escaped from the zoo. He rampaged. He frightened the populace. He ate an editor, but people still wanted him caught. Then he ate a prostitute and fell asleep. Waking up in his cage, he groggily asked "What happened?" "Don't you know?" asked his lioness. "That was a bar bitch you ate." -- Ken Laws (As told to my brother, more or less, by a nun at his nursing school.) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 19:58:34 MST From: Brian Rawlings Subject: Creation of Black Holes A black hole is what happens when God divides by zero. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 22:17:19 EDT From: Bill Subject: American political humor Political humor via *The Santa Cruz Comic News* ---(Kirschen)--- American: Just a few years ago Russia was a real threat to the West. American: And now we've got practically nothing to fear from Moscow. Voice of doubt: Uh ... what do you mean practically nothing to fear. American: I mean ... other than their trying to borrow money from us. ---(Toles)--- The West: Fiercely independent region of the US, where the proud traditions of welfare logging, welfare mining and welfare ranching continue to this very day. Defenders of the great democratic principle: one man, two senators. (Sign: Federal Lands--Taxpayer subsidized). ---(Kirk)--- Reagan: And if we hadn't supported rapists, murderers and torturers in El Salvador, the country could have been taken over by communists! ---(unknown)--- Why the Senator is named Sam Nunn: How many homosexuals should be allowed in the military? Nunn. How many homosexuals should be allowed to be teachers? Nunn. How many of your friends are homosexuals? Nunn. ========== ------------------------------