From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Aug 1993 There are 22 messages totalling 546 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. To Lorelei E. Peters 2. Apocalypses Now 3. Allegory 4. two cats 5. Exerpt from Horror film.. 6. Sexist (with sex, of course) 7. myth 8. Flying Farmer (rated G) 9. Train (R) 10. Shells 11. 12. Sign 13. George Carlin on Abortion 14. Sign 15. Boiled rice served with sauce 16. Life 2.2 A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago 17. A whale of an undertaking 18. stories with a moral (PG-13) (violence) 19. an even worse moral story 20. My favorite limerick 21. Another Sign 22. potato joke (clean but a real groaner) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 09:40:15 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: To Lorelei E. Peters You can't signoff from this list, ever! Nobody can. That's the humor. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:04:08 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: Apocalypses Now Maybe it's not that funny at all. I was sitting with my coffee this morning and looking at the casualty insurers' financial ranking tables when it occured to me that, in fact, what I am looking at is a proof the society as a whole has become secular. For if people believed in God, they would have to believe in Apocalypses, too. And if they believed in Apocalypses they would surely try to get insured against it. The casualty insurers would perform better and so would my stock. We definitelly should do something to improve that religious education. -- Saul (Munich) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 05:56:34 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Allegory UNDERSTANDING ALLEGORY Nasrudin is sitting among a circle of discipline, when one of them asks him the relationship between things of this world and things of a different dimension. Nasrudin says, "You must understand allegory." The disciple says, "Show me something practical--for instance an apple from Paradise." Nasrudin picks up an apple and hands it to the man. "But this apple is bad on one side," cries the disciple, "surely a heavenly apple would be perfect." "A Celestial apple would be perfect," says Nasrudin, "but as far as you are able to judge it, situated as we are in this abode of corruption, and with your present faculties, this is as near to a heavenly apple as you will ever get." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:32:51 GMT From: lory Subject: two cats there are two man and two cats. One man says: i want this cat but how can i acknowledge my cat tomorrow? The other man answers: We could make a color sign up your cat| -"No it is not a good idea" -"We could cut an ear at your cat|" -"No it is not a good idea" -"We could cut the tail at your cat|" -"No it is not a good idea" -"We could cut a leg|" -"No it is not a good idea" -"We could cut the tongue|" -"No it is not a good idea" Now the first man is very furious, he takes away a cat and he shouts: "STOP| I TAKE THE WHITE CAT AND YOU TAKE THE BLACK CAT||||". email: AIELLOL@IMIHSRA.BITNET ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:46:30 BST From: Derryck Lamptey Subject: Exerpt from Horror film.. From Phantasm II, The nasty says to a terrified "victim-to-be": "You think when you die you go to heaven... YOU COME TO ME!" Derryck. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 13:32:12 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: Sexist (with sex, of course) Found in the New York Times, Business Section: Did you hear about the baby born the other day with both sexes? It had a penis AND a brain. --------- My inner macho wouldn't allow me to use it as it is, so I replace penis vith vagina. Still, it works fine. -- Saul (Munich) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 07:49:30 CDT From: Ed Johnson Subject: myth So, if the rape myth is not true, why do we keep re-electing democratic congresses? --Ed Johnson ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 08:52:10 EST From: ROBERT RYAN Subject: Flying Farmer (rated G) A farmer and his wife went to a county fair and were fascinated by a barnstorming pilot who was offering rides for $25. The farmer had never seen a plane close up and he certainly had never ridden in one. "I'll tell you what," said the pilot, "if you and your wife can ride in the plane with me and not utter a single sound during the whole ride, I'll let you ride for free. Otherwise, you pay. How about it?" The farmer agreed and soon they were in the air. The pilot was determined to make his passengers shriek in terror. He did loops and flips and everything else he could think of, but the two passengers sitting behind him never made a sound. After the ride, as the farmer was climbing out of the plane, the young pilot told the old man, "I really am surprised, but as I said, you ride for free. I can't believe that you managed to keep silent for the whole ride." "Yep," said the farmer, "but it was pretty tough. I almost screamed when my wife fell out." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:35:52 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: Train (R) An older priest and a young couple take a ride on a train. After a while, the couple disappears onto the upper bunk leaving the priest below. The priest hears some giggling and pretty soon a bit of something whitish drops down on his sleeve. He looks at it and ask suspiciously, "Are you fucking up there?" "Why we're eating ice-cream!" Relaxed, the priest picks the substance with his finger and licks it off. Again, a drop of same size falls onto his sleeve. He picks it with a finger, licks it and says, "Are you going to finish that ice-cream of yours?" "Why we're fucking!" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:47:43 -0400 From: Ian Chai Subject: Shells I read in this week's Science News how scientists are discovering ways to use the stuff that comes from the shells of crabs, shrimp, etc. Hmm, wouldn't that be unethical? I mean, that's chitin, isn't it? ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:05:42 -0600 From: Chester Hodges Subject: What's the definition of a perfect woman? a) She's 3 feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a pint glass on it. b) The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. c) The economy model f---s all evening and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:29:44 CDT From: "Scott P. Muir" Subject: Sign I saw this in a store this weekend. Children Left Unattended will be Sold as Slaves. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:32:00 CDT From: Mike Weatherred Subject: George Carlin on Abortion ''You ever notice that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to f--- in the first place????'' --from George Carlin ''What Am I Doin' in New Jersey'' mjw Kansas State University bitnet: CUBSFAN@KSUVM internet: CUBSFAN@KSUVM.KSU.EDU ''It is far better to have tried and failed at K-State than to have graduated from KU.'' ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:38:15 -0500 From: David Gamble Subject: Sign This sign is posted at the check out stand of a convience store at my school. "Need a penny, take a penny, need two pennies, get a job." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 16:46:51 GMT From: Roberto Bendotti Subject: Boiled rice served with sauce One couple falls in love , the day of their marriage they take an oath: "For every betrayal we put a grain of rice in a box ". After some years the husband on the dead bed ask hopeless to the wife: "Can we open the box now ? " The wife answer: " Are you sure ? " -"yes, i am very sure, it is my last replay " The wife runs to the house to take the box, then with the husband opens the box and there are four grains of rice. The husband ask pardon because three grains are yours , the wife answer : "Don't worry Harold , I HAVE ALREADY COOKED TWO TIMES BOILED RICE ||| ". "HA HA HA HA HA" email: Bendotr@imihsra.bitnet ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:04:49 PDT From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 2.2 A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago ----------------------------------------------------------------- There was this girl who was such an airhead that she thought 'nirvana' was where Wheel of Fortune contestants stand.... (Groan!) ----------------------------------------------------------------- A visitor to one of the Aleutian Islands, off Alaska, broke his glasses. He was told by his guide that he couldn't get the glasses repaired until he returned to Anchorage. "You mean there aren't any optometrists on the island?" said the man. "If you see one," replied the guide, "it will just be an optical Aleutian. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Why do seagulls live near the sea? Because if they lived near the bay, they'd be called bagels. ----------------------------------------------------------------- There was a pediatrician--who shall remain nameless--who, though he was a good doctor, was heartily disliked by all his young patients because in an effort to entertain them he performed boring magic tricks. One day, a sharp kid got an idea for getting rid of the jerk. As Dr. X was doing his tricks, the kid said -If you're such a good magician, let's see you turn yourself into an apple.- The doctor complied, and quick as a wink, the brat took & shoved the apple into a box & taped the lid shut. And the children were jubulient because they figured they had him out of their way. Then someone had a troubling thought. -How do we know he's still really in there?- he asked. -That's easy- said the kid, -Just weigh the box. If it weighs less, it means he's escaped.- So that was what they did. A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is reported that both crews have been marooned. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Basques and the Spaniards were tearing up the countryside with one of their endless wars when the Basques chased the Spaniards into a box canyon. Thinking that they had trapped the enemy, the Basques fortified the only entrance hoping to starve the Spaniards into submission. After weeks of waiting, the Basques were surprised by an attack on their rear and soundly defeated: the clever Spaniards had found another way out! The moral of the story is, of course, DON'T PUT ALL OF YOUR BASQUES IN ONE EXIT. ----------------------------------------------------------------- An English baker opened a bakery in a resort area in Northwest Africa. He featured his two specialties, traditional scones and fresh brown rolls. For his grand opening, he offered a sample of both of his specialties free with any purchase. Despite this appealing promotion, his grand opening was a failure. For while he attracted some of the tourists in the area, none of the local people patronized his bakery, with the exception of the reporter for the local newspaper, who filed the following headline: "A Roll and Scone Gathers no Moors." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:11:00 MDT From: Spit Bounces Subject: A whale of an undertaking How do you circumcise a whale? Four skin divers. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:11:00 EDT From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: stories with a moral (PG-13) (violence) these are pretty bad. no, really. they're groaners and then some! every day, this panhandler would always stood on the same street corner. and every day, the same well-dressed gentleman would pass by, on his way to work. the panhandler always asked for two dollars for a meal, and the gentleman always gave it to him and never even thought about it. finally, with winter coming, the panhandler figures that he could just ask for a larger sum, and then he wouldn't have to stand outside in the snow and cold. the following day, when the gentleman came by, the panhandler asked for $500! well, the gentleman was outraged! he not only did not give the panhandler his usual two dollars, but declared that he would never give the man another cent! with the loss of this regular income, the panhandler eventually died of starvation. which just goes to show... you should never put all your begs into one askit! :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ all the counts of the kingdom got together to overthrow the king. they formed a pact of secrecy and swore that none would ever give away the names of the others. having found out a few of the names from one of the count's squire, who was very loyal to the king. one by one, the king summonned the counts and interrogated them upon penalty of death to disclose the names of the other counts, in which case they would be spared their lives. one, particular count wasn't too sure about whether the names of his accomplices were worth his head, but he kept silent right up to the axman's block. with his hands tied behind his back, and his head down on the block, the ax was raised. just as the executioner was bringing the ax down, the count shouted, "no! wait! i'll talk!" ...but to no avail. the ax fell and that was that. which just goes to show... you shouldn't hatchet your counts before they chicken. :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ a dastardly knave, who was so poor that he was only able to build himself a tiny, one-room house made of grass, had a fairly bizarre compulsion: he liked to steal the thrones out of the castles of surrounding kingdoms. the mystery grew, day by day, because this knave was so clever. he would pilfer by day; he would pilfer by night. he would creep in quietly; he would walk in brazenly while the royal family was out on a hunt. but he never got caught. finally, one day, all the thrones that he had stolen (and had hidden away in his house) became too much for the frail, grass walls of his house to bear. they crashed through the walls and fell all about his property. a passing knight errant saw what happened, reported to his king what he had seen, and the poor knave was put to death for his deeds. which just goes to show... people who live in grass houses shouldn't stole thrones! :) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 14:47:54 EDT From: "Sammie L. Foss" Subject: an even worse moral story there was this black man who always wanted to be white. one day he found a genie, who said that he would grant him 3 wishes. the man promply wished that the genie make him (1) white (2) uptight (3) out of sight the genie turned him into a tampon. which goes to show...... there are always strings attached. BARF, Sammie ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:15:10 EDT From: BETH WOODELL Subject: My favorite limerick I'm sure you covered limericks before I got here, but here's my favorite anyway. Before I tell you, you should know that in the study of law there is a Latin saying--"De minimis non curat lex"--translating roughly as 'the law does not concern itself with trifles.' Or so I am told. There once was a young man named Rex, Cursed with a diminutive organ of sex. When charged with exposure He replied with composure, "De minimis non curat lex." Beth Woodell University of Maryland woodell@umuc.umd.edu Walking proof that gentlemen do NOT prefer blondes ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:56:35 -0400 From: Sharon Rondeau Subject: Another Sign *MISSING* Husband, Shotgun and Dog Reward for Dog ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:45:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" Subject: potato joke (clean but a real groaner) --Boundary (ID nn6+y46MrS7ynJ/5UfrN/g) Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN --Boundary (ID nn6+y46MrS7ynJ/5UfrN/g) Content-type: MESSAGE/RFC822 Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 19:28:00 EST Subject: Re: No gnus is good gnus Sender: Computer-assisted Reporting & To: Multiple recipients of list CARR-L Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN Posting-date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 00:00:00 EST Importance: normal A1-format: A1-type: MAIL ::ahem:: There was once a family of potatoes: the father potato, the mother potato, and their three potato daughters. One day the eldest potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother, oh father, I am to be wed!" "To who, daughter?" they asked. "To the King of the Tator Tots!" The potato parents were elated at the news. "Oh joy!" they cried out. "We will be royalty, and have riches far beyond our wildest dreams!" The next day the middle potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother, oh father, I am to be wed!" "To who, daughter?" they asked. "To the Emperor of the Golden Yams!" Once again the parents could not contain their glee. "Hurrah!" they exclaimed. "We will be amongst the most powerful potatos in the entire kingdom!" The next day the youngest potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother, oh father, I too am to be wed!" The potato parents were absolutely astonished. How much better could their lives actually get? "Tell us, daughter," they implored, wide-eyed and hopeful, "who are you to wed?" "I'm gonna marry John Chancellor!" The smile fell from the faces of the potato parents as they looked at each other, nonplussed. Then the father potato looked back at his youngest daughter and said, "John Chancellor? But....he's such a..._common_ tater!" ___________________________________________________________ Aaron Dickey kieran@phantom.com More insomniacs subscribe to World News Now than to any other mailing list! wnn-request@world.std.com --Boundary (ID nn6+y46MrS7ynJ/5UfrN/g)-- ========== ------------------------------