From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Aug 1993 There are 15 messages totalling 443 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Re: an even worse moral story 2. Rasist (mild) 3. Rasist (strong) 4. Flea experiment (offensive) 5. Russian Jokes 6. Difference between (both vulgar & insensitive) 7. Clintonomics 8. gates humor (G) 9. Commuter Joke (inoffensive) 10. Final Cut (R) 11. Re: My favorite limerick- Offensive to Most! 12. boreland -- this may be true! (adult language) 13. some humorous advice for lovers 14. Pygmies & women 15. letter to congressman/one bad word ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:13:01 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: Re: an even worse moral story >there was this black man who always wanted to be white. >one day he found a genie, who said that he would grant him 3 wishes. >the man promply wished that the genie make him > (1) white > (2) uptight > (3) out of sight >the genie turned him into a tampon. > >which goes to show...... > there are always strings attached. > >BARF, > Sammie ---------------------------------- There is another version of this. The black wanted to be white and see a lot of pussies. The genie turned him into bidet. -- Saul (Munich) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:41:06 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: Rasist (mild) A white man comes from England to South Africa. He is looking for a hotel but all the hotels are full so he makes up his mind to try out a hotel for blacks. They have beds all right, but there is one problem: under the law, a white man cannot sleep in a blacks' hotel. Since it's getting late in the night, the receptionist has an advise to offer: "Take this shoe-wax, rub it into your face, neck, and hands - so that nobody could tell you from a black - and I'll give you a bed for one night. I'll wake you up at dawn, you wash the wax off and leave the hotel before anyone notices." The man does what he was told. Early in the morning, the receptionist wakes the customer up. He goes to the bathroom and tries to wash the wax off but nothing happens. Horrified, he scrubs and brushes, there is no more soap left, but no way, he's still black... ... For the receptionist woke up the wrong man. -- Saul (Munich) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 09:56:04 BST From: Derryck Lamptey Subject: Rasist (strong) Two South African Police were on patrol, (In the strong days of passbooks, etc) and they came across a black boy of around 12. He was out of his area, and one of the policemen urged him to get home asap. He started running, and the second policeman took out his bazooka and shot the black boy in the back. The first one said: "Why did you do that?" The second one replied: "I know where he lives, and he would never have been able to get there before curfew" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:54:59 METDST From: "Ing. Jan Kucera" Subject: Flea experiment (offensive) WARNING! May be felt as offensive by the Russians! A great Russian scientist Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow made experiments with a flea. He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped 40 centimetres high. So he took a pencil (a big Russian invention) and put the following record in the experimental log: "I said: 'Jump,flea!' and it jumped 40 cm." Then he tore off one of the flea's legs. He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped 30 centimetres high. He recorded: "When I tore off one leg, the flea jumped 30 cm." Then he continued tearing off other legs and the flea jumped 20, 10, and 2 centimeters high, respectively. Everything was recorded in the log book. When only 1 leg remained, the poor flea jumped only 1 millimeter and a half high. Again, it was recorded. Finally he tore off the last leg. He said: "Jump, flea!". No response. He said again (in a high voice): "Jump, flea!". Nothing. He shouted: "Jump, flea!!!!!". The flea did not move. So Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow took a pencil for the last time and wrote: "I tore off all flea's legs and it cannot hear." --- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:59:02 EDT From: Ron Chibnik Subject: Russian Jokes >From: ykk1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Yury K. Kryschenko) Organization: Mississippi State University Gorbachev came to one Siberian village. The only one he saw there was old, very old man. He asked this old man, where all the people were. Old man answered that all of them are it taiga. Gorbachev asked him to call people back, because he wants to talk to common people. Old man took his gun and fired into air. In a half of an hour several men appeared and asked old man:"what's the matter, did somebody brought vodka"-"No, Gorbachev came". All men , disappointed, go back to taiga. But Gorby was not satisfied with this and asks old man to fire again. He did it and again, in a half of an hour, several man appeared "What's happening, did somebody brought vodka?" "no, Gorbachev came" "Did you missed the first time?" ---------------- Andropov, the head of Soviet Union after Brezhnev, had been dead for 3 minutes. He was taken in Heavens and met Brznev there. Andropov asked him: "What shall I take with me to heavens when I'm completely dead?" and Breznew answered him "nothing, but fork and spoon" "Why? " - said Andropov - "You know"- continued Brezhnew -"when Hitler is on duty in the kitchen, he makes me and Khruschev eat with hammer and sickle" ---------------- Once a communist party functioner came to collective farm and tald farmers about the life in next 20-30 years, when communism will be built. He says: "Ewereyone of you will have your own helicopter or plane". "Why do we need it?" - asked one old woman. "don't you understand? let's say they have no bread in the store near you. You get into your plane, and go to Moscow!" ---------------- >From: mxk4576@ritvax.isc.rit.edu Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology "I like collecting jokes about myself." Says Carter to Brezhnev. "I have already collected three volumes." "I also enjoy collecting jokes about myself." Answers Brezhnev. "I have already collected three full prisons." And one more: Q: What would happen if communists conquered the Sahara? A: Nothing for the first five years, and then they would run out of sand. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:58:54 -0400 From: "Brian K. Auger" Subject: Difference between (both vulgar & insensitive) What is the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epilectic oysterman? Well---one shucks between fits... Brian K. Auger bauger@cap.gwu.edu Montgomery County Department of Public Libraries ROCKVILLE REGIONAL LIBRARY 99 Maryland Avenue 301 217 3857 Rockville, Maryland USA 20850 301 217 3931 (fax) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 13:36:59 CDT From: Ed Johnson Subject: Clintonomics Did you hear the President's speech last night where he was promoting his new budget? Great stuff. He balances it by taxing us retroactively, and the tax cuts don't come until 1997. (Didn't I see this done in Time Square with a pea and three shells?) Hey, I like this Clinton stuff. Let's apply it to Congress as well. My incumbent can count on my vote, as long as it's not counted before the tax cuts take effect in 1997, otherwise he can take his retirement, retro- actively. --Ed Johnson University of Alabama ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:19:46 -0700 From: "S., James" Subject: gates humor (G) From: SMTP%"OS2-L@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl" 4-AUG-1993 12:16:32.19 To: JAMES CC: Subj: Humor: More tastefull Gates Humor, OK so don't read it. Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:07:30 PDT Sender: IBM OS/2 Unedited Discussion List From: "Bruce A. Miller (x2380)" <9118MILL%UCSBVM.bitnet@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl> Subject: Humor: More tastefull Gates Humor, OK so don't read it. To: Multiple recipients of list OS2-L Got the following passed on from Source Unknown. OK, so its not as amusing as Adaptech adaptors or some such. Just send your complaints direct to me.. =========== Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no return. So, he called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to the gates of heaven. He informed them of his decision and told them to go back to their people and prepare them for the end of the world on Thursday. Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he has bad news and worse news. After decades of telling the Soviet citizens that there is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong. He has seen God with his own eyes. Worse yet, God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit. Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news and bad news. After centuries of telling the US citizens that there is a God, he has proof that we've been right. He has seen God with his own eyes. But the bad news is that God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit. Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting. He says that he has wonderful news and even more wonderful news. God, by calling him to the gates of heaven with the leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world, has just confirmed how important Bill Gates really is. The even better news is that on Thursday, IBM will stop shipping OS/2. ----------- End Forwarded Message ----------- ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 15:49:18 EST From: Peter Greenberg Subject: Commuter Joke (inoffensive) Two commuters see each other every day on the train station for 14 years and have never said a word to each other. Finally, one commuter addresses the other: "You know, for 14 years, we see each other every day and we've never once spoken." Other commuter says, "You're right. That really is terrible. So, tell me, how are you?" First commuter says, "Oy, don't ask!" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 14:41:57 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Final Cut (R) From Entertainment Weekly magazine: By now everyone has heard about the Manassas, Va., man whose wife, claiming he had raped her, cut off his penis with a kitchen knife. A team of surgeons successfully re-attached the offending member, but there's an even happier outcome: Now the unidentified spouses are trying to sell TV-movie rights to the story. Naturally, they're going to need a title, and, for their consideration, Entertainment Weekly would like to make a few suggestions: Cutter and Bone Bye Bye Birdie Farewell My Lovely She's Gotta Have It Divorce American Style Little Man Tate Return of the Pink Panther Poetic Justice Pee-Wee's Big Adventure The Unbearable Lightness of Being You Can't Take It With You Where's Poppa? Free Willy ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 19:31:30 -0400 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Re: My favorite limerick- Offensive to Most! Beth Woodell's limerick reminds me of my favorite: Betty Sue's masturbational style Was enhanced by Frenchified guile. She used a weiner; It was neater and cleaner. Now, she's a confirmed francophile. Lee Bradley Assistant Professor of -- you guessed it! -- French ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 17:22:05 -0700 From: "S., James" Subject: boreland -- this may be true! (adult language) Subj: Brain behind Borland's most popular C++ compiler laid off ! Date: Wed, 4 Aug 93 13:54:20 PDT From: Jules.Damji@eng.sun.com (Jules Damji) --Microsoft must have an insider at Borland to find out so quickly. Talk about fuck ups! Subj: Brain behind Borland's most popular C++ compiler laid off ! * --------------------------------------------- * From PCWeek July 13, 1993 * * During a round of lay-offs at Borland recently, the man behind the * company's slick new C++ compiler was surprised and more than a little * miffed to get a letter saying that his was one of the heads to roll. So * he packed his bags and made for the car park. Days later, Borland's * personnel dept realized that there had been a minor administrative error. * They hadn't meant to sack the most technially brilliant chap at the * company after all - just someone with the same surname. Philip Kahn got * on the phone in person offering copious apologies and an even fatter * salary than ever if he were to agree to return. * * "F**K you - Microsoft called 2 hours after I left. I start on Monday," * came the reply. * ******** an update to the Borland story..... From: Denis Gilbert(Microsoft) I can help clear this up: The article is referring to Sin Lew, the lead who almost single-handedly wrote the Bore-land 32-bit optimizer and back end, shipping in Borland's OS/2 product and currently holding up their NT product. He was laid off in December and, yes, I was on the phone within the hour and hired him. He's the lead on our PowerPC compiler project and really smoking. Because of his contribution, we'll be demoing MS Apps running native on Mac/PowerPC the day Apple announces their new systems. This, in my opinion, ranks as one of Borland's biggest fuck-ups ever. * * * ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 20:24:10 EDT From: Bill Edwards Subject: some humorous advice for lovers Don't keep telling the lady you are unworthy of her. Let is be a complete surprise. (Catskill Mountain News of Margaretville, NY) Cupid's darts hurt more coming out than going in. (Arizona Silver Belt, Miami Arizona) A sensible girl is more sensible than she looks, because a sensible girl is too sensible to look sensible. (Tribune, Chanute, Kansas) Our high school junior girl, who really settled down during the last semester to improve her mind, says she's sorry she did, because most of the boys she knows began to seem stupid. (Graphic, Lake City, Iowa) The moon not only pulls the ocean back and forth in the tides, but it stops cars on side roads. (Farmer's Press, Towner, N.D.) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 21:41:52 EST From: Herman Archie Subject: Pygmies & women What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team? Well, a tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning little runts! :-) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 23:03:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" Subject: letter to congressman/one bad word I was rooting through some files, and came across this photocopy of what appears to be a letter to a congressman from an elderly lady... Dear Congressman Tyler: I want to thank you for helping me get my increase in my S.S.I. payment. I had enough money left last month to buy me a radio. It is so much company to me. I have been here in the Stockton nursing home since my dear husband passed away 3 years ago. I never have any visitors so my new radio means a lot to me. Mrs. Pearl Carnes, who lives in the next room, has had a radio since she came here 2 years ago but she would never let me listen to it. She is 85 years old and I will be 83 March 3. Lask week, her radio fell off the table and broke and she asked me if she could listen to mine and I said fuck you. Sincerely yours & may God bless you, Maud Davis *** Shirl kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu ========== ------------------------------