From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Aug 1993 There are 20 messages totalling 581 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. personal growth 2. Church joke 3. Bumpersticker 4. dyslexics 5. Lesbian (rated R) 6. still one more sign! :) (G) 7. Employment Joke (Some language) 8. Bumper sticker 9. Bumper Sticker jokes. (Clean) 10. Ashes to Ashes 11. Top ten ways to annoy your room-mate! 12. country joke (may offend Billy Ray Cyrus fans) 13. Re: Bumpersticker 14. Gilligans Theme Song 15. The same act for different purpose 16. Lawyer bashing (PG) 17. Barney episodes 18. Lawyer Jokes (Questionable) 19. Life 2.3 - A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago 20. Humorous advice to scholars ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 07:15:01 EDT From: Just For Laughs Subject: personal growth One person's personal growth is often another's yeast infection. When passing by aerobics classes I often think that clothes do make the man, but spandex makes the woman. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 08:03:10 CDT From: "Scott P. Muir" Subject: Church joke A man in a small mountain church in Southern Appalachia had "pleasured hisself" with a woman of the town, and the members of the congregation gathered to decide whether or not to "church" him. They met all afternoon, one group arguing to throw him out and the other arguing to forgive him. Finally one old woman in the back of the church stood up. "Brethern" and sistern," she said, "I've been a member of this church for forty years. All it's ever been around here is fornicate and forgive, fornicate and forgive, fornicate and forgive. And I'm telling you I'm tired of being the one that's always a'doin' the forgivin'!" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 08:24:21 -0500 From: David Gamble Subject: Bumpersticker Saw this one on a car the other day. "Defeat Hillary in '96" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 10:37:00 GMT From: David French Subject: dyslexics Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac ? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog. ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper ? He sold his soul to Santa. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:39:20 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: Lesbian (rated R) Q. What makes the lesbian to climb up the wall? A. A crack in the ceiling. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 11:22:00 EDT From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: still one more sign! :) (G) notice on the wall in a physics lab: do not look directly into laser with remaining eye! be seeing you, oxo ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 10:13:05 -0700 From: EMMA Subject: Employment Joke (Some language) Preface to joke: Around 1985-86 our district brought in a consulting firm to evaluate positions and salaries and to make recommendations. A FEW employees benefited. The MAJORITY lost future step advancements and/or had their jobs reduced to a lower pay level. As a reaction, this memo was circulated via email among employees. Hope you enjoy this. *********** TO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES FROM GOVERNING BORED DATE 22 APR 1986 1. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger employees who represent our future. 2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system at greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). 3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply for a new re- employment eligibility service. This service will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as many times as management deems appropriate. 4. If an employee meets all of the above requirements, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan since the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED by management. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for Immediate Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications, one should only request this service once. 5. Employees can enhance their retention prospects by signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been the policy of management to ensure all employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given our employees more SHIT than any other organization in the country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you can stand. 6. To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only upper-management and their selected brown-noses will be given raises and exempt status from the above programs. Yu Bien Haad MCCCD GOVERNING BORED P.S. We in upper management would like to once again applaud the HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study; heck, we couldn't have paid anyone to make up a better report! ***************** Emma Walters Computer and Instructional Technology Services Scottsdale Community College Walters@scc 9000 E. Chaparral (602) 423-6220 Scottsdale, AZ 85250 (602) 423-6200 FAX ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 11:51:14 -0700 From: Mary Anne Duggan Subject: Bumper sticker Even though I am a teacher, I found this one to be really funny. In my area, it is not uncommon to see bumper stickers that read something like this: "My child is an honor student at Adams Elementary!" I was driving behind this beat up old truck with a bumper sticker which read: "My kid beat up your honor student!" Mary Anne Duggan CXOZI@ASUACAD Arizona State University "Life is what happens while you're busy Counselor Education Program making other plans." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:08:18 -0400 From: Brett Malone Subject: Bumper Sticker jokes. (Clean) If I read another stupid bumper sticker joke, I'll puke. (Hey, maybe that should be a bumper sticker.) Brett Malone Virginia Tech ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 13:19:45 -0700 From: Brian Rawlings Subject: Ashes to Ashes You know you have a bad funeral director when he replaces your dead relative's ashes with Folgers Crystals. -- Brian Rawlings ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:43:00 EDT From: Alex Leary Subject: Top ten ways to annoy your room-mate! Date sent: 5-AUG-1993 15:39:54 A friend passed this along: #10 Put all your socks and underwear in his closet and accuse him of stealing them. #9 Put twinkies in the bottom of a trash can; when you get hungry, dig through the trash to get something to eat. #8 If your room-mate takes the trash out before you get hungry, demand he reimburse you. #7 Levitate.... When your room-mate turns to see, fall back down in your chair. #6 Turn your computer on when your not using it, and off when you are using it. #5 Subscribe to Field & Stream; pretend to masturbate while reading them. #4 Array twelve toothbrushes on your dresser... refuse to discuss them. #3 Just before your room-mate falls asleep, ask a question that starts #2 Handcuff yourself to his bedpost and demand he bring you food. #1 Collect dog shit in baby food bottles.... arrange them on a shelf according to what you think the dog ate. -----al _________________________________________________________________________ US Snail Mail + E-Mail + Intern Reporter: Alex Leary + --------SUNY Cortland------- + The Cortland 35 Delaware Ave + Learyj@snycorva + Sunday Democrat Cortland, NY 13045 + SNYCORVA.CORTLAND.EDU + ------------------ ==== + ========= + News desk: Potsdam College + ****** (607) 756-2107 ****** + (607) 749-6001 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I wanna be on top. Forever on the up and damn the competition." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 13:48:34 -0600 From: Chester Hodges Subject: country joke (may offend Billy Ray Cyrus fans) Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus are captured by terrorists. They are brought up in front of a firing line. The head terrorist asks Billy Ray Cyrus for any last requests. To which Billy replies "Well, I sure would like to sing _Achy Breaky Heart_ jus' one more time!" The head terrorist says "fair enough". The head terrorist then asks Garth Brooks the same question. And Garth answers "shot me first!" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:46:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" Subject: Re: Bumpersticker Saw this one on a car this very afternoon: Protect the easily offended. Ban everything! Shirl kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 14:56:28 -0700 From: PRATT DAVID Subject: Gilligans Theme Song This version is directly from the CD containing many themes to TV classics Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sailin' man, the Skipper brave and sure, five passengers set sail that day, for a three hour tour, a three hour tour. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew the Minnow would be lost. The Minnow would be lost. The ship aground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle with Gilligan, the Skipper too. A millionaire and his wife, a movie star, the proffessor and Mary Ann, here on Gilligan's Isle. (Ending verse) So this is the tale of our castaways, there here for a long long time. They'll have to make the best of things, it's an uphill climb. The first mate and his Skipper too will do their very best, to make the others comf'terble in their tropic island nest. No phone ,no lights, no motor car, not a single luxury like Robinson Crusoe it's primitive as can be. So join us here each week my friends, you're sure to get a smile, from seven stranded castaways here on Gilligan's Isle! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 17:30:17 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: The same act for different purpose This is another humorous lesson taught through the Sufi teacher (Mulla Nasrudin). These stories are more like one of Aesop's fables than a joke. Several people have written to say that they have recognized some of these stories as Yiddish. I've noticed that too. Culturally and geographically, it shouldn't be surprising that Jews, Arabs, and Persians (Iranians) would share some similar art forms. Now the story: BLOWING ON HIS HAND Nasrudin is visited by a would-be disciple. The man, after many vicissitudes, arrives at the hut on the mountain side where the Mulla is sitting. Knowing that every single action of the illuminated Sufi is meaningful, the newcomer asks Nasrudin why he is blowing on his hands. "To warm myself in the cold, of course." Shortly afterward, Nasrudin pours out two bowls of soup, and blows on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" asks the disciple. "To cool it, course," says the teacher. At this point the disciple leaves Nasrudin, unable to trust any longer a man who uses the same process to arrive a different resutls--heat and cold. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:38:00 MDT From: "Chris Reinhart (303)556-3684" Subject: Lawyer bashing (PG) Here is my favorite lawyer basing joke as told to me by a relative (who happens to be a lawyer): There were three surgeons at a cocktail party discussing their work. The first surgeon says "I like working on accountants because all of their parts are numbered". The second surgeon says "I like working on artists because all of their parts are color coded." The third surgeon says "I like working on lawyers because they only have two parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they're interchangeable!" Chris Reinhart Univ. of Colorado at Denver Auraria Library Denver, CO IN%"creinhart@cudnvr.denver.colorado.edu" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 17:53:49 -0500 From: "I thought therefore I was." Subject: Barney episodes BARNEY EPISODES WE'D LIKE TO SEE (BUT PROBABLY WON'T!) "BARNEY GETS A BONER" "BARNEY'S NIGHT WITH MADONNA" "BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD" "JURASSIC BARNEY" "BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN" "BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS" "BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER" "BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG" "PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO" "BOPPING BABY BOP" "BARNEY'S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS" "BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET" "BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA" "BARNEY ON A BENDER" "BARNEY HAS NEEDS..." "BARNEY AT BETTY FORD" "BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS" "BARNEY'S BIG PURPLE ONE" "BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- NOTE: No one assumes responsibility for this drivel and we're not even sure where it came from (rumors are that it was left on our doorstep by a large yellow bird, who ran away shouting something about "that overstuffed purple b*stard!"). Anyway, aspiring writers should send their creations for inclusion in this list to: lasitjb@Texaco.COM 7-14-93 ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 19:59:16 EDT From: Tom Murray Subject: Lawyer Jokes (Questionable) Here is my favorite lawyer joke passed on to me by my Aunt who works with the lushes all day long. Q: Why do lawyers button their shirts all the way up? A: So their foreskin doesn't come up over their heads! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 17:17:15 PDT From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 2.3 - A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago Bumper Snickers: On the left corner of the bumper there was a sticker saying: "Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy" On the right corner of the bumper there was a sticker saying: "Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy" LEMMINGS DON'T GROW OLDER, THEY JUST DIE Speed Pays -- the doctor, the hospital, the mortuary. Illiterate? Write for free help. MY OTHER CAR IS A REAL OTA ONE SOVIET INVASION CAN RUIN YOUR WHOLE DAY Seen near the Stanford Linear Accelerator: Beware of Quantum Ducks, Quark! Quark! Support mental health, or I'll kill you! Help Stamp Out Intolerance! I'm not FOR apathy and I'm not AGAINST it. I'VE BEEN TO THE SHOP THAT SELLS BUMPER STICKERS Archaeologists will date any old thing. JazzerSleep FIGHT ORGANIZED CRIME, STAMP OUT THE IRS I cannot be fired. Slaves have to be sold ESCHEW OBFUSCATION The highway of life is always under construction DOES THE NAME PAVLOV RING A BELL? WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES NOW GO HOME DO LOS ANGELES A FAVOR. WHEN YOU LEAVE, TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU. I love, I owe, so off to work I go. WARP 6 A Law We Can Live With The San Diego Freeway.... Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! THE TROUBLE WITH POLITICAL JOKES IS THEY GET ELECTED. THE BEST THING TO SPEND ON YOUR CHILDREN IS TIME I HATE BUMPER STICKERS SUPPORT YOUR RIGHT TO ARM BEARS! Also seen: IBM PC's eat Apples! IGNORE APATHY Seen on a plummer's truck: In my business, a flush beats a full house. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 23:38:59 EST From: "Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia" Subject: Humorous advice to scholars HOW TO WRITE A PROPERLY SCHOLARLY ARTICLE by Gerald M. Phillips (Copyright USA 1979) published here with permission. When I was a lad, I served a stint, As editor of a journal in print, I fixed the commas, corrected the words And made sense out of assorted sherds. I cleansed the stuff in all its nooks, And now I am the author of forty-four books. (Apologies to Admiral Sir Joseph Porter) If you wish to succeed in threading your way through the academic labyrinths, you must learn to turn a neat phrase, a neat ankle, else turn over a new leaf. As that noted sage, Sir Basil Metabolism was wont to remark, "It does not suffice to be soporific alone, for doing that office is oft an eleemosynary enterprise. One must learn prolixity, obfuscation, attentuation and art of sesquipedalianism." (Book of Academic Encrustation, University of West Wombat, 1906). Now, witnesses to history, you may observe the unveiling of the cornucopia of cunning and craft, known as PUTZ (Phillips' Universal Taxonomic Zones), the proper use of which will earn you academic credibility so long as you observe the formula throughout your essays, assuming that all phrases are comprehensible to all and sundry. You can use PUTZ merely by constructing concepts. Choose one word at random from columns A, B, & C. Do this twice and connect the two phrases with an appropriate verb (maximizes, enhances, accretes, synthesizes, incubete, fertilizes, inseminates, obscures, deflorates, etc.) Verb selection will be explained in full in our next bulletin called DRIVEL (Diversified Rudimentary Individualized Verb Eleemosynary Lexicon.) THE PUTZ LIST Col A Col B Col C universally pragmatic archetype parametric practical paradigm phenomenological adaptive demographic innovative universal presentation creative efficient prognosis future-oriented fanciful forecast statistical visionary strategic plan contemporary hard-headed criticism precedental businesslike hypothesis imaginative constructive theory productive rhetorical principle deconstructionist politically correct manifesto original epistemic interpretation inventive architectonic heuristic ingenuous derivative adjudication behavioral sophisticated structure generative user-friendly dimension heuristic deconstructionist empowerment interpersonally correlated generalization functionally confounded epitome meaningful cognitive orientation co-oriented synergistic construct empathetically affective concept empirical multivariate design scientific technological application dialectical analytical synthesis Freudian expressive finding Note that words in columns A & B can be interchanged merely by putting words in column A into adjective form and making adverbs out of the words in Column B. Leave column C alone, PUTZ. ========== ------------------------------