From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Sep 1993 There are 12 messages totalling 503 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. From Babur 2. Henry the Sperm (Dirty) 3. Headaches 4. Love poems 5. Stuff to do at the office pt. 2; stuff to do at the supermarket 6. Michael Jackson 7. When you see an elephant 8. OOPS! Stuff to do at the supermarket 9. More Dirty Jokes 10. Minority logic... 11. Disneysleaze 12. speed of sex, etc (NC17 - sex, incest) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 12:43:10 TSI From: Babur Saylan Subject: From Babur Thanks Joe Mole, being a Turkish, I'm very happy for reading Nasrudin stories And I'm, again, sorry for my English... ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, The little boy was hiding himself under the back seat of the automobile when hi s elder brother was taking girls to the top of a hill. Every time he hears his brother asking 'yes or no?', when teh girl answers no, his brother says 'okay, then you'll descend yourself.' It had been repeated for many times. And one day the little boy takes his girl- friend (|) in the back of his bicycle and when they attempt the top of the hill , he returns and asks: 'yes or no?' The girls answers yes... The little boy thinks a little time and says: 'okay, you take the bicycle, I'll descend myself.' ||| I hope you enjoy yourself...Bye-))) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 12:23:15 +0100 From: P S Gupta Subject: Henry the Sperm (Dirty) ------------------------------ Start of body part 1 This is the story of Henry the sperm who was very ambitious. He wanted to be THE ONE to cause fertilization. He was indeed the strongest in his group of friends for he would do almost anything to keep himself fit & strong. One day things started to warm up - it was time... Henry & all his sperm friends started to run to reach the egg. Henry put in all he had and was leading ------------------------------ Start of body part 2 Suddenly, Henry stopped & started running back screaming - "Everybody get back... It's a BLOW-JOB". ------------------------------ End of body part 2 ========== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 13:51:06 -0400 From: Michael Ligas Subject: Headaches If you hit a man over the head with a fish, he'll have a headache for a day. But if you teach a man to hit himself over the head with a fish, he'll have headaches for the rest of his life. - Unknown ========== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 13:50:35 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Love poems The passionate shepherd to his love by Christopher Marlowe Come live with me and be my love, And we will all the pleasures prove That valleys, groves, hills, and fields, Woods, or steepy mountain yields. And we will sit upon the rocks, Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks, By shallow rivers to whose falls Melodious birds sing madrigals. And I will make thee beds of roses And a thousand fragrant posies, A cap of flowers, and a kirtle Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle; A gown made of the finest wool Which from our pretty lambs we pull; Fair lined slippers for the cold, With buckles of the purest gold; A belt of straw and ivy buds, With coral clasps and amber studs: And if these pleasures may thee move, Come live with me, and be my love. The shepherds' swains shall dance and sing For thy delight each May morning: If these delights thy mind may move, Then live with me and be my love. The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd by Sir Walter Raleigh If all the world and love were young, And truth in every shepherd's tongue, These pretty pleasures might me move To live with thee and be thy love. Time drives the flocks from field to fold When rivers rage and rocks grow cold, And Philomel becometh dumb; The rest complains of cares to come. The flowers do fade, and wanton fields To wayward winter reckoning yields; A honey tongue, a heart of gall, Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall. Thy gowns, thy shoes, thy beds of roses, Thy cap, thy kirtle, and thy posies Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten-- In folly ripe, in reason rotten. They belt of straw and ivy buds, Thy coral clasps and amber studs, All these in me no means can move To come to thee and be thy love. But could youth last and love still breed, Had joys no date nor age no need, Then these delights my mind might move To live with thee and be thy love. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 13:51:43 EDT From: BETH WOODELL Subject: Stuff to do at the office pt. 2; stuff to do at the supermarket More stuff to kill time in the office: --> Rearrange your desk ergonomically. --> Put up a new picture. Take down an old picture. Take down the picture of your old flame and replace it with a picture of a celebrity in the same frame. Wait for the gossip to fly. -->Go through the VAX password generator. See how many passes it takes for it to generate a password at random that happens to be an English word. (Advanced project: See how many passes it takes for the password generator to randomly generate a word in any language you know.) -->Organize the Office Olympics in your office. Suggested events include... target archery (shooting rubberbands at dates on the calendar; highest number wins) hurdles (make tripods out of paper clips and try to jump them by rolling the tips of your outstretched fingers over the hurdles without knocking them down) pole vault (stack a bunch of books on the desk and bounce a virgin #2 pencil by the eraser over the stack) biathlon (new event! shoot a Bic pen cap from the straw nozzle of an aerosol computer/small appliance cleaner; can be done for distance and for accuracy) optional: spelling bee (go thru old memos or e-mail messages from the president of your company or university and see how many grammar and spelling errors you can find) Guess what I've been doing on a pre-holiday Friday? (8-) Beth Woodell University of Maryland woodell@umuc.umd.edu "The #1 role of tomorrow's senior executive: screw things up." --Tom Peters ========== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 12:08:34 CST From: Fernando Davila Nieto Subject: Michael Jackson Copied from alt.tasteless.jokes without permission... Have you heard Michael Jackson's formed a new band ? New kids on my cock. What does Michael Jackson have after dinner ? Under-eights. Michael Jackson's new cover version ? "Don't let your son go down on me." OR "I'm forever blowing Bubbles." It don't matter if you are black or white... As long as you are under 13. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 14:39:52 EDT From: Bill Subject: When you see an elephant A debt of gratitude to Mr. Pittman for suggesting the "Elephant Search Evaluation for Job Class Analysis." I have made a minor alteration to his test. Mr. Pittman did not realize that one's political philosophy could be determined when you ask a person "What do you think when you see an elephant?" :-) What do you think when you see an elephant? Anarchist: That elephant was better off before the government started protecting him. Animal rights person: That animal should be free to be wild. "Close the zoos, free the animals." Communist: A pig created by a capitalist. Congressperson: I wonder how many elephants I could get for my district. Conservationist: A major polluter and destroyer of forests, grazing and farm lands. Conservative: I should hope nobody expects me to feed that mass of flesh and bones. Democrat: Neat. But if we are going to have them in our zoos, only African elephants should be used and the rich should be taxed to pay for their up-keep. Dittohead: Rush Limbaugh. Environmentalist: Poor animal. The United States government is neglecting the welfare and very survival of beautiful creatures like this. Fully one-third of Africa should become a preserve for elephants and the leading capitalist countries should subsidize the African governments so they can maintain these preserves. Feminist: A symbol of male dominance and exploitation. Gay: Proof that homosexuality is natural. Labor leader: That's an unfair labor animal. These animals should be prohibited from entering the United States to do work that our people do. Each elephant imported for zoos should be cared for by six full-time union zoo-keepers. Liberal Republican: This animal is or will soon be extinct. It is a shame because they are such cute animals. Liberal: I wonder how much taxpayer money we should appropriate to help that beautiful elephant. Lobbyist: That's interesting. I wonder who represents elephant interests at the capitol. I wonder who is afraid of elephants; they may need my help, too. Monarchist: I still like Lions better. Moral Majority (Religious-right) member: Proof that God has a sense of humor and evidence that the theory of evolution is wrong and that life should preserved at all cost and that the Bible is the inerrant word of God because elephants are mentioned in the Bible. National Rifle Association member: Time for target practice. Perot-moaner: What's that animal doing here? All that animal wants is to take my job? If it stays here, my taxes will be raised to maintain it. This is just another Republican dirty trick. Poor Democrat: Ut oh, I bet a dozen poor people could live in a welfare hotel for a year for what it cost the government to take care of that thing for one month. Send that elephant back to Africa. Republican: The symbol of my party. Only hardworking white elephants from Asia should be used for our logos. Rich Republican: Nice for circuses and zoos as long as they are supported by user fees and not by well-bred and successful investors like me. Senator: I wonder how much pork I could get out of that big pig. Small business Republican or Democrat: If I could get a government contract to feed that elephant, I could be rich and join the country club. I wonder to whom I need to give a "contribution" to get the government contract to feed elephants and clean-up their crap. Southern white male: I wonder whether that is an African or European elephant. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 15:26:31 EDT From: BETH WOODELL Subject: OOPS! Stuff to do at the supermarket Here's hoping our venerable listowner doesn't whip me 40 times with an electronic wet newspaper for posting TWICE to the list (oooo) but I think I need to do so in order to fulfill my promise. In my "stuff to do" post the title comes on to you with "stuff to do at the supermarket." What brought that on was me, constantly grocery shopping and finding myself always stuck in long lines. If you pick up a magazine to kill time, ya gotta be careful because if you don't put it down fast enough it might get rung up with the rest of your order! (8-) So I amuse myself now by reading the tacky headlines on those tabloids and try to figure out what they REALLY mean. You know there's gotta be a come-on with some of those teaser headlines. For example: "Jane Fonda AIDS Heartbreak" - sounds juicy, right? So you turn to page 29 (you have to wade thru a lot of ads and stuff to get to the good junk) and it turns out, Jane Fonda doesn't have AIDS. Peter Fonda doesn't have AIDS. Heck, even Bridget Fonda doesn't have AIDS! It's just that when Jane thinks of all those little kids who got AIDS from tainted blood and can't attend school because the community is up in arms, it just breaks her heart! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ What can YOU come up with? What's the REAL story behind.... "Donny Osmond Caught in Gay Lovenest" "Raymond Burr's Final Days of Pain and Shame" "Loni: 'I'll Scratch Burt's New Girlfriend's Eyes Out'" "Dolly Parton Facelift Mess" "Wynonna: My One True Love" Some of you were asking for real-life humor from me. You came to the right place, 'cause nothing is funnier than real life. Beth Woodell University of Maryland woodell@umuc.umd.edu "I hereby affirm and avow that I have NEVER once in my life bought a tabloid." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 15:53:24 -0500 From: Julie Kotok Subject: More Dirty Jokes I've thought of a couple more of the jokes from the pool party... Three couple went to a church to join it, a couple in their 20's, one in thier 40's and one in thier 80's. The preist told all three couples that if they could abstain from sex for 6 months they could join the church. Well six months and the three couples go back to the church. The couple in thier 80's said that the first few months were ok, but the last month has been a bit tense. They succeeded and the priest let them join the church. The couple in their 40's went to talk to the priest and told him that the first month went by ok, but after that it got really hard. They also succeeded and were allowed to join the church. Lastly was the couple in their 20's. They had made it through the first week ok, but after that they were going crazy, chewing on trays of ice every night and getting real grumpy they thought the six months would every end. The night before they met with the preist the wife bent over the freezer and her husband did her right then. The preist apologized and told the couple they could not join or ever come back in their. The husband said that the people in the supermarket told them the same thing last night. julie ========== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 16:08:13 EDT From: Larry Kyrala Subject: Minority logic... Often times, minorities are mistreated by the majority, which leads to civil rights abuses, discrimination, and bad jokes. This is unfair, so minorities have developed a method of defending themselves from the majority... it goes like this: 1) We're picked on because we're different from everyone else. 2) You shouldn't pick on us because deep down, we're the same as everybody else. 3) But we're going to lobby for special treatment to ensure that we're different from everyone else... 4) And when we get it, we can tell everyone else how we are finally accepted as being "equal" to everyone else. 5) Unless everyone else complains about being picked on because they're different from everyone else... 6) In which case we'll lobby against them, because they shouldn't be treated different from everybody else, when they're really the same as everybody else. 7) And if someone tries to point out that that's what we did, we'll tell them to go "someplace else". _______________________________________________________________________________ "Everybody's a minority... you just have to find the right body part..." _ __ ___ ____ _____ ______ _______ ________ Internet : Larry_Kyrala@vnet.ibm.com _______________________________________________________________________________ ========== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 19:07:07 -0400 From: Byron Lanning Subject: Disneysleaze Copyright 1993 by Byron Lanning EURO DISNEY CONTINUES EURO REFORM Disneyland-September 3 (PETER FUNK PRESS). Michael Eisner, chairman of Walt Disney Corporation, continues his plans to stop Euro Disney's financial losses by making the park more appealing to Europeans. Eisner has completed the first phase of the plan and will begin the second phase next year. The first phase of his plan consisted of Euro Disney selling liquor in the park and rescinding the order that required its female employees to shave their armpits. In the second phase, Euro Disney will not only offer liquor to its patrons but also prostitution. This includes a plan to open another hotel in Euro Disney's Frontierland. Eisner wants it modeled it after a 19th century bordello of the American wild west and called Kitty's Cathouse. In this hotel, Euro Disney patrons can have sex with Disney cartoon characters. Eisner even promises the Disney prostitutes will have hairy armpits, and in keeping with its the park's family atmosphere, Disney will sell condoms in the hotel lobby. Each condom will have a drawing of a Disney character on it or a photograph of Michael Eisner. If Kitty's Cathouse does well, Eisner may consider opening a new attraction in Euro Disney called Sleazeland, which Heidi Fleiss will manage when she gets out of jail. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 14:42:43 PDT From: Marty 'Spiff' Kuhrt Subject: speed of sex, etc (NC17 - sex, incest) The posts of the last few days have brought to mind the following... RE: lesbian/gay male racing, speed & sex Q: What is the speed of sex? A: 68, because at 69 you flip over and eat it. Q: What's another sexual definition of 68? A: You give me head, I'll owe you one. Q: Why is 77 better than 69? A: You get ate (8) more! ~~~~ CAUTION: offensive humor follows RE: the incestuous joke reminded me of some 'backwoods types' jokes Q: What do you call a twelve year old girl from the backwoods thats a virgin? A: A girl that can out run her Dad and brothers. Lum: Reb, hear tell you'n got married to Daisy Lew. Reb: Yup, had ta kill er on the huneymoon, tho. Lum: Whyzat? Reb: She tolt me she wuz one of them thar virgins. Lum: So? Reb: Well, ifin she ain't good enuf for her kin, she shorenuf not good enuf for ars! Mazie Sue: Paw, kin I haf the pickup truk this eve'nin for to go to town and see a movin pitchur show? Paw: Well, Mazie, you kin haf the truk, on the kindition that you put some slurpin on m' tadpole Mazie: O.K. Paw. (at which point she proceeds with the act) Mazie: Ewwwww, daddy, yer tadpole tastes lik a turd Paw: Oh yeah, I plum fergot, yer brothers got the truk ta'nite. ========== ------------------------------