From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 6 Sep 1993 There are 90 messages totalling 2275 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. When I see an elephant 2. Jewish joke 3. Age 4. Feminist joke (may offend Feminists) 5. Middle Age 6. Female jokes 7. statistics 8. Help, please! 9. statisticians 10. Newfie jokes 11. It was the dog that died 12. Sarajevo & Bush humor 13. Warning: May be consdiered blasphemous 14. A Few Mildy Offensive Quickies 15. language joke 16. Monkey Joke (kinda gross) 17. doctor's new machine-slightly obscene-very slightly] 18. Previous joke of Feminist/Wheelie Bin 19. Re: Sarajevo & Bush humor 20. you need both english and french for this one (enfants non admis) 21. X rated - attractive female 22. a Scottish poem 23. Mildly Offensive 24. Silly 25. Do you know where God lives? 26. Re: language joke 27. A Freudian slip 28. Phrase Game 29. Alternate names for God (Non-Offensive) 30. The law as it should be (crude) 31. Offensive language 32. indian joke & nun jokes (hope these aren't too offending!) 33. Vegetable jokes 34. Military education 35. Light bulb joke 36. DH Lawrence poem about intimacy 37. A funny based on Fr. word "baiser" 38. Re, Re Language Jokes 39. Camel joke 40. Light bulb joke (sexual content) 41. Bloopers 42. From the Daily Collegian 43. Re, Re Language Jokes 44. A bar joke 45. Writer Under Death Sentence 46. CD-ROM (might be insulting) 47. I understand that it would be considered 'bad taste' to introduce myself as Randy. eg "Hi, I'm randy" 48. Another personal name 49. Blowing on his hands 50. For women only 51. A Blonde's Dictionary, non sexual 52. Re: For women only 53. Blonde & Lesbian jokes (Offensive) 54. Remarkable Names of Real People 55. more names 56. Re: Remarkable Names of Real People 57. more names 58. Cartoon 59. Life 2.D - A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago 60. Story 61. Eiffel Tower (PG) 62. Re: more names 63. Clean" but mildly offensive to men? 64. Real names 65. Al Gore's Top 10 66. GIFT 67. Re: Burma Shave 68. Re: GIFT 69. INSULTING-TO-WOMEN? 70. Jay Leno Mottos 71. Real Names 72. Why are you looking here? 73. Speaking of real named I have a friend by the name of Mike Hawk. 74. American Indian Names Joke 75. Re: Speaking of real named I have a friend by the name of Mike Hawk. (possibly offensive) 76. Farm Joke, Clean Text but....... 77. Speaking of real named I have a friend by the name of M 78. Prudence 79. Thoughts of others 80. Silly Name 81. Another Clinton Joke 82. THE Rules < May offend Men > 83. Re: Rush Limbaugh 84. more names 85. Life 2.E A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago 86. Names 87. Humorous Greeting Card 88. Poem (Rated G) 89. Helpful advice for tourists in England *language* *innuendo* 90. The Pope's visit to Colorado (clean) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1993 16:38:03 TSI From: Babur Saylan Subject: When I see an elephant I'm always sorry for my English||| ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, when I see en elephant, .......................I pray I'll not see another behind me. when I see the 'another', .........................I would have probably no time to think the third. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1993 16:31:11 METDST From: Jan Kucera Subject: Jewish joke There was a rich Jewish man in Bohemia who had a beatiful daughter. And a shnorer [Jewish beggar] lived in the same town and he had a son. As it happens, tho two young people fell in love for each other and wanted to marry. But the girl's father did not want to give his only daughter to a shnorer's son and strictly refused. The girl, her lover and his father knelt in front of the rich man but in vain: I never will agree that my daughter marry such a "niemand". The girl was so sorry without her love that she fell ill. She almost did not eat and was weaker and weaker. A doctor said that her life was in danger. Finally the rich man gave up and agreed that the couple may marry. But now the shnorer showed his pride. He said that he would not give his son to a daughter of a man who was so cruel that almost caused her death. The rich man even came to the shnorer and begged him to aggree with the marriage for the sake of the girl's life. After some hesitation, the shnorer aggreed under the condition that the rich man would go on begging with him for a whole day. So they went together and asked people for some money. Of course people knew the rich man, so he had to pretend that he had lost everything. He stated that his house was destroyed by a fire, his factory bankrupted etc. And, to his surprise, he got quite a lot money. They continued the whole day and when evening was approaching they came to a local "metropole" - Golcuv Jenikov (a small Czech town). The shnorer told the rich that his condition was fulfilled and he aggreed with the marriage of the young couple. So they went home to tell their children that they may be happy. On the way the rich man remarked: "But we might have finished this Golcuv Jenikov too!" -- =================== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1993 15:27:00 -0700 From: Linda White Subject: Age In honor of my cousin, who is almost a half-century old, and for anyone else with near-at-hand birthdays: Age is: ...always fifteen years older than I am. - Bernard Baruch ...a matter of feeling, not of years. - George W. Curtis Youth is a blunder; manhood is a struggle; old age a regret. - Benjamin Disraeli When a man is young he writes songs; grown up he speaks in poverbs; in old age he preaches pessimism. - Hebrew proverb Age is not all decay; it is the ripening, the swelling, of the fresh life within, that withers and bursts the husks. - George Macdonald A man is still young as long as women can make him happy or unhappy. He reaches middle age when they can no longer make him unhappy. He is old when they cease to make him either happy or unhappy. - Anon. ...when one begins to exchange emotions for symptoms. - Anon. - Linda, over the hill and enjoying the view ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 16:32:51 +1000 From: Julie Ledster Subject: Feminist joke (may offend Feminists) Q. What is the difference between a wheelie bin and a feminist? A. At least the wheelie bin gets taken out once a week. (A feeble effort, I know, but hopefully someone got at least a giggle out of it) Julie Ledster. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1993 23:58:48 -0700 From: Linda White Subject: Middle Age Responding to popular demand, here are some more Age epigrams: Middle Age: ...is a time of life that a man first notices in his wife. - Richard Armour ...is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. - Daniel Bennett You know you are there when your gray hair isn't premature. - Eugene E. Brussell ...is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. - Glenn Dorenbush ...is when you don't have to have fun to enjoy yourself. - Franklin P. Jones ...is when you are sitting home on Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. - Ring Lardner ...is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever. - Don Marquis ...is when you have met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else and usually is. - Ogden Nash ...is when anything new you feel is likely to be a symptom. - Laurence J. Peter ...is the time when you'll do anything to feel better, except give up what's hurting you. - Robert Quillen - Linda, another day older ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 14:37:57 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Female jokes Question: What's the best way to make a pussy talk? Answer: Put a tongue in it. --- Question: What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? Answer: A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers. --- Two gynecologists meet at lunch. The first one says, "I had a patient this morning with a clit like a pickle." The second one says, "That big or that green?" The first one says, "That sour!" --- Question: What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Answer: Nothing. They're both stuck-up cunts. --- Question: What would you call a lesbian who drives a delivery truck full of dildos? Answer: A "Dick van Dyke". Personally, I find some of these jokes offensive, but I can't help laughing at the people who tell them. Me too. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 12:04:48 -0700 From: "S., James" Subject: statistics From: Anand.Rao@lambada.oit.unc.edu (Anand Rao) To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Statisticians---A Joke! I heard the follwoing sometime ago.. thought you folks might enjoy it! A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician go out on a duck hunt. They have only one gun. The come across some geese and the mathematician quickly calculates the distance, the velocity, the angle, etc. and shoots. Well, he misses by a foot to the LEFT! They come across geese again, and this time the physicist takes the gun. After calculating all the angles, flight paths, velocities, etc. the physicist also takes into consideration the gravity, air frictions, and such things... and fires! Well, s/he misses by a foot to the RIGHT! The statistician jumps up and down, yelling, "We got'em! We got'em!" :-)) -- The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, the Campus Office for Information Technology, or the Experimental Bulletin Board Service. internet: laUNChpad.unc.edu or 152.2.22.80 ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 15:08:08 EDT From: "Maricar C. Umayam" Subject: Help, please! A rope entered a bar and asked for a beer. "I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes here." The rope left. The rope returned the next day and asked for a beer. "Listen, I told you yesterday -- we DO NOT serve ropes here." The rope leaves again. The next night, the rope returns, determined to get a beer. "I've told you for the past two days ... WE DO NOT SERVE ROPES HERE!" So, the rope goes outside, loops himself over and under and shreds his ends. He enter the bar and asks for a beer. "One last time, I told you WE DON'T SERVE ROPES here. Aren't you a rope?" "No, I'm a frayed knot." (Read it out loud, if you haven't caught the joke yet.) And, another one ... A mushroom enters a bar and asks for a beer. "We don't serve your kind here." "Why not? I'm a fungi." (Did you get it?!?) ***Don't forget ... if you have those faces, please forward it! Thanks in advance! -- *************************************************************************** * Maricar C. Umayam START UP Center/Enrollment Management * * mumayam@admin.ac.edu Augusta College * * (706)731-7979 2500 Walton Way * * A gift from the heart is best. Augusta, GA 30904-2200 * *************************************************************************** ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 12:18:19 -0700 From: "S., James" Subject: statisticians From: Ronan M Conroy To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Re: Statisticians---A Joke! Worse: An oncologist, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a biostatistician all go duck hunting. Some birds fly over. "Look like ducks" thinks the oncologist, "but I'd like to send a biopsy down to pathology just to be sure." They fly past him. "I seem to be seeing ducks," thinks the psychiatrist, "now why would that be...?" They fly over him too. "The surgeon sees something moving and opens fire - five ducks hit the earth displaying many of the symptoms of death except that their kidneys don't seem to be missing. "OK," he says to the biostatistician, "are there ducks?" "I really wouldn't like to generalise on the basis of such a small sample." the latter replies. And a quickie: Biostatistician and clinician are sitting in the canteen when a colleague comes in. "Wow!" says the clinician, "he's got a really short haircut!" "On this side, at least" agrees the statistician cautiously. That's all. In my experience, good jokes about statisticians are greatly outnumbered by interesting recipes for whalemeat. ronan ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 16:22:02 EDT From: BETH WOODELL Subject: Newfie jokes I suppose any ethnic joke could be a newfie joke, but the two I first heard were out of a joke contest sponsored about 10 years ago by none other than Penthouse magazine: Q: Did you hear about the Newfie that went ice fishing? A: He brought home 50 pounds of ice. (And his wife drowned trying to cook it.) Q: Did you hear about the same Newfie when he went bear hunting? A: He was following some tracks by the side of the road when he saw a sign that said "Bear Left."....So he went home. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 17:23:40 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: It was the dog that died AN ELEGY ON THE DEATH OF A MAD DOG by Oliver Goldsmith (from the "Vicar of Wakefield") Good people all, of every sort, Give ear unto my song; And if you find it wond'rous short, It cannot hold you long. In Islington there was a man, Of whom the world might say, That still a good race he ran, Whene'er he went to pray. A kind and gentle heart he had, To comfort friends and foes; The naked every day he clad, When he put on his clothes. And in that town a dog was found, As many dogs there be, Both mongrel, puppy, whelp, and hound, And curs of low degree. This dog and man at first were friends, But when a pique began, The dog, to gain some private ends, Went mad and bit the man. Around from all the neighboring streets The wond'ring neighbors ran, And swore the dog had lost his wits, To bite so good a man. The wound it seem'd both sore and sad To every Christian eye; And while they swore the dog was mad, They swore the man would die. But soon a wonder came to light, That shew'd the rogues they lied. The man recover'd of the bite, The dog it was that died. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 18:45:14 EDT From: Bill Subject: Sarajevo & Bush humor Odds and end of humor from reading the newspaper: People don't necessarily lose their sense of humor merely because their life and culture is being destoried. In Sarajevo there are a lot of jokes going around about their terrible shortages. Here are two examples I heard recently: Do you know what happened when Jesus recently returned to Savajevo (remember that this city is largely Moslem and the Christian are the ones who are threatening to destory them) walking down a major street carrying a huge wooden cross? Hey, where did you get the wood for that thing? (Laugh now. Nearly all trees have been cut down for fuel. Information about where to find the necessities of life are very important to these people). Another one: A man, standing in food line, broke wind (farted). The woman standing behind him asked, "Where did you find the beans?" (Smile or laugh, that's funny in Sarajevo). I'm sure some other subscribers can share additional examples of hardship humor. George Bush gave a speech and it had some humor: Former President George Bush was paid $100,000 to speak to the Amway convention in Atlanta this past weekend. There were 75,000 people attending the convention. Bush said that they were the "largest-audience since leaving public housing in January." :-) The former president told the family oriented audience that he had been learning to play Nintendo from an 8-year-old grandson and listening to the scream of a 4-month-old grandson. "Such lung power. I'm convinced he will be an American senator." :-) As you can see, circumstance determines what we laugh about. Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu) ==== To control your mail send LISTSERV@UGA the command SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR MAIL (this is the default option) if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST if you only want to receive mail once a day; SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting privileges or if you prefer to to access HUMOR by downloading archieved files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to leave the list. HUMOR is archieved in 3000 line logs; to get the log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR to LISTSERV@UGA ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 18:43:39 GMT+6 From: "Neil G. Sapper" Subject: Warning: May be consdiered blasphemous Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill becasue they ****ed me off. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 20:42:33 -0400 From: Michael Ligas Subject: A Few Mildy Offensive Quickies ************************ Have you heard why the Mississippi has been having all the flooding problems? Because Bill Clinton took all the dykes with him to Washington. ************************ Classified ad from "Thrifty Nickel", Panama City Beach, Florida: WEDDING RING SET WITH numerous diamonds, $400 or trade for handgun. 874-0935 ************************ ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 19:43:49 -0700 From: Shelli Jamison Subject: language joke Q: What do they call constipation in Germany? A: Farfrumpupen. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 22:51:53 EDT From: Dan Hotopp 5-2931 Subject: Monkey Joke (kinda gross) A college Professor had a few days off and decided to go to the zoo. He enjoyed looking at the varied wildlife as he wandered through the paths, and sat down by the monkeys to rest. He became very perplexed as he noticed that one monkey had a bowl of peanuts, and would pull out a peanut, look at it, stuff it up his anus, take it out and eat it. He watched the monkey do this until the entire bowl was empty. Being rather upset and confused by what he had witnessed, he went up to the offices, and asked to speak with the zoo- keeper. When he was led into the keeper's office, he told him that something was definitely wrong with one of his monkeys. After he related what he had seen, the keeper gravely nodded his head and said that the monkey he had seen was the smartest animal in the zoo. Totally baffled, the Professor asked him how that could be? "Well," said the zoo-keeper, "last week that monkey ate a whole peach, and it hurt him so bad when the pit came out, that now he checks everything before he eats it to make sure it will fit!" ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 23:26:58 EDT From: Debra Ortiz Subject: doctor's new machine-slightly obscene-very slightly] A man went to the doctor complaining of tennis elbow. The doctor told him that he had a new diagnostic machine which could tell him (the doctor) anything about a person and diagnose complaints at once. "Tell me, Doctor." said the man, "How can that machine determine tennis elbow from a urine sample?" The doctor reassured him: "This machine can tell anything." The man insisted that he could not urinate right then, so he would go home until the urge struck and bring back the sample later. He decided to play a trick on the doctor. He told his wife, and his teenaged daughter to piss in the cup. The he collected urine from his dog and a drop of oil from his car. To top it off, he masturbated and added yet another ingredient to his collection. "I'll show him", he thought. He went back to the doctor['s office and gave him the vial. Soon, the doctor came out of the office. "I have the results." "Well, doc, what's the prognosis?" To which the doctor responded: Well, your wife has a veneral disease, your daughter is pregnant, your bitch dog is in heat, the car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't quit jacking off, your tennis elbow will never heal!" ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 14:01:10 +1000 From: Julie Ledster Subject: Previous joke of Feminist/Wheelie Bin Q. What is the difference between a feminist and a wheelie bin? A. At least a wheelie bin gets taken out once a week. I had a few questions regarding this joke, like what is a wheelie bin. A wheelie bin is like a garbage bin/dumpster on wheels. I'm not sure if it is an American term, but that is what it is known as in Australia. Keep smiling. 8-)... Julie Ledster. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 10:08:46 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: Re: Sarajevo & Bush humor Hardships in Sarajevo remind me another one from Moscow. A man walks into a food store and asks what kind of meet they have today. "The dog, grade B," the salesman says, "would you like some?" "Well, if it's indeed the only sort you have, I might take a couple of pounds." And after a while: "Hey, what are those pieces of wood supposed to be?" The salesman: "Give me a break, man. Don't you know the B-grade meat comes with the dog-hole?" Note: Low-quality meat usualy is roughly chopped and contains big pieces of bone. As the joke goes, with present hardships in Russia, they not just sell dogs for food but dont even bother to take those dogs out of their holes before chopping. --Saul ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 10:33:25 +0100 From: Keunen Vincent Subject: you need both english and french for this one (enfants non admis) Les donnees, c'est sale. Parce que les database. Translation: Les donnees, c'est sale. => The data are dirty. Parce que les database. => Because the data f**k. We, in french, often use english words (as database). But there are some clashes. "Baise" in french means "f**k" and is pronounced the same way as the "base" from "database". Similarly, "Phoque" in french is "Seal", but is pronounced like "f**k". So if you wanna "f**k", well, go ahead and get that seal ?!? 8-| Hope I'm not offending anyone with this. (otherwize, seal off...) ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 11:11:09 +0100 From: Keunen Vincent Subject: X rated - attractive female This one is translated from french. I hope the effect is the same in english. Q: What do women put to their ears to look more attractive? A: Their knees. Vincent ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 10:37:11 +0100 From: Pete Hendry Subject: a Scottish poem I can't believe someone posted the 'frayed knot' joke :-) A Story About Haggis! --------------------- Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. He didn't stop to say his grace. He just sat down and ate his face. "We can't have this," his dad declared. "If that lad's ate, he should be shared!" But even as he spoke, they saw Horace eating more and more. First his legs and then his thighs; His hair, his arms, his nose, his eyes. "Stop him, someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" But all too late, for they were gone, And he had started on his dong. "Oh foolish child, " his father mourned, "We could have deep-fried that with prawns, "Some parsley, and some tartar sauce." But H. was on his second course. His liver and his lights and lung, His ear, his neck, his chin, his tongue. "To think we raised him from the cot, "And now he's going to scoff the lot!" His mother cried, "What shall we do? "What's left won't even make a stew!" And as she wept, her son was seen To eat his head, his heart, his spleen. And there he lay, a boy no more, Just a stomach on the floor. Nonetheless, since it was his, They ate it. That's what haggis is. Anon. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 10:07:31 -0400 From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET Subject: Mildly Offensive Q. What do you call a guy who mixes mortar with a pitchfork? A. A mortar forker ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 11:15:52 -0500 From: Cheryl Causey Subject: Silly Here's one I heard on WBAL radio in Baltimore yesterday. Dr. Jim Dasinger told it during a discussion about foods that can alter your moods. ***** A farmer's bull seemed to lacked his usual sexual drive and wasn't going near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who examined the bull and prescribed something to stimulate the bull's interest. A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into a friend who asked, "How's that bull? Did the vet help?" The farmer: "Thankfully, the bull is back to his former frisky self." Neighbor: "What miracle drug did the vet prescribe?" The farmer: "I don't know, but it tastes like licorice." ***** *I* smiled when I heard it. Cheryl ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 12:17:53 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Do you know where God lives? This joke was told at an Italian wedding by the priest who had earlier conducted the ceremony. It went something like this: Sister Mary was one day teaching her class of grade three children and she decided to test them out to see how much they learn't. She says to the children; "Who knows where god lives ?" One little boy puts up his hand and says "I know where god lives, he lives up there in the sky and the clouds" "That's very good, "says sister mary, "Does anyone else have another answer?" A little girl puts up her hand and says "I know where god lives, he lives in the ground and the hills and the grass everywhere." "That's very good,"says sister mary,"anyone else?" Then another boy says "I know where God lives for sure, he lives in my home in the toilet." Sister Mary gets a little concerned and asks "How do you know that young lad?" "Well,"says the boy, "every day, early in the morning I see my father banging on the door of our toilet saying 'God are you still in there?'" ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 17:26:02 BST From: Derryck Lamptey Subject: Re: language joke The brit slang for "beating the meat", "jack off" is "WANK". So to describe someone as "a wanker" will not get you an invitation home for supper! Anyway, in Germany, according to my lover, there is a town pronounced "VANK", and spelt (guess it!) WANK. I would not send a postcard back to UK from Deutchland, saying: .... I went to Wank, and I had a great time. It was so hot & sticky....." O.K. you get the idea, You can add more stuff as long as you post it to the list! :) What about, "... and before I knew it, I was at Climax." Derryck ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 12:23:29 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: A Freudian slip From: ajb@s-crim1.dl.ac.uk (Alan Bleasby) Newsgroups: eunet.jokes Subject: Freudian slip Date: 25 Jul 1993 15:04:23 GMT Organization: SERC Daresbury Lab, Warrington, U.K. Two women meet in a supermarket. "Oh, hello Mrs Jones. How are things?" "Well, not too good actually. I made a bit of a Freudian slip this morning." "What happened?" "Well, I was sitting at the breakfast table with my husband and what I meant to say was `Please pass the marmalade dear', what I actually said was `You've totally screwed up my life you bastard' ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 13:14:36 EDT From: Dave Seitz Subject: Phrase Game * * * * * * * * P H R A S E G A M E * * * * * * * * This test does not measure your intelligence, your knowledge or your mathematical ability. It will, however, give you some guage of your mental felxibility and creativity. In the three years since the test was developed, few people have been found who could could solve more than half the 24 questions on the first try. Many reported getting answers long after the test had been set aside, and solved all the questions over a period of several days. Take this as your personal challenge. INSTRUCTIONS: Each question contains the initials of words that will make it correct. Find the missing words. 52 W. in a Y. means 52 Weeks in a Year A) 26 L. of the A. B) 7 W. of the A. W. C) 1001 A. N. D) 12 S. of the Z. E) 54 C. in the D. (with the J.) F) 9 P. in the S.S. G) 88 P. K. H) 13 S. on the A. F. I) 32 D. F. at which W. F. J) 18 H. on a G. C. K) 90 D. in a R. A. L) 200 D. for P. G. in M. M) 8 S. on a S. S. N) 3 B. M. (S. H. T. R.!) O) 4 Q in a G. P) 24 H. in a D. Q) 1 W. on a U. R) 5 D. in a Z. C. (recently changed!) S) 57 H. V. T) 11 P. on a F. T. U) 1000 W. that a P. is W. V) 29 D. in F. in a L. Y. W) 64 S. on a C. X) 40 D. and N. in the G. F. Answers: A) 26 L. of the A. ** Letters of the Alphabet B) 7 W. of the A. W. ** Wonders of the Ancient World C) 1001 A. N. ** Arabian Nights D) 12 S. of the Z. ** Signs of the Zodiac E) 54 C. in the D. (with the J.) ** Cards in the Desk with Jacks F) 9 P. in the S.S. ** Planets in the Solar System G) 88 P. K. ** Piano Keys H) 13 S. on the A. F. ** Stripes on the American Flag I) 32 D. F. at which W. F. ** Degrees Far. at which Water Freezes J) 18 H. on a G. C. ** Holes on a Golf Course K) 90 D. in a R. A. ** Degrees in a Right Angle L) 200 D. for P. G. in M. ** $ for Passing GO in Monopoly M) 8 S. on a S. S. ** Sides on a Stop Sign N) 3 B. M. (S. H. T. R.!) ** 3 Blind Mice (See How They Run!) O) 4 Q in a G. ** Quarts in a Gallon P) 24 H. in a D. ** Hours in a Day Q) 1 W. on a U. ** Wheel on a Unicycle R) 5 D. in a Z. C. (recently changed!) ** Digits in a Zip Code S) 57 H. V. ** Heinz Varities T) 11 P. on a F. T. ** Players on a Football Team U) 1000 W. that a P. is W. ** Words that a Picture is Worth V) 29 D. in F. in a L. Y. ** Days in Feb. in a Leap Year W) 64 S. on a C. ** Squares on a Checker board X) 40 D. and N. in the G. F. ** Days and Nights in the Great Floo ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 13:20:48 -0400 From: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU Subject: Alternate names for God (Non-Offensive) Here's another God Story: Sister Mary was teaching her Third Grade Religion Class one day and she asked the children if they could tell her some of the names for God. She got some of the usual answers: Heavenly Father The Holy Spirit Jesus The Good Shepherd Yahweh Lord Little Johnny raised his hand and said "HAROLD". Sister Mary was confused, she had never heard of God referred to as Harold before. Johnny replied: "We say it every day ... Our Father, Who art in Heaven, HAROLD be thy name ...". ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 10:35:09 -0700 From: Joe Risser Subject: The law as it should be (crude) One evening after the theater, two fellows were walking down the avenue. They observed a well dressed, attractive, young lady just ahead of them. One turned to other and remarked: "I'd give $50 to spend the night with her." To their surprise, the woman overheard the remark and turning around said, "I'll take up on that." The man accompanied the woman to her apt where they went to bed. The next morning the man presented her with $25. She asked for the rest saying "If you don't give the other $25, I'll sue." He laughed, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds." The next day, he was surprised when served a summons offering his presence in court. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details to him. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgement against you but it will be interesting to see how the case is presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer adresses the court, "Your honormy client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent for a specific time to the defendant for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuateion, paid only $25. The rent was not excessive as it is restricted property and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and somewhat amused. His defense was altered from what he had planned, "Your honor, my client agreed that the young lady has a fine deed of property, that he did rent such property for the time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and injected a pump, all being performed by him. We claim these imp improvements to the property are sufficient to effect the unpaid balance and the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rent of said property. We, therefore, ask judgement to be directed for the defendant." The young lady's lawyer came back with, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property and made improvements described. However, if the defendant had not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not only dragged the eq equipment through the shrubbery but left the hole larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We, therefore, ask judgement be granted." ...and damned if she didn't get it.] ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 11:02:31 -0700 From: Ken Smith Subject: Offensive language There were these two farmers, one was very wealthy and the other was poor. Well it just happen to be that there wifes had birthdays on the same day. The poor farmer said to the wealthy farmer, "What do you plan on getting your wife for her birthday tomorrow?" Well he says, "I'm going to get her a Mercedes and a Mink coat". Why are you getting her a Mercedes AND a Mink coat?, says the poor farmer. That way, if she doesn't like the mink coat, she can drive herself to the store to return it! RF: By the way, what do you plan on getting your wife tomorrow? PF: A pair of slippers and a dildo. RF: Why the dildo? PF: That way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself. **************************** cute joke **************************** This young girl about 5-7 years old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday after school. Well, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that she couldn't walk the dog for a week or so because it wasn't feeling well. His daughter became very upset and cried for most of the night. The next day the father came up with a plan. He put some gasoline on the dogs rear end to hide the cover the smell from the male dogs. Well when the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her dog again. About an hour later the girl returned without the dog. The father asked what on earth has happened to the dog? The girl replies: Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back and is being pushed home by another dog. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 16:59:00 CDT From: THE UNICORN Subject: indian joke & nun jokes (hope these aren't too offending!) Q. What's black & white & red all over? A. A nun falling down the stairs ----- Q. What do you call a nun breakdancing? A. Twisted sister ----- One day, this man was driving his car around town trying to go somewhere. Well, he stopped at a traffic light and made an illegal u-turn. An officer pulled him over and asked him to roll down his window. The officer than asked him, "Sir, didn't you see the arrows?" The man replied, "No officer, I didn't even see the Indians!" (I heard this was based on a true story!) ============ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 19:58:21 -0400 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Vegetable jokes waiter came to take the orders: "I'll have a steak and a baked potato," said Hilary. "And what about your vegetable, ma'am?" "Oh, he'll have the same." There were these two carrots visiting Paris. Wow, were they excited about the sights. They were really impressed by the Champs Elysees! They decide to cross the road, but one of the carrots is run over by a Deux Chevaux. Here comes the ambulance. They put the carrot on a stretcher and rush him off to the hospital. The other carrot spends a horrible night in the waiting room, praying that her boyfriend carrot will be alright. Finally the doctor comes: "I have some good news and some bad news. He's going to live, but he'll always be a vegetable." ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 08:49:28 METDST From: Jan Kucera Subject: Military education An officer reads lectures to a group of soldiers. When he says: "Water boils at 90 degrees" one of the soldiers dares to oppose: "Sir, water boils at 100 degrees centigrade". - "Are you sure?" - "I am sure, lieutenant." - "I'll check it until the next lesson." The next lesson the officer says: "Soldiers, make a correction in your notes from the previous lesson: Water boils at 100 degrees. 90 degrees is right angle." ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 02:32:10 -0700 From: Linda White Subject: Light bulb joke This one's a bit different How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb. Question for the linguists: any non-English translation of the above that would keep the flavor/meaning of the piece? - Linda ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 08:47:29 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: DH Lawrence poem about intimacy INTIMATES by D. H. Lawrence Don't you care for my love? she said bitterly. I handed her the mirror, and said: Please address these questions to the proper person! Please make all requests to head-quarters! In all matters of emotional importance please approach the supreme authority direct!-- So I handed her the mirror. And she would have broken it over my head, but she caught sight of her own reflection and that held her spellbound for two seconds while I fled. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 09:12:21 EDT From: Bill Subject: A funny based on Fr. word "baiser" From: schaefer@imag.imag.fr (Arno Schaefer) Organization: Institut Imag, Grenoble, France Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1993 11:53:45 GMT |> In Germany, those fluffy sweets objects made out of beaten egg white and |> sugar, are called "Baiser" (pronounced in a French way, so most Germans |> think it's correct French). In French, the same food objects are called |> "Meringues", and "Baiser" means to f*ck. So if a German asks for |> Baiser in a French bakery... I'm sure it happens every now and then. Not quite. 'baiser' as a noun simply means 'kiss'. Only as a verb it has a vulgar meaning. Nevertheless 'donnez moi un baiser' will probably get you into an embarrassing situation ;-) I really wonder why in Germany a french word is used for this, but a different one than in France... I guess it is the result of a misunderstanding a long time ago :-) ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 15:42:40 +0200 From: Joerg Findeisen CEDAR Subject: Re, Re Language Jokes Here in Vienna we have a well known bakery called "Anker" (the german word for anchor btw). Vienna is spelled Wien here. You can get licence plates with a text of your choice for you car. So much for your information. Now comes the funny part: The first letter of the city's name is always the first on the plate. So the company "Anker" has trucks all over Vienna with licence plates like: WAnker 1 WAnker 2 WAnker 3 . . WAnker 8 and so on ... ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 15:43:43 +0200 From: Oesterlich Tapfer Subject: Camel joke A tourist rents a camel to an old Bedouin, who tells him : - It's a very capricious animal, sometimes it stops and won't continue. - What do I do then ? - You take these two bricks I give you, and when it stops, you get down, walk behind it, and (*smash*) crush its balls between the bricks ! - God, it must hurt terribly ! - No, look : if you hold them this way, with your thumbs on the upper side, it doesn't hurt at all. Oesterlich ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 10:38:43 -0400 From: "Brian K. Auger" Subject: Light bulb joke (sexual content) How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? It doesn't matter--they screw in Jacuzzis. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 10:59:30 -0400 From: Michael Ligas Subject: Bloopers >This apparently happened during a Cubs telecast last week: > >At a lull in the action the camera was panning the crowd and our local >announcer was commenting on action in the stands. Came into view a young >couple who were being affectionate after each pitch. Unfortunately, the >announcer's description came out as: > >"Look at those two - he kisses her on the strikes, and she kisses him on the >balls." > >--- > >Jeff Kallenbach jeffk@cdibm.fnal.gov >Fermi National Accelerator Lab PHONE: (708)840-2210 >Physics Analysis Tools FAX: (708)840-2783 >Graphics & Human Interfaces >A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is >asking him questions. > >"You witnessed the robbery, sir?" >"Yes" >"What was stolen?" >"Two televisions" >"Did you see the thiefs?" >"Yes" >"Could you identify them?" >"Yes" >"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?" > >At this point, the two defendants raised their hands. What's a defense >attorney to do? :) > > Derry Lyons, N7YPG Voice (206) 526-4275 > NOAA/AFSC F/AKC1 Fax (206) 526-6723 ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 11:04:27 -0400 From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET Subject: From the Daily Collegian ROSSVILLE, GA--Two horse riders were charged with driving under the influence after they collided with a car on a road at night, authorities said. Under Georgia law, anyone in control of a "moving vehicle" can be charged with DUI, said Trooper Kerry Dyer of the Georgia State Patrol. Dyer issued citations to horse riders Jerry Lee Derryberry, 49, and his son, Bobby Derryberry, 24, for DUI and riding horses in an unlawful manner. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 08:17:00 LCL From: Michael Cottam Subject: Re, Re Language Jokes Here in Oregon, near Portland, is a place called "Wanker's Corner". Honest. It's even on the map. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 15:56:35 EST From: Dani Mudge Subject: A bar joke Crocodile walks into a bar. Barman says "What the matter, why are you looking so sad?". Croc "I'm Not feeling sad at all". Barman "Then why the long face?" ============ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 19:22:20 -0400 From: Byron Lanning Subject: Writer Under Death Sentence Copyright 1993 by Byron Lanning NEW BOOK INFLAMES CHRISTIAN CONSERVATIVES Dogma/September 9 (PETER FUNK PRESS). Writer Cannonball Gainsay has received a death sentence from Christian conservatives angered over his just published book America Is Based on Judaic-Christian Values: Blah, Blah, Blah. Because of the threat, Gainsay has gone underground, and according to well-paid sources, he is camping out in a pup tent somewhere in Salman Rushdie's hiding place. Gainsay has never written a book before and does not understand the controversy. He says if he had known all the trouble a writer must endure to publish a book, he wouldn't have published it. He would have left the manuscript in his crash helmut where he keeps all things of importance to him like his head and remained a human cannonball for the Bernoulli Brothers' Circus and Giant Jackrabbit Rodeo. In his book, Gainsay does exhaustive research into the origins of America's political system. He finds that constitutional government, democracy, and individual rights have their roots in Greece not in the Bible, that the founding fathers of America used the philosophies of Aristotle, Solon, and Pericles as references to form the Constitution not Moses, the Gospels, or St. Paul. Since the Greeks did not believe in the Judaic-Christian God but in pagan gods and tolerated homosexuality, Gainsay concludes America is not a Judaic-Christian country but a pagan-homosexual country. No book has angered Christian conservatives more than Gainsay's book. Not even the book I'm OK You're OK has created this much turmoil among them. In response to the book, hundreds of Christian conservatives have formed an organization called Call Us Secular Humanists and You're Dead (CUSHYAD) to stop publication of the book. In general, members of Rev. Pat Robertson's 700 Club, supporters of Pat Buchanan's 1992 Presidential bid, and rehabilitated drag queens, who stopped wearing short skirts, low cut tops, and going braless when they became "born again," make up CUSHYAD. The organization group does not want to stop just at preventing the publication of Gainsay's book. It has also put a death sentence on Gainsay, and at this moment its members are searching the countryside with astrologers and opera glasses for Salman Rushdie's hiding place. However, Pat Robertson and Pat Buchanan have distanced themselves from CUSHYAD's death sentence on Gainsay. For instance, Pat Buchanan says he does not condone the murder of Gainsay but favors his death. In a broadcast of The 700 Club, Robertson said he favors Gainsay's murder only in a metaphorical sense, only in a loving Christian way. "He should be given every opportunity to have a personal interview with God as soon as possible," Robertson said. When he made the statement, his eyes rolled back, his head rotated 360 degrees, and some green slime slithered out of his mouth. His studio audience stood, clapped, and cried, "Hallelujah! It's a miracle." ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 10:18:51 +0000 From: KondrotasS Subject: CD-ROM (might be insulting) The National Information Services (located in Baltimore, MD) sells a CD-ROM reference called "Women, Water and Sanitation". No kidding. -- Saul ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 09:50:16 +0100 From: Alun Richards Subject: I understand that it would be considered 'bad taste' to introduce myself as Randy. eg "Hi, I'm randy" Not bad taste, but rather on the forward side. The equivalent perhaps of "Hi, I'm horny". Guaranteed to go down well in parties. By the way, I always felt that Randy Vanwarmer was a great name. It has descriptive possibilities as well as being a name. PS when I was in college there was a guy with a name of Nick Childharmer. Guess he wouldn't get a Social Services job. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 07:11:39 EDT From: Cathy Krusberg Subject: Another personal name I once took a class (in college) with a woman who had worked as a substitute teacher and encountered a grade-school student named "Randy Bachelor." She thought he was pulling her leg. The other students found her incredulity a lot funnier than they found Randy's name. Makes you wonder about the parents, doesn't it? Cathy Krusberg ckberg@uga ckberg@uga.cc.uga.edu ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 07:55:56 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Blowing on his hands BLOWING ON HIS HANDS Nasrudin is visited by a would-be disciple. The man, after many vicissitudes, arrives at the hut on the mountain side where the Mulla is sitting. Knowing that every single action of the illuminated Sufi is meaningful, the newcomer asks Nasrudin why he is blowing on his hands. "To warm myself in the cold, of course." Shortly afterward, Nasrudin pours out two bowls of soup, and blows on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" asks the disciple. "To cool it, course," says the teacher. At this point the disciple leaves Nasrudin, unable to trust any longer a man who uses the same process to arrive a different results--heat and cold. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 08:56:33 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: For women only I saw this sign in an office yesterday: "A woman has to work twice hard to been seen as a equal to a man who does half as much work." ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 08:58:59 EST From: ROBERT RYAN Subject: A Blonde's Dictionary, non sexual Subj: A Blonde's Glossary ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Artery --------------- The study of paintings Bacteria ------------- The back door of a cafeteria Barium --------------- What you do to a patient when treatment is bad Bowel ---------------- A, E, I, O, U A nd sometimes Y C-Section ------------ A part of the city of Rome Cat Scan ------------- Searching for kitty Cauterize ------------ Made eye contact with her Coma ----------------- A punctuation mark Congenital ----------- Very friendly D & C ---------------- Where the white house is Dilate --------------- To live long Enema ---------------- Not a friend Fester --------------- Quicker Genital -------------- Non- Jewish G. I. Series --------- The end of the armed services ball season Hangnail ------------- A coat hook High Colonic --------- Jewish Holiday Important ------------ V.I.P. Labor Pain ----------- An on the job injury Medical Staff -------- A doctor's walking stick Morbid --------------- The highest offer Nitrate -------------- No daylight discount Node ----------------- Previously learned Pap Smear ------------ A test for fatherhood Pelvis --------------- Elvis' cousin Postoperative -------- A letter carrier Recovery Room -------- An upholstery shop Rectum --------------- A two car collision Secretion ------------ Trying to hide something Seizure -------------- A former Roman Emperor Tablet --------------- A small table Terminal Illness ----- Throwing up at the air port Tibia ---------------- A country in North Africa Tumor ---------------- More than one Urine ---------------- When you're not outside Varicose ------------- You're getting warm This was stolen from Fidonet's Humor Conference The Humorous cedit goes to ...................... I hope you all like them if I get a hold of any more I'll post them too! Brenda Sager --- GEcho 1.01+ * Origin: Call Me or Else! 412-838-0109 Greensburg Pa. USA (1:2610/22) ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 09:19:25 -0400 From: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU Subject: Re: For women only I received this from a friend at work: >I have a tee-shirt that my sister sent me. On the front it says, >"For a woman to earn as much in a day as a man, she would have to >work until 10:30 at night." The back says, "and then who would fix >dinner?" ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 09:42:31 EDT From: Arthur Emerson III Subject: Blonde & Lesbian jokes (Offensive) I recently spotted this tee shirt on a blonde female while I was on vacation in Lake George, NY: "Please speak slowly to me. I'm a natural blonde." Have you heard about the lesbian construction company? All of their work is tongue-in-groove. (For those unfamiliar with construction, tongue-in-groove is a technique where boards are put together with slots on one edge, and tongues on the other. This adds strength to the finished product.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Arthur Emerson III Email: ae3@cts1.msmc.edu LAN Manager (192.245.86.4) Mount Saint Mary College MaBell: (914) 561-0800 Ext. 3109 330 Powell Ave. Fax: (914) 562-6762 Newburgh, NY 12550 SneakerNet: Aquinas Hall Room 13 Still seeking an answer to one of life's greatest mysteries: Does the water in a toilet in the southern hemisphere REALLY circulate counterclockwise when you flush it? At the equator, does it go straight down? ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 11:23:31 EDT From: "William A. Reitwiesner" Subject: Remarkable Names of Real People I went to high school with a girl named Ann Teeter. She said she was five years old before her parents realized what they had done to her. She once showed me a letter she received from a man named Art Vark, which said he was glad he found someone else with the same problem, and that Art's father had the same problem because his name was Jonah. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 11:54:14 EST From: Theresa Muir Subject: more names I have had more than one friend who claimed that he/she had a friend wityh the rather cruel surname of Zass, e.g. Judy Zass, Mary Zass, John Zass, etc. I never met one myself, though. Theresa Muir tfd@cunyvms1.gc.cuny.edu ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 11:11:51 -0500 From: irma Subject: Re: Remarkable Names of Real People On Fri, 10 Sep 1993, William A. Reitwiesner wrote: **** I worked with a man named HUGH BETCHA once and there is a law office here called, Steale, Cheate, and Crooke. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 14:05:36 -0500 From: Julie Kotok Subject: more names I guy I went to high school with father's name is Foek Hioue. That was everyone's favorite joke in high school. julie ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 13:24:14 -0500 From: irma Subject: Cartoon On Fri, 10 Sep 1993, Dave Seitz wrote: Here's a cute cartoon: o _(*) /\ o ) `\-o _\/ \/ x -\>' -\<, -\>' (*)/ <, (*)` _\ _ *&! (*)/ (*) (*)/ (*) (*)/ (*) (*) ' o ` #@!&% -----------------------------------------------^^^--------------------------- ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 10:16:02 -0700 From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 2.D - A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago ---------------------------------------------------- A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them." ---------------------------------------------------- The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... ----------------------------------------------------------------- This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said: All signs metric next 20 miles ---------------------------------------------------- The most dangerous organization in America today is: a) The KKK b) The American Nazi Party c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club ---------------------------------------------------- At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch. After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone else. This became known as the "Moron Tab and Apple Choir". ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Iranian who made an operator-assisted telephone call to his homeland? He wanted the operator to set up a Persian-to-Persian call. ---------------------------------------------------- Recently, Munich, Germany was having a severe problem with there dog population. It was skyrocketing beyond belief. In a matter of a couple of weeks, the population doubled and then even tripled. They had to put together a special emergency committee to solve the problem. But, the dogs continued to multiply. The dogs started to infest Munich's neighboring city's. One day, the committee got a call from a nearby mill. The man was frantic. "Please, you've got to send help! The hills are alive with the hounds of Munich!" ---------------------------------------------------- I was quite surprised by a recently acquired tape, "Don't Ask" by Frank Hayes. The first verse of the title song goes something like this: The orders come down and they march us away. There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, But it's better than working for Xerox. ---------------------------------------------------- "The galaxy-spanning luminous arcs reported by M. Mitchell Waldrop in Research News on 6 February have a very simple explanation. They are part of the scaffolding that was not removed when the contractor went bankrupt owing to cost overruns." "Arthur C. Clarke, Sri Lanka" ------------------------------------------------ "Great ideas are better than good ones because they both take about the same amount of time to develop and the great ideas aren't obsolete when you're done." ---------------------------------------------------- "Studies show 80 percent of all Americans know about home computers. That's higher than the percentage of Americans who know about sex." ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 16:41:24 EDT From: Bill Prokasy Subject: Story A recent posting reminds me of a related story... A young man who grew up in the eastern US was reaching the time where he felt he had to strike out on his own. This was difficult for him to do because, though he had lost his parents as a child, he was reared by the ever-supportive and kindly families of his three uncles. These uncles, devoted to the young man, had expected him to take over their jointly-held business. The business was a highly successful restaurant. The restaurant was successful because the uncles, each of whom had a good singing voice, also served as singing waiters. The young man, even though trained as a teen-ager in the restaurant business, told his uncles that he had to leave to see if he was good enough to set up his own business and succeed at it. He had decided to go to Salt Lake City and operate a tavern. His view was that if he could successfully develop a tavern in Salt Lake City he would be able to cut it anywhere. His uncles were wholly unhappy at this and told him that only a moron would leave the east to go to Salt Lake City to create and operate a tavern. Being self-confident, the young man nonetheless left New England and went to Salt Lake City. He was sufficiently amused at the lack of confidence his uncles had placed in him that when he developed his tavern he called it the "Moron Tavern." And he succeeded! Within three years he had a going concern and, in fact, was interested in getting more capital in order to expand. His uncles, by now impressed with their nephew, not only agreed to provide the capital for expansion, but decided now that they were up in years, to sell their own business and move to Salt Lake City. With the expanded "Moron Tavern" there was room for a little entertainment, and the three uncles, wanting to keep occupied, suggested to their nephew that they would be happy to put on several singing performances a week just for the fun of doing it. The young man happily accepted their offer and there began an even more successful phase of the Moron Tavern. The fame of the uncles spread rapidly and it became apparent that they were going to be a fixture in the Tavern and could be available for performances elsewhere. They hired their nephew as the agent and became known thereafter as "The Moron Tavern Uncles' Choir." William F. Prokasy Phone: 706-542-5806 108 Old College FAX: 706-542-0419 Athens, GA 30602 Internet: wprokasy@uga.cc.uga.edu ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 15:16:37 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Eiffel Tower (PG) Heard from Barry Farber, radio talk show host.... Every single day, without fail, this little old man would have lunch in the little cafe inside the Eiffel Tower in Paris. The manager of the cafe assumed that the man ate there every day because he loved the food or because he loved the Tower. Finally, after a few years, the manager approached the man and said, "Excuse me sir, we have appreciated your business these many years, but I have often wondered... do you eat here so often because of the food or because of the Tower?" And the man replied, "I eat here because of the Tower. This is the only place in town where I don't have to look at the damn thing!" ============ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1993 15:25:12 -0700 From: Alan Lutz Subject: Re: more names I also knew a guy whose name was Sass. I didn't even realize why Tim's last name was funny for a while till I said it together fast. There is another man I know of named Richard Head. No one calls him Dick. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Alan Lutz alutz@eis.calstate.edu Oxnard, CA ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ============ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1993 07:30:43 EDT From: Bert Headrick Subject: "Clean" but mildly offensive to men? Subject: "Clean" but mildly offensive to men? To Sara Rummelhart from one of the boys who was not offended. Charlotte Whitton, a mayor of Ottawa Canada during the 1950s-60s and a feminist before her time used the quote "A woman has to work twice as hard to be seen as equal to a man who does half as much" She, however, went on to say, "Fortunately for women, this is not hard to do!" Regards, BERT HEADRICK, ST LAWRENCE COLLEGE, BROCKVILLE CAMPUS ============ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1993 21:34:56 GMT+10 From: Ken Price Subject: Real names re odd names: (1) The Hobart, Tasmania phone books lists an A. Nus, who allegedly has a brother Peter who is not even game to have his name listed due to the crank calls. (2) the Assistant Principal at the College here is called Barb Dwyer. We are waiting until we can name a fence in her honour. (3) An Australian circus company called Sole Brothers Circus has as one of its owners a Robert Sole who does NOT like receiving letters addressed to R Sole ============ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1993 10:38:22 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Al Gore's Top 10 Al Gore's List of the Top 10 Good Things About Being Vice President ------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Police escort gets you to the movies faster. 9. You know that game tetherball? I played tetherball with the inventor of tetherball. 8. After they sign a bill, there's lots of free pens. 7. If you close your left eye, the seal on the podium reads "President of the United States." 6. I get intellectual property rights to my speeches. 5. Dan Quayle and Gerald Ford are pretty easy to beat during Vice Presidents Week on Jeopardy. 4. You don't have to be funny to get invited on the Letterman show. 3. You get to eat all the french fries the president can't get to. 2. You don't have to be a good speller to get the job. 1. Secret Service code name "Buttafuoco." ============ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1993 13:46:33 CDT From: Ed Johnson Subject: GIFT ____________________________________________ I I I I I G I F T C E R T I F I C A T E I I I I for one free visit to I I I I Dr. Jack Kevorkian I I I I I I__________________________________________I ============ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1993 13:55:55 CDT From: Ed Johnson Subject: Re: Burma Shave David Ogilvy uses the following annonymous verse (written in the Burma Shave tradition) as an example of writing in conversational English: Carnation Milk is the best in the land, Here I sit with a can in my hand. No tits to pull, no hay to pitch, Just punch a hole in the son-of-a-bitch. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1993 17:30:22 -0400 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Re: GIFT When I saw the title: Re: GIFT, my first thought was that it was a German word. Gift is "poison." That was good for a small laugh. On Sat, 11 Sep 1993, Ed Johnson wrote: > ____________________________________________ > I I > I G I F T C E R T I F I C A T E I > I for one free visit to I > I Dr. Jack Kevorkian I > I__________________________________________I ============ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1993 22:28:00 +0200 From: Robert Werman Subject: INSULTING-TO-WOMEN? "Women, Water and Sanitation?" Not bad. Here local doctors have signs reading: "Women and other diseases." ============ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1993 20:20:34 EDT From: Bill Subject: Jay Leno Mottos Humorous mottos for the Jay Leno* Fan Club (from the New Yorker, 13 September 1993, p. 83): I, for one, do not find Jay Leno paingfully embarrassing to watch! Jay Leno does not try too hard! Jay Leno: A man just about to hit his stride! Jay Leno: He's not that bad! Everybody back off and leave poor Jay Leno alone! It's not easy to do what Jay Leno does, night after night! *Note for our international members: Jay Leno is a comedian who is the host of a late night night talk and variety show on American TV. Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu) ==== To control your mail send LISTSERV@UGA the command SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR MAIL (this is the default option) if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST if you only want to receive mail once a day; SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting privileges or if you prefer to to access HUMOR by downloading archieved files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to leave the list. HUMOR is archieved in 3000 line logs; to get the log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR to LISTSERV@UGA ============ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1993 19:42:20 -0500 From: Leo Anderson Subject: Real Names Speaking of real named I have a friend by the name of Mike Hawk. Whenever I try to page him anywhere whomever answers the phone says that they've heard that one, and promptly hang up on me. For people who don't understand, Cock is slang for penis around here. -Kicker@Vax1.Bemidji.msus.edu ============ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 12 Sep 1993 12:57:06 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Why are you looking here? MORE LIGHT One night a neighbor found Nasrudin down on his knees looking for something under the street light. "What have you lost, Mulla?" "My key," said Nasrudin. After a few minutes of searching, the other man said, "Where did you drop it?" "By my house." "Then why, for heaven's sake, are you looking here?" "There is more light here." ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 12:55:49 +0100 From: Alun Richards Subject: Speaking of real named I have a friend by the name of Mike Hawk. (possibly offensive) A friend tells me of a time when he got a young secretary to page "Mike Hunt". This, naturally, resulted in the secretary asking "Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?" loud & clear over the tannoy in the office. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 09:18:00 EDT From: Arthur Emerson III Subject: American Indian Names Joke This is a real old one, but maybe someone hasn't heard it yet. There were these three American Indians sitting around this campfire one night, discussing where their parents got their names from. The first Indian said, "My parents decided to call me Jumping Deer because when they were conceiving me, a deer went jumping over them." The second Indian said, "My parents named me Running Waterfall because when I was conceived, they were next to a waterfall." The third Indian said, "This is really strange. My parents also named me after something that happened when I was conceived. They named me Broken Condom because....." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Arthur Emerson III Email: ae3@cts1.msmc.edu LAN Manager (192.245.86.4) Mount Saint Mary College MaBell: (914) 561-0800 Ext. 3109 330 Powell Ave. Fax: (914) 562-6762 Newburgh, NY 12550 SneakerNet: Aquinas Hall Room 13 ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 08:59:58 -0500 From: irma Subject: Re: Speaking of real named I have a friend by the name of Mike Hawk. (possibly offensive) > A friend tells me of a time when he got a young secretary to > page "Mike Hunt". This, naturally, resulted in the secretary > asking "Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?" loud & clear over the tannoy > in the office. ******************* And then there was the girl named Helen Hunt who worked at the lost and found at a movie theatre. When a pair of keys were found the following page was made, "If anyone has lost a set of keys, please go to Helen Hunt for them." (Bart Simpson has some pretty good ones too!) :) irma ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 10:17:12 EDT From: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center Subject: Farm Joke, Clean Text but....... One day a farmer had decided the time had come to sell his land. He and his wife were getting on in years, all the children were grown and they thought they'd buy a condo in Florida. Shortly after the farmer put a "FOR SALE" sign in front of the house a man stopped by to look at the place. He explained he was from the city, needed to get out of the rat race and wanted a modest spread he could work himself. After looking the place over he decided it was perfect. Just the right size and not too far from his family. He told the farmer "You know, this is perfect. But there's only one problem. When I was walking around I noticed there are an awful lot of bees here. And I'm deathly allergic to bee stings. I'd really like to buy the place but I'm terribly frightened of the things." The farmer replied, "There's always been bees around but in the thirty years I've worked this farm I've never been stung once. I tell you what I'll do. The weather's very pleasant today. Why don't you take off your clothes and I'll tie you to that tree for a few hours. If the bees have a tendency to sting you won't be able to get away and you'll know what you're up against. And if a single bee stings you, I'll GIVE you the farm. However, if you don't get stung, you agree to pay my asking price." The city man agreed, took off his clothes and the farmer tied him to the tree and went off to work in his fields for awhile. A few hours later when he returned to check on the man he found him exhausted, dishevelled and as worn out as wet rag. The only thing holding him up were the straps securing him to the tree. The farmer exclaimed "What on earth happened? Did a bee sting you?" And the man wearily replied, "No.....but doesn't that calf have a mother?" Kathleen Olivier ADKO@NMUMUS ******************************************************** * When all is okay, and going your way, * * It's easy to smile, not frown. * * But the person worthwhile, is the one who can smile, * * When their sandwich falls jelly-side down. * ******************************************************** ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 08:51:00 LCL From: Michael Cottam Subject: Speaking of real named I have a friend by the name of M A friend tells me of a time when he got a young secretary to page "Mike Hunt". This, naturally, resulted in the secretary asking "Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?" loud & clear over the tannoy in the office. Other good ones: Ben Dover Phil McCracken ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 12:46:29 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Prudence Here are some thoughts of "archy", the famous cockroach, who lives with his prudence by archy (Don Marquis) i do not think a prudent one will ever aim too high a cockroach seldom whips a dog and seldom should he try and should a locust take a vow to eat a pyramid he likely would wear out his teeth before he ever did i do not think the prudent one hastes to initiate a sequence of events which he lacks power to terminate for should i kick the woolworth tower so hard i laid it low it probably might injure me if it fell on my toe i do not think the prudent one will be inclined to boast lest circumstances unforeseen should get him goat and ghost for should i tell my friends i d drink the hudson river dry a tidal wave might come and turn my statements to a lie ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 12:52:52 E From: Charlie Hill Subject: Thoughts of others ___ May you never feel alone knowing my thoughts ___ <*,*> are with you. <*,*> (} {) (} {) ---"-"--- ---"-"--- Don't walk in front of me... I may not follow Don't walk behind me... I may not lead Just walk BESIDE me & be my friend THE BUMBLEBEE CAN NOT FLY-According to recognized aerodynamic tests, the bumblebee can not fly because of the shape & weight of his body in relation to the total wing area. BUT the Bumblebee doesn't know this so HE GOES AHEAD AND FLIES anyway! Everyone's life is a fairy tale, written by God's fingers. Hans Christian Anderson Better to be the quiet smile on a man's lips than the boast on his tongue. Forgiveness = ultimate revenge Indifferance = ultimate insult There are no guarentees in this life-take your blessings as they come, & cherish them for however long you have them. What isn't tried -- Won't Work. Claude McDonald You can neither win or lose if you don't run the race. BOWIE ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 12:57:26 -0400 From: "SARAH M. LIBERMAN" Subject: Silly Name Hi! How about this name: Hugh Jass (Hey, has anyone seen a Hugh Jass around here? That's right - I'm looking for a Hugh Jass!) *smile* Oh, another one: Seymour Butts (Hey, I wanna Seymour Butts!) Sarah L. *smile* ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 12:28:03 CST From: Bill Rauscher Subject: Another Clinton Joke Bill was walking along the beach when he noticed a bottle sticking up through the sand. He reached down to pick it up, brushed it off and stuck it under his arm as there was no trash can close to deposit it. A few seconds later, smoke started coming out of the bottle. Startled, he dropped the bottle. Much to his surprise a genie appeared. The genie said, "I really appreciate you letting me out of that bottle. I've been in there for years. For doing this, I will grant you a wish. What do you want more than anything else?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I want to be known now and until the end of time as being the person responsible for causing peace to happen in the Middle East." The genie said, "OH MY!, that's a huge request. I'm only a junior genie and there is only one genie in the whole universe who can accomplish that!" "What is your second wish?" Bill thought for a moment and said, "I want my wife and daughter to be known throughout the world as being the most desirable and beautiful women in the world." The genie smiled and nodded and then thought a moment. With a puzzled look on his face he said, "What was your first wish?" ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 14:16:45 -0400 From: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU Subject: THE Rules < May offend Men > THE RULES. 1. The female always makes The Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification. 3. No male can possibly know all The Rules. 4. If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules. 5. The female is never wrong. 6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female may change her mind at any time. 9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time. 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The male is expected to mind read at all times. 14. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm. 16. If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void. 17. The female is ready when she is ready. 18. The male must be ready at all times. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 15:44:22 GMT-6 From: "Neil G. Sapper" Subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh A recent post to HUMOR about Rush Limbaugh and open minds reminded me: What's the difference Rush Limbaugh and a Blue Whale? --50 pounds and a sport coat ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 16:18:03 -0600 From: NAME Subject: more names In grade school, there was a boy with the first name Vartkis. And in junior high, a boy named Ernest Bright said he was already looking for someone named Early with an eye to forming a partnership in whatever business appealed to both of them. ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 17:26:27 PDT From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 2.E A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago ---------------------------------------------------- "If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws." There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about. --- John von Neumann New Freeway Signs: 12 gauge and over use TRUCK ROUTE RELOADERS use right lane If you have tried to pick up or drop off passengers at Los Angeles International Airport, this should be familiar to you. The white zone is for loading and unloading of guns only ... no shooting. Don't go away mad... Just go away! I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. I said "Hi Jack." He shot me. If you can't convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman "Friends come & go, but enemies accumulate." ---------------------------------------------------- Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars." The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's atleast watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement. The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars. So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could. Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port. "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?" "Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." ---------------------------------------------------- Out in the old rest, in a dingy, two bit town, there was a bar, built of a few pieces of wood, and a couple sheets. A dog came in one hot dusty afternoon and asked for a beer. After the bartender got over his surprise, he yelled "Get out of here, we don't serve your kind." "Not till I get some rye." "Get out of here now!" "No way, I want my drink." The bartender pulled out a rifle and shot the dog in the leg. The dog limbed out, bleeding all over the place. A couple days later the door swings open, there's the dog, dress in a black vest, a big ten gallon hat, and two pearl handled pistels. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." ============ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1993 20:39:00 PST From: "KEN DUNMIRE " Subject: Names The greatest fear on the deck of an aircraft carrier with combat or air manuevers is FIRE. When ther was a fire...the bosn mate would announce over the ships public address system ...FIRE...location. They found out once many years ago...the bosn mate could attract much attention by paging their leader....FRYER...REPORT TO THE BRIDGE. After a couple dozen of these they "got the word" ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1993 13:54:00 GMT From: Stuart Podell <0003647572@MCIMAIL.COM> Subject: Humorous Greeting Card At the risk of starting a "Humorous Greeting Card" war, here's something I saw the other day on a birthday card: "If Mike Brady was such a great architect then how come he designed a house that only had one bathroom for six kids?!" (Note: This joke is in reference to the popular TV sitcom "The Brady Bunch") ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1993 11:24:54 E From: Charlie Hill Subject: Poem (Rated G) I am submitting this to list for an anonymous friend. She would appreciate you comments about what she has written. All comments will be forwarded to her. I think I'm going to run away & live in a tent, Become a hermit & never pay rent. No Electricity-No Bills-No Responsibilities-No Street Address I'll hade where no one can find me--disappear from the clinch. Pitch a tent on top of a mountain or maybe on the bottom of the sea Just somewhere where no can find me!! I'll change my name & never speak, Staying hidden in shadow's for weeks upon weeks. I think I will walk there leaving no trail Disappearing into nothingness without a trace- Maybe hide in a cave-reveling in the darkness alone but unafraid. by LYNX ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1993 16:19:15 BST From: Mike Ellwood Subject: Helpful advice for tourists in England *language* *innuendo* Helpful advice for tourists in England Hello, and welcome to England, You'll find England a warm sunny country, with welcoming people, and good food which is much cheaper than you might expect. London in particular is not highly-priced like most capital cities. - Street Traders - use them wherever you have the opportunity; they are honest and helpful, especially if you are not used to the currency. The majority will accept most foreign currencies anyway; alternatively, don't be afraid to offer them credit cards. They will expect you to haggle over prices though, and exchange jokes, such as: "I think you gave me the wrong change you cockney bastard". -Coming by car? Look out for the special double-yellow tourist-only parking lines in the streets. You may park here for as long as you like for free. Foreign tourists are exempt from parking-meter and car-park charges. -Also look out for the special toilets on the corners of many streets; don't be inhibited by the glass doors; use them freely. They are automa- tically flushed, cleaned and disinfected after you leave. -Taxis - This is the cheapest form of transport in London. Use them on the journey to and from Heathrow. Under no circumstances give a tip: the driver will feel insulted. London taxi drivers, unlike those in say, New York, are renowned for their liberal open-minded attitudes. Even if you don't, pretend to have left-wing, liberal opinions; you will win their sympathy and friendship. - Ask them to take youto the grave of Karl Marx in Highgate Cemetary. - Tell them you have come over for a conference about single lesbian parents on welfare; imply that you yourself are gay; if you are black, you get extra points. - Tell them how you used to demonstrate against the Vietnam War, capital punishment, and more recently, the Gulf War. - Light up a joint in the cab and offer them a puff. -If travelling in a large party, get all your friends to pile their luggage into the one taxi;get your driver to take all the luggage up to your hotel-again, a tip must NOT be offered, but a homely piece of proverbial advice from your native land is always welcomed. Suggest to him that the Royal Family should be abolished. The Police Like taxi-drivers, these too are renowned for their helpfulness, open-mindedness, and liberal views. Feel free to ask them directions or the time of day; they enjoy such traditional japes as: "Does your head go all the way to the top of your helmet?" or "Is that a truncheon you've got in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?". Don't call them "Bobby" though; try "sweetie", "ducky", or "woodentop" instead; You will be surprised at their warm reaction. Don't forget that you can always make free phone calls back home via their personal radio; just ask. Look out for the next edition of Tourist Tips for England, in which we'll feature "The Albert Hall - best least-known tourist hotel in towm", "Take Tea with the PM at Number Ten", and "What is the REAL significance of Beefeaters at the Tower of London?;discrete gay quarters you may not know about". ============ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1993 11:44:52 EST From: Jay Pittman Subject: The Pope's visit to Colorado (clean) On his recent visit to Colorado, the Pope was running late for one of his many meetings. But when His Holiness instructed his limosine driver to hurry up, the man replied that he had been given strict instructions NOT to speed. The Pope was eager not to be late, however, and again urged the man to go faster, but again the driver refused. Finally, in frustration, the Pope ordered the man into the back seat of the limo, and His Holiness took the wheel. Five minutes later the limo had been pulled over by an officer who, upon seeing the driver of the car, walked back to his car and called his commanding officer. Officer: Sarge, I've got a problem. I caught someone speeding but he is a really important guy. Should I give him a ticket anyway? Sarge: Of course you should. It doesn't matter how important he is. By the way, how important is he? Is he as important as our governor? Officer: Oh yes, sir. He is much more important than that. Sarge: Is he as important (gulp) as the President? Officer: Yes sir. He is even more important that that! Sarge: Well just who is this guy and how important is he? Officer: Well, sir, I can't really say for sure, but he is using the Pope as a chauffeur. *************************************************************************** A Boy Scout, The Pope, and Carl Sagan were aboard an airplane when, at 10,000 feet, the engine died. There were three parachutes aboard and the pilot grabbed one of them and jumped for his life. Carl Sagan immediately grabbed another pack and said to the other two, "I am Carl Sagan. I know billions and billions of facts about the universe and life on this planet. If I were to die, it would be a great loss to mankind, since I am quite possibly the world's smartest man." So saying, he jumped, leaving the Pope and the little boy. John Paul turned to the child and said, "Son, I have lived a good and full life, and I know that the afterlife is waiting for me. You have your whole life ahead of you. You take the last parachute." But the boy scout replied cheerfully, "We can both go. The world's smartest man just jumped out of the plane with my backpack." ------------------------------------------------------------ 30 ------------------------------