From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Oct 1993 There are 33 messages totalling 925 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. very crude rated r 2. Some Aussie Humor 3. Re: thoughts on lawyers 4. SOUTH-MAY-BE-OFFENSIVE 5. computer dictionary - part 4 of 9 6. Lazarus 7. Joke, rated 'G' maybe a little 'stereo-typical' and 8. Book Jokes 9. Eve's apple 10. rated pg 11. Sexist Q&A 12. "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (remainder) 13. Parachute joke 14. Limerick, clean 15. Answers to "More of the Phrase Game" 16. Dave Barry observations 17. Re: Book Jokes 18. Re: Sexist Q&A 19. How to hunt Elephants!! 20. Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes 21. Home from the Honeymoon (sexual content) 22. limerick 23. Questions? 24. Re: Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes 25. More Cow Humor 26. MORE Andrew Dice Clay Poetry 27. Limerick: just barely past G 28. Another elephant joke...kinda disgusting. 29. Re: Limerick, clean 30. Native American joke 31. wedding night nervousness 32. Life 2.K - A collection of clean humor gather on7 Dec 87 33. Political joke (clean) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 10:19:54 GMT+10 From: BARREL Subject: very crude rated r here's a little lymeric for ya trend setters there was a young man with a hat who cracked a gynormus great fat stuck it up his mates bum and decided to cum and spurt it all over his back i hope it didn't offend but my mates thought it was good barrel ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 15:24:37 GMT+10 From: Brent Pocock Subject: Some Aussie Humor Q. Why Do Aussie Arobic Instructors Where leotards when doing the splits? A. So They Dont Stick To The Floor! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 03:10:43 CDT From: "Mike Boswell Mfg 4-6881 ~BHOSVWZ#097" Subject: Re: thoughts on lawyers Reply to Mike Weinstein-thoughts on lawyers. Mike; Spoken as a True Lawyer, but please dont hit those trees as you walk thru the forest of life, you can't sue God. Mike B. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:58:00 +0200 From: Robert Werman Subject: SOUTH-MAY-BE-OFFENSIVE Two OTHER redneck offerings, attributed to the comedian Jeff Foxworthy on the radio. You are a redneck if: If a bugzapper and a sixpack is your idea of quality entertainment. If you have ever had to climb a water tower with a can of whitewash to defend your sister's honor. And, speaking of oldies but goodies, do you remember the story of Opium Jones? First day of class in a rural Southern school. Teacher is calling role: "Billy Adams." "Here." "Susie Brown." "Here." She comes to "Opium Jones" and gasps. "Boy," she says, "what you name?" "Opium Jones!" he says proudly. "Boy," she says, "you go fetch yo' mammy to come see me." The mother arrives. "This boy say his name is Opium Jones," the teacher says. "That's right," the mother says. "That's what we named him." "But don't you know opium is a dope?" the teacher says. "I sure do," the mother replies. "No no no, that's not what I meant," the teacher says. "I mean, opium is illegal." "Uh-huh," the mother says. "No no," the teacher says. "What I mean is, opium is a seed what come from a white poppy." "You hit the nail right on the head!" says the mother. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 07:10:00 EDT From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: computer dictionary - part 4 of 9 - - - - - - - - - COMPUTER DICTIONARY By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles GENERAL PURPOSE COMPUTER: A computer not terribly good at anything one thing in particular. GIGO: 'Garbage In-Garbage Out'. Normal result of most computer programming. GLITCH: A bug with ambitions. HANDSHAKING: Symtom of too much programming. Most commonly seen among programmers who have just had their program erased by power fluctuations before they saved their program to disk. HARD COPY: Cheating during a well monitored test. HEXADECIMAL: Unlucky numbers used in computers. HIGH RESOLUTION: A law passed in Denver. be seeing you, oxo ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:07:37 +0100 From: Marco Cucinato Subject: Lazarus Sorry for my lexical errors... Here's the joke: Lazarus meets a friend and they start talking. friend: Hey, Lazarus! Are you sure to be ok? You seem so tired! Lazarus: Oh, let it be! I'm alive by a miracle! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:17:19 EST From: Lynne Seamans Subject: Joke, rated 'G' maybe a little 'stereo-typical' and definitely better out loud! One day this factory foreman hired 3 guys - a Polish fellow named 'Stosh', a black guy named 'Calvin' and a Chinese man named 'Ling'. When it came to handing out work assignments, he said "Stosh, you take care of that machine over there. Make sure it has proper materials going it at all times and inspect each finished piece coming out". Handing Calvin a broom, he said "Calvin, make sure this place is clean at all times. Sweep up anything that falls on the floor." So Ling asked what HE was supposed to do and the foreman said "You're in charge of supplies" and went back to his office. A little while later, he emerged from behind his desk to see how his new charges were doing. Stosh was busily tending his machine and Calvin was sweeping up every piece of litter in sight. But he did not see Ling anywhere. He went back to the warehouse - no Ling. He checked the receiving area - no Ling! He even went into the men's room - still no Ling!! In desperation he was going back to his office to call personnel to inform them he had 'lost' a new employee when out from behind a stack of boxes jumped Ling yelling... "Suplize!" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:39:00 EDT From: "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642" Subject: Book Jokes OK, let's try some famous books NEVER written. "Over the Mountain Top" by Hugo First "The Yellow River" by I. P. Daily "50 Yards to the Outhouse" by Willy Makit, Illustrated by Betty Wont "The Numbers Game" by Cal Q. Later "The Nudist Colony" by Ceymor Hair "The Nude Beach" by Ceymor Skin "Chineese Castration" by Won Hung Lo "Peeping Tom" by I. C. Ewe I'm sure there are more. Please continue this thread. *****Warning Warning Warning***** S I C K J O K E S B E L O W Maybe you could also send those infamous Helen Keller jokes, like: Why were Helen Keller's legs yellow? Her dog was blind too. How did Helen Keller burn her right ear? She answered the iron. How did she burn here left ear? They called back. How did Helen Keller go crazy? She tried to read a stucco wall. How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? The rearranged the furniture. How did Helen Keller burn her right hand? She tried to read a waffle iron. How did Helen Keller burn her left hand? The waffle iron had another page. Well, I told you they were sick. Let's hear more. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 33 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:57:11 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Eve's apple SHARING EVE'S APPLE by John Keats O blush not so! O blush not so! Or I shall think you knowing; And if you smile the blushing while, Then maidenheads are going. There's a blush for won't, and a blush for shan't, And a blush for having done it: There's a blush for thought and blush for naught, And a blush for just begun it. O sigh not so! O sight not so! For it sounds of Eve's sweet pippin; By these loosened lips you have tasted the pips And fought in an amorous nipping. Will you play once more at nice-cut-core, For it only will last our youth out, And we have the prime of the kissing time, We have not one sweet tooth out. There's a sigh for yes, and a sigh for no, And a sigh for I can't bear it! O what can be done, shall we stay or run? O cut the sweet apple and share it! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:48:40 CDT From: Serita Blankenship Subject: rated pg Under the Bleachers by C. Moore Butts Hole in the Mattress by Mr. Completely Have you heard about the new support group for talkaholics? They call it On an On Anon. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:46:05 CST From: Weasel Subject: Sexist Q&A Q. Why do doctors turn newborns upside down and slap them on the back? A. To knock the dicks off the dumb ones. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 09:57:58 EDT From: john lawrence u388 x3027 Subject: "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (remainder) (continued) "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your considered an expert on wormbeds. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. You've ever bought a used cap. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. You pick your teeth from a catalog. You've ever financed a tatoo. You've ever stolen toilet paper. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. People hear your car a long time before they see it. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. You take a fishing pole into Sea World. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. You think the French Riviera is foreign car. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. You own a denim leisure suit. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT. Your family tree does not fork. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car. You have a rag for a gas cap. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...." You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. All of your four letter words are two syllables. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You cut your toenails in front of company. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You can spit without opening your mouth. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. You call your boss "dude". You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You have grease under your toenails. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper. Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade. The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road." Your honeymoon was in Little Rock. Your wife has more children than teeth. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:44:49 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Parachute joke It was the Big Moment. He'd done all the training, he'd taken off in the plane, he'd made it up to 10,000 feet and now he was going to do his first skydive. 10,000'... 9,000'... 8,000'... all going well! 7,000'... 6,000'... 5,000'... time to open the chute! He pulls the ripcord, the chute streams out of the pack, up into the sky and... keeps going up! "Oh, no!" he screams, then gets a grip. "I've had all the training... I know what to do" he thinks. 3,000'... 2,000'... he pulls the other ripcord and nothing happens! "I'm gonna die" he thinks, but then he sees something amazing. Rising UP from below him is a man with no aeroplane, no wings, no nothing; just this bloke falling UP towards him! Thinking that it might be a miracle, the skydiver decides that he's got nothing to lose and yells out to him "Do you know anything about parachutes?" As the bloke whizzes past he yells back "No, do _you_ know anything about gas barbecues?!?" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 19:07:38 +0200 From: "Ajay K. Vachhani" Subject: Limerick, clean There was a young fellow named Clyde Who went to a funeral and cried. When asked, who was dead, He stammered and said "I don't know. I just came for the ride !" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:08:49 -0500 From: Forrest Baulieu Subject: Answers to "More of the Phrase Game" Here are the answers to "More of the Phrease Game" I posted some time ago. The puzzles were called the "Equations Analysis Tests", were created by editor Will Shortz, and appeared in GAMES in the May 1981, May 1982, and November 1982 issues of Games Magazine. ************************************************************************ (a) 36 = I. in a Y. Inches in a Yard (b) 6 = W. of H. the E. Wives of Henry the Eighth (c) 212= D. at which W. B. Degrees at which Water Boils (d) 3 = P. for a F.G. in F. Points for a Field Goal in Football (e) 20 = Y. that R.V.W.S. Years that Rip Van Winkle Slept (f) 101= D. Dalmations (g) 60 = S. in a M. Seconds in a Minute (h) 7 = H. of R. Hills of Rome (i) 56 = S. of the D. of I. Signers of the Declaration of Independence (j) 5 = F. on the H. Fingers on the Hand (k) 40 = T. (with A.B.) Thieves with Ali Baba (l) 30 = D.H.S.A.J. and N. Days Hath September, April, June and November (m) 1 = D. at a T. Day at a Time (n) 10 = A. in the B. of R. Amendments in the Bill of Rights (o) 435= M. of the H. of R. Members of the House of Representatives (p) 16 = O. in a P. Ounces in a Pound (q) 31 = I.C.F. at B.R. Ice Cream Flavors at Baskin Robbins (r) 50 = C. in a H.D. Cents in a Half Dollar (s) 2 = T.D.(and a P. in a P.T.) Turtle Doves and a Partridge in a Pear Tree (t) 4 = H. of the A. Horsemen of the Apocolypse (u) 13 = C. in a S. Cards in a Suit (v) 8 = P. of S. in the E.L. Parts of Speech in the English Language (w) 20,000 = L.U. the S. Leagues Under the Sea (v) 9 = I. in a B.G. Innings in a Baseball Game ********************************************************************** Watch for "Phrase Game III" coming soon! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:28:37 -0600 From: NAME Subject: Dave Barry observations From Dave B's column yesterday, all about the new standard for testing soap scum cleaner. "Oh sure, you've seen TV commercials wherein the Cheerful Housewife, standing in a bathroom the size of Radio City Music Hall, waltzes up to a scum-encrusted tile, sprays it with a cleanser, and then wipes it off to reveal a sparkling shine. But these commercials are not filmed on Earth; they're filmed on the Commercial Planet, where everything is different; where fast-food-chain employees really are happy to serve you; where there is some meaningful difference between Coke and Pepsi; and where "light" beer does not taste like weasel spit." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 12:42:20 -0400 From: "Dawn M. Shotts" Subject: Re: Book Jokes Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll? You wind her up and she walks into walls. How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They stuck a plunger in the toilet bowl. Why did Helen Keller play the piano with only one hand? She had to sing with the other. Same with why does she masturbate with one hand? She has to moan with the other. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 12:46:41 -0400 From: "Dawn M. Shotts" Subject: Re: Sexist Q&A On Mon, 4 Oct 1993, Weasel wrote: > Q. Why do doctors turn newborns upside down and slap them on the back? > A. To knock the dicks off the dumb ones. I heard it differently, and most would agree: A. To knock the penis' off the smart ones. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 14:58:00 EST From: BABA Subject: How to hunt Elephants!! HOW TO HUNT ELEPHANTS --------------------- How do you hunt elephants..? ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. STATISTICIANS hunt the 1st animal they see N times & call it an elephant. CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants. COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by excercising Algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa. 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4. During each traverse pass, a. Catch each animal seen. b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected. Experienced COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. QUALITY ASSURANCE inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as DESKTOP ELEPHANTS. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 15:30:54 -0400 From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET Subject: Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes For international subscribers unfamiliar with this comedian, he is the self- proclaimed Sultan of Sleeze and Vulgarity, so squeamish folk should hit the delete key now. He is also a rather remarkable impressionist (his Stallone, DeNiro and Pacino are quite good), has an excellent singing voice and gave an interesting performance as a private detective in the movie, "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane." Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey; along came a spider, sat down beside her and said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?" Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter; Jill came down with two fifty...the fucking whore. Three Blind Mice, see how they run, where the fuck are they going? Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack burned off his fucking dick. Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop, your mother's a whore and I ain't your pop. Eenie, meenie, minie mo; suck my dick and swallow slow. Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are; shine upon the parking lot, as I eat my girlfriend's twat. Patti cake, Patti cake, Baker's man; if your chick's got her period, fuck her in the can. Georgie, Porgie, Puddin' and Pie; jerked off in his girlfriend's eye; when her eye was dry and shut; Georgie fucked that one-eyed slut. Hickory, Dickory, Dock; some chick was sucking my cock; the clock struck two, I dropped my goo; and dumped the bitch on the next block. Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean; so Jack ignored her flabby tits, and licked her asshole clean. Mary, Mary, quite contrary; trim that pussy, it's too damn hairy. Hey diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle; the cow jumped over the moon; that's more than my lazy wife does; that fat, fucking, smelly baboon. Little Bo Peep fucked her sheep, blew her horse, licked his feet; she ate his ass, all very nice; tongued his balls, not once but twice. There was an old lady who lived in a shoe; she had so many kids, her uterus fell out. Old Mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard, to get her old dog a bone; She bent over and got a bone of her own. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 15:34:48 EST From: ROBERT RYAN Subject: Home from the Honeymoon (sexual content) I was talking to my son's Latin teacher, the other night and the subject of this humor listserver came up. I agreed to ask you the humor community, if you had any Latin jokes. Preferably in the original tonque, or at least about Latin. E PLURIBUS UNUM and NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM is all I know (have very few of them in my pockets). Please submit Humor to me personally at E-mail ROBERTRYAN@delphi.com or to this LISTSERVE if you think everyone would enjoy it. Thanks 3 R Obligatory Humor: ---------------- A newly married couple did not have time to unwrap all their wedding presents before they went on there honeymoon. So, after they returned from their honeymoon, they proceeded to open the remaining presents. They came upon one gift that did not have a card to indicate who gave it to them. It was a very old but nice full length mirror. The wife decided it would be a nice addition to their bedroom. Later that evening, the wife was getting ready for bed. She was standing in front of the mirror, looking at herself critically. She said "I wished I had boobs out to here", indicating a 38C or better. Instantly, with no warning, her breast grew out to her hands. She called excitely for her new husband to come quickly. He said "what happened to you"! She told him the story of her wish. Upon hearing this, he took of all his clothes and stood in front of the mirror. He said "I wished I had a pecker that hung down to the floor. Again, instantly and without any warning, his legs were cut off at the hips! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 14:39:37 -0500 From: irma Subject: limerick There was a young lady from Lynn Who was so uncommonly thin, That when she essayed To drink lemonade She slipped through the straw and fell in. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 14:42:03 -0500 From: irma Subject: Questions? What was the color of George Washington's white horse? Who is buried in Abraham Lincoln's grave? When was the war of 1812 fought? ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 16:20:04 -0500 From: PHANTOM Subject: Re: Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack burned off his fucking dick. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, but Jill prefers the candlestick. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 14:48:38 MST From: Diane Stevens Subject: More Cow Humor What do you call a lazy cow? Un-moo-tivated ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 17:38:00 EST From: JEFF HUBBARD Subject: MORE Andrew Dice Clay Poetry Little Jack Horner sat in a corner eating his pizza pie; he shit pepperoni, blew his friend Tony, and wiped his mouth on his tie. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 18:27:26 EDT From: Se Lareow Patricius Subject: Limerick: just barely past G There once was a man from Stromboul Who soliliquied thus to his tool: "You've taken my wealth, You've ruined my health, And now you won't pee, you old fool." (_Slaughterhouse Five_, I believe...) --Riff ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 18:32:56 -0400 From: Charlotte Haas Subject: Another elephant joke...kinda disgusting. Q: What does an elephant use for a tampax? A: A sheep. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 19:01:18 EDT From: Se Lareow Patricius Subject: Re: Limerick, clean here's a couple limerics of my own, fitting in with a local slang style: There once was a young man named Tat Reknowned for the way that he sat when asked "Are y'great?" he replied "Why debate? I am wearing an excellent hat." I used to take boxes of mice and stack them in piles on ice when asked "Are y'great?" I replied "Why debate? I employ a most wondrous device." --Riff ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 20:51:48 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Native American joke Two men went fishing on a lake one day. Also fishing was an female native American. The men were on one side of the lake, the native American on the other. The men didn't catch any fish at all, but the native American was having no problems cathing them by the bucketful. That night, the men decided to go fishing again the next day, but they thought that they would take the good side of the lake. The men got there first, and went to the side of the lake where all the fish had been the day before. The native American went to the other side of the lake. Again, the native American caught all kinds of fish, but the men never even got a bite. Later, the men went and asked the native American her secret. The native American replied "When me wake up in morning, me look at husband's thing. If it hang on left, me fish on left side of lake. If it hang on right, me fish on right side of lake." One of the fishermen asked "What happens if your husband's dick is in the middle?" The native American answered "Me NO fish." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 21:08:25 EDT From: Anissa Holman Subject: wedding night nervousness Sorry if this has been posted before. Here goes. A young girl is getting married and she's scared of what will happen on her wedding night so she asks her mother to get the hotel room next to her and her husband. The big night arrives. The girl goes to the bathroom to get ready for bed. When she comes out, her husband is taking of his shirt. She runs next door to her mother. "Momma, Momma, he's taking off his shirt!" "That's perfectly normal, dear," the mother says. "Calm down." And the girl went back. This time the husband was taking off his shoes. The girl ran back to her mother again, and again her mother told the girl it was alright. So the girl went back to her own room. What the husband hadn't told his wife was that he had been in a lawnmower accident when he was younger and lost part of his foot. When the girl comes back to the room she sees his foot and runs back to her mother. When she gets there she says, "Momma, Momma, he's got a foot and a half!" The mother says, "Stay here, honey, I'll take care of this." Anissa ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 17:24:59 PDT From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 2.K - A collection of clean humor gather on7 Dec 87 The following material comes from Stephen F. Cohen, Professor of Politics at Princeton University. He teaches the very popular "Soviet Politics" course here. Each year, he has a "joke" lecture in which he tells about anecdotes and jokes that come from the Soviet Union. As he put it, there's one on about every subject of Soviet life. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Steve Cohen - Soviet Anecdotes - As told on December 1, 1987 ---------------------------------------------------------------- When all is said and done, though, the real articulation of popular opinion is the form that the Russians call the anecdote. Once there was a law against anti-Soviet anecdotes. That was no joke. Though quickly there was a joke about it: F.D.R. and Stalin met, and F.D.R. boasted that he was so popular in America that a book of jokes about him had been published. Stalin said, "That's nothing - I have 10 campfulls." Living in Moscow in 1977, there was a report on the short-wave radio that some Soviet musician had defected in New York. The NEXT DAY, somebody said to me, "You know what a Soviet trio is? -- A Soviet quartet returning from New York." Brezhnev was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts: "Dear Comrade Imperialists," The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again... "Dear Comrade Imperialists," Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again: "Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere." A friend of mine once told me an anecdote, which I then told Gorfinkle over there, and Gorfinkle didn't think it was funny. The punch line of the anecdote - which had to do with life in the army - was that the Soviet privates were sent out to paint all the grass on the base green. I thought it was very funny. He didn't. I said, "Why don't you think it was funny," to which he replied, "because when I was in the army, we always painted the grass green." There was a famous anecdote that the reason Brezhnev's speeches ran 6 hours is because he read not only the original, but the carbon copy. In fact, there was a report near the end of Brezhnev's life that he went down to south Russia to deliver a speech on science, and accidently gave the wrong speech - on culture - and didn't even know it until it was over. It was decided to build in a Siberian town a statue of Lenin. The party boss told the monument factory to build a well-known, famous sculpture of Lenin. So the work commences - a statue of Lenin addressing the crowds will be made. Later, the party boss returns as the work is being done, and he notices that Lenin lacked a hat. "We can't have Comrade Lenin standing in the Siberian cold without a hat on him. Put one on his head." "But, Comrade- " the sculptor started. "No buts. Put a hat on him." So came the day of unveiling - and there was Lenin, a hat on his head... and another one in his hand. What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism? Well, under Capitalism, you have the exploitation of man by man. Under Socialism, it's the other way 'round. "Comrades, we have established beyond a doubt that it is possible to build socialism in one large country - like the Soviet Union. But is it possible to built it in a very small country, say, Switzerland." "Of course it is - but what have you got against the Swiss?" A man was arrested one night for running across Red Square yelling "Khrushchev is a fool! Khrushchev is a fool!" He was arrested and given 10 years - 5 for slandering the leader, and 5 for revealing a state secret. At the Olympics in the Soviet Union, Brezhnev started a speech at the opening ceremonies. He began as follows: "Oh...." "Ooooo...." "Oh...." "Ooo...." "Ooohh." until one of his advisors quietly pointed out that the Olympic symbol was not a part of the speech to read. There were so many state funerals between 1982 and 1985 that when a guy approached Red Square for one of them, and the cops stopped him and asked if he had a pass, he replied, "Hell, I've got a season ticket!" Is it true that the American capital people are on the edge of the abyss? - Yes, they are on the edge of the abyss, looking down to see how we live. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 09:15:44 EDT From: "William A. Reitwiesner" Subject: Political joke (clean) Remember those ATF and FBI agents who were fired over the Branch Davidian business in Waco? Well, they're now in Moscow, helping Boris Yeltsin deal with the Russian Parliament. ========== ------------------------------