From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Nov 1993 There are 18 messages totalling 428 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Condoms, more condoms, homosexual ghosts 2. Written on Halloween, 1993 3. 3rd grade humor 4. Sex Joke 5. Chemist Top Ten Wanted 6. pickup line... clean 7. Ravioli (G) 8. chemists 9. Inoffensive poem G-rated 10. More urinal humor 11. hello!! 12. Pickup lines and personals (clean) 13. Comments from my paper... 14. In Response to the moderator: meek inherit... 15. (2) Items you may not get 16. more on Hellen Keller 17. beavis and butthead - gift from a friend 18. Re: PICK UP LINES ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 13:01:09 +0000 From: Alun Richards Subject: Condoms, more condoms, homosexual ghosts Richard Branson, after naming his record company, film company and airline Virgin Records, Virgin Films, and Virgin Atlantic respectively breaks into the condom market. Finally he has a product that is in some way associated to the name of the company. So what does he do? Names them "Mates" condoms. What a wasted opportunity. Perhaps he thought people would only use them on virgins. Jiffy Condoms A competitor (at least in the UK) is Jiffy condoms. They ran a campaign a couple of years back with some amazing T-shirts with the following slogans: (There were more, but I can't remember them). Got a stiffy? Wear a Jiffy. Me no daft, me no silly, Me wear Jiffy on my Willy. Real men come in a Jiffy. If she's hot and needs some succour Wear a Jiffy so you can fuck her. Old Halloween gag Heard about the two homosexual ghosts? They put the willies up each other. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 10:21:37 -0600 From: Ian Chai Subject: Written on Halloween, 1993 The juxtaposition of these two things in my e-mail box strikes me as funny: 1. On the Malaysian Islamic Student Network, some people are warning Muslims not to celebrate Halloween because it is a pagan festival taken over by Christians, like Christmas and Easter. 2. On the InterVarsity Christian Fellowship list, some people are warning Christians not to celebrate Halloween because it is a pagan festival *not* taken over by Christians, unlike Christmas and Easter. Gee, I almost wish I was on some pagan mailng list to see what *they* say 8-) Probably something like warning pagans not to celebrate Halloween because it's a festival that trivializes Pagan beliefs! (Which it does, IMO -- it trivializes and makes into silly fantasy objects witches and warlocks, which have sacred meaning in the pagan religion of Wicca.) By the way, only the juxtaposition of these messages strikes me as funny. I do not mean to make fun of the sincerely held beliefs of these Muslims, Christians and Pagans. Ian ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 17:00:38 GMT From: Adrian Littler Subject: 3rd grade humor Q) What do nuclear scientists do on holiday? A) They go fission (fishin') ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 13:26:30 EST From: Maurice Jester Subject: Sex Joke Q. How do you make a hormone? A. Slap her in the face and refuse to pay her! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 14:47:23 CST From: "ROBERT P. BLAND, III" Subject: Chemist Top Ten Wanted I am interested in any good pick-up lines for chemists. I am putting together a T-shirt for my chapter of the American Chemical Society and I would appreciate any suggestions anyone would have. Here are some examples of what I am looking for: -- Is that a stirring rod in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? -- Your lab or mine? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated! Rob Bland BLANDRP@ALPHA.HENDRIX.EDU ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 16:17:28 EST From: RiffRaff Subject: pickup line... clean one of my favorites has always been Steven Wright's "Do you live around here often?" --Riff ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 14:18:18 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Ravioli (G) Q: What do you call a ravioli that pretends to be a macaroni? A: An impasta! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 16:31:10 -0500 From: JOHN VOGEL Subject: chemists Possible Pick Up Lines "Well, I must say, you certainly show how stupid that statistic about the human body only being worth $2.47 is ..." "Play your cards right and You could have the next element discovered na med after you." "What makes you think I'd put something in your drink?" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 16:57:43 -0500 From: Mike Shockley Subject: Inoffensive poem G-rated I know this is a stupid poem and you've probably heard it, but it's stuck in my mind and I have to share it. Roses are red, Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme But this one doesn't! Well, there you have it. Read it; delete it; eat it just don't repeat it. Mike ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 15:04:23 -0500 From: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA" Subject: More urinal humor Sporty type: plays battleships and tries to sink the cigarette buts Unsanitary type: taps tool dry against side of urinal Well-hung type: taps tool dry against side of foot Friendly type: looks over divider to chat while you pee Unwelcome friendly type: turns to chat and pisses down your leg Really unwelcome type: thinks tool is a light-sabre and engages you in a battle of the jedi ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 17:44:44 EST From: Catherine Ann Raymer Subject: hello!! Hello!! My name is Cathy Raymer, and I just signed on to this list... I am interesting in corresponding with anyone who is a humorist and/ or cartoonist professionally. I draw cartoons from time to time for our school newspaper here at Morehead State University.... at the time I have a couple of pretty funny Top Ten lists that I will forward to this list... --Cathy ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 18:08:02 EST From: BETH WOODELL Subject: Pickup lines and personals (clean) I know of no chemistry pickup lines. but I do remember using the following on a guy in my histology class: "Let's rub stratifies squamous epithelia together!" It didn't work. Anyway, old chemists never die, they just fail to react.... My favorite personal ad may be apocryphal but was attributed to the Village Voice: Minimalist seeks woman. Beth Woodell University of Maryland woodell@umuc.umd.edu E-mail me privately if you wanna know what stratified squamous epithelium is. You all have it. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 19:11:01 EST From: Tyler Haulenbeek Subject: Comments from my paper... Hi everyone... This made ME laugh... It's the comments my teacher gave me on my (BULLS&*%) paper on Gender Bias in Film (something I believe exists, but I completely bulls*&^%ed my paper...)... "Thoughtful, well-organized- Much more CONTROLLED than earlier version- Concentrate on channelling your anger and indignation in ways that STRENGTHEN your arguments, and make them as PERSUASIVE as POSSIBLE to skeptics..." Made me laugh... Oh, and why can't Helen Keller have children? She's DEAD! (Yell this part really loud in the face of your victim...) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 19:33:20 -0500 From: "Tansin A. Darcos & Company" <0005066432@MCIMAIL.COM> Subject: In Response to the moderator: meek inherit... From: Paul Robinson Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA ----- > Obligatory humor: Seen on a restroom wall: The meek shall inherit > the earth (if that's okay with the rest of you). "Yeah, the meek shall inherit the earth, but most likely in 6' by 3' plots." - Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love" --- Note: All mail is read/responded every day. If a message is sent to this account, and you expect a reply, if one is not received within 24 hours, resend your message; some systems do not send mail to MCI Mail correctly. Paul Robinson - TDARCOS@MCIMAIL.COM Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush ----- The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ... -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 22:06:06 -0500 From: "Tansin A. Darcos & Company" <0005066432@MCIMAIL.COM> Subject: (2) Items you may not get From: Paul Robinson Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA ----- Eric Berne wrote a book on Transactional Analysis as it relates to human relationships. The book's title is "Sex in Human Loving." It has some funny parts in it, including some discussion of why people act in certain ways. His humorous translation of dirty words into nonsense is funny. On the back of the title page it says Copyright 1964 by City National Bank of Beverly Hills A bank is the owner of copyright in a sex book. How different. ---- I was living in Los Angeles County and went to the store to purchase some items including soda. I found out that the Dr. Pepper Bottling Company of Southern California had gone into Chapter 11 bankruptcy. But that product was still being sold. So I looked at the can and I laughed at the notice on the can. Some people didn't get why I thought it was funny: Dr. Pepper (R). Canned under the authority of The Dr. Pepper Company, Dallas, Texas, by Coca-Cola Bottling Company of Los Angeles, Los Angeles, CA. --- Note: All mail is read/responded every day. If a message is sent to this account, and you expect a reply, if one is not received within 24 hours, resend your message; some systems do not send mail to MCI Mail correctly. Paul Robinson - TDARCOS@MCIMAIL.COM Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush ----- The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message: What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 22:32:22 -0500 From: JOHN VOGEL Subject: more on Hellen Keller I worked at Gallaudet for a couple of years. (for those of you trying to remember what's special that name, it's the National College for the Deaf). For the students, there are several heroic figures. Hellen Keller is certainly one of them. One day in the library, I found a book about her called _Hellen Keller in Scotland_ and found the title strangely funny. One of my deaf friends asked me what I was amused at and I showed her the title. She gave me an odd look. I signed to her, "How would she know where she was?" ( a lame joke I admit.) "They could have told her anything!" She gave me a shocked look and signed, "THEY Wouldn't Lie to Hellen Keller!" emphatically!! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 23:04:39 -0500 From: gwen eckman Subject: beavis and butthead - gift from a friend Perhaps you've seen this, perhaps not: Are you feeling anything yet? Mmm hehheh, no. ________________ I don't get it. ______________ / \ It's supposed to / / \---_ / / \ \ \ pack an awesome buzz.| - - \ | | | / - \ _ | / / RRRRIBBITT. \ / / // __ \ | ___\ \| | / / \/ // // / /// / \ | / \ Maybe you're not | //\ __ | | | \ licking right. \ /// \ / | _ | \ // \ | | | \ | Spppoooooottt. \ /-- // | | | _\ /| Mmmmm smack smack smack. / (o- / \| | __\ <_o)\o- Tastes like chicken. / __ /\ | | | \ / .) / | \ || \ ______===__, / __ &/ / \ | | |__ _ \ /..... 0 (o)__) (____ *) - | | | | (*___) /./...._\\----' / | | | | _ | /./__--' \\_ (____ | | | | //_______/ /./ /|\ ####\ | | | / / UUUUUU // ____/ ) |_/ \| / // (___ / | \ /|\ \____ | | \_nnnnnnn--\ \ | |_____/\___________/ \_______\ / \ / | / __ | | __ | | | | | | | | | | | | | DC | | | | | |Met | | | | | ( < | | > ) | | \ \ | | / / | | \ \ | | / /____| | /|||\ /|||\ | |_______| | | | | | /\ | | | | | | | | /\ | | | | | | / | | | | | | | | | | ( < ( < | | | | | | | | > ) > ) | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | %| | | | | | | |% (______)%| | | |%(______) (______) (______) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 11:08:49 MDT From: Caren Covington Subject: Re: PICK UP LINES Once we (me & some girlfriends) were going to a club. This guy kept looking at one of my friends. Finally he came over and asked her "How are you doing?", "Fine" she replied. And to this he replied "I asked how you were doing, not how do you look". Our group response to this way "Oh Pleeeeeeeezzzzeeeeee!" Caren ========================================================================= ------------------------------