From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Nov 1993

There are 18 messages totalling 621 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1.      The Purist <poem>
  2.      Re: Bumper Sticker - Offensive to Barney Fans and Dinosaurs
  3.      Top Tens!!!
  4.      Re: set those clocks
  5.      driving habits
  6.      Re: Bumper Sticker - Offensive to Barney Fans and Dinosaurs
  7.      PICK-UP LINES
  8.      From the Daily Collegian
  9.      Life  2.T      A collection of clean humor gather on: 10 Mar 88
 10.      x-rated pick up line
 11.      pick-up lines for chemists
 12.      pickup lines
 13.      glowing pickle
 14.      Light Bulb
 15.      Re: Light Bulb
 16.      Excerpt from Sen. Bob Packwood's diary
 17.      diarrhea jeans <slightly crude>
 18.      Last Will and Testament; Fun with Statistics; Future Jeans

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 00:53:28 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      The Purist <poem>

The Purist by Ogden Nash

I give you now Professor Twist
A conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day his missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 08:26:00 EST
From:         Tiffany Martin <tmartin@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Bumper Sticker - Offensive to Barney Fans and Dinosaurs

I have another catchy Barney tune I heard, sorry if anyone has heard it
already:
  I hate you, You hate me
  We shot Barney with an M-16
  Cut off his head and threw him on the floor
  No more Purple dinosaur
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 08:38:33 -0500
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Top Tens!!!

---> October 27, 1993 <---

=========================================
Top Ten Revelations In The Packwood Diary
=========================================

10. Spends thousands of dollars a month on them teen chat lines
 9. Bill Bradley usually beats the 24-second clock (If you know what I mean)
 8. Only ten percent of taxpayer's money went to Heidi Fleiss
 7. Jesse Helms has never seen himself naked
 6. One thing all of the Senators have in common...Madonna
 5. Favorite pickup line:  "If you've got the ways, I've got the means"
 4. When he's too tired to go out, Packwood sometimes sexually harasses
himself
 3. Bob Dole?  A woman
 2. Daniel Patrick Moynihan's hat is often used as a birth control device
 1. Senate pages say "Yea" more than "Nea"

---> October 28, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Signs Leona Helmsley Is Rehabilitated
=============================================

10. No longer seen jumping subway turnstiles
 9. Visits elementary schools teaching youngsters how to cheat on their taxes
 8. Four words:  She's a hugging machine
 7. All rooms in her hotels are now free!  Seriously!  Call 1-800-HELMSLEY
    right now to reserve yours!
 6. Always arrives on time for weekly face lift
 5. Before she was released, returned three dozen stolen towels to prison
    laundry
 4. Mumbled "sorry" after coldcocking the doorman
 3. Is receiving counseling for her addiction to mascara
 2. Has removed the word "bitch" from her resume
 1. Counts to ten, then slaps the houseboy

---> October 29, 1993 <---

====================================
Top Ten Signs You Got a Bad Flu Shot
====================================

10. Feet swell up, ears catch on fire, nose explodes
 9. In the so-called "serum", you recognize a couple of Cheerios
 8. When you walk into a room, people say "Hey, it's Shelley Winters!"
 7. Two weeks after getting the shot, you die of the flu
 6. The next day you find yourself on stage rubbing yourself with the Puerto
    Rican flag
 5. It looks like chafing...it feels like chafing...but it isn't chafing
 4. You got the shot from a street vendor
 3. You immediately fall asleep, and when you wake up it's 2025 and your
    mission is to track down Wesley Snipes
 2. Your skin darkens and you start saying awful things about Whoopi
 1. Hives the size of melons
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 09:37:36 -0500
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      Re: set those clocks

On Sunday my husband had to go to work at 7:30am.  He fell asleep on the
living room floor.  I woke him up and he said "Don't forget to set my
alarm!!"

So I got him all snuggly in bed and proceeded to set the clock and the
alarm so as not to forget.

Well I set it forward instead of back so he was up at 5:00am instead of
7:00am.  Boy was he mad.  But he is over it now.

Any other funny stories about daylight saving time?
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 10:02:00 EST
From:         "Musat, Bob" <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      driving habits

we all know that there are knuckleheads on the road, but i was just reminded
of a time when i was one, myself.  sort of.

the setup:
between jobs, i worked at the I-X center in brookpark, ohio.  the I-X center
is an international exposition center, and the largest facility of its kind
in the world.  we have car shows, boat shows, industrial shows, and other
events of that nature.  i worked as a "runner" for the food service
department.  the title stems from our duties of getting the food from the
kitchen, where it is prepared, to the service lines, where it is sold at
outrageously exhorbitant prices.
since the I-X center is so huge (it was an armoured tank plant, during WWII)
they give us golf carts with a carrying bed on the back to do it.  having
done this day in and day out for several months, i got to the point where i
could manoeuver the golf cart between the narrowest of clearances hardly
ever letting up on the accelerator pedal.

the payoff:
i was driving my 1978 caprice classic (a genuine land yacht, in size) coming
up to a red light on a three-lane street.  two of the lanes were in my
direction, the right one being a straight/right-turn-only lane, and the left
one being a left-turn-only lane.  i wanted to turn left.
well, about 100 feet from the light, on the left, is an exit driveway from a
bank, and a van had just pulled out and into the right lane, but just
barely.  traffic was backed up from the light such that the van couldn't
pull all the way up, and the rear of the van was almost completely blocking
the left lane, which is where i wanted to be.  the rest of the left lane was
clear, all the way up to the light.  since there was no traffic coming in
the other direction, i decided to cross the yellow divider line and go
around this van to get up to the intersection.  just as i was committing
myself (which has been suggested about me on other occasions, as well) to
making this obviously illegal manoeuver, ANOTHER van started pulling out of
the bank driveway.  i have NO idea where SHE was trying to go, since most of
the street was already being blocked by the FIRST van, but here she came,
anyway!  :/
summoning all my zen acquired from having become such an expert on a golf
cart, i continued in my path between the back of the first van and the front
of the second one.  the driver of the second van saw me, layed on the horn
and hit the brakes.  i, however, kept going.

as it turned out, i pulled my boat of a car through the opening with nary so
much as a nick to ANY of the vehicles, but as i looked in my rear-view
mirror, the eyes and mouth of the driver of the second van were open wider
than i would have thought physiologically possible.

sometimes it's GOOD to be the runner!  :)

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 10:28:11 -0500
From:         "Nigel H. Mendez" <nhmen@MVAX.CC.CONNCOLL.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Bumper Sticker - Offensive to Barney Fans and Dinosaurs

One more baRNEY TUNE

I hate you, you hate me
Lets get toghether and kill Barney
with a shotgun and a blow to the head
lets all make sure that dinosaur is dead.

Nigel
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 08:41:00 PST
From:         "Fisher, Ryan" <RyanF@IS.STATE.SD.US>
Subject:      PICK-UP LINES

My name is Ryan Fisher from the Heartland - South Dakota.  I have been on
this list for some time now, however, this is my first post.  I'm really
nervous and I have to pee!

I have an original pick-up line.  Trust me, it will never work, but it is a
good one:

How about we go to my place and play checkers!  Yeah, that way I can jump
you and get crowned!

YeeHaaa!

Laters,

Fish
RyanF@is.state.sd.us
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 11:32:46 -0500
From:         SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Subject:      From the Daily Collegian

Berkeley CA -- New York has the Museum of Modern Art. Paris has the Louvre.
Berkeley has the New Sense Museum, where art is strictly in the eyes of the
beholder.

The New Sense (say it fast) consists of a vacant, weed-strewn lot studded
with weird objects, most notably a flotilla of commodes painted fluorescent
pink, orange and green.

"What can I say? Art is whatever you can get away with, I guess," said Andy
Ross of nearby Cody's Bookstore. "I'd much rather have a nice monumental
Picasso or an ice skating rink, but we have the toilet museum."
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 08:53:30 PST
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.T      A collection of clean humor gather on: 10 Mar 88

----------------------------------------------------

One Saturday, a farmer was preparing to head off to the Farmer's Market to
sell off his produce.  On his truck, one of his wheels was a bit loose, but he
figured it would get him to the market, at least.

He loaded up the truck, and drove on his way.  He reached a particularly nasty
curve in the highway.  Just as he starts to make the turn, the wheel fell off,
and the truck veered off the road into a ditch.  His crop spilled all over the
side of the road.

Ten minutes later, a state trooper arrives at the scene.  As he exits his
cruiser, ready to help clean up the mess, he sees the farmer sitting at the
side of the road, his head in his hands, and singing to himself:

        "You picked a fine time to leave me Loose Wheel."
        (to the tune of Kenny Rogers)

----------------------------------------------------

"Say, Pooh, why aren't YOU busy?" I said.
"Because it's a nice day," said Pooh.
"Yes, but---"
"Why ruin it?" he said.

----------------------------------------------------

Dole (to Bush): Stop lying about my record
Bush (to Dole): Stop telling the truth about my record!

Al Gore's political slogan:
        Vote for Gore he knows no whore!

Did you hear about a movie starring Swaggart, Baker and Hart? It's called
"Children of a looser God"!

----------------------------------------------------

>    How did Bill Waterson pick the names "Calvin" & "Hobbes"?
>
> [Imaginary scene of Watterson and college]
>
> Didn't Hobbes (the philosopher) discuss the brutish nature of man?
>   Sounds like man could be described as a tiger.
> Doesn't Calvin (the character) often ask questions about predestination?
>   Sounds like a certain religion I've heard of.

  Congratulations, you win the $64,000 prize!

  There was an interview with Bill Watterson in the L.A. Times a few months
back, which I am using as my basis here. In it, watterson explains that he
got the name "Calvin" and "Hobbes" because of their philosophical and
religious views (which apparently contradict and conflict with each other).
Not being a student of this, I can't go into details, but I do remember
Watterson saying "it's a subtle inside joke".

  While we're on the subject of C&H (whoopee!), you might be interested in
how the strip developed:

Idea #1: "Spaceman Spiff", the misadventures and yuks of a cosmic superhero.
  Turned down by syndicates.

Idea #2: (Dunno the name), the misadventures and yuks of a suburban family.
  The father, the mother, the kid, and his stuffed tiger. Turned down by
  syndicates, but Watterson was suggested "try focusing on the kid".

Idea #3: "Calvin & Hobbes". Terrific art, whack-headed stories, reality
  shifts at the drop of a hat, and some of the most original jokes around.
  Instant success, and a very good candidate as the successor to "Peanuts"
  (YEAH!)

----------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 11:47:02 CDT
From:         Serita Blankenship <SBLANKEN@OZ.UMB.KSU.EDU>
Subject:      x-rated pick up line

Years ago, when I was much younger, I worked in a convenience store.
A very good looking guy came in, looked me over and asked if I had
any Italian in me. I said no, I didn't.  He promtly replied "would
you like some??"

(It didn't work!)

Serita
sblanken@oz.umb.ksu.edu

"Be kind to animals - Don't eat them"
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 18:07:03 GMT
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      pick-up lines for chemists

pick up lines for chemists

"I have some interesting results here that I think you'd appreciate"

"You pass my litmus test any time"

"Goodness, you've set my Bunsen burning"

"We're just two lonely atoms - why don't we make a molecule?"

"Well YOU certainly didn't come out of a test-tube, baby!"

"If you were water, I'd be sodium"

"It's obvious we see eye to eye on Chemistry; why not see how well we do
 on Biology?"

"You are SO sweet, sucrose..."               or..
"Sucrose was never as sweet as you.."

"Look, don't tell a soul, but my lab has developed a powerful new
 all-in-one aphrodisiac, contraceptive and aids-buster, which
 also happens to be extremely pleasant to take, and we're looking
 for specially qualified candidates to try it out..."
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 13:41:09 EST
From:         David Pace <DWPACE00@UKCC.UKY.EDU>
Subject:      pickup lines

If I look half as good to you as you look to me,
then I'm really turning you on...

Hey, baby-baby,
       You 'n me, maybe-maybe?
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 14:21:29 EST
From:         RiffRaff <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      glowing pickle

here's a thought for a good pick up line...

few people (the ones that don't read Penn & Teller books, at any rate) are
aware of the fact that if you skewer a dill pickle on two long metal pins,
and then plug it in to good 'ol USA wall current, it glows bright green.

It really works...I've tried it... really bizarre.

of course, this leads to the pick up line:
"Wanna come up to my apartment and see my pickle glow?"

--Riff
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 22:17:22 SAT
From:         Mazin Dabbagh <STUA472@SAUPM00.BITNET>
Subject:      Light Bulb

HOW MANY PROGRAMMERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        None...it's a hardware problem!

HOW MANY CALIFORNIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
        to the experience.
HOW MANY OREGONIANS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        Five.  One to change the light bulb, and four more to chase away
        the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

HOW MANY IBM TYPES DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        100.  Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001
        Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
        of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank"
        and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A.....consists of
        sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks."

HOW MANY EXISTENTIALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
        itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
        reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
        toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

HOW MANY PSYCHIATRISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

HOW MANY GRADUATE STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to do it.

HOW MANY MICE DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        Two.  (Hint.....they are small enough to fit inside....)

HOW MANY YUPPIES DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        Silly, yuppies don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub!

HOW MANY MARXISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        None.  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

HOW MANY SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would
        screw itself.

HOW MANY DATABASE PEOPLE DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
        Three.  One to write the light bulb removal program.
                One to write the light bulb insertion program.
                One to act as light bulb administrator to make sure
                nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the
                same time.

HOW MANY SURREALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        Two.  One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
        bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

HOW MANY MANAGERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
        to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
        How many can you afford?
--
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 13:54:23 -0600
From:         "Thomas W. Mayo" <tmayo@SUN.CIS.SMU.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Light Bulb

This one was written by Uwe Reinhardt, the health economist at Princeton:
How many Princetonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nine.  One to actually screw the bulb in and eight to extoll the virtues of
the old bulb.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 19:25:08 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject:      Excerpt from Sen. Bob Packwood's diary

Excerpt from Sen. Bob Packwood's diary.

Aug 13, 1989

I just got back from having dinner with Sen. Strom Thurmond at
his house. He is the senior Senator from South Carolina. He must
be over 150 years old, but he looks great for his age. He doesn't
look a day over a 110.

During my visit, I learned an amazing thing about Thurmond. He
died five years ago. He died in a fire when his dyed black hair
exploded. It seems he used a gasoline based dye and it ignited
when Senator Pete Dominici mistook his head for an ashtray and
put out his cigarette in it. However, the Republican Party and
one of its affiliates, Extropians for Money, brought Thurmond
back to life through Star Wars technology and RoboCop
special effects.

In public in the Senate, Thurmond does seems aware for a
Hollywood cyborg, at least as alert as Arnold Schwarzenegger. At
home, it is another matter. I have met cordwood with more
intelligence. For instance, Thurmond kept calling me Robert E.
Lee and asked me several times, "General, may I date your horse
Traveller? I assure you I have the most honorable intentions." I
finally got him to stop asking me about this by telling him
Traveller couldn't date him because he is engaged to Gen. Grant's
mule.

During dinner, Thurmond picked up his meat loaf from his
plate and held it to his ear and said, "Operator, I want to place
a call to Jefferson Davis." He sat for a moment holding the meat
loaf to his ear then slammed it back to his plate. "Damn," he
cried, "an answering machine. I hate talking to answering
machines." Later, he smeared his chocolate pudding all over his
face and cried, "Look at me! I'm Al Jolson." After dinner, he got
up and went into the bathroom where he sat in front of the
toilet, flushing it constantly, complaining, "Look at this, 500
channels and nothing to watch." When I left, he walked me to his
door. "Come on over again real soon Bob," he said. "Next time,
I'll let you floss my dentures."

Actually, it does not surprise me to know that Thurmond died. I
suspected something strange about him a long time ago when he
showed up for work one morning with bolts sticking out of his
neck. What I find most startling about the man is that he dyes
his hair black. Unbelievable! Who could have imagined such a
thing. No wonder he looks good for his age.

Yet, this discovery has caused me great consternation. I now
question my party and its policy towards dyed hair. One of the
founding principles of the Republican Party, since its first
convention, has been the belief in natural hair color. If a
conservative Republican like Thurmond dyes his hair, what other
Republicans have dyed their hair. Did Teddy Roosevelt dye his
hair? My god, what if Lincoln did. I wonder now if Reagan dyed
his hair. If so, what does this mean? Does it mean the Reagan
legacy of low taxes, big defense spending, and US support of
natural hair movements throughout Latin America to stop Castro is
a fraud?

     Questions, questions, too many questions. I have a headache.
I must lie down. I must read my Penthouse, drink a twelve pack,
and pass out.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 23:25:01 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      diarrhea jeans <slightly crude>

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary ?

It runs in your jeans.

Q. How can you tell the sex of a chromosome?

A. You look in its genes!

Okay, it wasn't crude. Punny yes.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Tue, 2 Nov 1993 23:48:46 -0600
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Last Will and Testament; Fun with Statistics; Future Jeans

The last will:
I leave:
        To my wife, my overdraft at the bank -- maybe she can explain
                it.
        To my banker, my soul -- he has the mortgage on it anyway.
        To my neighbor, my clown suit -- he'll need it if he continues
                to farm as he has in the past.
        To the ASCS, my grain bin -- I was planning to let them take it
                next year anyway.
        To the county agent, 50 bushels of corn, to see if he can hit
                the market-- I never could.
        To the junk man, all my machinery -- he's had his eye on it for
                years.
        To my undertaker, a special request -- I want six implement and
               fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers.  They are used to
               carrying me.
        To the weatherman, rain and sleet and snow for the funeral,
                please -- no sense in having good weather now.
        To the gravedigger -- don't bother.  The hole I'm in should be
                big enough.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Fun with statistics:

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road.  Driving fast decreases one's
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For the Yosemite scenes, Shatner went to his costume designers and said
that he wanted the 23rd century equivalent of Levis.  The guys told him
that they couldn't make Levis, only Levi could, so they called them in
to see what they could do.  Well, Levi said that they hadn't changed
501s in 150 years and they didn't see any reason to do so in the next
300 years, so they gave them a bunch of 501 button fly jeans.  There
you have it.  Levi's plans for the next 300 years.

As a side note, I read this in the San Jose Mercury News.  I also read
there that Levi Strauss was one of the biggest users of CAD systems.
Apparently they use the visualization capabilities to view different
fabric patterns on their designs.  Seems it is cheaper than running the
fabric and making jeans.
=========================================================================

------------------------------