From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Dec 1993 There are 32 messages totalling 698 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Festive one-liner 2. Several Nuns, Convents etc (starts off clean gradually gets more base) 3. Safe Hobbies 4. Nuns...Language, maybe offensive. 5. xmas joke 6. Missed targets! 7. Limerick (Clean!) 8. more abandond convent riddles 9. Letterman Top Ten List for 11/29/93 (fwd) 10. none. 1 naughty word 11. The Mulla Kyle Understands Grammar. Sort of. 12. The abandoned convent ... now the truth can be told (offensive) 13. Black and White...up and down (clean) 14. Art exhibit 15. More Nunsense 16. Re: college pranks 17. Michael Jackson (crude) 18. Don't forget the back door? 19. Yet another nun joke--mildly offensive 20. Netiquette 21. Abandon Convent Joke Number (?) 22. Talking Dirty (PG) 23. Nun of that now! (clean) 24. Words that don't make sense. Clean. 25. Nun joke. 26. suprize ending...rated G, slightly racial 27. Words that don't make sense. Clean. 28. good! God/nun joke, not much abandoned convent 29. Silly 30. Coffee, anyone? (G) 31. Did I hear this one on this list? nun joke 32. Re: xmas joke ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 11:59:21 +0000 From: "Paul E. Marsden" Subject: Festive one-liner My girlfriend calls me Santa Claus because I only come once a year but when I do I fill her stockings. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 11:55:10 +0000 From: Alun Richards Subject: Several Nuns, Convents etc (starts off clean gradually gets more base) Q: What fun does a monk have in an abandoned convent? A: Nun. Nun (out of breath): "Mother Superior, help, a man, running his hands over my body, taking me violently..." MS: "When, my dear?" Nun: "No, no, I WANT one. Nun: "Mother Superior, help, I've been graped" MS: "Surely my dear, you mean raped?" Nun: "No, no, there was a bunch of them." At nightfall in the convent... "Candles out, girls!" "Slurp, slurp, slurp". Re: previous submission: Q: "How do you get a nun pregnant?" A: "Fuck her". ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 07:21:00 EST From: "G.BOCCANFUSO" Subject: Safe Hobbies Remember when sex was safe and mountain climbing dangerous. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 12:42:13 GMT From: Trevor Stynes Subject: Nuns...Language, maybe offensive. Hi there again folks.... All this talk about Nuns and stuff, I just had to throw in my 2 cents worth. I hope you like this one. These two little Leprechauns go and knock on the Convent door. A few seconds later, the Mother Superior opens te door and sees the two tiny little men standing at her feet. The mother Superior is quite shocked to see two Leprechauns at the Convent door and can hardly breathe. Suddenly, one of the Leprechauns speaks to her and asks "Excuse me Mother Superior, but do you have any 3 feet tall nuns here in your convent". The mother Superior replies, "No, I'm afraid we don't have any 3 foot nuns here in this convent". The Leprechaun asks again, "Are you sure you don't have any 3 foot nuns in there, I assume you know all the sisters who live there and you are quite sure that there are no 3' nuns in there". The Mother Superior replies again, "Yes, I'm quite sure about that, I have never had a 3' nun in this convent". So the Leprechaun aks ," are there any 3' nuns in any of the convents in Dublin" To that the Mother Superior replies,"I have never seen a 3' nun in all my life, I don't think there are any 3' nuns at all in any of the Convents in Dublin at all or even in Ireland" I have never heard of one existing" So the Leprechaun turns to the other Leprechaun, who remained silent throughout the whoe conversation. He turns to him and says "You see, I told you you were fucking a penguin" Keep smilin' dudes and dudettes, More later. Byeeeeeee Trev. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 13:29:51 GMT From: Robert Whelan Subject: xmas joke Q. Why does Santa have such a big sack? A. Because he only cums once a year!!!!!!!!!!!!! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 13:33:32 +0000 From: Prasanna Bhalerao Subject: Missed targets! This is one of the old times. ------------ One day in India a great sage was performing his meditation under a mango tree. So powerful was he that his aura lit the entire surroundings. While he was deep in meditation a young urchin came nearby and happened to look at the tree which was full of ripe mangoes. His mouth watered at the sight but the mangoes were out of his reach. So he decided to bring some down with stones. He picked up one stone, aimed and let go. But as he missed the target he swore out loud "Motherf'ker, missed!". Upon hearing such filthy words the sage was rudely awakened from his penance. He saw the urchin but said nothing and closed his eyes again. The urchin unaware of the sage picked another stone and hurled it. He missed again and again he swore "Motherf'ker, missed again!". This time the sage was angry and he warned the boy "Son, don't speak such language. It's not good". But the boy didn't pay any attention and went on with his activity. Having missed the target again he swore back "Motherf'ker, missed again!". The sage was outraged and he threatened "Hey boy! If you swear again I shall curse you and burn you to death!". But the boy was not put off and tried again to bring down some mangoes but with no result. He swore yet again "Motherf'ker, missed again!". Now the sage decided that he had issued enough warnings and outraged he said "You young rascal, you pay no heed to the elders and what more you have a filthy mouth. You don't deserve to live so I am going to curse you!" With that he raised his staff to the heavens and uttered a terrible curse. Suddenly there was a great disturbance in the clouds and it started lightening. A powerful bolt hurled itself down the earth and struck the sage dead. A big voice from the heavens said "Motherf'ker, missed again!". ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 09:39:21 EST From: dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU Subject: Limerick (Clean!) Well, it's clean but a wee bit suggestive. Here goes! A lovely young maid from Darjheeling Could dance with such exquisite feeling Not a murmur was heard, Not a sound, not a word But the fly buttons hitting the ceiling. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 09:59:32 EDT From: Hank Griffeth Subject: more abandond convent riddles -----------------------------Original message---------------------------- If you take a young lady to an abandonded convent and have your way with her, will you go to hell any faster than if you did it in her apartment? If she were a deaf-mute, would it be an unspeakable act? If incest was involved would it be a sister act? ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 09:56:05 -0500 From: "Amy L. Ward" Subject: Letterman Top Ten List for 11/29/93 (fwd) ============================================================== Top Ten Stores That Won't Do Much Business This Holiday Season ============================================================== 10. Price Gougers 9. Burt and Loni's Cozy Couple Shop 8. Toys "R" Defective 7. Every Item $7500 6. Crap Mart 5. The Really, Really, Really Limited 4. Hefty Lefties: The Store for Left-Handed Fat Guys 3. Gap for Bastards 2. Joey Buttafuoco's Auto Body Shop 1. Roseanne's Secret ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 10:08:22 -0500 From: Lee Bradley Subject: none. 1 naughty word [French nuns are addressed as << soeur >>. "Soeur" sounds a bit like "sir."] A French nun was visiting England (hoping, I suppose, to visit the famous abandoned convent). Getting off the ferry, she approached the first Brit she saw and asked, "Pardon. Parlez-vous francais?" The Brit responded, "Yes, soeur." What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A nun rolling down the hill in front of an abandoned convent. A nun was in a NY taxi, coming from Kennedy Airport into the city, hoping, I suppose, to visit the famous abandoned convent. Her taxi driver ran into another cab, and the two drivers started bickering. "You, you think you're so hot, so important; you don't pay attention to where you're going. Just because you think you're a hot shot with that floozy of a nun as a passenger." --"Ha! This floozy of a nun says for you to cram it up your ass! . . . Ain't that right, sister?" As the Mother Superior was making plans to close the convent that was to be abandoned, she called in all the girls of the convent school - one at a time - and inquired what their future career plans would be, hoping to find enough young ladies willing to take the veil so that the convent wouldn't have to be abandoned. "And, Margaret-Anne, what would YOU like to be?" "I'd like to be a prostitute." "WHAT?" screamed the Mother Superior, as the fainted. When two sisters put her back on her feet, one remarked, "I know that Margaret-Anne's plans to become a prostitute are enough to make anyone faint!" --"Oh," said the Mother Superior, "I thought she said PROTESTANT." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 10:35:00 EST From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: The Mulla Kyle Understands Grammar. Sort of. This series of stories does not presume to be anything remotely resembling an allusion to the fact that my son, Kyle, might be as sage as the Mulla Nasrudin, yet i think these are tales which need to be told. If you should ever happen to meet him, please tell him that you know of him through the writings of his early-lifetime experiences. - oxo The Mulla Kyle gives a lesson in the structure of english words My son has been told to behave many times in his short life, and quite a few of them on this one, particular day. After about the eleventy kazillionth time that day, I broke down and said VERY sternly, "Kyle, why won't you behave?!?!?!" To which, the young Mulla Kyle whined back at me, "I AM being haive, daddy!" (The reason for that spelling is so that you don't pronounce ^^^^^ it as 'have'.) Creative conjugation! What a concept at age three, eh? :) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 15:30:31 GMT From: Mike Ellwood Subject: The abandoned convent ... now the truth can be told (offensive) I don't think people should get quite so incensed about these jokes... Before they abandoned the convent, what did the three pregnant nuns sing in chorus? "BeneDICTus...." What was their favourite exercise? Press-ups on the cucumber patch. And wht did Reverend Mother Say each night: "OK girls, candles out now" "PoP!" ... ... ... In the bathrooms there they had Pope-Soap-on-a-rope. I paid a visit to this abandoned convent actually, and found the chaplain still there; he looked real sad. Apparently he'd had a bit of a thing going with the Reverend Mother, but she'd found out about his also fooling around with a young novice. In order to try and sweeten her up, he'd given her a box of chocolates and a nice big bunch of red rosaries. It didn't cut any ice though; she just told him to go and psalter. He was thinking of suing her for breach of promise (well that look in her eye was very promising) but he didn't really think he had an a-priori case. As it was he'd had a lucky escape; just before she left, she'd come looking for him with a sharp knife, saying: "Aisle altar hymn". ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 08:34:53 PDT From: "Paul R. Hagner" Subject: Black and White...up and down (clean) I'm forced to jump in here... Q: What do you call one of the sisters on a pogo stick?????? A: Hop-a-long Chastity ! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 11:55:18 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Art exhibit Dozens of art enthusiasts gathered at an important gallery for the exhibition of a favorite artist. One critic asked the artist how he had managed to achieve such interesting effects. "It's very simple. I put a canvas on the floor, dump paint on it and then have two or three nude beauties slither all over it. "That must be quite stimulating." "Not especially, but cleaning the brushes is a kick." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 13:21:48 EDT From: Kim Mitchell Subject: More Nunsense What has one eye, one horn, is purple, flys, and gives the Pope head? A one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple papal eater. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 14:10:02 EST From: Michael Greene Subject: Re: college pranks The story about college students cooperating to condition a professor to write in the lower right hand corner of the chalk board reminded me of an apochryphal story about Steven Wozniak, co-founder of Apple computer. When he was an undergrad at Berkeley, he devised a little radio transmitter that fit in his pocket. All it emitted was noise that screwed up the TV in the student lounge. He'd turn it on and the TV picture would go sourth. Woz would keep the trasmitter on until somebody would get up and twiddle the TV controls a bit and then Woz would turn the transmitter off. The hapless viewer would start back to his chair and Woz would resume transmitting. Viewer would go back and twiddle the controls again. Woz would eventually get the viewer to stand on one leg with one hand on the TV to keep the picture clear. I don't know if the above is true, maybe someone who knows Woz's email address can check it? ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 13:22:22 CST From: Greg J Warner Subject: Michael Jackson (crude) What do Michael Jackson and a Tortoise have in common? They both like to get there before the HAIR! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 16:10:48 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Don't forget the back door? DON'T FORGET THE BACK-DOOR The hour was late, and the Mulla had been talking to his friends in a teahouse. As they left, they realized that they were hungry. "Come and eat at my home, all of you," said Nasrudin, without thinking of the consequences. When the party had nearly arrived at his house, he thought he should go on ahead and tell his wife. "You stay here while I warn her," he told them. When he told her, she said, "There is nothing in the house! How dare you invite all those people!" Nasrudin went upstairs and hid himself. Presently hunger drove his guests to approach the front door and knock on the door. Nasrudin's wife answered. "The Mulla is not at home!" "But we saw him go in," they shouted. She could not think, for the moment, of anything to say. Overcome by anxiety, Nasrudin, who had been watching the interchange from an upstairs window, lean out and said, "I could have gone out again by the back door, couldn't I?" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 13:27:00 LCL From: Michael Cottam Subject: Yet another nun joke--mildly offensive One nun says to the other: "Where's the soap?" Other nun replies: "Sure does!" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 16:54:18 EST From: Bill Subject: Netiquette Original-author: brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) Last-change: 30 Nov 91 by brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) "Dear Emily Postnews" Emily Postnews, foremost authority on proper net behaviour, gives her advice on how to act on the net. ----------- Q: I cant spell worth a dam. I hope your going too tell me what to do? A: Don't worry about how your articles look. Remember it's the message that counts, not the way it's presented. Ignore the fact that sloppy spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience. ------ Q: How should I pick a subject for my articles? A: Keep it short and meaningless. That way people will be forced to actually read your article to find out what's in it. This means a bigger audience for you, and we all know that's what the net is for. If you do a followup, be sure and keep the same subject, even if it's totally meaningless and not part of the same discussion. If you don't, you won't catch all the people who are looking for stuff on the original topic, and that means less audience for you. ------ Q: What sort of tone should I take in my article? A: Be as outrageous as possible. If you don't say outlandish things, and fill your article with libelous insults of net people, you may not stick out enough in the flood of articles to get a response. The more insane your posting looks, the more likely it is that you'll get lots of followups. The net is here, after all, so that you can get lots of attention. If your article is polite, reasoned and to the point, you may only get mailed replies. Yuck! ------------------------------------------------------------------ 45 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 17:12:05 -0400 From: Eric Fisher Subject: Abandon Convent Joke Number (?) What about the nun who became the sheriff of the abondon convent? She was a sister-in-law. The question is, "Is it alright to kiss a nun in an abandon convent?" I say, "It's o.k. as long as you don't get into the habit." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 15:09:47 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Talking Dirty (PG) Heard this from radio personality Barry Farber: When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 per minute. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 17:31:03 -0500 From: "We carry in our hearts the true country..." Subject: Nun of that now! (clean) What do nuns and 7-Up have in common? Never had it, never will *grin*. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 17:39:11 -0500 From: "D. E. Gulledge" Subject: Words that don't make sense. Clean. Do you ever wonder..... Why we drive on a parkway, but park on a driveway. Why when we dress a chicken, we remove the covering; but when we dress a child we cover it up. When the weatherman says to expect inclement weather, is the opposite clement weather. Where's Sam when we need him. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 15:47:00 MST From: Chris Farmer Subject: Nun joke. What do you call a dead nun's ghost? Nun of the above. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 17:01:47 CST From: Jason Cohen Subject: suprize ending...rated G, slightly racial A little boy was learning about G-d in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white." To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Micheal Jackson?" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 19:40:00 EST From: "G.BOCCANFUSO" Subject: Words that don't make sense. Clean. Did you ever stop to think about the phrase: Don't scare me like that! Next time someone says that to you, ask how they do want to be scared. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 18:38:02 CST From: Paul 'Bear' Crowson Subject: good! God/nun joke, not much abandoned convent This man is having no luck whatsoever finding employment in New York City. He decides maybe he'll have better luck in Washington, DC. So he goes to Grand Central Station and with his remaining money, buys a one way ticket. As he's waiting, he suffers a heart attack. Three days later, he wakes up. He sees a nun standing at the end of the bed, her having just arrived from the abadoned convent. She tells him that he was brought to a Catholic hospital, where they operated on him and saved his life. She says that the hospital took the liberty of going through his belongings and, frankly, they were a bit worried as to whether he would be able to pay for the operation. He admits that this might be a problem. He explains how he is unemployed and had just spent his last few dollars on a train ticket. The nun asks, as she was wont to do before the convent was abandoned, do you have any well-to-do relatives that might be able to pay your hospital bills for you? He replies that his only living relative is his sister, an old spinster nun living in Philadelphia, who had lived at the convent before it was abandoned, before she moved to Philly. The nun becomes furious. She says, "Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids, they are married to GOD, especially the ones from the ABANDONED CONVENT!" Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law. Paul Crowson -- In Moo-Moo-Moosouri ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 19:51:18 -0500 From: Hilde Horvath Subject: Silly Did you ever wonder why you find things in the last place you look? Answer is because once you find it, there's no sense looking any more. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 19:59:34 -0500 From: "John P. Mechalas" Subject: Coffee, anyone? (G) Yes, once again I found myself sitting around tonight, bored almost to tears, trying to find something to do. As usual when such moods hit me, I picked up the remote control and began randomly flipping through the television channels. Within minutes, the hint of an idea began to form in my mind. I turned off the television and grabbed a handful of change as I headed out the door. My target: the local coffee shop where all the employees and patrons take their jobs, and their coffe-drinking, so seriously that humor is probably not in their dictionaries. Needless to say, it was a perfect target. On my way over, I stopped at the gas station (yes, we do have gas in Indiana...gasoline, that is) and purchased a small can of lighter fluid. It wasn't very high quality, but it would do. I then proceeded to the cafe in question, and (hiding the oil can in my coat) seated myself at one of the more centrally located tables (I wanted a good seat). The waitress came up to me, and with a stern, humorless look, asked: "What would you like, sir?" "A cup of coffee, please," I replied. A few minutes later the coffee arrived (with the waitress, of course), and as she turned and walked away from me, I quickly and quietly opened up my lighter fluid and poured a small amount into the cup. I grabbed a nearby match (everyone in a cafe seems to have a matchbook), lit it, then dropped it into the cup. With flames spurting out almost 3 inches above the rim of the cup, I called the waitress over, and in a calm, rational voice said: "Excuse me Miss, but my coffee's too hot." I thought it was hysterical, but no one else seemed to appreciate the joke. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 20:00:25 EST From: BETH WOODELL Subject: Did I hear this one on this list? nun joke >She says, "Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids, they are >married to GOD, especially the ones from the ABANDONED CONVENT!" >Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law. This reminds me of the two rabbis who were walking down the street one beautiful day when they pass a cathedral and one says, you know, in all my days I've never been in a cathedral! And the other says, no kidding! Me neither. Let's go in and check it out. So they go in and it turns out a nuns' initiation ceremony (whatever you call it) is going on. The priest conducting the ceremony says, "May I help you gentlemen?" One rabbi says, "We just wanted to stop in and observe what goes on in a cathedral, just because we're interested." Priest: "Well, you're welcome to stay, but you can see we have a very solemn occasion going on here. These women are about to become brides of Christ. It's a very important time in their lives!" Rabbi (as they both sit down in the back pew): "That's OK, we'll stay. We're on the groom's side!" ---------------------- BTW, there was a good made-for-cable story on one of the premium channels recently featuring a lot of name actresses like JoBeth Williams, Martha Plimp- ton and Talia Shire as sisters, I think, and the Talia Shire character is a nun. One of the other gals asks her how nuns get sexual fulfillment and the nun swears she gets sexual gratification from actually having sex with God. "God is ALWAYS erect," she informs us. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 17:08:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" Subject: Re: xmas joke Q. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time? A. Because they were originally made for children, but father wants to play with them. Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children? A. Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney. How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, "Olive"? Olive? Yeah, you know... "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A. You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. ========================================================================= ------------------------------