From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Dec 1993 There are 19 messages totalling 561 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Abandoned convent stuff (clean) 2. offensive to policemen 3. Racist joke 4. kansas, sort of (mildly adult language) 5. Audience - GP 6. Offensive to Clinton supporters 7. Rush Limbaugh 8. Gross, disgusting; bonus convent joke 9. Skin Tuck (clean) 10. Golf on Sunday....Offensive language. 11. Nun Joke .. (Slightly Dirty) 12. Jokes for 18 and above 13. abandoned convent riddle 14. Life 3.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jun 88 15. Re: abandoned convent riddle 16. really G-rated joke 17. Real news - I wouldn't make this up 18. Re: Rush Limbaugh 19. 3 blonde jokes ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 10:28:07 +0000 From: Alun Richards Subject: Abandoned convent stuff (clean) Heard about the Mother Superior (in the abandoned convent) who threw Ajax all over the father? She was done for bleach of the priest. An abbot (from the apocrophal abandoned convent) who was new to the town went downtown one night, to one of the seedier areas. A prostitute approached him and asked "Fancy a quickie, father? Only #15". This puzzled the abbot. As he walked the streets, more ladies of the night approached him in this way, all asking if he fancied a quickie for #15. The next morning he visited the Mother Superior and asked: "Mother Superior, what's a quickie?" The reply came: "#15, just like in town." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 13:26:07 +0100 From: Joerg Findeisen CEDAR Subject: offensive to policemen Q: Why are there always 2 policemen on patrol ? A: One can read, the other write. Q: But why are there sometimes three of them on patrol ? A: One can read _and_ write, and the other two protect this genius. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 13:28:00 IST From: "A. SOLOMON EAGLSTEIN" Subject: Racist joke What does Florsheim Shoes and US Postal Service have in common? 100,000 black loafers. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 08:06:00 EST From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: kansas, sort of (mildly adult language) i remember, one time, when a lady (I'll call her jean) on first shift came in to work one morning, and i was particularly tired from 3rd shift, the night before. she was usually exuberant, only this morning she was just a bit less tolerable than usual. she came over to my workstation to tell me about her turn at cross-training with an excited, "hi, bob! i'm coming to third shift to learn from you!" quick as a wink i shot back, "oh, yeah? can you bend over and grab your ankles?" well, as you all may have been able to tell by now, i can add two and two and come up with four at least 97.3% of the time, yes? the only trouble is that innuendo usually come to the fore first. being fed a straight line like that, i find it very difficult to resist the temptation. this situation was no exception, but i took even greater than my usual delight in my response, since jean is a borderline good-looking-and-knows-it case: she's a tall blonde with a pretty face; perky, not-too-large breasts; a fairly lithe body; who therefore ASSUMES she's pretty. the best part of the whole conversation came next, though, when she missed my meaning entirely, and answered me with, "well, sure! who can't grab their ankles?!?!" in the words of bugs bunny: "what a maroon!" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 08:53:29 EST From: Tony Cichan Subject: Audience - GP A fellow was out for his usual morning walk. Crossing the road along which he walked was a high overpass. As he neared the overpass he noticed, lying at the foot of a pillar, a crumpled heap. Walking closer he realized that it was a person lying there, who had either fallen or jumped from the overpass. He rushed over to see if he could help and saw that the person was still alive. He also noticed a dead parakeet tied to the ankle of the person lying there. "what happened?" he blurted out. The eyes opened, and a painful voice answered, "I wanted to find out what this budgee jumping is about." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 10:00:54 EST From: dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU Subject: Offensive to Clinton supporters Did you hear about the law recently passed in the Arkansas state legislature outlawing the celebration of Halloween and Thanksgiving? It seems they had no choice: the witch left and took the turkey with her. -Now, who says we Democrats can't laugh at ourselves? ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 10:05:26 EST From: Joel O'Connor Subject: Rush Limbaugh **** New Saturday morning cartoon concept **** Rushie's World! Our fearless, and cuddly, hero, who grew up in his own little world where everything was The Way Things Outta Be, is suddenly and mysterously transported to the Real World. Little Rushie is appalled, and soon goes out with his trusty sidekick, Morton Downy Junior, to spread mindless blatherings all around the Real World, just in case someone cared. Our Hero and his trusty sidekick's fondest hope is that, someday, someone just might be insane enough to do what they say, and the Real World will be a more Aryan place. *sigh* I have noticed that Rush often brags about how well his show is doing in the polls. News Flash Rush..... Milli Vanilli was also very popular, but they were soon exposed as the frauds they were, and were laughed out of the business. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 10:31:25 +0500 From: "Penny S. Ward" Subject: Gross, disgusting; bonus convent joke Joe Tenderfoot went out west around gold rush time to see about striking it rich. He was distressed to find that the hot, dry weather soon gave him a painful case of chapped lips. He asked an old-timer how to help his lips heal. The old-timer said, "Sure. Watch me." Old-timer walked up to a mule, inserted his finger in the mule's arsehole, then wiped the finger over his own lips. Joe cringed. "Does that really fix your chapped lips?" Old-timer replied, "Nope, but it keeps me from licking 'em." --p.w. P.S. I read in the news that the great Midwest flood this year also affected the abandoned convent. Within a few short days it was wholly water. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 10:52:54 -0500 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Skin Tuck (clean) Your favorite butt of jokes had a face lift the other day, and the doctor came to him (her) after the operation and said, "I've got some good news and some GREAT news." "Well, tell me the good news first," said _______. "The operation was very successful. Your skin is going to have the resilience of that of an 18-year old. You're going to look very young for a very long time." "That IS good news. What's the GREAT news?" asked ______. "We have enough skin left over for a pair of boots. What's your size?" P.S. Please don't put in Elizabeth Taylor's name. She's really too classy to have to suffer YOUR abuse, too. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 15:31:08 GMT From: Trevor Stynes Subject: Golf on Sunday....Offensive language. OK guys and gals.... Since we're on the topic of religion and I don't know about you guys but I think this Nun shit is all used up. Here's one for you I think you might like. I sent it before but I like it. There was this guy and his parish priest playing a round of Golf one Sunday. Fr Maloney always enjoyed a round of 18 holes after morning service. So he went down to the green with one of his parishioners. Let's say the guys name was Sam. Anyway, Sam was lining one up for a putt. He was just about ready to sink this and improve his handicap. He shoots and misses the hole by 1 inch. Sam shouts out "Fuck it, I missed". Fr Maloney was slightly taken back by this and persuades Sam to come to confession. "You must refrain from using such obscenities on the Lord's Sabbath" explains Fr Maloney. Sam apologises for his temper to the priest. Once again, Sam is lining up another Putt and swings hoping to take him 3 under par. The ball just stops short of the hole and again in blind rage, Sam shouts "Fuck it, I missed again". Fr Maloney again says "Oh Sam, you must stop using such obscene language on this, Our Father's day, God's rage will come down upon you in a blinding flash of light and strike you down". I'm sorry father" says Sam. Once again, Sam is lining up a shot. He's on the 18th hole now and could bring him to breaking his all time record of 8 under par. He takes the shot, the ball is rolling towrards the hole, getting closer, closer and rolls into the hole and suddenly pops back out again. Sam can't believe it. He is major pissed off about this and screams at the top of his voice, "Aaaahhh, Fuck it, I missed again". Fr Maloney is quite distraught with this one and tries to calm Sam down. "Please Sam, God's wrath will come down upon you and pass judgement, and in a blinding bolt of lightning, he will destroy you" But just as Fr Maloney had finished speaking a bolt of lightning comes flashing down out of the sky and hit's poor Fr Maloney and destroys him. There is nothing left of poor Fr Maloney except two burn marks where he was standing. Sam looks on in disbelief wondering what poor Fr Maloney had done to deserve such a cruel punishment. Just then a loud voice booms from the sky saying, "Fuck it, I missed". Hope you liked. More later. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Keep smilin'.... Trev. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 12:10:12 +0000 From: Prasad Kulkarni Subject: Nun Joke .. (Slightly Dirty) One nun asks other nun Do you know what is the difference between a pin and a screw ? The other nun replies calmly I don't know because I never been pinned ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 14:13:18 +0000 From: Prasanna Bhalerao Subject: Jokes for 18 and above Read this somewhere but can't remember where. However I can still recollect it! It goes something like this - Good morning, Mr. Muffet, Sir, bless your heart and soul, I came to f**k your daughter, Sir, but couldn't find her hole! At last I found her hole, Sir, it was under her frock, But damn it, Mr. Muffet, Sir, I couldn't find my cock! At last I found my cock, Sir, it was at its hub, But damn it, Mr. Muffet, Sir, I couldn't get it up! At last I could get it up, Sir, as always it should have been, But damn it, Mr. Muffet, Sir, I couldn't put it in! At last I could put it in, Sir, it came thick and sore, But damn it, Mr. Muffet, Sir, your daughter wanted more!!! -------------------------------- This one was inspired by the RUM CAKE sent earlier. Thanks Amy. HOW TO COOK A CHICKEN --------------------- Ingredients: A full chicken A ripe banana A cherry Butter (as much as you need) Select a fresh ripe chicken. Take the chicken breasts in your hands and massage them properly. Peel the banana and spread ample amount of butter on it. Locate the cherry inside the chicken legs and gently massage it too. Now spread the chicken legs wide apart and insert banana into it. Do it again and again till the banana creams and the cherry pops (or till the cherry creams and the banana pops). No special grilling is required as the heat generated by the chicken and banana is sufficient. p/s if the cake rises, leave town. - Prasanna Bhalerao u.b.r.icim@rea2101.wins.icl.co.uk ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 12:32:03 EST From: Michael Greene Subject: abandoned convent riddle If a prince of the church had his way with a nun in an abandoned convent would it still be a cardinal sin? ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 09:03:06 PST From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 3.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jun 88 ---------------------------------------------------- A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone. "Deposit $1.85 please," instructed the operator. Pulling himself up to full height and dropping into his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, "Ma'am, I'm from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to Hell and back for $1.85!" "I understand, sir," retorted the operator, "but in Texas, that's a local call." One is reminded of the society for the preservation of sea otters whose motto was "Do unto otters as you would have otters do unto you." And then there was Pac-Bell's resident expert on fiber-optic communications. Sort of a specialist in light conversation. I've decided to try my hand at art. My first painting will be an outdoor portrait: a great field, in the middle of which stands a lone gong. A stylized characterization of the West Wind will be blowing softly over the gong. I will call it: "Gong With the Wind." Canada's prairie provinces are experiencing severe drought and dust storms. A farmer can wake up to find that all his top soil has blown onto his neighbours farm down the road. But still some farmers manage to find humour in this saying, "It's the only time real estate changes hands without the lawyers getting a cut." My electromagnetics professor, Dr. Andrew Dienes, defines "trivial" as "Any problem that can be solved by a Nobel Laureate in less than 24 hours." You can imagine that I was relieved to hear that my final would be trivial. ---------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine who happens to be British, and has a delightful accent, teaches chemical engineering at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. A few years back he was complaining about how deadly dull the undergraduates were. He said that they were so lacking in curiousity and sense of humor, that he would bet that he could show up for his morning lecture wearing a "redcoat" uniform like those worn during the revolutionary war, and nobody would ask anything about it. So he did just that, complete with pointed hat, boots, and sword. There was a very tense moment at the end of the lecture, when he asked "Are there any questions?" One hand went up. The student asked "Will the material on blah-blah-blah be on the exam?"... ---------------------------------------------------- A friend of his had been lecturing on the doppler effect to a really, really dead class. Finally, in sheer exasperation, he pointed to the equations on the board, to be more precise, at the (speed.of.sound- speed.of.object) in the denominator and said: "This particular portion of the equation shows where the sonic boom comes from. As the speed of the object approaches the speed of sound in air, is part slowly goes to zero. Finally, when the object hits the speed of sound, a division by zero error occurs, reality rips, and all of the air in the surrounding area pours out into the 4th dimension." The class took notes.... ---------------------------------------------------- In article <546@osupyr.mast.ohio-state.edu> gae@osupyr.mast.ohio-state.edu.UUCP (Gerald Edgar) writes: :Schoolmaster: Suppose x is the number of sheep in the problem. :Pupil: But, sir! Suppose x is NOT the number of sheep in the problem. :I [i.e. Littlewood] asked Professor Wittgenstein if this was a profound :philosophical question, and he said that it was. >From Walt Kelly's "POGO" comic strip, the Three Bats (Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered ["How do you spell that, Bemildred?"]) trying to determine if all three of them are present for a meeting, since each one counts only the other two: (from memory, may be a little off) First: The way to solve this is with algebra. Here's my old algebra textbook. It says, "Let X equal the unknown." Second: The unknown, huh? That would be Snorbert Zangox over in Waycross. First: He's unknown? Third: The best! I've never heard of him. Second: Neither have I. Put me down as one not knowin' him. Third: I don't know him, either. First: Neither me. Now I adds up how many don't know him, and I gets "three!" Second: Meaning three of us don't know him, so there's three of us here! First: Man, that algebra is terrific! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 13:09:01 -0500 From: Grady Lacy Subject: Re: abandoned convent riddle On Thu, 2 Dec 1993, Michael Greene wrote: > If a prince of the church had his way with a nun in an abandoned convent > would it still be a cardinal sin? Since, to be a prince of the church, he has to be ordained, perhaps it would be an ordinal, rather than cardinal, sin. This idea brings to mind the question of whether it might be the first or second (or even higher) one that he has committed, if a sin it be. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 13:40:05 EST From: Philip Hodgen Subject: really G-rated joke What did the ocean say to the beach when they met? Nothing. It just waved. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 14:14:49 -0500 From: JOHN VOGEL Subject: Real news - I wouldn't make this up This is from a Reuters press feed published in the Washington Post on 12-2-93. And you thought Technology would make things easier ... Sex Line's Heavy Toll in Gatemala Guatemala City -- International telephone sex services are causing headaches for thousands of Guatemalans who have unwittingly run up huge bills they cannot pay. Advertisements to call "Love without Frontiers" and "Horoscope of Love" first appeared in local papers in April, but Guatemalans dialing the advertised numbers were unaware they were calling Canada and paying @2.75 for each minute of steamy phone sex until bills arrived months later. "This is a nightmare without frontiers," said Sergio Morataya, who heads an investigation by the state run phone company, Guatel's investigation into the phone sex scandal, "There has been a tremendous response, especially from children and adolescents." More than 7,000 Guatemalans hav ebesieged guatel's headquarters in Guatemala city shere an office run by a public relations expert and a psychologist has been set up to deal with the complaints. "I deal with between 65 and 100 people per day," said Rossy Farness who sits under a prominent blue sign that reads "Telephone complaints from Canada." "The biggest bill belonged ot a woman who came in yesterday. It was for $9,827," she said. Many Guatemalans deny making the calls and accuse Guatel of doctoring their phone bills citing the now famous example of phone sex calls billed to a disconnected number. "I go out ot work and my two children go ot school," said single mother Ana Maria Betancour, who was presented with a bill for $2,236. "We are poor. I spent three days in bed worrying about the bill when it first arrived." But Guatel isn't buying it. Many Guatemalans somply do nt want to admit to their families that they called a phone sex line, said Morataya. Attorney General Telesforo Guerra, whose office owes $344 for phone sex calls has ordered an investigation into who placed the anonymous advertisments in the Guatemalan press. Guatel has offered short-term relief to Guatemalans who face bankruptct over phone bills by placing international blocks on phones free of charge and freezing payment of calls ot Canada until a house-to-house investigation has been completed. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Somehow I don't think this was the Canadian import people were thinking of when NAFTA passed. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 14:16:48 EST From: RiffRaff Subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh a few minutes of Monty Python.... "Hello Mrs. Gorilla." "Ooh, hello Mrs. Nongorilla." "Been shopping then?" "No... been shopping." "What'd you buy?" "A piston engine!" "Why's you buy a thing like that?" "Ooh, it was a bargain!" "...How much do you want for it?" "Ninepence." "All right... How do you cook it?" "Cook it?! You don't cook a thing like that!" "Well, I'm not going to eat it raw!" And then... We're knights of the Round Table, We dance whene'er we're able We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impeccable We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and spam a lot! We're knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable but many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able We're opera-mad in Camelot we sing from the diaphragm a lot In war we're tough and able quite indefatigable (?) between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable It's a busy life in Camelot 'I have to push the pram a lot...' **And now for ten seconds of sex** ..All right, you can stop now. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 15:16:03 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: 3 blonde jokes What do you call a blonde upside down? A brunette. Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons? Because blond guys are stupid, too. I understand there's yet another blonde invention: ejection seats for helicopter pilots. ========================================================================= ------------------------------