From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 1994

There are 13 messages totalling 337 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1.      Ethnic joke on murders: You be the judge of offensiveness
  2.      Anti-feminist, pro-feminist humor
  3.      The circus came to town: long joke
  4.      Humor for 8 year olds.
  5.      Where'd the last brick go?
  6.      Theater Joke
  7.      Q & A humor  (clean)
  8.      Smoking and pets on the bus
  9.      Michael Jackson Humor (Somewhat offensive)
 10.      Childhood jokes about sex <oldies>
 11.      Absolutely Gross Jokes
 12.      Personal & Confidential (True)
 13.      Stupid Dictator

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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 07:34:00 EDT
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              (410) 830-3642" <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Ethnic joke on murders: You be the judge of offensiveness

A guy was walking down a street in Ireland when a man approached from behind
him and stuck a knife to the the guy's throat.

"Be you protestant or catholic", the assailant (sp?) asked.

The guy thought "If I say I'm catholic and he's protestant, I'm a dead man. If
I say I'm protestant and he's catholic, I'm a dead man." After a little
thought, the guy said, "I'm jewish, I'M JEWISH".

"Aha," the assailant said, "I have to be the luckyest Arab in Ireland!".
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 17:52:00 +0200
From:         Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject:      Anti-feminist, pro-feminist humor

    Adam asked one day, "God, may I ask you a question?"
    God said, "Of course, Adam."
    "God," asked Adam, "why did you create Eve so beautiful?"
    "That's a very good question, Adam," answered God.  "I
made her beautiful so that you would like her."
    Adam thought a while and said, "Thank you, God.  I know
that I am a bother, but I would like to ask you another
question."
    "Go ahead," said God, "how else will learn if you do not
ask questions?"
    "God," asked Adam, "I know why you made her so beautiful,
but why did you make Eve so dumb?"  [here feminists blanch]
    "Ah......", answered God, "...so that she would like you."
    [a great sigh of relief]
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 10:31:27 -0600
From:         Mark Goehring <mgoehrin@UA.D.UMN.EDU>
Subject:      The circus came to town: long joke

John (or your favorite person) has two kids and they live in a small
town.  One summer a circus came to town and of course the kids begged to
go.  John, being a loving father, gives in and takes his two children.
When they get there the kids want popcorn, soda, and everything else.
John tells the two kids to go find the seats and he will be there in a
minute with all the food. (again, this is a small town where kidnapping
isn't a problem)  So, John is just getting to his seat when the first act
comes out.  As he approaches his kids he notices a man sitting next to
the kids and an empty seat next to the man.  Since the circus is
beginning and not wanting to make a scene, John sits next to the man and
not the kids.  John figures they can switch after the first act and
nobody will be bothered.  So the first act comes out and it is a clown.
The clown grabs the microphone and says, "ladies and gentlemen, first the
first act I will need tree volunteers!"  Without hesitation the guys on
either side of John stand up.  Well, not wanting to be outdone in front
of his kids, John stands up too.
The clown continues, "we will use the three of you (pointing to our
little trio) to make a horse.  You sir (pointing to the guy on John's
left) will be the horse's head.  And you sir (pointing to the guy on
John's right) will be the horse's middle.  And YOU (pointing to John) YOU
are the HORSE'S ASS!
The entire audience explodes in laughter.  John is humiliated and gets
his kids and storms out of the tent.  For the rest of the week everyone
makes fun of John. (again this is a small town and word travels fast) His
kids don't want to be near him, his wife won't sleep with him, his boss
doesn't want him to work for the company.  Basically his life is ruined
by the clown.
John starts thinking about how those guys left a seat for him and figures
that the whole thing was a set-up.  Since the circus will be open again
in a week, he begins to plot against the clown.  He goes to the library
and begins research.  He reads every funny book, every joke book, every
comeback line, watches movies about comedy, everything he can find.  He
stays at the library for like a week straight coming up with the best
come-back of all times until he has it.
So, the circus comes back and he convinces his kids to come with again.
Same thing happens, they want food, he has them go sit down, the same guy
is next to the kids and the clown comes out as John gets to his seat
between the two guys.  Again the clown asks for volunteers and again the
two guys on either side of him stand up.  John pops up thinking "yes,
this was a set up!  I'm gonna get this damn clown!  This comeback will
really get him good!"
Again the clown goes through his speal "you sir (pointing to the guy on
John's left) will be the horse's head and you (pointing to the guy on
John's right) will be the hors's middle and you (pointing at John) will
be the Horse's ASS!!!  The audience explodes again and John smiles
because he has the all time great comeback.  When the audience calms
down, John stands there and says ......... "FUCK YOU CLOWN!!!"

At this point, it is usually a good idea to duck beacuse most people will
probably hit you for wasting some much time with a dumb joke but it gets
funnier the more times you tell it and the more you add to it making it
longer and longer.
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 12:10:55 EST
From:         Philip Hodgen <philiph@AOL.COM>
Subject:      Humor for 8 year olds.

Why can you never get hungry at the beach?
Because of the sand which is there.
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 12:37:04 EST
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Where'd the last brick go?

Mark's clown joke reminded me of a story my high school calculus
teacher told me. It was about a man who wanted to build a brick doghouse
for his dog using one of those d.i.y. plans from the hardware store.
The blueprint called for exactly 1000 bricks. Well, this was our hero's
first d.i.y. project and he really wanted to get it right. He studied
the plan, measured twice like a good do-it-yourselfer is supposed to,
mixed up all the mortar etc. and built the doghouse exactly according to
plan....except for one lonely little square hole at the top where the
last brick was supposed to go. Huh? He was sure he'd followed directions
exactly, and he was sure he purchased 1000 bricks and the hardware
store didn't shortchange him, and now he was coming up one brick short!
Where'd the last brick go?
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 13:29:53 -0500
From:         "Pamela M. Bianchi" <pmbianch@MAILBOX.SYR.EDU>
Subject:      Theater Joke

1.  Name two people who got shot in the head in a theater.

Abraham Lincoln
and
The guy who sat in front of Pee Wee Herman
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 16:46:57 -0400
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Q & A humor  (clean)

Q: What does it mean when a woman comes home to a man who is considerate,
   kind and affectionate?

A: Usually it means she's in the wrong house!
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 16:42:12 EST
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Smoking and pets on the bus

One day a lady gets on the bus with her {small nervous dog, you fill in the
breed--I tend to think of it as a poodle but a Pom works too}. The bus driver
tells her she's not supposed to bring pets on the bus, but she begs and pleads
and the bus driver finally acquiesces, but only if the dog remains quiet.
She agrees to keep the dog in line and goes to a window seat near the back.

A few stops later, a guy gets on and sits near the lady and dog. He proceeds
to light up a big fat smelly cigar. "Excuse me, sir," our heroine says,
"there's no smoking permitted on the bus." "Too bad," he growls, and keeps
on puffing. She insists he put out the stogie right now, but he refuses.
In the meantime, the dog gets a whiff of the wafting smoke and starts barking.
"Never mind my smoke," the guy says, "what about your dog? His yapping is
bothering ME!" "Well, your smoke is bothering my little Fluffy! That's why
he's barking!" she argues back.

"Well, I'm not putting out my smoke. Your dog has a problem with the smoke,
why don't you ditch the dog," the man says. Meanwhile, the lady is terrified
the bus driver will make good on her promise to kick them both off if the
dog started making noise. In desperation, she opens the window and tosses
the dog out. BUT....what the cigar guy can't see is, she's still holding
the handle on the leash. That way, she can reel the dog in after the cigar
smoker finishes. He says to himself, "My god! I can't believe she really
tossed the dog out the window!" So he goes ahead and puts out the cigar.

After another stop, he finally gets off. "Whew!" the lady sighs. "That was
a close one. Now I can reel in little Fluffy. Boy, was my hand getting sore."
So she pulls up the leash, and there's the dog, and guess what the dog has
in his mouth?

You got it...the brick.

"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone lingerie."
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 17:22:33 EST
From:         "Jeremiah K. OShea" <Jeremiah.K.OShea@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject:      Michael Jackson Humor (Somewhat offensive)

Why are Michael Jackson's pants so short?

Because they're not his!

What would Michael Jackson have been if he wasn't an entertainer?

A priest!

What do K-Mart and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both have little boys' underwear half off!

Ok, this is the *really* offensive one. . .

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue
Little Boy Blue who?
Little boy blew Michael Jackson.

Jake O'Shea
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 21:03:43 EST
From:         Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Childhood jokes about sex <oldies>

Why does a cannon roar?
You would roar too if your balls were shot off.


The difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 22:25:19 -0500
From:         James McIntyre <tiassoc@MICRONET.WCU.EDU>
Subject:      Absolutely Gross Jokes

If you are offended easily, please delete this file now:
---------------------------------------------------------
One guy said to another, "The woman I saw you with last night must have been
60 years old. What's the story?"

"I love women that age," the other man replied.  "They don't swell, they don't
tell, they don't smell, and they're grateful as hell."
--------------

What is the difference between poverty and Jewish American Princess?

Poverty sucks.
-------------------
What's the difference between garbage and an ugly girl?

At least garbage gets picked up.
-------------------

How can you tell when a guy is ugly?

His personal physician is a vet.
-------------------

A salesman was staying in an old hotel where the bathrooms were down the hall.
He awoke before dawn with a full bladder.  He didn't have a bathrobe, so he
chanced a naked dash to the bathroom. However, halfway down the hall, a door
opened and three old maids came out of their room.

The salesman froze like a statue.  The first old-maid looked at him and put a
nickel in his mouth.  The second old maid put a dime in his mouth.  The third
old maid put a quarter in his mount and grabbed his penis. "Look," she told he
friends, "it dispenses hand lotion!"
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 22:41:01 -0600
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Personal & Confidential (True)

I just got a letter in the mail today (1/3/94). The envelope looks like
this:
    +----------------------------------------------------------------+
    |                                                        vvvvvv  |
    |                                                       > Bulk < |
    |                                                       > Rate < |
    |                                                       > USA. < |
    |                                                        ^^^^^^  |
    |                                                                |
    |   PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL                                    |
    |                                                                |
    |                                                                |
    |                                                                |
    |                                     **** CAR-RT SORT ** CR09   |
    |                                     Fred Smith                 |
    |                                     Or Current Resident        |
    |                                     123 E. Jalan Street # 9    |
    |                                     Urbana, IL  61801-9325     |
    |   MEMBERSHIP CARD ENCLOSED                                     |
    |                                                                |
    +----------------------------------------------------------------+
"Fred Smith" (the previous occupant) was crossed out (I assume by the
postal carrier) to indicate it's going to "Current Resident" (me)...

It's the "PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL" part that had me ROTFL 8-)

Ian

P.S. The name and address have been changed to protect "Fred's"
     anonymity.
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Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 15:21:25 +0300
From:         Mo Mirzaa <EM019@BHUOB00.BITNET>
Subject:      Stupid Dictator

Here is another joke about one of those middle east Gods. Well, you see
Husni Mubarak, the Egyptian president is so stupid that once upon a time
he visited a dairy product show that was held in Cairo. While touring the
place, he commented "wow what a nice cow", "excuse me Sir, it is not a
cow, it is a goat" the director of the show said to him. After a few
minutes, Mubarak said: "Wow what a nice piece of cheese". "Excuse me
Sir". The director said. "This is not cheese, it is milk". The thirs
time, Mubarak stopped and said: "Well, this is a bull, and don't you
correct me this time. I know all about bulls". "I am sorry Sir". The
director said. "But this is a mirror !"
Please let me know what you think of this kind of jokes ! Thanks.
Mo.
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