From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 6 Jan 1994 There are 18 messages totalling 362 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Sex & v. sick 2. Sex Education 3. A conversation between an Rabbi and a Priest.... 4. BRAS... 5. another German joke 6. Blondes' revenge 7. Re: Blondes' revenge 8. Food for thought 9. Blondes' revenge (fwd) 10. More Food for Thought 11. Drunk 12. Blonde :-) 13. Prodigal son 14. med school quotes 15. Signs & Notices Pt. 4 (clean) 16. Presidential humor (PG-13) 17. flat Cat and a Quote (clean) 18. tasteless, homeless, poor ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 07:20:39 EST From: Paul Scriven Subject: Sex & v. sick A young man was driving along in his van, and spotted an attractive woman, hitch-hiking. He stopped to pick her up. It is beyond me, how such things come about, but they ended up in the back of the van. "Have you got a whip?" Asked the woman. He had not. "Haven't you got anything you could use instead?" He thought for a while, went outside, and fetched the radio aerial. This proved quite adequate, and the had a good time. A couple of weeks later, the man developed an nasty rash around his genitals. After scratching for a while, he eventually went to his doctor, who examined him, but was at a loss to account for it. "Haven't you done anything, recently, which could have caused it?" He asked, whereupon, our hero told him, with some embarrassment, about his adventure with the hitch-hiker. "In that case," said the doctor, "it's perfectly clear you have a nasty dose of van aerial disease!" ************************ Q: What is red, screams, and can't turn around in corridors? A: A baby with a javelin through its head. Well, I did say it was sick. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 12:48:36 +0000 From: Jim Doyle Subject: Sex Education Two young Irish maidens are walking home from school after their first ever Sex Education lesson. Patricia: Attracta, are you a virgin. Attracta: Oh no. Not yet! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 10:01:17 -0400 From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now." Subject: A conversation between an Rabbi and a Priest.... A rabbi and a priest were talking shop. The priest began, "If I am successful, preach excellent sermons, and please my superiors, eventually I may become a Bishop." "That's very nice," said the rabbi. "And then," the priest continued, "if all goes well, within a few more years, I can become a Cardinal." "I'm glad you have so many opportunities for advancement," said the rabbi. "It's highly unlikely," said the priest, "but, at least theoretically, I could even become pope." "Mazeltov," said the rabbi, "but for me, as a Rabbi, I just stay a Rabbi. That's what there is. But I suppose that after being pope you could even become God." "Oh no," said the priest, "no one can become God, that's blasphemous." Replied the rabbi: "Well, one of our boys made it." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 12:57:27 -0500 From: "YEAH, WELL..." Subject: BRAS... a friend just told me this, so i hope y'all like it... What's the German word for bra? Keeptwofromfloppin (this has to be read kinda fast) ;) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 13:08:19 EST From: David D'Abrosca Subject: another German joke What do you call a German who is constipated (sp?)? Farfrompoopin ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 18:14:00 -0600 From: LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 Subject: Blondes' revenge Why are all blonde jokes one liners? So that men can understand them! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 21:21:26 SFR From: Sven Friberg Subject: Re: Blondes' revenge Why are all jokes about man longer than one line ? So that blondes could understand them :-) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 14:40:40 -0500 From: Jim Muncy Subject: Food for thought Dog 1: I ate the dictionary today. Dog 2: How did your master take it? Dog 1: She didn't like it. Dog 2: How do you know? Dog 1: She took the words right out of my mouth. ------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the dark street? One of them was a salted. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two tomatos were out for a walk with their little tomato. The little tomato kept lagging behind. Eventually, in total frustration, the mommy tomato walked back to the baby tomato, steped on her, squashing her all over the sidewalk. As she was steeping on the baby tomato, the father yelled "catch up." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 14:32:25 -0500 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Blondes' revenge (fwd) Why do blondes always tell the same joke over and over? Because it's the only one they can understand! ========= 2. The question on the sociology exam was: "Has the criminal population increased or decreased and why?" --After deep thought, the student wrote: "The criminal population has DECREASED, because after Cain killed Abel, 33.33% of the population had committed a murder." 3. This true story: A criminal justice professor here was explaining collection of evidence in a rape case: "The absence of semen does not always preclude penetration." A young co-ed asked, "Excuse me, professor, but what is semen?" The prof was taken aback but persisted with an explanation: "Semen is the white fluid that accompanies ejaculation." "Oh," she said, "you mean cum!" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 15:14:00 EST From: "SWARTZ.RODNEY" Subject: More Food for Thought A couple of potato chips visit a bar prior to taking in a movie at the local cineplex. They sit at the bar, having cocktails and conversing. All the while, a rather slutty looking pretzel at the end of the bar is eying up the male potato chip, making him more than just a bit nervous. When his date excuses herself to the powder room, the pretzel saunters over to him, shakin' it for all its worth. She saddles up next to him and says, "So, are you Herr's, or are you Frito Lay?" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 21:48:27 SFR From: Sven Friberg Subject: Drunk There are three levels of drunkness: 1. A man sits on the back seat of cab and when the driver asks "Where to ?" he answers "That's not your business !" 2. A man walks to cab from one side and right away out of other. Then he asks the driver, "How much ?" 3. A man is sitting on the back seat of cab and asks "Where can I put brandy and cakes ?" and when driver answers "To the back-sill", he just "" Just heard it. Sorry if my english is a little "out of hand". ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 22:04:22 SFR From: Sven Friberg Subject: Blonde :-) Man is in date with blonde. She has to go to ladies room and man waits her by enterance. Suddenly he can hear how the blonde counts: one, two, three, four, ... ... ... Help ! A hundred-legged ! As you can see, even my lowsy english can write a blonde joke that is longer than one line :-) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 16:55:38 -0600 From: Ian Chai Subject: Prodigal son Tom Deahl told me this one: Q: Who was the least pleased to hear of the return of the prodigal son? A: The fatted calf. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 16:59:00 CDT From: Tim Fenske Subject: med school quotes Medical School Quotes I These are actual quotes that I heard first-hand last semester. I thought it might be humorous for you to hear a glimpse of the future (and teachers) of medicine. "The way I see it, I don't know anything." -med. student "It's a powerful thing, vomiting." -med. student "I sound like I know what I'm talking about, but I don't." - pharmacology professor "If I was a woman ...." -female med. student "There are no wrong answers." -oncology professor "I wouldn't mind an open book test." -med. student "I have a feeling that if you know this tomorrow [during the exam] you'll be 8 points smarter than you are right now." -hematology professor "I really do think, though, that people who think they're normal have really big problems." -med. student "You've got to see our compost pile. It's amazing, man." -med. student And one oldie but goody (which I did not hear first hand!): "A finger in the mouth and a finger in the rectum makes a good physician." - Sir William Osler (famous 19th century physician) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 18:17:35 -0400 From: Orlando Doc Griego Subject: Signs & Notices Pt. 4 (clean) These are actual signs and notices from around the world written in English: 1. From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. 2. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. 3. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. 4. Advertising for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? 5. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. 6. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. 7. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Orlando "Doc" Griego ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 20:53:39 -0500 From: "SSgt Scott C. McClaren" Subject: Presidential humor (PG-13) It seems that Bill & Hillary were invited to a masquerade party. While they were in the bedroom, Hillary picked up a lemon and placed it between her legs. Immediately, Bill picked up a potato and put it between his legs. Hillary said, "Bill, you can't go like that". "Hell I can't," he replied, "if you can go as a sour puss, I can go as a dictator" (get it....dick tater)..... ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 21:54:33 -0800 From: "NADAV 415-666-2973 NOLI BOVEM HABERE, VIR" Subject: flat Cat and a Quote (clean) This is a visual joke A man is driving down the street when suddenly he runs over a cat. He stops the car and starts looking for the owner of the cat. He knocks on the door of the nearest house and a woman answers M: Excuse me, but do you have a cat? W: Yes I do M: Well, I just ran over a cat and I was wondering if it was yours? W: Oh no, What did the cat look like? M: Well, He looked like this: (hold your body like your a squashed cat) W: No, You idiot, what did he look like before you ran him over? M: Oh, he looked like this: (hold your hands up like someone said "it's a stickup", open your mouth wide and pretend you see a steam roller approaching) and a quote: If you hit a man on the head with a fish, He'll have a headache for a day. but if you teach him how to hit himself over the head with a fish, He'll have a headache for the rest of his life. Thank you Bill for this wonderful list ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 23:52:07 -0700 From: Doug Brunelle Subject: tasteless, homeless, poor Kill two birds with one stone: Feed the homeless to the poor. ========================================================================= ------------------------------