From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Feb 1994

There are 30 messages totalling 992 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1.      language (offensive language)
  2.      Sex based joke plus dogs' names
  3.      job fits abandoned convent name!
  4.      Clinton joke   political!
  5.      Re: may be offensive to blacks (a variation)
  6.      Re: A Fine Sign
  7.      HUMOR: PC Lexicon (part 3 of 3) and note about the series
  8.      Family humor (clean; I'm leaving the dirty stuff out)
  9.      Offensive to pachyderms
 10.      Jokes - all ratings
 11.      Bear Hunting Joke (Language)
 12.      HUMOR: PC lexicon (part 3 of 3)
 13.      500 channel cable television?
 14.      Another Sexist Joke (offensive to women
 15.      Another True Headline
 16.      questions that have no answers
 17.      Scary story!!!!  :}
 18.      Stephen Wright
 19.      offensive to people from East Tennessee
 20.      A feminist alters her views
 21.      two fun (sick, offensive, & probably misogynistic) jokes...
 22.      Twinkie Science
 23.      List of Taglines and License plates
 24.      RE: Religious humor, may offend Christians
 25.      Top Ten List for 1/31/94
 26.      The brutal ice-capades
 27.      Life  3.I     A collection of clean humor gathered on: 20 Oct 88
 28.      HUMOR: 3 Born Losers <from the cartoons>
 29.      Top Ten List for 2/1/94
 30.      RISQUE (could be offensive to Catholics, deaf people)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 01:25:26 EST
From:         Nic van der Vyver <zawlhc9h@IBMMAIL.COM>
Subject:      language (offensive language)

...heard about the woman who went to a fancy dress ball totally in the
nude, all the while tapping the top of her head with her right hand?
when asked what she represents, she said, "A self-tapping screw, for sure"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

...the difference between a trapeze artist and a good looking prostitute?

the one has a cunning stunt......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

what do you get when a stranger kisses your ear?

hearing aids

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

if you kiss a bird you could contract chirpies, a canarial disease that's
untweetable!

==========================================================================
______________________________________________________________________




AFTER THE ABOVE, I HAVE A SERIOUS REQUEST FOR HELP.

THERE IS A RHYME WICH CONTAINS QUITE A FEW VERSES AND THE CHORUS PART
GOES LIKE THIS :


"I am not a pheasant plucker,
 I am a pheasant plucker's son.
 And the season isn't over,
 Till the pheasant plucking's done"


Can be put to good use at parties when all are asked to repeat
together as fast as possible!   Obviously the words could come out
somewhat different after they have all had a few drinks!

Is there anybody who recall any or all of the other verses.
I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD COPY ME.
Probably all humor subscribers would appreciate them, so go for the
general list.

(I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead)
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 13:19:00 GMT+0800
From:         "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject:      Sex based joke plus dogs' names

Below is a story heavily into sex, but first

In response to the joke about the dog called Stay - imagine what
it would be like to have two dogs: one called Stay and the other
called Go.

Come Stay! Sit Go! Stay go! Go stay!

Then when they produce puppies you could call them Sit, Beg,
Down.

---------------------

A man and woman had been married a long time and life had gotten
into the traditional rut. Harry came home after work each night,
put on his slippers, took a 6-pack out of the fridge, sat down
and watched TV eating his dinner off a tray, going to bed at
11pm, putting on his pyjamas and going straight to sleep. Harry
hardly said a word to Ethel, his wife. Now Ethel was undergoing a
rearrangement of hormones and was getting terrible sexual urges,
which were being ignored by her apathetic Harry. She tried
whispering naughty suggestions into his ear, but to no avail.
Dressing in revealing, sexy negligees to greet him on his return
from work failed to change his nightly routine of sitting down to
watch TV. In bed all attempts to make his impressive penis rise
from out of his pyjama bottoms failed - it, like Harry, just lay
there fat and flacid.

Finally, totally frustrated Ethel packed her bags one day and set
off whilst her husband was at work to seek peace and inner
tranquility through travel. One day she was walking through a
village in India when she saw a crowd gathering. Pushing herself
through she found a fakir (holy man) with a long piece of rope.
THe fakir took a small bag from off his belt and from it took a
pinch of silvery dust, which he then sprinkled on the rope coiled
on the ground. Instantly the rope began to uncoil by itself and
to rise straight up in the air until it hung there rigid like a
pole. THe fakir then proceeded to climb up the rope, which
remained rigid. Ethel was most impressed and immediately thought
that this dust was just the answer to her problems with getting
satisfaction from Harry. Ethel took the opportunity whilst the
fakir was up the rope to steal the bag of dust which had been
left on the ground.

Arriving back home in the evening Ethel found Harry sat in front
of the TV drinking beer as usual. Harry's only response to
Ethel's appearance after being absent for months was to ask for
his dinner. At 11pm Harry duly went upstairs, put his pyjamas on,
climbed into bed and went to sleep. Ethel undressed and climbed
into bed also. Carefully pushing the covers back she took the bag
of powder, took out a large pinch of the dust, sprinkled it
generously over Harry's torso, pulled the covers back, and
waited. To Ethel's delight the bed covers over Harry almost
immediately began to rise above Harry's torso. By the time the
covers had raised 2 feet Ethel was wet with anticipation, but the
covers continued to rise. Ethel almost swooned when the covers
rose to over 3 feet above Harry. Unable to control herself any
longer Ethel ripped off her negligee, screamed "Yes! Yes! Now!
Now!" Threw the covers off the bed and found the fastening cord
from Harry's pyjama trousers stood up rigid above Harry.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 11:05:59 GMT
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <adam@KBSS.BT.CO.UK>
Subject:      job fits abandoned convent name!

Although we got off abandoned convents and job-names a while ago
I thought you'd appreciate this:

The people who run a doctor's surgery in Bromyard, Herefordshire,
wanted to name the surgery with local connotations. Why not use
the name of an ancient priory that used to stand on the other
side of the street, they thought. This they did, and a sign now
stands outside the building proclaiming "Nunwell Surgery".
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 08:43:10 EST
From:         Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Clinton joke   political!

What was President Clinton's biggest mistake about Whitewater?
He didn't hire Oliver North as his aid de camp for shredding documents.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 09:40:00 EST
From:         "Wall, David K." <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject:      Re: may be offensive to blacks (a variation)

>A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.  He sits down
>and calls for the bartender.  The bartender comes over and says,
>"Hey man, where'd ya git that?"
>
>The parrot looks at the bartender and says "AFRICA!"

I haven't heard that variation.  Here's the way I heard it:
(Obviously I just lightly edited the above version.)

A man walks into a bar with a parrot growing out of his head.  He sits down
and calls for the bartender.  The bartender comes over and says,
"Hey man, what's up with that funny growth?"

The parrot looks at the bartender and says "Well, it started out as
a bump on my ass!"
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 09:56:47 EST
From:         Paul Worth <pworth@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: A Fine Sign

We have here in Valdosta, Georgia:

Pro-Tan/Pro-Kill
Tanning salon and exterminator in the same building.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 10:01:25 EST
From:         Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      HUMOR: PC Lexicon (part 3 of 3) and note about the series

"Insensitive Term"                         "Preferred Term"

- - -  ACADEMIC / CURRICULUM <-

Far East                        -   Asia
Censorship                      -   Selective Speech
B.C.                            -   B.C.E.
Older Students                  -   Non-Traditional
                                    New-Traditional
Learning Disability             -   Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Cheating                        -   Academic Dishonesty
Library                         -   Educational Resource Center
Used Books                      -   Recycled Books
Dorm                            -   Residence Hall
Berkeley                        -   Mecca

- - -  MISCELLANEOUS  <-
Broken Home                     -   Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken                     -   Family Disfunction
Mercy Killing                   -   Euthanasia
                                    Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery
Insult                          -   Emotional Rape
Cattle Ranch                    -   Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
                                    "Moo-shwitz"
Senile Bag o' Bones             -   Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio                   -   (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
                                    Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger                       -   Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger                    -   Adding Insult to Injury
Trees                           -   Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang                            -   Youth Group
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider          -  Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Drunk/Trashed                   -   Spatially Perplexed
Slum                            -   (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
China                           -   Porcelain
Delicatessen                    -   Corpse Farm
                                    Charnel House

SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs)
- - ----------------------------------
These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe
people.  Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing
(and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children.

DO NOT USE THESE WORDS. (except when telling other people not to use them)

IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND
IMMEDIATELY:

"Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad,
Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head,
Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie,Honky,
Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi,
Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie,
Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Wetback, Whore,
White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable"

READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT?
IT BETTER HAVE.

THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS.  PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES
TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.
- - -------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 1992 - FRIEDMAN/HALADYNA - All Rights Reserved
- - -------------------------------------------------------
I have received three requests for the entire series of PC Primer and Lexicon.
I regret I cannot accommondate these requests as I erased them after I posted
each (so I wouldn't post them twice). I found this material in a forgotten
usenet newsgroup last year, so I cannot refer you to an orginal source. You
can download all seven of these PC articles (4 PC Primers and 3 PC Lexicons)
by requesting logs from Humor's archive. Send the following commands to the
listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu
(no subject needed)
GET HUMOR LOG00054
GET HUMOR LOG00055
GET HUMOR LOG00056
GET HUMOR LOG00057
This article will be posted in the NOTEBOOK (notebook is what the current log
is always called; once the current notebook collects 3000 lines of our mail,
it will turn into LOG00058 which will include this articles). The reason I
know is because I have my HUMOR mail set to NOMAIL and I read HUMOR by
downloading the logs.

I appreciated the five notes I received about this series. Even the one person
who disagreed with the theme of the humor was polite. Imagine people being
polite about political humor.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 10:30:21 EST
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Family humor (clean; I'm leaving the dirty stuff out)

Today is my father's birthday. (Really.) He is an avid golfer. The family
joke has always been that if he goes out on his birthday and plays nine holes,
then spring will come early. If he goes out, then turns around and comes
back 'cause it's too cold, then we are destined for six more weeks of winter.
(When we lived in upstate New York he sometimes would go out to play even
in the snow, using a fluorescent red golf ball.)

More Woodell family humor: My grandfather called lox "walrus meat." That
name used to scare my little brother! But to this day we all refer to
lox as walrus meat.

My grandfather was a pretty good-looking guy even in his dotage. He used to
fuss with his hair a lot (never really went bald) and brag about his "young
skin." It didn't matter how much of an old fart you were in other respects,
as long as you had your young skin life was going to be all right for you.
To demonstrate, he'd pick up the skin on his knuckles and say, "See! It
bounces right back. Young skin!" (At this point my father walked in and
didn't know what we were talking about, but he immediately, quizzically
tested his knuckle skin. Sadly, it did not pop back.) Well, once my
grandparents were on an elevator in a Las Vegas resort with two other
alta cockers (Yiddish for old fart), total strangers, and these men started
talking about young skin, testing their knuckles etc. My grandma and grandpa
had to bite their tongues to keep from bursting out loud laughing! "Oy, I
thought my underpants would never dry," my grandma said later.

My uncle used to be a great storyteller. Once he gathered his two kids and
my brother and me to tell us a story about Charlie the Flea. Now, one
day Charlie was on the bottom of the ocean talking to Willy the whale when...
and I (I was 7 at the time) piped up and said, "How can Charlie be on the
bottom of the ocean? He needs oxygen, otherwise he'd drown!" The other kids
said, hey yeah, that's right. Boy did that put the kibosh on my uncle's
story!

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
"Man...a creature made at the end of the work week when God was tired."
       --Mark Twain
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 11:39:30 -0500
From:         Hugh Tucker <hctucker@ACS.BU.EDU>
Subject:      Offensive to pachyderms

Why do elephants paint their testicals red?
So they can hide amongst the cherry trees.

What is the loudest sound in the jungle?
Gazelles eating cherries.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 11:27:01 -0600
From:         Robert James <bobjj@POST.ITS.MCW.EDU>
Subject:      Jokes - all ratings

1. Rated G
        Colleges should enforce academic standards for athletes. If an
athlete earns a letter, he should be able to spell it.

2. Rated PG
        Last week there was a burglary at the police station and all the
toilet seats were stolen. They're having a tough time solving this one
because the cops don't have a thing to go on.

3. Rated PG-13
        A woman complains to the golf attendant about an accident on the
golf course. "I was hit by a golf ball out there." "Where?" asked the man.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied. "Oh, thats easy," he
replied, "your stance is too wide."

4. Rated R
        The doctor just delivered a baby boy that was born without an
eyelid. the doctor said "when we circumsize him, we'll use the foreskin
for an eyelid." the operation was a success but the doctor is a little
concerned the baby may be cock-eyed.

5. Rated X
        Did you hear about the call-girl who made two appointments for the
same time? She was able to squeeze them both in. (insert laughs here)
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 12:49:00 EST
From:         "HIPPO.ROBERT" <RSH4@OAS.PSU.EDU>
Subject:      Bear Hunting Joke (Language)

Upon arrival at their hunting, a group of hunters discover that there is an
enormous bear sitting on the roof of the cabin. Not wanting to wait to see if
the bear will leave on its own, the hunters race into the cabin, phone the
game commission, and ask them to send someone out to remove the bear.

A few hours pass before a truck pulls up from the game commission. A man steps
from the truck a looks over the situation. He then gets in the back of his
truck and returns with his equipment which consists of a ladder, a baseball
bat, a shotgun and a dog.

The man from the game commission approaches the hunters and hands one man the
shotgun, tells the dog to sit next to the cabin and sets the ladder up against
the cabin. Couriosity got the best of the hunter holding the shotgun and he
asked the man, "How are you going to trap a bear using a ladder, a baseball
bat and a dog?"

The man from the GC replied, "I'm using the ladder to climb on the roof. When
I get to the roof the bear will charge me and I'll knock him off of the roof
with the baseball bat. And this dog is a specially trained hunting dog that
knows that when something falls from the sky, he is supposed to attack it by
 the testicles, and drag the poor SOB into the cage in the back of my truck."

Still curious, the hunter with the shotgun asks, "Then why am I holding this
shotgun."

The man replied, "That's in case the bear knocks me off of the roof
first...you better shoot that god-damned dog fast."
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 11:07:09 CST
From:         Bret Robideaux <robidb@LBM.COM>
Subject:      HUMOR: PC lexicon (part 3 of 3)

>READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT?
>IT BETTER HAVE.

Just wondering....what if it happened to the be words on the RIGHT hand
side of the columns that filled me with 'revulsion'?

- I know that I will never be politically correct -
- I don't give a damn about my lack of ettiquette -
                               Meat Loaf
                               _Everything Louder Than Everything Else_
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 14:10:43 -0500
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      500 channel cable television?

> Here's that piece from Harpers I told you about, the one about options for
> the 500 channel universe:
>
> (From a conversation held during October and November on the Well,
> a computer conferencing system located in Sausalito, California.
> Members of the Well,
> identified below by their user I.D.'s, or computer "handles," were asked
> for suggestions to "fill the first 500 channels of broadcast,
high-bandwidth,
> interactive" television.)
>
> KADREY: The Airport Luggage Inspection Channel.  Direct video
> feeds from baggage X rays around the world.
>
> MARK: The Patty Duke Channel, with archival footage of her wedding to John
> Astin shown in between episodes.
>
> TIGOE: The Laundry Channel.  Twenty-four hours of the window of an
> industrial washing machine.
>
> SPIROS: A channel of just feet--toes, ankles, heels, and maybe, in flashes
> of sluttiness, calves.
>
> LUDLOW: A twenty-four-hour White House channel.  Enough with
> the odd press briefing and Rose Garden chat; I want to see who's
> walking the halls.  I want to see them shampoo the carpets at 4:00 a.m.
>  I want the see the chef fixing a state dinner.  I want an interview
> with the guy or gal who mows the lawn.
> I want to know what kind of homework Chelsea has today.
> (Socks' kitty box? JBP)
>
> MEDIAK: The Supermarket-Aisle Channel.  Long tracking shots of carefully
> stocked cans of potted meat.  _What's New in Vienna Cocktail Franks_.
> Interviews with stock clerks.  _Box Cutting_: "How not to Slice the Cereal
> Boxes Open."  _Checkers Corner_: "What the Item Cutoff in the Express Line?"
>
> JEROD23: The All-Rejects Channel.  Nothing but TV series that
> lasted less than one full season.
>
> RBR: CNN Minus 365.  Last year's complete CNN feed.
>
> TIGOE: The Just-Like-Me Channel.  Twenty-four hours of people on sofas,
> remote control in hand, watching TV.
>
> YUPA: Channel Destructo.  Twenty-four hours of very big things being blown
> apart, crashing into rivers, or being shot at with large weapons.
>
> BRUCES: A "channel-surfing channel" that will show me whatever it is that
> various celebrities are watching at that moment.
>
> CLIFFU: A channel that shows nothing but soaring buzzards, with shots from
> the buzzards' point of view.
>
> BRUCES: The All-Graveyard Channel.
>
> SMORSE: The Airport Channel.  Prolonged views of active takeoff and landing
> runways.  If there's a crash, you'll be the first to see it.  Specials:
> _Congested Taxiways at LAX_.  _Out of the Fog at SFO_.  _The
> Nosewheel Camera Hour_.
>
> MCVICAR: The Counter Channel.  Every time another view flips to it, a big
> counter increases by one.  Sometimes everyone would tune in just to
> watch the numbers tally really fast.
>
> SMORSE: The Endoscopic Surgery Channel.  Coronary arteries.  Urethras.
> The brain stem.  They can see it; why not you?
>
> BRUCES: Abyssal Submarine TV, live from the depths of the Marianas
> Trench. Sunday's feature: twenty-four soothing hours of the
>  sulfur-sucking tubeworms of the East Pacific Rise.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 14:40:50 EST
From:         Rich Elkins <GEELKINS@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Another Sexist Joke (offensive to women

I heard this one the same time as the "Why did the woman cross the road?
What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?" joke.

Q:  During sex, what is the best way to bring a woman to orgasm?
A:  Who cares if she has an orgasm.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 11:45:46 -0800
From:         "Dr. David Lustig" <David.Lustig@SYNTEX.COM>
Subject:      Another True Headline

The Louisville Courier Journal (a *real* newspaper, not a tabloid) had a
headline in the spring of '86 in the Lifestyles/Health/Hobbies section that
caught my eye:

             BUTT ROT INCURABLE, BUT AERATION MAY HELP

It turns out the article was about a root disease in *plants* (rhododendrons,
I think).  True story!
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 14:49:08 -0400
From:         Dean Smith <SMITH4_D@BENTLEY.BITNET>
Subject:      questions that have no answers

This is my first posting, I am not sure if I have done this properly.  Would
someone reply and let me know if this message is sent to the list.  thanks

Here are some questions which have no answers.

Do you think that illiterates get the full effect of alphabet soup?

What happens if you wear an 18-hour bra for 20 hours?

Is it really necessary to frisk a naked suspect?

Why is there an experation date on sour cream?  ( does it become fresh??)

How come if a sheep gets wet, he does not skrink?  (if you are wearing a wool
sweater and it rains, the sweater will shrink up to a dickie.)

"I went to a general store, and wanted something specific."  Stephen Wright
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 15:01:56 -0500
From:         Mike Ogilvie <STU_MLOGILVI@VAX1.ACS.JMU.EDU>
Subject:      Scary story!!!!  :}

Did anyone ever think that the people who are sending the illegal
unsubscribe messages are not used to the volume of mail and so are
not reading ANY of it, including that which flames them and tells
them how to legally sign off?  Just a thought.  (I'm sympathetic to
those who are ignorant)
---------------------------------------------------------------------

  These two Boy Scouts were traveling through the woods when they came
upon a scary looking house.  Wearily, they went inside to get out of
the cold.  The hallway was very long and narrow with lots of cobwebs
and dust.  The door at the very end of the hall had a little light
peeking out from under the crack.  Very slowly, they crept to the end
of the hall, clinging to one another.  When they were finally there,
they flung the door open.  The room was empty except for a coffin at
the far wall and lots of lit candles all along the edges of the floor.
They could do nothing but stand and stare.  Just then, the coffin
moved!  It began to move a little more...... it jumped towards them.
the older Boy Scout, being prepared and all, took out his pocketknife
and threw it at the coffin.  Thunk!  It stuck, but the coffin moved
even quicker.  Then, the older Boy Scout took his canteen and flung it
with all his might at the coffin.  But it just bounced off.  In a
final attempt, he threw the flashlight at the coffin, but it just
broke into a million pieces.  Now the coffin was coming at them at
a frightening pace.  The smaller Boy Scout was scared shitless.  He
threw the only thing he had with him at the coffin: a pack of Halls
he had brought for his sore throat.  Miraculously, the coffin stopped
and never moved another inch.

The Morale of the story?...  Halls stops the coffin.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 13:47:41 -40962758
From:         Robert Gonzalez <gonzo@INDIRECT.COM>
Subject:      Stephen Wright

People seem to quoting a lot so here's a few more:

I have a large seashell collection that I keep scattered on the beaches
all over the world...maybe you've seen it.

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  I had to buy them
again.

I bought some instant water, but I didn't know what to add.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 14:48:15 -0600
From:         GARY MICHAEL CHAD STARNES <GMS0090@TNTECH.EDU>
Subject:      offensive to people from East Tennessee

Q:  How did the man know his daughter was a virgin?
A:  She could out run her brother.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 15:59:00 EST
From:         "Wall, David K." <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject:      A feminist alters her views

[From Gene Spafford's Yucks digest]

The time has come, Wolf says, to return feminism to the mainstream,
to strip away its man-hating connotations, to expand it to include
women who may differ on some issues -- say, abortion rights -- but
who agree that women must fight for a fair share of political and
financial power.

Femininism has faltered, Wolf argues, because it has become en-
crusted in academic jargon and poisoned by "the rhetoric of the
penis as a weapon."

"This is very alienating when you go home at night and the penis
is your friend," she says.

                        Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich
                        interviewing Naomi Wolf about her new
                        book, "Fire with Fire: the New Female
                        Power and How It Will Change the 21st
                        Century."  December 15, 1993
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 14:50:31 -0700
From:         "e. kirk willard" <ekwillar@OURAY.DENVER.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      two fun (sick, offensive, & probably misogynistic) jokes...

Q. why did the pervert cross the road?
A. because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

Q. how many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. two: one to screw it in, and one to SUCK MY DICK!!
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 17:09:53 -0500
From:         Jascha Franklin-Hodge <joeshmoe@WORLD.STD.COM>
Subject:      Twinkie Science

                TWINKIE FAILURE TESTING
                -----------------------

        In an effort to clarify questions about the purported
durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we
subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:

EXPOSURE:
         A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days, during
which time an inch and a half of rain fell.  Many flies were observed
crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis,
birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance.
        Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie
retained its original color and form.  When removed, the Twinkie
was found to be substantially dehydrated.  Cracked open, it was observed
to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the
filling, however, retained its advertised "creaminess."

RADIATION:
        A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which
was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of
bacon.  After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich,
characteristic aroma of artificial butter.  After 1 minute, this
aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber.  The experiment
was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began
billowing from the top of the oven.  A second Twinkie was subjected
to the same experiment.  This Twinkie leaked molten white filling.
When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its
plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of a
butter knife.

EXTREME FORCE:
        A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of
approximately 120 feet.  It landed right side up, then bounced
onto its back.  The expected "splatter" effect was not observed.  Indeed,
the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on
its underside.  Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.

EXTREME COLD:
        A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours.
Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its
physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found
to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the
mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface.  It
was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.

EXTREME HEAT:
        A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes.  While
the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream
holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire.  It did, however,
produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation
experiment.

IMMERSION:
        A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap
water.  The Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink, and
viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting
of a water-soluble artificial coloring.  After 2 hours, the Twinkie had
bloated substantially.  Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in
contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it.  The
Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72
hours, the Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent
of its original size, the water had turned opaque, and a small,
fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes."
        Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further
analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure, the Twinkie
disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour
odor was noted.

SUMMARY OF RESULTS
        The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with
some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and
artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would
unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food."  Further clinical
inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 17:23:03 -0500
From:         Jascha Franklin-Hodge <joeshmoe@WORLD.STD.COM>
Subject:      List of Taglines and License plates

OB Joke:
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has paws at the end of its paws,; the other has a pause at the end of its
clause
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 19:42:59 -0500
From:         Stan Planton <PLANTON@OUACCVMB.BITNET>
Subject:      RE: Religious humor, may offend Christians

(an old joke)
A little boy was being quizzed in his Sunday School class about the
crucifixion
of Christ and was telling the story:

"...and then they crucified Him and when he was dead, they took his body down
from the cross and washed it and wrapped it in a shroud and took it to a
cave..
"
(the teacher nods approval)

"...and they rolled a HUGE stone across the entrance of the cave."

(teacher again approves)

"...and when the Disciples came back later, Jesus rolled the rock back, came
out of the cave, saw his shadow, and they had six more weeks of winter!"

Stan Planton
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 18:36:22 -0600
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 1/31/94

---> January 31, 1994 <---

=============================================================
Top Ten Things Buffalo Bills Coach Marv Levy Said At Halftime
=============================================================

10. "We won!  Wooo!  We're Super Bowl champs!"
 9. "Boy, I'm sleepy.  You guys sleepy?"
 8. "We've got a long trip home after the game, so I don't want anyone wearing
    themselves out"
 7. "Now get out there and rest on your laurels!"
 6. "Hey, Kelly.  Leave some champagne for everyone else!"
 5. "What do you mean there's two more quarters?"
 4. "Let's plan exactly how you're gonna dump the Gatorade on me"
 3. "Okay, boys -- get out there and start sucking!"
 2. "Wait a minute, if we win, we have to go to Disneyland"
 1. "Hey fellas, more fudge?"
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 20:37:13 -0500
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <fowler@PALRES.DNET.SANDOZ.COM>
Subject:      The brutal ice-capades

The saddest part about the entire incompetant fiasco, from Tonya
Harding's standpoint, is the loss of future income. Regardless of
the legal outcome, her possible earnings from endorsements are
effectively zero. No! Wait! I hear she and her loony husband have
just been signed up by Sega Genesis for "Mortal Combat"..... Look
out for the metal club in level 3.

(Lame, I know, but I actually am on crutches today)

Here's a true story: a guy was on a clinical trial of a new drug,
double-blind (ie. neither he nor his physician knew whether he was
getting the drug, or the placebo). Unfortunately the poor chap
became impotent, and decided he'd have to drop out. His doctor
agreed, and so he stopped taking the pills. Unfortunately, he
WAS taking the placebo. Life is cruel.

Jeff F.         The doctor is in, but he doesn't want to see any more
                sick little twerps today. Go away.
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 18:43:59 PST
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  3.I     A collection of clean humor gathered on: 20 Oct 88

Alone, adj.:
        In bad company.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.

Always remember some people are more human.

Always try to do things in chronological order;
it's less confusing that way.

A man's home is his hassle.

A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted

America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one
dollar, and use it up in two weeks.

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
                -- John O'Hara

America's best buy for a dime is a telephone call to the right person.

Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
people refuse to see it.
                -- James Michener, "Space"

An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
really care to know.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
                -- A. P. Herbert

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
                -- Herbert Prochnow

A conclusion is often simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

Actor:  "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
        everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford: "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!"

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
                -- Winston Churchill

A fool must now and then be right by chance.

A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think
aloud.
                                --- Emerson

A hypothetical paradox:
        What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
        team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
        Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
                -- Tom Galloway

A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a
communist
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 22:51:54 EST
From:         Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      HUMOR: 3 Born Losers <from the cartoons>

The Born Loser is an American comic strip written and draw by Art &
Chip Sansom.

Thornapple, the born loser, is playing golf with his boss. He asks
himself, "What is the definition of a good loser?"
Answer: "A person who's playing golf with his boss!"

Wilberforce Thornapple is practicing badly his piano lessons. The born
loser call out:
"It doesn't sound as if you've been practicing as much as you should,
young man! When Mozart was you age he was already composing!"
Wilberforce: "Yeah and when he was your age, he was already decomposing!"

Poll question: Which our country's resources are we most in danger of
exhausting?
Thornapple's answer: "Its taxpayers!"
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 21:49:06 -0600
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 2/1/94

---> February 1, 1994 <---
=================================================
Top Ten Ways $10 Million Will Change The Slivniks
=================================================

10. No more generic toilet paper...it's Charmin time!
 9. MasterCard will raise their credit limit from $2,000 to "Go nuts,
    Chester!"
 8. Can take a real cruise instead of that one with Kathie Lee
 7. You know eggs?  Those round, white things you have for breakfast?  Well,
    my friends, get used to calling them "Slivniks"
 6. Can now afford to buy President Clinton lots of french fries
    (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries
    spinning around to the music from the film "2001")
 5. Future junk mail from Publishers Clearing House will read, "You may have
    already won another ten million dollars!"
 4. Every evening, a fresh case of Colt .45 will be delivered to their
doorstep
    by Mr. Billy Dee Williams
 3. All the wheat they can eat!
    (Dave showed off his record collection, and one song was from an album
    named Number One Hard from the Canada Grain Industry.  This song was
    dedicated to wheat, with the following lyrics:  Wheat, wheat, wheat,
    wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, makes your life complete!)
 2. Can hire guy to take out granddaughter's figure skating rival
 1. Mr. Slivnik has a shot at Marla Maples
=========================================================================

------------------------------

Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 23:45:42 EST
From:         Nic van der Vyver <zawlhc9h@IBMMAIL.COM>
Subject:      RISQUE (could be offensive to Catholics, deaf people)

A nun was told that she was to be transferred to the Bahamas.
She rushed to her great friend of many years, another nun, but
the latter quite deaf.

1st nun : "I have been transferred to the Bahamas!"
2nd nun (cupping ears): "Whaat?"
1st nun : "I SAID I HAVE BEEN TRANSFERRED TO THE BAHAMAS!!"
2nd nun : "Whaaat?"
1st nun : "THE   BAHAMAS!  I HAVE BEEN TRANSFERRED TO THE BAHAMAS!"
           (and making appropriate length and size gestures with hands...)
          "WHERE THEY HAVE THE HU-U-U-GE BANANAS AND THE BIIIIG COCONUTS!"
2nd nun : "Father Whooo?"

=========================================================================

------------------------------