From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Mar 1994 There are 25 messages totalling 835 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. joke 2. Isms 3. a little divorce humor 4. Wright/Caveman/Religion Def's (Adult Language) 5. Bobbit warnings (may be uncomfortable to men) 6. Re: Finals 7. Re: Wright/Caveman/Religion Def's (Adult Language) 8. HUMOR: red riding hood (offensive to wolves, some language) 9. 50 Fun Things To Do At a Final Exam That Does Not Matter (Volume 2 of 2) 10. NO MORE MR.NICESHOES Pt. 1 11. WHAT TO DO THE ONE HOUR & 55 MINUTES (OFFENSIVE TO SOME) 12. joke 13. Whatch what you wish for, you might get it(religion bashing) 14. Religion - mild 15. HUMOR: (offensive to lesbians and dinosaurs) 16. Results of the Mayoral Race in Tulsa Oklahoma and a Joke (o 17. Top Ten List for 2/28/94 18. Life 3.N A collection of clean humor gathered on: 1 Nov 88 20 19. Another Rel. Def. (variation) 20. more sh*t stuff... 21. jesus! jesus! jesus!-- offensive to some 22. Religionism Annoying to those who don't read their daily mail 23. Fundamentalism 24. Non-religious isms 25. Chastity belt ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 07:23:50 EST From: Matt Hamlyn Subject: joke Hey All, Picked this up of the Benny Hill Show... ADAM and Eve in the garden of eden, were all so happy and jolly. I wonder how happy they'd been, If all the leaves had been holly? Mattt WILDCAT DOMINATION ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 13:03:23 +0000 From: "A.S. Frieze" Subject: Isms Antisemitism - We are shit Facism - We are completely shit Dogmatism - A whole lot of shit Zionism - Shit happens everywhere but Israel Extremism - Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Optimism - This shit smells so fresh Pessimism - I don't think I will be shitting solid Jism - ??? ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 09:09:14 EST From: Bill Subject: a little divorce humor Wife: I can't stand him for one more minute! If I don't do something soon, I will go insane. He gets drunk, spends all our money on horses and other women, and if he comes home at all, it's just to change his clothes. Lawyer: Well, madam, it certainly looks as though you have grounds for divorce. Wife: Divorce! I should say not! I've lived with that bum for thirty years, and *now* I should make him happy. I got that one from a George Jessel jokebook. :-) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 09:38:09 CST From: Chris DOERFLER Subject: Wright/Caveman/Religion Def's (Adult Language) Steven Wright: Wouldn't it be nice if ignorance was painful. ________ This was more relevent when I made it up a decade ago: Heard about the new detective show staring a cave man? It's called CroMagnum P.I. ________ AGNOSTICISM: I don't think I believe shit happens, but I'm hedging my bets. BRANCH DAVIDIANISM: Does Shit Burn? HEDONISM: Where's the shit happening? ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 10:08:31 -0600 From: Dave Kinsey Subject: Bobbit warnings (may be uncomfortable to men) > Subject: Humor: Adultery > > A dude came home from work and caught his wife balling the next-door > neighbor. > > He got his gun and forced the neighbor into the garage, stark naked, > where he put the neighbor's cock in the vise. He welded the vise > shut and then started sharpening a knife. > > "My God," the neighbor said, "you're not going to cut my dick off, > are ya?" > > > "No," the dude answered, "YOU are going to cut your dick off. I'M > just gonna set this place on fire." I really didn't want to read this, but I had no warning. It made me squirm and feel very uncomfortable. What's more, the humor of this was lost on me. I understand why it was supposed to be funny, and I would expect some to laugh at it, but I didn't. There are very few things that I would choose not to read, but I know that there are other men (not all) that feel the same way about this particular subject. Had it had a Bobbit warning, I would have just ignored it. I stopped reading those a while ago. By the way, Lorena Bobbit attacked her husband in a premeditated malicious act as he slept, was acquitted of all charges, and was just released from a mental hospital after she was evaluated not a threat to herself or others. She's off scott free. Pretty funny, huh? Hey, I may not have all the facts, and I was not a member of the jury, but IMHO that's just hilarious... A proud moment for our justice system... ha... ha... ha... my joke for the day. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 11:44:58 -0500 From: Jerry Carson Subject: Re: Finals I attended my college Abnormal Psychology final wearing a clown costume. Halfway into the exam a small alarm clock (in my pocket) went off. I put my exam aside, and produced from my many pockets and hiding places a small lunch, consisting of a sandwich, chips and juice. After a lesuirely lunch, I rested a few minutes before returning to the exam. I got an A. Jerry .sig lost in nostalgia for the "good old days" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 08:51:01 -0800 From: "Theodore M. Seeber" Subject: Re: Wright/Caveman/Religion Def's (Adult Language) From: Ted Seeber, aka Marxist Hacker MKJ BBS (503) 882-2671 10pm-6am seebert@seq.oit.osshe.edu On Tue, 1 Mar 1994, Chris DOERFLER wrote: > ___________________________________________________ > > AGNOSTICISM: I don't think I believe shit happens, but I'm hedging my bets. > BRANCH DAVIDIANISM: Does Shit Burn? > HEDONISM: Where's the shit happening? > I'll add a few to this list: RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD Taoism: Shit Happens. Hare Krishna: Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Ding. Hinduism: This Shit Happened Before. Islam: If Shit Happens, Take A Hostage. Zen: What Is The Sound Of Shit Happening Buddhism: When Shit Happens, Is It Really Shit? Confucianism: Confucius Say,"Shit Happens." 7th Day Adventist: Shit Happens On Saturdays. Protestantism: Shit Won't Happen If I Work Harder. Catholicism: If Shit Happens, I Deserve It. Jehovah's Witness: Knock, Knock, "Shit Happens." Unitarian: What Is This Shit? Mormon: Shit Happens Again & Again & Again. Judaism: Why Does This Shit Always Happen To Me? Rasterfarianism: Let's Smoke This Shit. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 11:20:24 -0500 From: George Lynch Subject: HUMOR: red riding hood (offensive to wolves, some language) Little Red Riding Hood wanted to take some goodies to her sick grandmother who lived across the forest. As she packed up her basket, her mother warned, "Little Red Riding Hood, be careful. Remember there are wolves in the forest!" "Oh Mother, I'll be careful," replied Little Red Riding Hood as she went out the door. Sure enough, Little Red Riding Hood had not gone very far into the forest when a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree. The wolf licked his lips and said, "Little Red Riding Hood, I'm gonna sodomize you like you've never been sodomized before. I'm gonna put it in your ass; I'm gonna put it in your mouth; I'm even gonna put it in your ear!" At that, Little Red Riding Hood pulled a .45 out of her basket, pointed it at the wolf, and calmly said, "Oh no you're not. You're going to eat me, just like the story says." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 12:29:26 -0500 From: Subject: 50 Fun Things To Do At a Final Exam That Does Not Matter (Volume 2 of 2) Here's the rest of the list for you. I hope you all enjoy(ed) it... -Ogey James Madison University stu_mlogilvi@vax1.acs.jmu.edu "Make a hole with a gun perpendicular, to the name of this town in a desktop globe, exit wound in a foreign nation, showing the home of the one this was written for, ANA NG..." ****************************************************************************** 50 FUN THINGS TO DO IN A FINAL THAT DOES NOT MATTER (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of Our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets TO ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...like history notes for a calculus exam...otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so." 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor __________ Sucks." (Written by Jeremy Toeman) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 12:41:14 -0400 From: "ANDREW PERKINS / MEDICINE WHEEL, Subject: NO MORE MR.NICESHOES Pt. 1 Alright, you little sparrowfart, you don't tell me there's a dead bishop on the landing in THAT tone of voice. You know, if I'da used that kind of language when I was your age, my mother's boyfriend would've DON'T YOU roll your eyes at ME <*smack*> - I'm sorry, am I on ? (You emote: Andrew shakes his head sadly.) (Tammy Faye exclaims: ...and I opened my eyes and looked at the prison ceiling and friends, the patterns of the bars in the window in the moonlight began to sway and swirl, yes friends, they did, and they just swirled and swayed and they coalesced into a face and I said Oh Lord give me STRENGTH and that face was an evil, evil grinning man with a pipe and then it began to swirl again and there was a sound like "doodly doodly doodly" and I saw the form of a thin grey man and a line of young people in front of him and he was dropping this evil, evil purple liquid into their mouths with an eyedropper and muttering "The future of conciousness expansion will be virtual, mark my words," and I raised up my hands and I cried "Demonic ConSpiroAgnews, I rebuke you !" Christ on a popsickle stick, I'm tellin ya, NO MORE toothpaste prison smack for ME !! I'm going back to smoking peanut skins. ) >>>That reply sucked. >>That sucked. >This is not a reply. This post did suck. > > -BTB CB CBB SunTzu KooKooGaChoob > "I want to fly to satori and you give me the bus to amnesia. Well, tabula > mensa is a good place to start, anyway." -Some Author, "A Book or Something" Hey, don't flame ME, man - just because you get a ripple in your little dreamworld doesn't give you the right to sew your own buttcrack together with strips of rawhide just to get attention, you snow-white pork-snortin' six-toed color-contact-wearin' fraternity-hobnobbin' breath-smell-like-goat-cheese edge- speed-freakin' pan-fried passive/agressive ThyberPuck ! Say hi to Donna. All the best, Andrew (BTB CB CBB SunTzu Dr. Sludge), High Holy Dada Priest (shoop shoop), Rev. Oscar B. Strangepolka, Third Church of Rama Llama Ding Dong *** MEDICINE WHEEL - NEW ALBUM COMING IN MAY - CALL FOR BOOKING *** *** (615) 579-1038 or email S_Aperkins@pstcc.cc.tn.us *** ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 13:19:12 EST From: Jon Back Subject: WHAT TO DO THE ONE HOUR & 55 MINUTES (OFFENSIVE TO SOME) Subject: WHAT TO DO THE ONE HOUR & 55 MINUTES (OFFENSIVE TO SOME) Recent newspaper articles are touting a new treatment for impotence. The treatment consists of injecting a drug into the base of the penis with a small "painless" needle, almost guaranteeing an erection of massive proportion ("The best ever in my life" says Joe F. Lacid). Not content to just be big, it will last for TWO WHOLE HOURS. Now, my question is, WHAT WILL I DO FOR FOLLOWING HOUR & 55 MINUTES?????? Here are some suggestions: 1. Use it as a lightning rod 2. Set it up as a weather vane 3. Try it as a swizzle stick (not a coffee stirrer) 4. Play Tether Ball 5. Use it as a fishing pole 6. Be patriotic - use it as a Flag Pole 7. Its a handy coat rack 8. With an appropriate partner, its a Jousting Lance 9. Play pool with your custom Cue Stick 10. Star Wars Light Sabre 11. A Flight Simulator Joy Stick 12. Drive around, use it as you Shift Lever 13. Summer Olympics - try the Pole Vault 14. Your own Karaoke Microphone 15. Its a Magic Wand - wave it at someone 16. Play Ball - Its a Fungo Bat and 17. It can be your kitty's new scratching post ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 10:42:10 PT From: Chad Ellison Subject: joke Hey all, A grasshopper walks into a bar, and sit near the bartender. The bartender looks over and says " hey we have a drink named after you", the grasshopper looks puzzled and replies "you have a drink called Steve??" I know it's bad but it's an old favorite of mine. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 14:06:21 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: Whatch what you wish for, you might get it(religion bashing) THE LIST AS OF 14:00 3/1/94 - LETS MAKE SURE NO ONE FEELS LEFT OUT! RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD TAOISM: SHIT HAPPENS. HARE KRISHNA: SHIT HAPPENS RAMA LAMA DING DONG. HINDUISM: THIS SHIT HAPPENED BEFORE. ISLAM: IF SHIT HAPPENS, TAKE A HOSTAGE. ZEN: WHAT IS THE SOUND OF SHIT HAPPENING. BUDDHISM: WHEN SHIT HAPPENS, IS IT REALLY SHIT? CONFUCIANISM: CONFUCIUS SAY, "SHIT HAPPENS." 7TH DAY ADVENTIST: SHIT HAPPENS ON SATURDAYS. PROTESTANTISM: SHIT WON'T HAPPEN IF I WORK HARDER. CATHOLICISM: IF SHIT HAPPENS, I DESERVE IT. STOICISM: IF SHIT HAPPENS I CAN TAKE IT. NIHILISM: WHO GIVES A SHIT IF SHIT HAPPENS. JEHOVAH'S WITNESS: KNOCK, KNOCK, "SHIT HAPPENS". UNITARIAN: WHAT IS THIS SHIT. FATALISM: SHIT'S GONNA HAPPEN NO MATTER WHAT. AGNOSTICISM: IF SHIT HAPPENS SHOW ME. -OR- I DON'T THINK SHIT HAPPENS, BUT I'M WILLING TO LISTEN. MORMONISM: SHIT HAPPENS AGAIN & AGAIN & AGAIN. TELEVANGELISM: SEND MONEY OR SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU! JUDAISM: WHY DOES THIS SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME. (SEE TELEVANGELISM) ATHEISM: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT IS HAPPENING. REINCARNATIONISM: THIS SHIT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED AND WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. DRUIDISM: SHIT HAPPENS IN THE WOODS. WICKEN: LET'S WHORSHIP THIS SHIT. (FEMALE BASED-MOTHER EARTH/NATURE) RASTAFARIANISM: LET'S SMOKE DIS' SHIT MON! BRANCH DAVIDIAN: WHEN SHIT HAPPENS, IT BURNS. HEDONISM: WHERE IS THE SHIT HAPPENING. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- John Stone - jstone@letterkenn-emh2.army.mil - IT'S O.K., I DO IT AT LUNCH. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 14:10:26 -0600 From: NAME Subject: Religion - mild This is about the same vintage as the WC story. Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish. When he asked for suggestions about how he might raise money for his church, he was advised that a man with a horse is never out of money. So he went to a horse auction. He did not, however, make a good buy; the horse he bought was a donkey. Nevertheless, he decided to enter the donkey in a race. The donkey came in third, and the headlines next day read, "Father murphy's Ass Shows" The Archbishop saw the paper and was greatly displeased. In the next race, the donkey came in first. The headlines read, "Father Murphy's Ass Out Front" The Archbishop was even more upset. Again Father Murphy entered the donkey in a race. This time he came in second, and the headlines read, "Father Murphy's Ass Back in Place." The Archbishop said this is just too much and told Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. When he was unable to sell it, he gave it to Sister Agatha to dispose of at once. Sister Agatha was able to sell the donkey for $10.00. And the next day, the headlines read, "Sister Agatha peddles Her Ass for $10.00!" They buried the Archbishop three days later. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 16:04:56 -0500 From: George Lynch Subject: HUMOR: (offensive to lesbians and dinosaurs) Q: what do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A: lickalotpus ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 16:54:50 -0500 From: Pamela Tyler Subject: Results of the Mayoral Race in Tulsa Oklahoma and a Joke (o Date: 01 Mar 94 15:49:46 UTC From: To: Subject: Uncl: Results of the Mayoral Race in Tulsa Oklahoma and a Joke (o ve to lepers!) I want to thank everyone who responded to the results of the mayoral race here in Tulsa between incumbent Susan SAVAGE and candidate Bob DICK! Well, the final tally is Savage - 8 Dick - 7 I had one who said vote for me, and another who said to write in Mr. Ed! (sounds good) Well, the election was today. The final tallies will be in tonite so you will get official results tomorrow! Thanks. Hey, I have a good joke for you. Joke: What do you call a leper in a hot tub? A: Soup! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 16:43:22 -0600 From: "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" Subject: Top Ten List for 2/28/94 ---> February 28, 1994 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Signs Your CIA Colleague May Be A Russian Spy ===================================================== 10. Knows hundreds of recipes for turnips 9. Took sick day to tape "Maury Povich Show" when topic was 'I married a Russian Spy' 8. Drinks Russian dressing like it's soda pop 7. At annual CIA/KGB softball game, always seems to make error that loses game for CIA 6. Keeps frozen corpse of Lenin displayed on desk 5. Takes a lot of "souvenir photos" of classified documents 4. When Bruce Springsteen comes on the radio, he says, "Comrade Boss is good, no?" 3. Always bragging about the time he nailed Mrs. Yeltsin 2. Wears one of them big-ass fuzzy hats 1. Everywhere you look: Borscht! Brian Peek peekb@gar.union.edu Owner of Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 16:39:54 PST From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 3.N A collection of clean humor gathered on: 1 Nov 88 20 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the light more." Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. -- Abraham Lincoln Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" Never trust anyone who volunteers to assume authority. Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. -- F. J. Raymond No matter what other nations may say about the United States, immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. Oh, what tangled webs we weave When we first practice to deceive. -- Sir Walter Scott One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. -- Will Durant One seldom sees a monument to a committee. Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income. Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Parkinson's Law of Committees: The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Parkinson's XIIIth law: Action expands to fill the void created by human failure. Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart. -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 17:01:32 -0800 From: Tom Welbers Subject: Another Rel. Def. (variation) Televangelism: call 1-800-shit-happens ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 20:54:30 -0500 From: Elizabeth Bolyard Subject: more sh*t stuff... subjective i feel for your shit happening objective it is logical that shit happens pharisee shit only happens to bad people physicist calculates the velocity of shit happening news reporter wants a scoop on the shit happening fundamentalist you deserve the shit that happens to you the i.r.s. "are you paying taxes on your shit?" self-pity-er "you ain't seen anything until you have seen MY shit" optimist this shit could happen worse pessimist this shit will happen worse *** liz bolyard bolyar_e@denison *** ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 21:09:30 EST From: STCS000 Subject: jesus! jesus! jesus!-- offensive to some the three wise men were laying the gifts down before the christ child. the first one kneeled down and lay the gold at the foot of the manger. the second one kneeled and lay the frankensence(?) at the foot of the manger. the third kneeled and lay the myrrh(?) at the foot of the manger, and as he was standing up, hit his head on a low beam acting as a rafter in the stable. "jesus christ!" he exclaimed rubbing his head. mary turned toward joseph and said, "y'know, that's a better name than howard" yuk yuk, big mike p.s. of course howard is the middle name of jesus h. christ, as in "our father, who art in heaven, howard be thy name" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 21:28:10 EST From: Tom Murray Subject: Religionism Annoying to those who don't read their daily mail Warning: Fundamentally annoying to those who don't bother to read up on what has been posted before. Contains naughty language and a liberal dose of sarcasm. Redundantism: the same shit keeps getting mailed over and over... Sarcism: if the same shit keeps mailed over and over you're \ bound to hear about it sarcastically. :] I know that's not how you spell it, I'm just keeping with the wit. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 18:42:52 -0800 From: Tom Welbers Subject: Fundamentalism Fundamentalism: Shit happens, I believe it, that settles it. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 22:54:07 -0500 From: Pauline Pantel <$PANTELPM@BRANDONU.CA> Subject: Non-religious isms Here are a few interesting views on politics: Communisim: If you have two cows you give both cows to the government, and then the government sells you some of the milk. Socialism: If you have two cows, you give both cows to the government and then the government gives you some of the milk. Fascism: If you have two cows, you milk both of them and give the government half of the milk. Nazism: If you have two cows, the government shoots you and takes both cows. New Dealism:If you have two cows, you kill one, milk the other, and pour the milk down the drain. Capitalism: If you have two cows, you sell one cow and buy a bull. Sherianne & Pauline c/o $pantelpm@brandonu.ca ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 23:30:16 PST From: Karen Friesen Subject: Chastity belt Moskowitz entered the office of his partner, Finkelstein, just as the latter was putting a little gold key in his private safe. "What's this?" demanded Moskowitz, all curiosity. "What is that key?" Finkelstein blushed. "Moskowitz," he said, "it's embarrassing, to explain, but between partners there should be no secrets. This is the key to my wife's chastity belt." Moskowitz was thunderstruck. "Finkelstein, with all due respect, why does your wife need a chastity belt? She's a fine woman, and a good, loyal wife, but--how can I say it?--with her looks, may good luck befall her, she doesn't need a chastity belt." "I know, I know. With her looks do you think *I* enjoy making love to her? So this way when I come home and she says, 'Tonight, darling, how about it?' I can always answer, 'I'm so sorry, darling. I left the key at the office.'" -- Karen Friesen uj349@freenet.victoria.bc.ca Victoria BC ao766@freenet.carleton.ca ========================================================================= ------------------------------