From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Mar 1994 There are 37 messages totalling 1001 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. another ism 2. Laughter is really the best medicine 3. Addr: 2 jokes, both clean 4. Re: joke and request 5. WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY (fwd) 6. Shipwrecked ! 7. Place names (was Quals, and parents to China) 8. Cryonics--is it a religion? 9. Quakerism 10. Jesus (again) 11. some more Steven Wright 12. Another Punny Joke 13. Uncl: Joke (offensive to Martin L. King and David Koresh) 14. Inquiry? 15. TERMITE. (IT'S SAFE TO READ) 16. good, clean pun 17. Catholics may not enjoy-rated PG-13 18. Architects 19. Offensive to gay/lesbians - mildly offensive language 20. Re: Lights Out 21. Yet More -isms (sigh). 22. request & dumb joke 23. Racy Joke -- General Comment 24. isms of religions 25. safe hardware jokes 26. offensive language 27. Re: Racy Joke -- General Comment 28. Re: INSURANCE COMEDY 29. Life 3.O A collection of clean humor gathered on: 1 Nov 88 30. steven Wright Joke 31. Funny news article - true! 32. Top Ten List for 3/1/94 33. Architects 34. More insurance comedy 35. Amishism 36. Humor: contradictory words 37. WS Gilbert ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 02:45:50 CST From: David Christian Subject: another ism Psychoanalysism: So, tell me about the shit that happened to your mother. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 07:08:00 EDT From: "Tom Ohlendorf Subject: Laughter is really the best medicine STEVEN WRIGHT "I joined this new contest. Its called the stranger contest. You buy this card with a number on it and walk up to any stranger and rub a penny on his forehead. If the number underneath matches your card, you win $100... I've won twice... I've been beat up 11 times." I also heard this one on the radio. I don't know the comedian's name. "Laughter is the only emotion that can get you arrested. Stand on a corner and cry your eyes out for an hour and people will leave you alone. But, stand on a corner and laugh for twenty minutes and they will take you away." I hope you enjoyed these quotes. They got me rolling. - Tom ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 08:57:43 EST From: "Kevin R. Cain" Subject: Addr: 2 jokes, both clean FROM: Kevin R. Cain A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the terrorists issued their press release, they said that until their demands are met, they would release one lawyer every hour. I suppose you heard that Snow White got expelled from the Magic Kingdom. Seems she was caught feeling Goofy and sitting on Pinnochio's face screaming, "lie to me, tell the truth, lie to me, tell the truth, lie to me....." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 08:54:00 EST From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: Re: joke and request >A grasshopper walks into a bar,... *DING!* (a little light goes on above oxo's head) this old termite with no teeth walks into a bar and hollers at everyone, "hey! where's the bartender?" :) be seeing you, oxo ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 09:49:32 -0700 From: patou Subject: WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY (fwd) > > WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY > > I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday > and thought, Another year older, but decided to make the best of it. > So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast, my wife > would greet me with a big kiss and say "Happy Birthday, dear". > All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the > newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of > coffee and thought to myself, oh well, she just forgot. The kids will be > in in a few minutes all cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have > a nice gift for me. > There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came > running in yelling "Give me a slice of toast!", "I'm late!", and "Where is > my coat?!", "I'm going to miss the bus!!". Feeling more for the office... > When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a nice > smile and a "Happy Birthday, boss", and said "I'll get you some coffee." > Her remembering made me feel a lot better. > Later in the morning my secretary knocked on my office door and said > "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together." Thinking it > would make me feel better, I said that was a good idea. > So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday, I said "Why > don't we drive out of town and have off going to the usual place". So we > drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way place and had a > couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when > my secretary said "Why don't we go by my place and I'll fix you another > martini". It sounded like a good idea since we didn't have anything to > do in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed us > both a martini and after a while she said "If you'll excuse me, I think I > will slip into something more comfortable" and she left the room. > In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big > birthday cake. Following her was my wife and all my kids and there I sat > with nothing on but my socks. > > ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 14:08:29 +0000 From: Pankaj Gupta Subject: Shipwrecked ! The storm had taken a turn from bad to worse. And the ship which had been fighting the waves had to finally give in. The only survivors of the shipwreck were 6 women and 1 man. They were lucky enough to be washed ashore a nearby island. The island, unfortunately had no other inhabitants. Apart from food and water, sex was also an issue. And it was decided that the man would be shared. Each woman would be given one day of the week and Sunday would be an off for the man, so that he could rest. Each week day turned out to be nightmare for the man as the women made the best of the little time given. Many months passed and the man soon became tired of the whole thing. But he had no way out. One day, to the man's delight, a boat with a person in it was spotted far out in the sea. Now his 'workload' would be shared and he could have more days off. He waved desperately to the approaching boat. As the boat came closer, the man suddenly fell to his knees and cried, "OH SHIT ! There go my Sundays !!". Pankaj (P.S.GUPTA@BRA0801.WINS.ICL.CO.UK) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 09:06:59 -0600 From: Ian Chai Subject: Place names (was Quals, and parents to China) [Note to folks not in from the start of this conversation: I told Frank that my parents are seriously considering moving from Malaysia to China for a few years in order to be one of the hordes of Missionaries for Capitalism now converting China to a market economy (ie. he's gonna "do business"). Frank, who is in Japan, asked me where Wuhan is (the city where the business would be located) as he only knows them by the Japanese names, and I told him its geographical location, on the Yangtzee river a.k.a. Chang Chiang "The Long River"...] Frank Sheeran said: >As a side note, I was really disappointed when I found out how boring >most Chinese region names are. Mountain-west, Mountain-east, that >kind of stuff. (Japanese regions are pretty stupid too - the four >island s are FourCountries, NineStates, OriginalState, and >NorthSeaWay. The three biggest cities are called EastCapital, >Capital, and BigSlope.(Osaka.) But almost all of the prefectures and >cities have pretty meanings in transaltion, like AutumnLeafSpring, >PineTreeBay.... heheh... then there's Kuala Lumpur: "Muddy river-mouth". A lot of state capitals in Malaysia ("Malay islands") are of the form "XXX river-mouth" where XXX would be the name of the major river *and* the state. (ie. Kuala XXX.) Then there's the capital of Sabah ("Similar/Alike/Vague/Unclear" according to the dictionary), Kota Kinabalu: "The City of the Chinese Widow"... (actually, "The City of Kinabalu" where Kinabalu is the tallest mountain in the archipelego outside of Irian Jaya/New Gunea -- the legend about the Chinese widow actually is associated with the mountain, not the city.) The capital of Sarawak is Kuching -- "cat" in Malay, but histories I've read say that it is not a Malay name and so actually doesn't mean "cat" but we've always had fun calling it "cat" 8-) My granny lives in Taiping -- "Peace". It was the Geneva Convention of some major Chinese gangs back during colonial times. (Taiping is a Chinese town and thus it's "peace" in Chinese and not Malay.) Then there's Negri Sembilan (a state): "State 9". Singapore is "Fake lion" if you interpret it in Malay -- and follow the Malay version of the legend -- or "Lion City" if you interpret it in Sanskrit and follow the other version of the story. ("Singa-pura") Bangkok's real name is Krung Tehp. Actually, that's the *short* form of the name -- Thai people have told me that it's always "Krung Tehp etc. etc." with *2* etc's because the real name goes on and on... it means "City of Angels etc.etc." just like Los Angeles -- I went to the center of the old Los Angeles mission and looked at the inscription of LA's original name and *that* goes on and on, too. Then of course there's Glenn's interpretation of KL: "Koala Lumper". Visions of this big mean machine that grabs koalas out of eucyliptus trees and stuffs them into a hay-baler-like device. Ian ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 08:29:14 -0800 From: Tom Welbers Subject: Cryonics--is it a religion? This morning's LA Times' View Section has a feature article of "Alcor Life Extension Foundation, the world's leading cryonics company"moving fro Riverside, CA, to Arizona because Arizona hasn't had a big earthquake (recently). Frankly, it seems to me that paying megabucks to have your body frozen in hopes that future technology will restore you -- or even consider you *worth* restoring, meets the criteria of a bonafide religion: believing that a human institution, any human institution, will keep its contract when neither you nor anybody who give a damn about you is left to sue them if they don't, takes more *blind faith* than any belief in the Transcendent--any transcendent! Not to mention . . . can you really trust them to keep the nitrogen liquid? Anyway, these ramblings give rise to another religion for the list: Cryonics: Shit freezes. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 11:50:32 GMT From: jim davis Subject: Quakerism Quakerism: Shit. Humanitarianism: We've got plenty of shit. Have some of ours. Trickle-down-Economics-ism: Diarreha ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 12:01:50 EST From: Shannon Cullen Subject: Jesus (again) Jesus and Moses were walking along the beach. Moses says to Jesus, Ya know, I parted the Red Sea. I'll bet you I can do it again. Jesus replys You're on. So Moses (I hope it was Moses) parts the sea. Jesus was very impressed, and says 'You know, I walked on water.' 'I'll bet I can do it again." So Jesus steps out onto the water and sinks. He comes back to land and says 'I don't know what went wrong. I did it before' Moses replys 'Yeah. But you didn't have holes in your feet last time!' ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 12:06:27 EST From: RiffRaff Subject: some more Steven Wright I came home the other day to discover that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica! I couldn't believe it! I said to my friend, "Look at this, it's all an exact replica - what do you think?" He said "Do I know you?" I have the oldest typewriter in the world... it writes in pencil. I got contacts, but I only need them when I read, so I got flip-ups. I have a box of telephone rings, so whenever I get lonely, I open the box just a little and I get a call. The other day I dropped the box, and the phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to have it disconnected. Then I bought another phone, but I didn't have much money, so I bought an irregular phone ..it has no 5. I ran into a friend on the street, he said "Why don't you ever call me anymore?" I answered "I can't call everyone I want, my phone has no 5." He said "That's really weird. How long have you had it?" I said "I don't know, my calendar has no sevens." I was on the elevator the other day, and a guy got on. I was near the buttons, so I asked him where he was going. He answered "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. The doors opened, and two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in the middle of downtown Phoenix. I said "You know, you're the kind of guy I'd really like to hang around with." He said "Well, why don't you come with me out to my place in the middle of the desert." We got in his car and drove off. On the way, he told me that all his life he'd been working for the government, trying to find out who financed the pyramids. Finally, he told them he was pretty sure it was a guy named 'Eddie'. We arrived at his place out in the middle of the desert, and the phone rang. He said "You get it." So, I picked up the phone and said "Hello?" "Hello, is this Steven Wright?" I answered "Yes." "This is Mr. Haines, the student loan director from your bank. You've missed your last ten payments, and in fact we discovered that the institution you claimed to have attended never recieved any of the twenty thousand dollars we loaned you. I'd like to know what you did with the money." I said "Well, Mr. Haines, I'm not going to lie to you. I gave the money to my friend Jiggs Casey, and he built a nuclear weapon with it. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't call me again." --Riff ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 12:08:42 -0500 From: "SHARON M. MORRELL" Subject: Another Punny Joke Hi! I tried sending this earlier this week but never saw it posted. If y'all got it, and I just missed it, sorry for all the clutter! :) There once was this island that was inhabited by a race of people known as Twids. This island's main feature was a mountain, which covered most of the center of the island. However, on this mountain lived an evil ogre who would not let the Twids climb his mountain. Every time they tried, he would kick them off the mountain. One day a rabbi came to visit the island, and noticed that the population of the Twids was dwindling. He asked the people what was happening, and when they told him, he decided to have a chat with the ogre. Climbing successfully to the top of the mountain, the rabbi confronted the ogre. "Why did you let me climb to the top, but not the Twids?" The ogre replied: "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Twids!" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 12:09:24 -0500 From: Pamela Tyler Subject: Uncl: Joke (offensive to Martin L. King and David Koresh) Q: What do Martin Luther King Jr, and David Koresh have in common? A: They're both black now! *laugh* ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 12:47:51 -0400 From: "Cannon, Heather" Subject: Inquiry? I know this is totally of the subject... but is anyone out there an Architect? I need to talk to one. So if yu are, or know one that might be willing to lend an ear, please respond. Thanks in adance!! :) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 13:03:34 -0500 From: JEAN-PIERRE LEBEL Subject: TERMITE. (IT'S SAFE TO READ) A TERMITE WALKS INTO A BAR AND SAYS, "EXCUSE ME, IS THE BAR TENDER HERE?" YEAH, IT'S A GROANER... ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 13:47:03 EST From: STCS000 Subject: good, clean pun ernie got him a job driving a bus on sesame street and he hoped to make some new friends as well. at the first stop, he picked up two abundantly large women. he asked their names and learned that not just one, but both are named pattie. at the next stop there was a kid in a wheelchair. "whhat's your name?" ernie asked. "josh," the kid told him, "but my friends call me special josh." at the next stop, ernie picked up a man who had been running. ernie inquired about this man and found that his name was larry speed. he was a runner, but he had to stop because his bunyons were hurting him. he sat down on the bus and started scratching at his bunyons. when ernie got home, burt asked who he had met and ernie replied singing (i'll bet you can see this coming): two obese pattiess, special josh, larry speed, picking bunyons on a sesame street bus. groan, i got a million of 'em, big mike ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 10:56:15 PST From: "Jones, Scott T." Subject: Catholics may not enjoy-rated PG-13 A woman was rushing to her Catholic church one Sunday morning. Having awoken late, she did not realize that the sidewalks were slippery with ice from a late night storm. She went running up the stairs of the church and slipped and fell on the sidewalk and hit her head very hard. She momentarily lost consciousness and, upon her regaining her senses, she saw a large number of people staring at her from the doorway of the church. She turned to a little boy and asked, "Is Mass out?". "No ma'am", the boy replied, "but your hat is on funny." Wokka wokka wokka... Scott Jones ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 14:06:53 -0500 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Architects You know, I've been eagerly waiting for somebody to bring up the topic of architects. Once upon a time I attended the University of Pittsburgh (in Pittsburgh). The main administration building at Pitt was known as --and I'm NOT making this up now, you understand-- The Cathedral of Learning. It was built during the 1930s and has a sort of gothic/art deco style to it. Legend had it that when Frank Loyd Wright saw The Cathedral of Learning he was quite impressed by it. In fact, he said that he would be willing to live in it, just so he didn't have to look at it. Since learning this TRUE story, I have heard that Frank Loyd Wright REALLY said this about some dormitory at MIT! Has anybody else heard another version of this legend? By the way, I really need to speak to a plumber. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 16:11:48 -0500 From: "Bob Hawkey HAWKEYE -- Don't Worry! Be Happy! };^>" Subject: Offensive to gay/lesbians - mildly offensive language Here in Colorado, we have a national park called - Dinosaur National Park, where are located, appropriately enough, hundreds of dinosaur bones and skeletons. Not to long ago, a pair of female dinosaurs were discovered very near this park, in what can only be described as a very strange position. Of course, experts from the Park were called in to identify the dinosaurs. The experts discovered what they came to believe were the very first evidence of lesbian dinosaurs! They named the dinosaurs Lickalotapuss's! In roughly the same area was discovered a grouping of male dinosaurs as well. The same experts were called in to identify them. Feeling that they had uncovered the first gay dinosaur conclave, the experts decided to name them Megasoreasses! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 16:58:49 EST From: Ann Smith Subject: Re: Lights Out I heard the whole "lights out" thing was a big rumor started by a crafty mind with a fax machine. Does anyone else out there have verification of the story. I'm sure Bill, our friendly Humor owner scolded you for not putting bonafide humor on the list. So as to not get a scolding myself, enjoy this piece of obligatory humor: Did you know that the 12 disciples drove a car? The Bible says the met in one accord. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 17:16:07 EST From: dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU Subject: Yet More -isms (sigh). Okay, the gauntlet has been thrown down, so here I go. I apologize if any of these are repetitious. LITERARY CRITICISM: Shit happens textually or metaphorically. ABSENTEEISM: I wasn't here when the shit happened. LIBERALISM: If shit happens, throw money at it (Because it MUST be society's fault). CONSERVATISM: Shit only happens to poor people, so it's no concern of mine. ROMANTICISM: Shit happening is marvelous!!!! PARENTALISM: If you weren't so ungrateful, shit wouldn't happen. REAGAN: Nancy, has shit happened? BUSH: If shit happened, I didn't know anything about it. INDIFFERENTISM: Who gives a shit? REACTIONARYISM: Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Sorry, but at least it's better than some of my puns. (Speaking of which, are lobotomies empty exercises?) The ball's in your court, gang! Rick ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 17:21:12 EST From: Stacy Warnick Subject: request & dumb joke Now for the dumb joke: Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A. "Where's my tractor?" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 17:55:58 EST From: Mitch Krzyzek Subject: Racy Joke -- General Comment Q: What do you call a line of Mexicans in front of a house? A: A spicket fence. TAA-DAA BOOOM! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 18:55:13 EST From: "Green, Kelly" Subject: isms of religions wouldn't Amish-ism be- our sh*t is all natural? ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 18:22:45 -0500 From: Pauline Pantel <$PANTELPM@BRANDONU.CA> Subject: safe hardware jokes We found these while browsing through some old "Coffee Perks" from Regina, Saskatchewan. We thought they were cute. Jimmy and his mother were walking along the street, when Jimmy saw a sign over a plumbing supply store. I It said, "Cast Iron Sinks." "They must think we are really dumb ," said the boy to his mother. "Everyone knows that cast iron won't float." A lady and her niece walked into a hardware store, where the lady bought 50 packages of steel wool. "What on earthis she going to do with all of it?" said the cashier to the niece. The niece smiled as she replied, "She knits sweaters, very scratchy sweaters!" The man in the repair shop said "Here it is Mr. Wilson. Your lawnmower is now in perfect condition . Just one precaution, however, Don't ever lend it to a neighbour." "That's just the trouble, " said Mr. Wilson. "I amthe neighbour." ---Sherianne & Pauline c/o $pantelpm@brandonu.ca ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 17:33:00 MST From: David Trevino Subject: offensive language How do you get a bitch pregnant? -you fuck her! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 16:31:36 -0800 From: "Theodore M. Seeber" Subject: Re: Racy Joke -- General Comment From: Ted Seeber, aka Marxist Hacker MKJ BBS (503) 882-2671 10pm-6am PT seebert@seq.oit.osshe.edu On Wed, 2 Mar 1994, Mitch Krzyzek wrote: > Q: What do you call a line of Mexicans in front of a house? > > A: A spicket fence. > > TAA-DAA BOOOM! > > Comment: What people here find the shit-definitions funny? I have not seen > anything funny about any of them...they just seem really stupid. I *have* > loved all of the other jokes though! > You have to know something about a lot of religions to understand those jokes. Ok, here's another version on the same theme: Software engineers: Shit happens virtually. Ted ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 19:50:00 EST From: FLEMING * JOHN NEIL Subject: Re: INSURANCE COMEDY The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing served to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining. 1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. 3 I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. 4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment. 9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole. 10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. 11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. 13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. 14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. 15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. 16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. 17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull. 18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. 19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. 20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. 21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. 22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs. 23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 17:16:40 PST From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 3.O A collection of clean humor gathered on: 1 Nov 88 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. -- Gypsy Rose Lee Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned. So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. -- Bertrand Russell Sometimes what a person escapes to is worse than what they escapes from. Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. Tax reform means: Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree. -- Russell Long Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. -- J. Finnegan, USC. The attacker must vanquish, the defender need only survive. The beauty of America is that the average person always thinks he is above average. - Sam Levenson The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend. --- Lincoln The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. -- Art Buchwald The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of rise per foot of run. A compromise... The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair trial, not a system to let him get off on technicalities. The Hebrew school teacher asked one of his students if she said prayers before meals. The proud little girl answered, "Oh, not me. I don't have to - my dad's a good cook." The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral crises maintain their neutrality. - Dante The more things change, the more they stay insane. The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their function is to serve as checks upon the state. -- Alan Barth The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Bohr The Peter Principle: People are promoted until they reach their level of incompetence. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. -- Emerson The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone. -Ibsen The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it. The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 20:39:12 -0500 From: "Nigel H. Mendez" Subject: steven Wright Joke Steven Wright joke- I was riding the bus the other day and a blonde Korean sits down next to me. She says that she is a nymphomaniac, but only likes Jewish cowboys. She then asked me my name so of course I said "Bucky Goldstein". It is really funny when steven says it ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 18:51:52 -0800 From: "J.j." Subject: Funny news article - true! MARCH 2, 1994 FAULTY MACHINE ELECTROCUTES COWS MAIDSTONE, ENGLAND--A farmer accidentally electrocuted 46 of his cows with a faulty milking machine yesterday morning. Just eight of William Murdoch's specially bred herd survived when he turned on the electric milking machine, which was attached to the cows' teats. ------ This one is old, but... ------- August 27, 1993 MOM HIRES STRIPPER, LOSES HER SON, 12 ROCKFORD, Ill. -- A woman lost custody of her son and was sentenced to 45 days in jail after admitting she hired a stripper for the boys 12th birthday party. At the March 6 party, the dancer stripped down to a halter and G-string. The mother allowed her son to lick whipped cream off the dancer's breasts, officals said. The state now has legal custody of the boy until he turns 19. ASSOCIATED PRESS ---------------- -- jvarley@netcom.com | San Diego, CA Don't let school get in the way of your education. --------------------------------------------------------------- 00066 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 20:49:08 -0600 From: "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" Subject: Top Ten List for 3/1/94 ---> March 1, 1994 <--- ======================================= Top Ten Things Overheard At The Grammys ======================================= 10. "Flea, Sting. Sting, Flea" 9. "Yes, I was in . Now can I please show you to your seat?" 8. "If I sign up a hundred peop le to do a duet with Sinatra, I win a mini-bike" 7. "Call 9-1-1 -- oh, nevermind, Keith Richards always looks like that" 6. "I believe Cher's new lips are still covered under warranty" 5. "...And now the border collies will herd Aerosmith into a cab" (Dave had a sheep-herder and his dogs on the show. The dogs moved five sheep from the lobby of the theater into a waiting cab.) 4. "Ice Cube, Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf, Ice Cube" 3. "I didn't know Letterman played the fiddle" (Here they showed the now famous clip of a guy that looks like Dave playing the violin and singing "Camptown Races") 2. "Sorry Madonna -- no shirt, no shoes, no service" 1. "Peabo, Picabo. Picabo, Peabo" Brian Peek peekb@gar.union.edu Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 20:51:53 CST From: Ed Johnson Subject: Architects Jim Mica said... >You know, I've been eagerly waiting for somebody to bring up the topic of >architects. > >Once upon a time I attended the University of Pittsburgh (in Pittsburgh). this up now, you understand-- The Cathedral of Learning.... >By the way, I really need to speak to a plumber. Speaking of humor with university buildings, I roared when I heard on Michigan Public Radio that there were lectures on eating disorders to be presented at the Center for Human Growth at Michigan State. And now that you mentioned the need of special trades like plumbing, does anyone have a suggestion on where I can get my Stettson blocked and cleaned? --Ed Johnson University of Alabama ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 22:38:36 -0500 From: "Michael R. Sinisgalli" Subject: More insurance comedy When I read the posting on insurance claims, I couldn't help remember when I took claims for an auto insurance agency. One of the first questions was, "What is the year, make, and model of your vehicle?" I asked the man this question, and he replied, "A 1964 Pea Cup." Not being very experienced in older models of cars, I thought that this was a classic that I had never heard of. Nonetheless, I still needed to know the make of the car. I asked the man again, and he insisted that it was just a "Pea Cup." I apologized for having to ask again, and the man aswered again, but rather annoyed. Then I realized that Mr. Gonzalez was saying, "Pick-up!" with a strong Spanish accent! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 21:56:12 CST From: David Subject: Amishism Hey Kelly, your's could work two ways: Amishism: Our sh*t is natural -or- Ecologyism: Shit happening is natural. -or, another for the Amish... Amishism: This is some horse shit that's happening. Smiles and cheers! David ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 22:57:50 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Humor: contradictory words Words which are their own antonym? A partial list of homographs: aught = all, nothing bill = invoice, money cleave = to separate, to join clip = cut apart, fasten together comprise = contain, compose custom = usual, special dust = to remove, add fine particles fast = rapid, unmoving literally = actually, figuratively model = archetype, copy moot = debatable, academic note = promise to pay, money oversight = care, error peep = look quietly, beep peer = noble, person of equal rank put = lay, throw puzzle = pose problem, solve problem quantum = very small, very large (quantum leap) ravel = entangle, disentangle resign = to quit, to sign up again sanction = to approve of, to punish sanguine = murderous, optimistic scan = to examine closely, to glance at quickly set = fix, flow skin = to cover with, remove outer covering speak = express verbally, express nonverbally stipulate = request explicitly, agree to strike = miss (baseball), hit table = propose [British], set aside temper = calmness, passion trim = cut things off, put things on A very short list of homophones: aural, oral = heard, spoken fiance, fiancee = female betrothed, male betrothed raise, raze = erect, tear down Source: 1989 book _Crazy English_, by Richard Lederer ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 20:11:32 PST From: Karen Friesen Subject: WS Gilbert W S Gilbert wrote a comic opera which he called "Ruddygore". This created a sensation, for the British of the time considered "bloody" to be an unbearably uncouth expression. Since "gore" refers to blood, and since "ruddy" was a well-known euphemism for "bloody", the name of the operetta was equivalent to "bloody-blood" and there were loud protests. Gilbert held firm, but went as far as changing the "y" to "i" and making it "Ruddigore". In the early days of the performance, someone asked Gilbert how "Bloodygore" was getting along. Gilbert's face darkened. "It's 'Ruddigore'". "That's the same thing." "No it isn't", said Gilbert. "If I said I admired your blooming countenance, would that be saying the same as 'I like your bloody cheek'? Well, it's not, and I don't". This and the previous joke I posted are from "Asimov Laughs Again". I can't write this well. -- Karen Friesen uj349@freenet.victoria.bc.ca Victoria BC ao766@freenet.carleton.ca ========================================================================= ------------------------------