From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Apr 1994 There are 8 messages totalling 251 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Riddles for kids of all ages 2. How did you get into your pants?..... 3. off to gays 4. FW: Fresh off the wire 5. Humor: New contributors wanted & 10 new urban legends 6. A mathematician, a chemist, and an engineer.... 7. Life 3.U A collection of clean humor gathered on: 21 Nov 88 8. Math humor: Peter Lax jokes ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 07:36:09 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Riddles for kids of all ages Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a boiled potato? A. It takes longer to mash an elephant. Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a tea bag? A. A tea bag that never forgets. Q. Why do elephants wear suspenders? A. To hold up their elepants. Q. What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A. A mouse on vacation. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 10:03:25 -0400 From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now." Subject: How did you get into your pants?..... A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her. "Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" "Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 09:28:01 PST From: T Cox Subject: off to gays PRESIDENT CLINTON'S QUEEN BERETS Falling fairies from the sky, I broke my nail, Oh I could cry. Don't you like how my tush sways? We are the fags of the queen berets. Bill Clinton's words upon my ears, "You guys have rights, be proud your queer." I once was scared, now I'm OK, Cause I'm a fag in the queen beret. Put silver earclips on my nuts. I love the pain, now spank my butt. The way you walk is awfully cute, I sure would like to pack your chute. This army stuff is awfully slick, Free meals and clothes and lots of dicks. When I retire, I'll still get paid, I thank you Bill from the queen Beret. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 11:09:00 PST From: "Wayland Wasserman (temp)" Subject: FW: Fresh off the wire CHICAGO, Apr 1, 1994 /PRNewswire/ -- Microsoft Corp. and MacDonald Corp. have signed an agreement to engage into a joint marketing campaign to promote the operating system of the future as a broad appeal consumer product along with the Max Mac, an exciting new sandwich being introduced this month. The Max Mac is the ultimate sandwich, containing no less than 4 lean beef patties, a grilled chicken patty, and all the trimmings and flavors that have made the Big Mac the favorite sandwich for countless millions of customers for over 30 years. Starting next week, any purchaser of a Max Mac value meal will be entitled to a free fully functional copy of Windows NT, personal edition. Special packaging for the Max Mac Value Meal includes a box in the shape of a personal computer, with slots for the sandwich, fries, a soft drink, a CD-ROM disk containing a copy of Windows NT Personal Edition, and a packet of antacid. "We're very excited about the potential for this campaign, now that market research has shown that we have gone beyond the original goal of one computer on every desk; it's more like one computer in every kid's room, and we're not talking toys here, we're talking serious machines with the power to run modern operating systems and applications. It is clear that to reach our sales goals for this product we have to go beyond the traditional business customers," said a Microsoft spokesperson. "We are confident that we will see a considerable increase in the traffic into our restaurants as soon as the word gets out," said a visibly elated MacDonald's spokesperson. "Besides, we can now blame any bugs in our products on the other guy". ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 15:14:17 EST From: Bill Subject: Humor: New contributors wanted & 10 new urban legends After coming home from Mexico with 1700 messages waiting, I pleased to report that I am ready to receive new request for HUMOR contributor status. If I haven't responded to an old request, it is probably lost and you will need to file a new request. In your message, all you need to say is something like: Send me the application information for contributor status. I'll send you a questionnaire in one file and the answers in another file. You will respond to the seven items in the questionnaire and return your responses in a single file. I will evaluate those responses. If there are errors, I will return the form and ask for corrections. If everything is okay, I will add you to the contributor's list and send you a welcoming message. Remember, I do this manually, so there will be typing errors. Write me if you have a problem after I send you the welcoming message. Humor: 10 new urban legends From: gillespr@ucs.orst.edu (Robert Gillespie) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban Subject: Re: UL Experiment/study New urban legends: 1. Humming causes oral cancer. 2. Baking soda is an effective means of birth control. (It is in sufficient quantities). 3. Homosexuality is caused by wearing pants. 4. Human feces mixed with vinegar form a high explosive. 5. Windows on new model cars can't be broken, even with a large rock. 6. Your heart stops during orgasm. 7. $50 and $100 bills soaked in gasoline won't burn. 8. Multiple-choice standardized tests always use the answers "a, b, c, d" repeating over and over. 9. Although insulting to the general public, the rigid extended middle digit is considered a friendly greeting by police officers ("we're #1"). 10. The blue ice used in insulated containers and ice chests comes from airplane toilets. Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu) ===================================================================== To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call- name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 17:29:04 -0500 From: Matt Loach Subject: A mathematician, a chemist, and an engineer.... A mathematician, a chemist, and an engineer were attending a Science & Technology Convention. One night, a fire broke out in their hotel. The engineer immediately grabbed a fire extinguisher, cleared a path through the flames, and safely escaped from the burning building. The chemist picked up an extinguisher, read the contents label, and proceeded to figure out the exact amount of chemical that was needed to put out the blaze. The Mathematician sat up in his bed, saw the fire, saw an extinguisher; he thought for a moment, and stated, "A solution is possible!"; he then laid down, and went back to sleep. # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # Matthew Loach [Haz-Mat] "Have wrench, will travel." # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # Internet: LOAC9687@splava.cc.plattsburgh.edu # # Bitnet: LOAC9687@snyplava.bitnet # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 15:20:16 PST From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 3.U A collection of clean humor gathered on: 21 Nov 88 The following is from a photo copy a friend gave me. It appears to be from a book, this is part of Chapter two. Marriage Customs: AD 200, Northern Europe Among the Germanic Goths, a man married a woman from within his own community. When women were in short supply, he captured his bride-to-be from a neighboring village. The future bridegroom, accompanied by a male companion, seized any young girl who had strayed from the safety of her parental home. Our custom of a "best man" is a relic of that two-man, strong-armed tactic; for such an important task, only the best man would do. From this practice of abduction, which literally swept a bride off her feet, also sprang the later symbolic act of carrying the bride over the threshold of her new home. A best man around AD 200 carried more than a ring. Since there remained the real threat of the bride's family attempting to forcibly gain her return, the best man stayed by the groom's side throughout the marriage ceremony, alert and armed. He also might serve as a sentry outside the newlyweds' home. Of course, much of this is German folklore, but it is not without written documentation and physical artifacts. For instance, the threat of recapture by the bride's family was perceived as so genuine that beneath the church altars of many early peoples - including the Huns, the Goths, the Visigoths, and the Vandals - lay an arsenal of clubs, knives, and spears. The tradition that the bride stand to the left of the groom was also more than a meaningless etiquette. Among the Northern Europeans barbarians (so named by the Romans), a groom placed his captured bride on his left to protect her, freeing his right hand, the sword hand, against sudden attack. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 21:21:48 EST From: Sim Webster Subject: Math humor: Peter Lax jokes Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures) : 1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe? Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable! 2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism! 3. What is a compact city? It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen! ========================================================================= ------------------------------