From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Apr 1994 There are 8 messages totalling 343 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Care of Floppy disks 2. Humor: Lewis Grizzard funny book titles 3. Salesperson humor; involves excrement 4. Humor: Lewis Grizzard humor 5. parents' sayings 6. More parental sayings 7. Sam I am; Purpose of Usenet; Fascinating Panama 8. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 2 Apr 1994 00:00:04 -0500 From: Paul Robinson Subject: Care of Floppy disks From: Paul Robinson Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA ----- [Originally posted on the GAMES List] --------- Date: Fri Mar 25, 1994 9:13 pm EST From: Cowgirl Librarian Subject: Care of Floppy disks Useful information. Should be posted next to all computers. *snicker* Susan ************************************************************************* PROPER CARE OF FLOPPIES 1 Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2 Disketts should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shaving can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the disk to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3 Do not fold diskette unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. 4 Diskette cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If you need to back up your data, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. 5 Never insert a diskette into a drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 6 Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smearing or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot. 7 If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data. 8 Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the dishette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9 Diskette may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskette dry before using. 10 Never use scissors or glue to manual edit documents. The data stored is much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. 11 Periodically spray diskette with insecticide to prevent viruses from spreading. --- Paul Robinson - Paul@TDR.COM Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush ----- The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message: Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Apr 1994 10:11:03 EST From: Bill Subject: Humor: Lewis Grizzard funny book titles Sunday, 20 March 1994, the Southern Humorist Lewis Grizzard, 47, died of heart disease at Atlanta's Emory University Hospital. His humor was about himself, women, good ole boys, football, golf, his heart disease, his pets, and the South. The Encyclopedia of Southern Culture called Lewis Grizzard "the Faulkner of the common man." He wrote 20 books (mostly collections of his newspaper columns). Even if you didn't like his books, most folks thought his book titles were a hoot. (hoot is Southern for "real funny"). Here are some of his best titles: Kathy Sue Loudermilk, I Love You (1979) Elvis is Dead and I Don't Feel So Good Myself (1980) Don't Sit Under the Grits Tree with Anyone Else But Me (1981) They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped that Sucker Flat (1982) about his first open heart surgery. If Love were Oil, I'd be about a Quart Low (1983) Shoot Low Boys, They're Ridin' Shetland Ponies (1985) My Daddy was a Pistol and I'm a Son of a Gun (1987) When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I be too Old to Care? (1987) Don't Bend over in the Garden Granny, You Know Them 'Tators Got Eyes (1988) Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night (1989) If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground (1990) Advice to Newly Wed and the Newly Divorced (1990) from a man who in his life was married four times and divorced three times. Does a Wild Bear Chip in the Woods? (1990) about golf. You Can't Put No Boogie-Woogie on the King of Rock and Roll (1991) Don't Forget to Call Your Mama, I Wish I Could Call Mine (1991) I Haven't Understood Anything Since 1962: And other Nekkid Truths (1992) I Took a Lickin' and Kept on Tickin and Now I Believe in Miracles (1993) Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu) ===================================================================== To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call- name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Apr 1994 11:44:18 -0500 From: Mark Darrall <00mtdarrall@LEO.BSUVC.BSU.EDU> Subject: Salesperson humor; involves excrement I was discussing the relative value of warranties with a representative of our company; he soon came to recall a past position with a large manufacturer of farm implements. "Yeah, we had the best warranties in the business for all our equipment," Larry began as he took a long pull on his beer. "Except for our manure spreaders," Larry continued slyly, "we refused to stand behind *those*. (And Groans are heard across the net) bis spater! Mark ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Apr 1994 11:58:33 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Humor: Lewis Grizzard humor I, too, enjoyed Lewis Grizzard's humor. Monday after his death, his newspaper, the Atlanta Constitution published a list of his most memorable lines. Here they are, plus one they didn't print. On Golf Golf is a frustrating little game conceived by real estate developers so they would have an excuse for ruining perfectly good forests by turning them into golf courses. On dogs A dog doesn't care where you've been, who you've been with or what you've been doing. A dog is just glad you're home. You can't say that about a lot of people. On nudity Nudity used to be difficult to come by, which made me a lot more interested in it than I am today, when it is possible to stand around at a newsstand gazing at magazine covers and see enough skin to reupholster the interior of a Greyhound bus. On sports I'm against the New York Yankees, no matter who they are playing; I don't like John McEnroe of tennis because he's a whining little rich boy with a dirty mouth; and I'm against any wrestler who wears a mask, especially if his belly also flops over the top of his tights. On music The trouble with young people today is you could put lyrics to the sound of a power saw being cranked and they would show up to listen to four hoodlums with orange hair play it. On women I am just as much in favor of justice as the next person, but I often have a difficult time feeling sorry for women when they scream about being sexually harassed in, say, their offices after they show up at work wearing something that would have embar- rassed Mae West. To remember old loves--when a girl could still cook and still would, to quote Merle Haggard--is something the feminists will never take away from us. On life Life is like a dog-sled team; if you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. One of my favorite Grizzard titles was the title for his first comedy album, On the Road with Lewis Grizzard--I've Seen England, I've Seen France, I've Seen Miss America Without Her Underpants. In 1985 that bit about Miss America was true for many people who took a peek at Penthouse trash-a-ma-zine. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Apr 1994 11:00:13 -0700 From: Jesse DuPont Subject: parents' sayings Parents say the darndest things to their children sometimes. My whole family used to take the "Once-A-Year-Family-Vacation" all over the country. (Ok, so when I was littler, a trip to CA and back seemed like all over the country...) My sister and I used to sit in the back seat of our Honda Accord. Most of the time, we would sit there and be seemingly happy to be with the other. However, there was those times when we would get into some sort of tickling spar or simply just have it out right there in the back seat. When we would get into one of those, my father would look at us through the rear-view mirror and say, "Don't you make me have to come back there!" I used to tell him, "Well pull the car over, c'mon back! Let's see what you're made of . . ." Had a great time when my parents left my sister and I alone at home for the first time. The second night they were gone, my mom called and I answered. She said, "Son, how's the house?" I smiled really big and replyed, "Well, house has been sick, mom. Puking all over the place, got this rash, nasty looking bumps and a temperature. Other than that, house is fine." One time, I really made my mother mad. She was really steamin'. "Son, you go to your room and don't come down until you learn how to act!" "But mom," I said, "what does ..." "Don't you talk back to me, get up there now!" So, I left and went up to my room. I sat there on the bed and thought, and I thought some more. Finally, I went down stairs. My mom looked at me and said, "Did you learn to act?" I stood up straight and said with a serious face, "To be? Or not to be, that is the question." Her eyes narrowed and her face turned red and she said, "Oh, we have mister funny man here. Well you just wait 'til your father comes home . . ." and I'm thinkin', 'What the hell does dad know about acting?' Sorry so lame! Jess ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Apr 1994 13:37:17 CST From: David Christian Subject: More parental sayings My father's favorite threat when I was growing up was "Do I need to take my belt off?" One afternoon, being the wisenheimer (does anyone really know what that word means?) I was, I told him if he did, he'd have a hard time catching me...being his pants would be around his knees. Leave it to the old man to one-up me....he quit smoking, gained forty pounds, and didn't need the belt to keep his pants up. (Not that he ever used the belt on me, but I knew my answer didn't hold *ahem* weight after that.) My sister's and I were also notorious back seat arguers. Mom's favorite two lines were "I'll pull the car over right here and give you both a whoppin'" and "Do you want to be left at home next time?" To the second, my answer was inadvertantly "Yes. I do." What I could never understand, though, was when parent's would ask the rhetoric question of "Do you want a spanking?" Anyone besides me ever say, "Sure"? (Just so you all know, I was not a battered child, but I did my fair share of hell-raising. The punishment usually suited the crime!) David ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Apr 1994 15:16:44 -0600 From: Ian Chai Subject: Sam I am; Purpose of Usenet; Fascinating Panama ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >From a ".signature" line (I think in some English-speaking countries, the last syllable in "weekend(s)" is stressed; Australia may be such a country): Gregory Bond Burdett Buckeridge & Young Ltd Melbourne AustraliaI will not do it as a hack I will not do it for my friends I will not do it on a Mac I will not write for Uncle Sam I will not do it on weekends I won't do ADA, Sam-I-Am ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Usenet is a way of being annoyed by people you otherwise never would have met. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: griffith@argos5.DNET.NASA.GOV (Peter C. Griffith (301-341-1814)) I spent 14 fascinating months living in Panama (not with any of the US colonial groups) and would like to report that drivers very commonly drive like maniacs at night with no lights on in the mountains. Why? I asked many times. Actually, I asked "Por que?" The theory was that if you had your lights off, you would have a better chance of seeing the lights of the other guy before he came around the corner. This explanation was offered seriously by several people who I knew from long acquaintance to be intelligent. You might detect the logical fallacy here, but I was unable to make much headway in explaining it to Panamanians, who otherwise are as clever and versitile a group as I have found anywhere. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Apr 1994 23:04:34 -0600 From: Philip Goodloe Subject: President Clinton, Vice President Quale,& Senators Packwood, & Kennedy got into a spelling bee They all arived at a word that none of them could spell with this being the end the Judges had a hard time determining a winner. The Judges finaly decided upon Quale as the victor he was the only one of the four that knew HARASS was one word. HER ASS ========================================================================= ------------------------------