From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Apr 1994 There are 7 messages totalling 314 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. MORE BOOK TITLES (offensive to chineese and book lovers) 2. The Bible: offensive to Christians 3. Kid Humor; one mild expletive 4. Joke 5. H: DC needs a baseball team 6. HUMOR: Kids say the darnest things 7. Over Weight & Pizza Hut Urinals ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 10:31:31 -0400 From: John Hinkle Subject: MORE BOOK TITLES (offensive to chineese and book lovers) "Over Population in China" by: We Fuckem young "Antlers in the Trees" by: Who Goosed, the Moose "Yellow Puddles on the Moon" by: I.P. Farr "Transparent Bikini's" by: Seymour Butts I know these are old (sorry), but i'm sure someone hasen't heard them before. If you've got any more send them my way. jhinkle@sun004.cpdsc.com ********************************************************** * "ticking away the moments that make up a dull day... * * ...you fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way. * * kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town. * * waiting for someone or something to show you the way" * * _pink floyd_DSOTM * ********************************************************** ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 07:06:36 -0400 From: TK Baltimore Subject: The Bible: offensive to Christians Date : 3rd May 0023 TO: Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers). 13a Sandy Wasteland Square, Just Next to the Pizza Hut, Judea. Dear Sirs, It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority. However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions: 1. That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'. 2. That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating the credibility of the average religious zealot. 3. That all references to the incident involving the members of members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be exised forthwith. 4. That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large cast. 5. That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love, squiggles.' 6. That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should on no account be discussed. 7. And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be removed or at least modified. As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book. In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'. Yours sincerely. Adam G Smith. pp Jesus H Christ. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 12:31:18 -0500 From: Mark Darrall <00mtdarrall@LEO.BSUVC.BSU.EDU> Subject: Kid Humor; one mild expletive From the mouths of babes: Our five-year-old Kevin has recently been testing his new vocabulary on us; we try not to make a fuss about it but do make it clear that inappropriate language is unacceptable. One day, when told he couldn't have a snack, he stomped off, saying "Darn it!" and then turned back to judge my wife's reaction. Seeing her disapproving look, he explained,"I was going to say 'damn it' but I didn't." So there you go... ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 14:23:29 EST From: Ken Landa Subject: Joke More Wacky Pachyderm Humor -- Enjoy :) Q. How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen? A. Five. Two in the front, three in the back. Q. How can you tell if an elephant has been in your house? A. By the tracks in the peanut butter. Q. How can you tell if two elephants have been in your house? A. Two sets of tracks in the peanut butter. Q. How can you tell if more than two elephants have been in your house? A. By the Volkswagen parked outside! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 14:35:16 EST From: Kathleen Williams Subject: H: DC needs a baseball team This is my first contribution to Humor@UGA :-) Mike Royko on Washington Press and Whitewater You probably don't realize it, but most of us live in a place called "Out There." The land of Out There is huge. It sprawls from the warm tip of Florida to the frigid Canadian border, and from New York to Los Angeles. In fact, it includes everything in this country except Washington, D.C., and the surrounding suburbs where the politicians, federal bureaucrats and news people make their homes. This much tinier community of Washington is known as "Here." I've become aware of this geographic distinction by watching the various Washington-based TV shows that feature bigtime news pundits who discuss the great issues of the day. On most of these shows, one of the pundits will say: "Is this something that they care about out there or is it something that only we care about here?" The idea is that if the people who live Out There don't care, then the issue might be less important than those who live Here realize. An example is the Whitewater affair, which has just about everybody of importance in Washington in a tizzy. But when Whitewater is discussed on TV, the question is still asked: Does anyone Out There really care? As a lifelong resident of Out There, I think I can answer that question: Yes, no, maybe and who knows? Most of us who live here, which means Out There, are not as obsessed by the Whitewater affair as those who live there, which means Here. For one thing, most of us Out There don't understand what it is all about. We are waiting for those who live Here to explain it to us. But that's a problem because those who live Here, which means there, don't seem to understand it too well, either. As far as I can tell, there is a suspicion that back in their Arkansas days, the Clintons did something unethical and now they are trying to cover it up. But what they did isn't clear, except that they invested in a bum real estate deal in Arkansas with a banker-friend who turned out to be wild and crazy with other people's money. He is no longer the Clintons' friend and has become kind of a seedy local kook. That's life in the fast lane. There are also questions about lawyer Hillary serving on boards of big corporations that gave money to her husband's political campaigns, handling legal matters that put her on both sides of the fence and maybe fudging on income tax. So how do most of us Out There, which means just about everywhere, feel about this? Well, in Chicago, which is part of Out There, most people are less concerned with this issue than they are over the question of whether Michael Jordan should keep trying to hit a baseball, or come back and rescue the Bulls from total collapse. They are also concerned about their schools, children, cars, paychecks and mortgage payments; cholesterol level, sodium intake and pains in their joints, chest, and sinuses; the arrogant bully who is their boss and whether they should splurge on a new set of heel-toe weighted irons. It's not that they are indifferent to the great issues of the day that send the McGoofy Group into a tizzy. But most people lead normal lives, which means that they don't hang on every word uttered at every Washington press conference. While C-SPAN has a devoted following, it can't compete with Oprah or even Geraldo. Then there is the shock factor. And so far Whitewater doesn't have it. Most people Out There know that Clinton is a lawyer and has spent most of his adult life in politics. Hillary was a bigtime corporate lawyer and political wife in Arkansas. Is anyone going to gasp and collapse at the thought that a pair of successful lawyer-politicians might have engaged in practices that were -- eek -- unethical? Of course not. It is assumed that politicians and lawyers are capable of being unethical, or why would they embarrass themselves and their loved ones by taking up these trades? If anyone ran for office by saying, "I have never done anything unethical, dishonest, or fibbed in my whole life, and I never will, honest to goodness, cross my heart and hope to die," he would immediately be branded a shameless liar and a fraud and would suffer a crushing defeat. No, most of us who live Out There have become almost shockproof. A new serial killer has trouble crashing the front page, so who gets bug-eyed about details of a failed real estate development on an Arkansas trout stream? During his campaign, it came out that Clinton had been a draft-dodger and quite possibly was a chronic bed-hopper. That was so shocking that he was elected President of the United States. Since the election, his old Arkansas bodyguards have told lurid stories of Clinton sneaking out of the governor's mansion for late-night hanky-panky in, among other places, school parking lots. And that was met by a national yawn. So why should anyone expect the great population Out There to be excited over murky ethical, legal and financial questions that most lawyers and CPAs would have trouble understanding? I've said it before and I'll say it again: What Washington needs is its own baseball team. It would give the McGoofy Group something to think about. (C) 1994 BY THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 18:28:38 EST From: Angel Dey Subject: HUMOR: Kids say the darnest things From: Mark Vellek Subject: A Cute Anecdote My insurance salesman had a cute anecdote that is true: He and his wife took their 5 year old little girl out to dinner at any place she wanted. She chose, wisely, one of the most expensive places in town to eat. Once they were there, she likes shrimp, so they ordered her a shrimp cocktail and they both ordered escargot. When the appetizers arrived, she asked innocently, "What are those, and can I try one?" They explained what they were, where they come from and that they are a delicacy in France. Then they said, "Sure, honey." Turns out she really liked them, so she turned to her mommy and said, "Mommy, I would gladly trade you my shrimp for your catepillars." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 21:54:53 -0600 From: Jesse DuPont Subject: Over Weight & Pizza Hut Urinals My girlfriend's father had a rather interesting experience at a Pizza Hut one time. Their oldest son, now 15, was approximately 5 or 6 and had to use the restroom. So, he to him into the restroom. The father used the urinal and the son used the regular toilet. When the son came out of the stall, he gave the father a really funny look. The father thought nothing of it. However, as the two were walking back to the table, the son yelled back to his mother, "Mom, dad pee'd in the sink!" Of course, the whole restaraunt heard the little boy and needles to say, the father turned beet-red. The little boy had never seen a urinal before and thought it was the sink. I was definitely ROTFL my head off! A little boy and his father were grocery shopping one day when the boy spotted a rather large female. The little boy exclaimed, "Dad, she's huge!" The father quieted the boy down and went to another isle. About two isles down, the boy saw the same woman and said the same thing. Of course, the father was getting kind-of annoyed and dragged the boy into another isle. Well, as they were approaching the ckeck stand, the samee woman was in line in front of them. Suddenly, her beeper went off the boy screamed, "Dad, she's backing up, watch out!..." Who ever submitted the "What did the elephant say to the naked man" joke, I must give a thousand thanks, I have told everyone I know and haven't had a single complaint! Thanks! Jess ========================================================================= ------------------------------