From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Apr 1994 There are 16 messages totalling 489 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. offensive to whales? Poles? Scots? 2. Kid's humorous sayings 3. Humor--unethical doctor 4. Divine Wind and Messy Shorts 5. Humor: Happy Funball!!! 6. test 7. Church Humor (clean) 8. Joke 9. scottish-bash 10. Smart Dog Joke (2 Profane Words) 11. Humor: The death of the farmer's cow and wife 12. Political/religious news (wierd) 13. Riddles for kids of all ages 14. Life 3.V A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88 15. Patience with patents 16. Humor: Thinking about you ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 00:31:00 PDT From: Jack Kolb Subject: offensive to whales? Poles? Scots? There were two whales in the ocean and suddenly one of them gets hit by a harpoon. "Bloody hell," he says, "where did that come from?" "From that old whaling ship," says the other. "I've been getting hit from there for years--listen, let's get the bastards. I'll go under the ship and give them a surprise." So he swims under and heaves a great puff and pushes the ship right out of the water. Sailors are scattered everywhere. "Okay," says the other one, "now let's eat 'em." "No way," says the first whale. "Blow jobs I can handle, but eating seamen is something I just won't stomach." - - - - - What does a just married Polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? A last name. - - - - - An American woman, visiting Scotland for the first time, had never heard the bagpipes. After listening to McDougall play for nearly an hour, she went up to him and said, "Perhaps if you let go, it will stop screaming." Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 08:09:37 -0600 From: NAME Subject: Kid's humorous sayings When Marc, now grown, was about 4, he and I were driving home from a church circle meeting. As we passed a large funeral home, we noted many cars and people, including, of course, a large black hearse. Marc wanted to know what was going on. So I explained that someone had died and they were having a service before burying the person. Marc didn't answere, but I noticed that he was climbing all around, looking hard out of the windows of the car, especially trying to look up. Finally, he gave me a withering, scornful look - the kind only a four-year-old can manage, and said, "I don't see anybody going." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 09:51:03 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Humor--unethical doctor Patient to doctor: "Kiss me, kiss me!" "I can't", replies the doctor, "It's unethical". "Please..." he begs the doctor. "It's impossible. I've taken the Hippocratic Oath" she says. "But please...kiss me, even so" he pleads, sweat pouring down his face. "No, no," the doctor crys, "I shouldn't even be making love to you!" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 08:20:49 -0600 From: Jesse DuPont Subject: Divine Wind and Messy Shorts First of all, it was so pointed out to me that I made a mistake in my last submittance. I used isle instead of aisle. My mistake, thanks Lee! :) Now, on with the humor. My step-father has some interesting friends. One inparticular had a spell a couple of weeks ago that was a rather *messy* experience. He works on a construction site here in Wyoming and has to drive 25 miles to work to punch in and then another 5 miles to get to the work site. Well, on this particular day, he had left work at the normal time and drove the five miles to punch out at the office. Upon leaving the office and en-route for home, he suddenly had the urge to let a rip-roaring fart. Luckily for him, he was alone. So, he sat up, got ready and let 'er rip. Out it came, followed right behind with a bunch of shit. Yup, he shit his pants, pure as day! The really sad part about this is that he had to ride the other 22 or so miles before he got home to change. I couldn't even imagine having done this, much less having told someone about it... Greetings, good-day, farewell, bye, c-ya, laters, so long, Oh, good bye jess. . . ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 11:09:32 -0400 From: TK Baltimore Subject: Humor: Happy Funball!!! This is a transcription of the Saturday Night Live parody commercial for Happy Fun Ball. -- HAPPY FUN BALL -- (kids) It's Happy! It's Fun! It's Happy Fun Ball! (announcer) Yes, it's Happy Fun Ball, the toy sensation that's sweeping the nation. Only 14.95 at participating stores! Get one Today (background voice) Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which if exposed due to rupture should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: * Itching * Vertigo * Dizziness * Tingling in extremities * Loss of balance or coordination * Slurred speech * Temporary blindness * Profuse Sweating or * Heart palpitations If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and it's parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee. (announcer) Happy Fun Ball! Accept no substitutes! Tah tah. TK ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 11:08:55 MEX From: "Antonio \"Gordolfo\" Oliveros" Subject: test disregard this test, more humor to come... ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 12:23:23 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Church Humor (clean) Every week, Miss Agnes, a retired schoolteacher and lifetime member of the church, would shake the pastor's hand and eloquently praise the sermon. One Sunday, he jovially questioned her about his sermon's content. Miss Agnes failed the quiz, but refused to let him have the last word. "I guess I'm like a wicker basket," she said. "If you put me down in a well and bring me up, I don't hold much water, but I feel a whole lot cleaner." -------------------------------------------- Phil Corless Boise, Idaho apucorle@idbsu.idbsu.edu -------------------------------------------- ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 11:46:14 EST From: Ken Landa Subject: Joke "God is dead!" -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, 1891 "Nietzsche is dead!" -God, 1900 Ken Landa b2rt@MUSICB.McGill.CA ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 15:11:29 -0500 From: Matt Loach Subject: scottish-bash Did you hear about the wonderful practical joke that was played on the Scottish? Apparantly, someone gave the kilt-wearing fools a few sets of bagpipes, and told them that they were musical instruments. BP # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # Matthew Loach [Haz-Mat] "Have wrench, will travel." # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # Internet: LOAC9687@splava.cc.plattsburgh.edu # # Bitnet: LOAC9687@snyplava.bitnet # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 15:22:43 EST From: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center Subject: Smart Dog Joke (2 Profane Words) A farmer was down on his luck having suffered a bad growing season, lack of crops and poor prices. To make ends meet he decided he'd have to sell his dog - a most intelligent animal. A few days after placing the ad, a man came to see this "intelligent" dog. When asked when the dog could do, the farmer pointed to a stand of trees nearby and informed the man there was a pond on the other side. He turned to the dog and commanded, "Hunt." Immediately the dog took off for the trees, came back a few moments later and barked twice. The farmer said, "He just told me there are two ducks down at the pond." "That's absurd." said the potential buyer. "Dogs can't count. He was probably just barking for the heck of it." Just then a duck flew overhead, decended just past the trees and apparently landed on the pond. "Now send him back and have him count!" said the man. The farmer again commanded "Hunt!" and off went the dog. He came back shortly and barked three times. The buyer finally believed the dog was smart and bought him on the spot. A few days later the man took his new dog out into the woods where he knew there was a pond nearby. He commanded the dog "Hunt!" and the dog took off toward the pond and came back a few minutes later with a stick in it's mouth. He came up to the man swinging the stick wildly around and began humping his leg. "Smart, my ass!" said the new owner and promptly shot the dog. When he got home he immediately called the farmer to complain. "Some dog you sold me! When I told him to 'hunt' he came back waving a stick and started humping my leg so I shot the queer critter." And the farmer replied, "You stupid idiot! He was trying to tell you there were more fucking ducks than you could shake a stick at!" EconomicalSignatureOfKathleenOlivier ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 15:36:37 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Humor: The death of the farmer's cow and wife A farmer having settled in a country village on a little farm, gained the esteem of the whole neighbourhood. The first year was hardly expired when he lost a very fine cow, which was by much the best of all his cattle, and he was extremely mortified at it; but this was nothing to the grief he felt in a short time afterwards, when death also took away his wife. His neighbours thought they were obliged to comfort him; "Honest farmer," said one of them, "do not alarm yourself; the wife you lost was a good one, it is true, but there is as good to be had. I have three daughters for my part; take your choice of them." Another offered him a sister, another a niece.--"Lord have mercy upon us," replied the farmer, "it is better to loose one's wife than one's cow: My wife is hardly three hours dead, and here are half a dozen people already offering to supply her place for me; but when my cow died, the devil a one spake of giving me another." (Beers' Almanac for 1800) Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 17:22:39 -0400 From: "John L. Vogel" Subject: Political/religious news (wierd) Folks, I didn't make this up. I don't think I could have. These are straight form the pages of Monday's (4/4/94) Washington Post. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 16:34:10 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Riddles for kids of all ages Q. What do you call a parakeet with a doctoral degree? A. A birdbrain! Q. What do you call a plastic parrot? A. Polly Esther. Q. What do you call a small, square pasta filled with crow meat? A. Ravenoli. Q. What do you call a wacky chicken? A. A cuckoo cluck. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 17:38:09 PDT From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 3.V A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88 ---------------------------------------------------- The Three Untruths of Today's Society: 1) The Check is in the Mail 2) I'll Still respect You in the Morning 3) Hi, I'm from the Government and here to help. ---------------------------------------------------- A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours. The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the room and play for the dying man. When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2 Englishmen in for checkups died. 'Tis said in Erin that 'twas the Irish who invented the bagpipes and gave 'em to the Scots as a joke...and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet. ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Newfie Rubix's cube? It's white on all sides and it takes two minutes to solve. Boss: "Newfie, you should have been here at nine o'clock." Newfie: "Why, what happened?" Newfie to his friend: " The boys said you weren't fit to sleep with the pigs. I stuck up for you. I said you were." ---------------------------------------------------- Ever sinces there's been an overflow of lawyers, they've been going out of their way to find a case: Are you injured? You sure? Check again... Have you been injured lately? Have you EVER been injured? Know anybody who's been injured? Have any friends who've been injured? Do they thave any friends who've been injured? Do you're friend's friends have any friends who've been injured? ---------------------------------------------------- And if you put Saturn in a bucket of water, it would float. ...but you wouldn't want to do that! It would leave a ring! and leave you with a Titanic clean-up job to do. I know that trick. The rings keep it up. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 23:02:12 -0500 From: Ian Chai Subject: Patience with patents ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: mmm@cup.portal.com (Mark Robert Thorson) >From time to time, computer architects must face the patent system. This requires working with a patent attorney to develop a description of a product under development in the highly formalized language and style of patent. In addition to being a major pain in the neck and time waster, it usually hits early in the development cycle, when the designer is deeply involved in finalizing the design and debugging the prototypes. This can be a frustrating process, because it has to be done right the first time. Adding material is usually impossible, because it means accepting a new filing date. If in the meantime a public disclosure of the invention has been made, all foreign patent rights are lost. Although new material cannot be added, it is a little-known fact that any amount of material can be supplied with the patent application at the time of filing, then deleted from the application. It is this material which can be added back (undeleted). It can be added back whole or in part. To this end, the following paragraph was developed. It is recommended that this paragraph (or a variant of it customized to your invention) is interleaved with every other paragraph in your patent application: "The dynamic pipelined parallel cache SCSI DMA graphics communications CISC RISC processor port disk memory controller is equipped with can handle transfer control receive transmit buffer calculate operate produce up to a minimum maximum of 1 2 4 8 16 32 K M G baud bits bytes words pixels 8- 16- 32- 64- 80- bit integers IEEE-compatible floating-point numbers per second cycle memory bank page sector disk row line column frame communications channel. This is useful useless required provides for fast slow high low performance resolution speed density cost power consumption interactive memory math calculation graphics I/O communications bandwidth cycles." By selectively undeleting individual words, we can form an infinite variety of new sentences, such as: "The SCSI port can transfer up to 4 M bytes per second. This is useful for high performance I/O bandwidth." "The cache controller handles a maximum of 128 K memory. This provides fast memory cycles." "The pipelined RISC processor can operate on 80-bit IEEE-compatible floating-point numbers. This is required for high-resolution math." "The graphics controller can produce up to 16 pixels per cycle. This provides fast interactive graphics." A somewhat longer version of this paragraph forms the basis for my patent application "A Digital Machine for Operating on Data". :-) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 20:47:12 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Humor: Thinking about you We all have thought a lot about you by John Ciardi Two hundred twenty thousand, five hundred twenty-three Registered local voters (well, yes, including me Were asked to vote in secret on what to do with you. Two hundred twenty thousand five hundred twenty-two Voted to put you in a cage and throw away the key. That isn't quite unanimous, but I think you will agree That as a test of sentiment their vote will surely do To indicate what seems to be a rather general view Shared by the mayor, the aldermen, your teachers, the police, The deputy dog-catcher, the man who makes the keys, The man who makes the cages, and the keeper of the zoo. You might say everyone in town--no, that's not strictly true-- But *almost* everyone in town takes a dim view of you. ========================================================================= ------------------------------