From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Apr 1994 There are 23 messages totalling 864 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Joke for Easter Season 2. Talking Dog, Part Deux 3. Humor: PC names of sports teams (non-offensive, I hope) 4. May be offensive to af-am + a few others 5. Life 3.V A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88 6. Bar conversation 7. humor 8. Addr: (Offensive to) Blondes (If they understand them) 9. MAY BE OFFENSIVE 10. Jeffery Dahmer and art (tasteless) 11. Political -Clinton joke 12. HUMOR: A sex guide to Lucky Charms 13. Cards.... 14. guess what it is 15. Oldie - non-offensive 16. Pepsi, Flooding, & Pilot's Licenses 17. Humor: Why the shy is blue 18. Dr. Fegg 19. Humor: West Virginia application 20. Contributor's List Test (may be offensive) 21. Clean, animal related 22. 23. top 10 (?) signs you need sleep ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 08:57:15 -0400 From: Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest Subject: Joke for Easter Season In the mid 1950s Krushchev came to power in the Soviet Union and gave his famous speech denouncing Stalin and the Stalinist reign of terror. As a follow-up to this speech, Krushchev wanted to exhume Stalin and to bury him outside of the Soviet Union. He approached Eisenhower who was President of the United States. Eisenhower expressed sympathy with the idea but pointed out that if it ever became known (as was very likely with the aggressive media in the US) that he had sanctioned the burial of Stalin in the United States or US territory, it would be a political disaster for him and for the Republican party. So Krushchev went to Anthony Eden, the prime minister of Great Britain. He got essentially the same answer. In desperation Krushchev talked to David Ben Gurion, the head of Israel. The Soviet Union at this time had no diplomatic relations with Israel. Still Ben Gurion was more encouraging. Israel had a lot of desert. The Army and the intelligence community could be counted on to keep a secret. Yes it could be done, but Ben Gurion noted "Mr. Premier, there is one thing I must warn you about." Krushchev asked "what?" To which Ben Gurion replied "My country has the world's highest resurrection rate." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 09:39:26 -0400 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Talking Dog, Part Deux A farmer from L.A. (Lower Alabama) sent his only son to the Crimson Tide University in Tuscaloosa, having given the boy $9,000 in cash for the first year's expenses. At the Christmas break, the freshman realized that he was going to be in trouble with the old man, because just a little bit more than half that money was gone -- same old story -- wine, wimmyn, song. "Dad," he says, "I need to take the blue tick dog back to the university, because they've got a program up there that can teach dogs to read and know pie are square, and I don't know what all." It only costs $2,000, and you'd have the smartest dog in the county. --"Sounds like a good idea to me," replies the farmer, "Here's the money." About spring break time, the son, broke, calls home: "Dad, I won't be coming home on break, because the university researchers think that Blue is the smartest dog in the class, and they want to teach him to talk English. It costs just $5,000." --"Well," says the farmer, "sounds good to me. I'll wire you the money this afternoon." Of course, that money went the same way as all the other. The second semester was over, and Junior arrives home without the dog. "Where's that $7,000 talking dog?" asks the father. "Dad," replies the son, "it's the dangedest thing. Blue and I were driving home, having a real nice chat, and suddenly he asked, 'Is your father still humping that widow woman down the road?' Dad, I felt I had to kill him right then and there, just to protect you!" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 11:33:51 -0400 From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now." Subject: Humor: PC names of sports teams (non-offensive, I hope) Found in Reader's Digest: The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce it's name changes and schedules for the '92 season: The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games will include the Dallas Western- Style Laborers hosting the L.A. Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers. In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Fransisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philiadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Freebooters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Securities- Traders-in-a-Declining-Market. Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 12:01:02 GMT From: Jim Davis Subject: May be offensive to af-am + a few others There once was this man who was in love with his girlfriend. In fact, he loved her so much that he had her name (Wendy) tattooed on his penis. The only prob lem was that in most instances (when he wasn't erect) the only letters showing were "W" and "Y". This man had to take a business trip to Jamaica. During his trip he happened t o be in a public restroom and there was a black man standing next to him taking a leak, too. Our friend happenen to look over at the man next to him and noti ced a "W" and a "Y" on his penis too. He couldn't believe his eyes so he asked "Is your girlfriend's name Wendy, too" "Wha you on about mon?" was the black-man's reply "I said, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too? You see, my girlfriend's name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis. But, when I'm not aroused you can on ly see the "W" and the "Y". And, since your penis has a "W" and a "Y" tattooed on it, I assumed your girlfriend's name is Wendy too." "Well mon, you see, I ain't got no girlfriend. But what I do have tattooed on my penis is 'Welcome to Jamaica, man. Hope you enjoy your visit. Have a nice day.'" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 09:59:33 PDT From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 3.V A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88 ---------------------------------------------------- A man decided to conduct a world wide poll He asked a Texan "Excuse me, what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" He got "What's a shortage?" He went to Poland, asked same the question and got "What's meat?" He went to Russia, asked same the question and got "What's an opinion?" He went to New York, asked the same question and got "What's an excuse me?" ---------------------------------------------------- Jeff Kawski writes: > My friend once saw a question like this on his physics final: > > A physics student is asked to find 3 ways to use a barometer to determine > the height of a tall building. His replies are as follows: > > 1. Find someone who knows how tall the building is, and trade him the > barometer for the information. Jeff Roberts replies: > Wasn't this joke ripped off from the first episode of "Head of the Class" > (bunch'a brainy kids led by real-world substitute)? No way; this joke dates back to at least 1951. Sharvey Umbeck, president of Knox College, told this one at every convocation for his 24 years at the helm of my dear alma mudhole. I would be surprised if he invented it: he told it as if it were much older. He used it to underscore the breadth of the liberal arts. The canonical reply list was: 0. What the teacher wanted: Measure the barometric pressure at the top and bottom of the building. Plug these into the equation in the book and spit out the answer. 1. Student's first attempt: Trade the barometer to the building's owner for the height. 2. Measure the height of the barometer. Scale the side of the building, measuring its height in barometer-units. 3. Drop the barometer from the top of the building. Measure the time until it hits the street. Correcting for the mass/surface ratio of the instrument, use basic acceleration equation to find the height. 4. Tie string to top of barometer. Lower from roof to almost ground. Swing. Period of pendulum can be used to find distance from barometer's CG to top of building. Add displacement from CG to bottom of barometer; this is height. 5. Oh! You want that *boring* stuff from the beginning of the term! What is something this simple doing on the final? Anyone who doesn't know that has already dropped. I assumed you wanted us to *think*! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 12:19:15 -0500 From: Sean Watson Subject: Bar conversation This is not really a joke but a conversation I had at a local bar. I was sitting at a table, drinking with this girl that I had seen there before. I noticed that she was drinking a long island ice tea, which as you all know, comes with a cherry. Having already had a few beers, I quickly improvised a pick-up line and asked her, "Excuse me, can I have your cherry, or is it already spoken for?" "Sorry," she replied, "There's nothing left of my cherry but the box it came in." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 12:27:36 -0500 From: Ryan Hinch Subject: humor A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good. So, she decided she was tired of him and got a divorce. A couple days after the divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: "WANTED. Husband that won't beat me or kick me. Good sex a must." A week or so passed and she fianlly gets a knock at the door. She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband. "Well, you don't have any arms." she notices. "I can't beat you then, can I?" he replies. "And you don't have any legs!" "SO! That only means I can't kick you." She pauses for a moment and then asks, "Well what about the sex?" He answers confidently, "I knocked on the door didn't I?" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 12:48:22 EST From: Kevin Cain Subject: Addr: (Offensive to) Blondes (If they understand them) FROM: Kevin R. Cain And You Thought The Blonde Bashing Was Over... 1. Why do blondes make good secretaries? They take dictation on both knees. 2. Why can't blondes be pharmacists? They can't get those little jars in the typewriter. 3. How is a blonde like a cop car? They both make lots of noise to let you know they're coming. 4. What was the blond voted by her senior class? The girl most likely to...... 5. How many blondes does it take to ice fish? Six - two to cut the hole in the ice and four to pus the boat through. 6. Why do blondes make such good nurses? They can make the patient without disturbing the bed. 7. Did you here about the blonde who had three chances to get pregnant? Blew 'me all! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 13:54:58 -0400 From: George Olson Subject: MAY BE OFFENSIVE A YOUNG GIRL WENT TO HER FATHER TO TELL HIM OF HER DECISION TO WED. WHEN HE HEARD THE GROOM'S NAME HE SAID, 'THAT'S GREEK, ISN'T IT?' . TO WHICH SHE REPLIE'YES, IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?" 'NO', HE ANSWERED ' BUT LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE. IF HE ASKS YOU TO ROLL OVER, DON'T DO IT.' WELL, AFTER SEVERAL YEARS OF MARRIAGE, ONE NIGHT IN THE BEDROOM, THE HUSBAND ASKED HER TO ROLL OVER. REMEMBERING HER FATHER'S ADVICE SHE SAID, 'NO WAY! NOT ON YOUR LIFE.' THE HUSBAND THEN ASKED ' DON'T YOU EVER WANT TO HAVE A BABY?' ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 10:25:28 -0700 From: "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" Subject: Jeffery Dahmer and art (tasteless) I show this comic on A&E the other night and his closer was hilarious. I thought I'd share it with anyone who hadn't seen it. Jeffery Dahmer: Cannibalistic maniac or artist working with an unpopular medium? I was on the floor. ciao fer now mike ---------------------------------------------------------------- | Mike Smith | Disclaimer: I have never | | MASMITH@MICKEY.CARIBOO.BC.CA | taken the pulse of a dying | | voice: 604-371-5518 | duck or given mouth to mouth | | | resuscitation to a horse fly | | | --- King Missle----1992 | ---------------------------------------------------------------- ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 15:31:18 -0400 From: "Nigel H. Mendez" Subject: Political -Clinton joke It is not Lettermans- but hey I think I did a good job?? From the Home Office in Larchmont, NY the Top Ten Things Overheard in the Presidential Box During the College Basketball Finals: 10: "Oh, so you are saying that I should be rooting for the team in white?" 9: "Can we get some burgers and fries up here?" 8: "Sir, there are not enough people in this booth to do a wave" 7: "Actually, I have NO chance of re-election no matter who wins the game." 6: "I can't believe the shorts that these players are wearing; they should have stylish and practical shorts, like the ones that I jog in." 5: "I hope this doesn't go into overtime- I have Gennifer back in the White House- after all Hillary is away for a few days." 4: "IT just dawned on my, if Arkansas wins I have to bring all these hicks to the white house -- GO DUKE!!!!" 3: "No Sir I don't think Arkansas needs you to play defense for them." 2: "I can't believe that it is our job to defend a guy like this." And the Number One thing Overheard in the Presidential Box during the College Basketball Finals: 1: 'Hey Guys do you think that if Arkansas wins Hillary will let me run the country for a day? Hope you enjoyed it --Nigel Connecticut College ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 15:29:50 -0400 From: "Amy L. Ward" Subject: HUMOR: A sex guide to Lucky Charms **************************************************************************** * Amy L. Ward * * * Career Center * My gut instinct has never been wrong, * * The George Washington University * but if it is someday, I'll just blame * * Washington, DC * it on enchiladas. * * cecalw@gwunix2.gwu.edu * * **************************************************************************** * GAT d? -p+ c++ l+ u+ e+ m s n+ h f+ g- w+++ t++@ r- x+ * **************************************************************************** LUCKY CHARMS Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true --- just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality: Green clovers: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up. Blue diamonds: If your favorite marhmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love. Orange Stars: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love. Pink hearts: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor. Purple horseshoes: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next? Yellow Moons: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple horseshoes out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box. Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 15:17:49 -0500 From: Petra R Tussey Subject: Cards.... I was playing a game called hand and foot with my step father when He looks at me as serious as ever and says, "You have a musical hand" when I asked him what he was speaking of he said well you have the Jacks and fives! You should have seen the look on my face when I finally figured out what he said...it looked something like this * * ^ {===} Petra ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 14:59:00 MST From: D O Subject: guess what it is What does Arnold Schwasgennegter (sic) have really long, Madonna doesn't have, and the Pope has, but he doesn't use it? Last Name. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 16:08:08 -0600 From: NAME Subject: Oldie - non-offensive Cleaning out files today, I came across an old (? when) Ann Landers column with this 'author unknown' tidbit. It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. Man spoke up and said, "Can I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed. Then the lord gave the lion 20 years. The lion, too, wanted only 10. Again Man spoke up, "May I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," said the lion. Then came the donkey who was also given 20 years. As with the others, 10 years was enough. Man again asked for the spare 10 years and he got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 16:15:57 -0600 From: Jesse DuPont Subject: Pepsi, Flooding, & Pilot's Licenses I always enjoy looking at Frank and Earnest cartoons in the paper. About a year ago, when the flooding in the East was happening, I opened up the paper and found a most hilarious Frank and Earnest. It pictured God and two angels. God was sitting on a cloud watching the two angels. The two angels had a big lid with a brush attached to it and were flying towards Earth. Next to God on the cloud, there was a bottle of White-Out. The caption read (God was speaking to the angels.) "Wait...That's a little drastic. Let's just go with the flood idea..." Another cartoon that I thought was rather interesting and humerous appeared around the time when Pepsi was being accused of having syringes in some of the cans. It sports a picture of 5 executives sitting around a table and behind them, is a loose interpretation of a Pepsi symbol. One of the Executives had his finger up in the air and the caption read: "I've got it! 'FREE' syringes in selected cans!" By the way, this was a Berry's World cartoon. The last little story, my step-grandmother is one hell of a person. She is very nice, generous, pleasant, and exteremely messy. So, one day, I was talking with my step-father and we were talking about his mother. "Dan," I said, "your mom has a pilot's license, doesn't she." "No." He said, "She doesn't have one. Why do you ask?" "Well, when I step into her house, I see that she can pile-it there and pile-it here..." Jess ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 19:20:08 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Humor: Why the shy is blue Why the Sky is Blue by John Ciardi I don't suppose you happen to know Why the sky is blue? It's because the snow Takes out the white. That leaves it clean For the trees and grass to take out the green. Then pears and bananas start to mellow, And bit by bit they take out the yellow. The sunsets, of course, take out the red And pour it into the ocean bed Or behind the mountains in the west. You take all that out and the rest Couldn't be anything else but blue. Look for yourself. You can see it's true. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 19:28:23 EDT From: Bryan Pack Subject: Dr. Fegg From _Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of *All* World Knowledge_ 1974: Terry Jones & Michael Palin :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: === Article: Nursery Rhymes === "Tea with Uncle Fegg" Uncle Fegg, oh, Uncle Fegg, What are you doing there? A chicken in your trousers, And porridge in your hair? Why are you throwing rats at me? And kicking that poor goat? Why have you leapt upon me thus And gripped me by the throat? Why do you bang my head so much Upon the bathroom floor? Why have you got the carving knife? And what's that bucket for? Oh! Uncle Fegg! Oh! Uncle Fegg! It really seems to me, That it was all a BIG MISTAKE To ask *you* 'round for tea.... --- "Simple Simon" Simple Simon Met a Pieman Selling poisoned pies. Said the pieman "Why not try one?" As he brushed off the flies. Said Simple Simon "Thank you, pieman." And died, to his surprise. --- "Daffodils and Flowers" by Laurence the Poet Daffodils go ping! and oink! They really are alarming! I'm scared of big geraniums And I'm sure that lilac's harming! I don't feel safe with primroses And pansies make me jump! A rhododendron bush makes me go all wobbly. And I'm terrified that hyacinths might whop me when I'm not looking! Oh dear, just talking about it makes me want to go and sit down. ------------------------------------------------------------------ 76 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 20:06:57 EST From: Angel Dey Subject: Humor: West Virginia application Application to Live in West Virginia Name:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________ CB Handle:_____________________ Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________ Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________ Mamma:_________________________ Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark Red Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____ Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________ Truck equipped with: ____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag ____Cassette Deck ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks ____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas ____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns ____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires ____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____ BUMPER STICKERS: ____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too ____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit ____Redman Chewing Tobacco Define the following (must be 90% correct): 1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater 2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins 3. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie 4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin' Fry19. Shonuf 5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins Favorite Vocalist: ____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn ____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard ____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner ____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie Favorite Recreation: ____Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin' ____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin' ____4-Wheelin' ____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin' ____Honky Tonkin' ____Noodlin' ____Other Name of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D. Name of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____Daisy Weapons Owned: ___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmint Rifle ___Log Cabin ___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick'ry Switch Number of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle ___Black & Tan ___Bird Dawg Cap Emblem: ___John Deer ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser ___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors ___NAPA ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear Number of Dependents: Legal:________ Claimed:_________ Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________ Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________ Memberships: ___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA ___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion ___United Sons n' Daughters of the Confederacy ___John Birch Society Length of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________ Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of Primer Red? ___Yes ___No How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______ How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________ Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________ Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________ What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________ Are you married to any of the following: ____Sister ____Cousin ____Sow Do you know her name?________________ Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________ Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________ Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________ If so, why?______________________________________________________________ Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________ Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________ Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________ Medical Information: Do you have at least two of the following: ___BO ___Head Lice ___Rabies ___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF WEST VIRGINIA, YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE IN THE STATE OF ALABAMA. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER. HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT WEST VIRGINIA. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 20:24:28 -0400 From: Paul Robinson Subject: Contributor's List Test (may be offensive) From: Paul Robinson Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA ----- In case anyone wonders, THIS is the application we have to fill out to be allowed to post messages: To: PAUL@TDR.COM Subject: Re: Authorize Posting Application Test for admission to Contributor's Status UGA Humor List The purpose of the Application Test is to provide the listowner with a lot of information he can use to make money and blackmail people. The contributors' list is not intended as an elitist group. It is only that only that special people are allowed. The two criteria are: usable gossip about yourself or famous people, or large donations of anonymous cash. The Seven Questions 1. What was your grandmother's confirmation name? 2. How often do you have sex a week? Straight or Gay? Who gets on top or who is dominant? Describe explicitly what you do. 3. Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? (oops, sorry, wrong list - never mind) What juicy gossip do you have about a famous person that can be converted to cash? 4. I have read HUMOR's rules. I understand them. I agree to work for free and to make substantial donation of funds to the list owner. Explain any reservations you have either to this policy, or at any restaurant. 4. What color are you? Do you object to undergoing a procedure for having this changed if your color is unacceptable to the list? If not, why not? 5. Are you willing to convert to the Church of Satan or Neo-Paganism, and are you willing to undergo the appropriate conversion rituals? 6. Explain in detail the following: Why are we here? What is the purpose of life? What happens after we die? Provide examples and evidence supporting your answers. 7. Show an example of a message which it is illegal to be sent by electronic mail, such as threats to assasinate the President of the United States, someone else's valid credit card numbers, or other such material which you have CCd to a public mailing list. You will receive a reply when we see your response. If you satisfactorily respond to all items, you will be accepted for the contributor's list and you will be sent a welcoming message. If there was one or more problems, you will be asked to re-submit an even more personal article. Please realize that there can be up to a week delay between your test being submitted and getting a response. Responses accompanied by transaction numbers for Western Union Money Transfers made payable to the list owner receive higher priority. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 20:54:45 -0400 From: Hilde Horvath Subject: Clean, animal related This is from the "Animals and Stuff" newsletter put out by Alaska Cooperative Extension, Fall 1992, by Ken Krieg, Livetock Specialist: Under "preventing farm fatalities" #5. When handling cattle or horses, either stand far enough away that they can't reach you with their feet or close enough to them that they can hurt you even if they kick. 21. NEVER, NEVER try to teach a pig to sing. It is a waste of your time and annoys the pig. "The lifecycle is all backwards. You should die first and get it out of the way. Then you live for 20 years in an old-age home, and get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and then you go to work. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You go to college and you party until you're ready for high school. Then you go to grade school, you become a little kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating, and you finish off as a gleam in somebody's eye." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 19:57:05 -0500 From: Philip Goodloe Subject: Over heard at a Tavern Little red riding hood was going through the woods to her grand mothers house whene she was stoped by a rabbit the rabbit asked her where she was going after she told the rabbit the rabbit told here not to go to her grandmothers house because the big bad wolf was there and he would teaar open her blouse and nibble on her nubbins she decided that she would go anyway so off through the woods she went. While she was walking through the woods a racoon stoped her and asked where she was going after she had told the racoon where she was going the racoon told her not to go because the big bad wolf was there and he would tear open her blouse and nibble on her nubbins she decided to continue her trec. when she reached her grandmothers house sure enugh ther was the wolf and he told little red riding hood that he was going to rip open her blouse and nibble on her nubbins. taking this in stride she reached into her basket and pulled out a gun and aimed right between the wolfs eyes then she told the wolf that he wasn't going to nibble on her nubbins he would have to eat her just like the story says. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 08:44:14 LCL From: Jennifer Lee Dockstader Subject: top 10 (?) signs you need sleep This is from a friend of my little brother's. It came out just before their finals at the University of Washington. I loved it and cut it out to post in our apartment, since we were all doing midterms at that time. TOP TEN SIGNS YOU NEED SLEEP 10. You avoid elevators for fear of the muzak putting you to sleep. 9. Those little chairs with a "desk" attached to the side become really damn comfortable. 8. You ask your neighbors Bill and Ed to turn *up* their twenty thousand watt system to keep you awake so you can study later. 7. The twenty thousand watts of bass from next door have a strangely relaxing vibrating massage effect as they rattle your room. 6. While cutting through the museum you stop for a minute and are mistaken for Henry Vazquely's sculpture "Gaunt man at Death's Door." 5. You hear people talking about how Bill slept with Jane last night and the first thing you think is that they actually just slept. 4. You think the Bobbits are hiding under your bed but just roll over and go to sleep anyhow. 3. While walking in the rain, you become disorientated, drop to your knees and begin looking for the soap. 2. You look worse than you feel but don't care anymore and go out anyway. 6. While watching Letterman, you're the only who doesn't groan at the overdone Gilooley and Buttafucco jokes. 5. You use cold espressos instead of milk in your morning Wheaties. 4. You are puzzeled to find your new Costco econosize tub of No-doze is empty while the jar of M&M's you've been scarfing all week is barely touched. 3. The layer of dust on your bed is thicker than that on your "Creative and Fun Integrations" optitional Calc. text. 2. Your eyelids are heavier than Oprah Winfrey on a upswing. 1. You can't even count to ten straight and actually believe you're funny. - by John Weale (tyre@u.washington.edu) ========================================================================= ------------------------------