From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 May 1994 There are 15 messages totalling 582 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Friends, Britons, Countrymen, send us your fleas! What is true love? Here is an illustration of it: 2. SICK JOKE 3. Oldie: You know you a ho when... 4. Almanac Humor: The eternal reward of a miser 5. Clinton Joke 6. The customer is always right 7. Funny things Rush said 8. The Old Man & The Donkey 9. Learning to spell with "Darnell" [1/2] (may offend some) 10. Life 4.B A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89 11. world war I joke [potentially offensive to german people] 12. nun's confession 13. Humor: Dogs & Foxes 14. Top ten Bob Barker Turn Ons 15. Humor: Interesting diagnosis ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 01:03:11 -0500 From: Ian Chai Subject: Friends, Britons, Countrymen, send us your fleas! What is true love? Here is an illustration of it: ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Friends, Britons, Countrymen, send us your fleas! Reuter reported on 20 April 1994 that scientists at a pharmaceuticals firm researching insects wants people to, if they find a flea, "wrap it in adhesive tape, put it in an envelope, and send it to us." They want to figure out exactly when and where Britain's fleas come out and infest dogs and cats. Some fleas jump ten thousand times before finding a host. "After finding a host, they start an orgy of gluttony and sex, dying of exhaustion a week later." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What is true love? Here is an illustration of it: Husband: Who told you to put up that horrible wallpaper? Wallpaper-hanger: Your wife, sir. Husband: Oh. Lovely color, isn't it? This is semi-original: I heard the core of the joke from a sermon, but modified it and tacked on the conclusion. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 09:38:28 GMT-2 From: "Alon D. Ucko" Subject: SICK JOKE What is white, fury and sees stars? A baby seal being clubbed. (I warned you) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 04:47:38 PDT From: Adam Rifkin Subject: Oldie: You know you a ho when... YOU KNOW YOU A HO WHEN...... 1. You've slept with Geraldo Rivera. 2. Arsenio touches your knee. 3. Even Richard Dawson won't kiss you. 4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company. 5. You become a vaseline spokesperson. 6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you. 7. The EPA comes looking for you. 8. You go throught a Sealy (tm) a week. 9. Frederik actaully comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go. 10. When people say "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July. 11. When you don't know "What's his name?" 12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear. 13. You are the headquarters for the CDC. 14. Your baby looks familiar, but......like who? 15. When they change your # to 976. 16. Tetracycline is your best friend. 17. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal". 18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time. 19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day. 20. When you've got a "Take a NUmber" machine at your door. 21. When they call you "Shazam" and they don't mean the money machine! 22. When you get hemrhoids on you shoulders. 23. When getting dresses is not part of your day. 24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over. 25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants. 26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm. 27. When you're wearing more latex than spandex. 28. When your motto is "2 Days, 2 Pounds...$2.90." 29. When your ceing mirrors fog. 30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment. 31. On the golf course, your afraid to yell "Fore (four)." 32. When the word Slalom gets you excited. 33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door. 34. When you have a neon sign saying "open at night". 35. You want to have your name changed to Misty. 36. Madonna comes to you for pointers. 37. You start to think of youself as Smurfette. 38. You haven't seen your floor in a week. 39. When sunlight scares you. 40. When your favorite quote is "next please". 41. You know all the people in "America's Most Wanted". 42. When Susan Sarandon envies you. 43. When Guiness Book starts calling. 44. When every song reminds you of someone...but who? 45. When everyone is refers to you as "dear" and "honey". 46. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink. 47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town. 48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen. 49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights. 50. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon. 51. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot" 52. The Big Dipper looks inviting. 53. When soft foods have become distasteful. 54. White sauce is a staple in your diet. 55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you. 56. When it only taked 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop. 57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency. 58. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend". 59. You and Prince have already made 3 records. 60. When the neighbors want you to install a drive up window. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 10:52:25 EST From: Tommy Hughes Subject: Almanac Humor: The eternal reward of a miser A miser being dead and fairly interred, came to the banks of the river Styx, desiring to be carried over, along with the other ghosts. Charon demands his fare, and is surprised to see the miser, rather than pay it, throw himself into the river and swim over to the other side, notwithstanding all the clamour and opposition that could be made to him. All hell was in an uproar; and each of the judges was meditating some punishment suitable to a crime of such dangerous consequences. "Shall he be chained to the rock along with Prometheus? Or tremble below the precipice in company with the Danaides? Or assist Sisyphus in rolling his stone?" "No," says Minos, "none of these, we must invent some severer punishment, let him be sent back to the earth, to see the use his heirs are making of his riches." (The Federal Almanack for 1795) Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 07:31:00 PDT From: Cox Terry 5741 Subject: Clinton Joke Bill Clinton had his cabinet in for a meeting. He looked around the room and declared "I am tired of every one calling me a whimp." So to prove his manliness he jumped up on his desk, unzipped his pants and pulled out his pecker. He then opened a box on his desk and pulled out a small alligator. The alligator then proceeded to chomp down on bill's Pecker. He was oohing and aahing and generally bearing the pain to show that he wasn't a whimp. He then pulled out a pencil and poked the alligator in the eye and the alligator loosened his grip. Now bill wanted everyone else to prove that they weren't a whimp also and called on al gore to prove his manliness. Al said "OK, Ill do it. But would bill please not poke him in the eye when he was done." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 12:44:39 EDT From: Bill Subject: The customer is always right In this week's Dave Barry column, he writes: A Russian electric company got into a billing dispute and cute off a customer's electricity. This customer, however, happened to be a Russian army arsenal commander who ordered a tank to drive over to the electric company's office and aim its gun at the windows. The electricity was turned right back on. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 13:15:45 EST From: Sim Webster Subject: Funny things Rush said "Did Michelangelo ever use the term knockers? I was just wondering..." "Maybe many of you people out there are tired of me talking (about me). Well, get over it, because that's what we do here." "I have a better receipe for black escape from misery than the civil rights leaderhsip does. You make black people listen to this show." "Columbus saved the Indians from themselves." ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 14:12:00 -0500 From: Sarbjit Sahansra Subject: The Old Man & The Donkey One sunny day an old farmer set out to town to sell his fresh vegetable on his donkey wagon. Just as he got into the town the services at the local church just ended and out came hordes of people and small children. At the sight of this the donkey on this old mans wagon got nervous and decided to take relieve himself. The donkey quickly whipped his foot long "wiener" and began to take a leak. At the sight of this the children just amazed at the sight of such a long penis gather all around the donkey and began to laugh and giggle. Upon hearing all the commotion the police officer assigned to direct traffic came to the old man and complained about all the commotion. The old man simply said there is nothing I can do if these kids stare at my donkey. Well the officer said if you can't get this donkey to "roll up" his penis then I'm going to have to ask you to leave. The old man furiously went over to the donkey and whispered something in his ear and all of a sudden the donkey rolled up his cock. The officer just amazed at what he saw asked the old man what he said to the donkey. The old man replied, I simply told the donkey that if you don't roll up that cock of yours, that fat and hairy officer is going to give you a Blow-Job!!!!! ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 14:53:32 EDT From: Dan Hotopp Subject: Learning to spell with "Darnell" [1/2] (may offend some) LEARNING TO SPELL WITH "DARNELL" [Part 1 of 2] This is "Learning to Spell with Darnell." I be Darnell Jackson, and today we're gonna spell the word__________. Spell it with me now, ____________. Now let's use it in a sentence. Widen: "When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I said, widen you tell me you didn't use no birth control?" Urinal: "After the police broke down my front door last night, they said, Darnell, urinal lot of trouble." Undermine: "There's a fine looking bitch living in the apartment right undermine. Stain: "My sister and brother-in-law stopped by the other day, so I asked them, you plannin on stain?" Sodomy: "When I go out at night, I like to have a bitch on one sodomy and another bitch on the other sodomy." Semen: "I never did know who my papa was cause my mama semen left and right." Seldom: "I had two extra tickets to the basketball game the other night, so I seldom to my friend." Rectum: "I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfriend rectum both." Polyp: "On my way home from the Piston's game the other night, I was involved in a five-car polyp on I-75." Penis: "I saw my parole officer the other day and he handed me a little paper cup and said, here penis. Orgasm: "I asked my cousin Dexter about the death penalty in his state. I asked if they electrocute em, hand, orgasm." Oreo: "I told my friend, Alonzo, if he wanted my sister, he could pay me 50 bucks now oreo me 100 bucks on Friday." Oral: "My friend Sebastian said, give me 25 cents oral blow your head off." Odyssey: "When I got back from the Windsor Ballet, I told my friends, you odyssey the tits on that babe." Menstruate: "With the fashions today you can't keep the women and menstruate." Manual: "I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if you keep messing with that hoe." Letter: "The ugly bitch downstairs came knocking on Darnell's door the other night and I wouldn't letter in." July: "After the trial, my mama asked me, did you tell the truth or July?" Income: "My girlfriend and I just got into bed, when income my wife." Horde: "My mama always did have a bad reputation cause she horde around in her school." Honor: "At our rape trial the judge asked my buddy Jarvis, who be honor?" Homo: "The bitch I'm living with called me at the bar the other night. She said Darnell, honey, are you coming homo what?" ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 14:20:33 PDT From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 4.B A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89 At Calgary, the computer science department has an award called the Williams Cup (as in old stained coffee cup), which is given yearly to the student who hands in the most imaginative rendition of a regular programming assignment. Anyway, as the story goes, the cup was awarded to a student who'd done a desk calculator assignment. Seems that the prof hadn't specified that you had to do it in decimal, so his/her program did math with _roman_numerals_. The clincher for the award must have been his/her programming style, since of course, the documentation was in _latin_ 8-) This tale is true, I was there. The DEC users group here occasionally has Q+A sessions with a rep. of said company which sometimes become complaint and apology sessions. I remember one particular complaint from a Physics professor who claimed that his microVax was having problems with its tk50 tape drive and he had lost a fair quantity of data when the drive allegedly mangled a tape (magnetically, not physically). Some discussion ensued and the professor griped that he also didn't like the way that the screen display "flexed" every time they turned the equipment on next door. It turns out that the "equipment next door" is a largish Tokomak fusion reactor - the electromagnets in the thing have to be seen to be believed. (And this man is a physics professor - phew!) Once upon a time in the MBA factory... About fifty prospective MBAs were learning how to run an IBM PC. The computer lab had a bunch of nice hard-disk equipped machines, with 1-2-3 and dBase and Word, etc, all lined up in front of a video projector. "Today we're going to learn how to use DOS to format a disk. Everybody have their floppy disk ready? Good. Put it into the disk drive. (No no, it goes in the *other* way...that's right....) "Okay, now to format a disk, you use the command FORMAT C:" ...and they all typed it in. The other story says that a customer wanted something fixed for a particular hardware setup for which we had no docs. The problem shouldn't be difficult to solve, but we needed the docs and the customer was really in a hurry. The person in charge of the thing asked the customer if he would be willing to FAX us a certain part of the manuals. After a moment's thought, he answered "OK, but only if you promise to FAX it back!" Some computer-illiterate visitors were shown the CDC6400 at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. One of them asked how does the machine do all these wonderful things; their guide joked that it has a small man inside. While he was speaking, a CDC technician (the late Rachmim Moreno, a small man indeed) has just finished some routine maintenance and stepped out of the machine. Real, real, true, swear-by-God story: A friend of mine was repairing a Russian EC-20 computer in Bangalore, India. He found an insulated wire soldered to a pin of a chip. Looking for the other end, he traced and he traced and he traced - 10 feet of wire, and the other end was soldered to an adjacent chip! As it turned out, they needed a 10 ns delay between the two pins. Heard recently from an IBM field service manager: A huge travel agency in Florida (a major booker of Caribbean cruises for blue-haired retired ladies) recently bought an IBM 3090 to handle the reservation database. When the deal was consummated, the proud new owner asked IBM to install it in a big glass room right behind the receptionist's area so all the customers could see the flashing lights and spinning tape reels as they walked in -- a testimony to the modernity of the agency. Good idea, except there are no blinking lights on a 3090. So the service manager offered to build some. They hired a theatrical designer to come up with a suitably futuristic "set", got curved glass walls to minimize reflections, and installed the mainframe behind the "real-looking" facade. The customer declared that it was exactly what he had in mind, regardless of what the actual computer looks like. Moral: the customer is always right. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 18:03:00 EDT From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: world war I joke [potentially offensive to german people] the trenches were a mere fifty yards apart, but neither side seemed able to gain a significant advantage over the other, and the standoff had gone on for weeks. morale all along the lines was low, incidence of trenchmouth [and foot] was high. finally, Paddy, the only irishman in the ranks of the british, approached his sergeant and asked, "sergeant, what's a really, really common german name?" the sergeant thought for a few seconds and answered, "Fritz." so, paddy went down to one end of the trench and called out across the desolate waste of no-man;s-land, "hey, fritz!" a german soldier popped his head up above ground and called back, "Ja?!" BANG! right between the eyes! paddy goes down the line a few dozen yards, or so, and tries again: "hey, fritz!" "ja?!" BANG! [move down the lines] "hey, fritz!" "ja?!" BANG! this works for quite some time, and paddy is single-handedly decimating the german forces, one by one, all the way down the front. near the end of the trench, however, is a german who sees this coming, and goes to HIS sergeant and asks, "sergeant, vas ist ein really, really, common englisher nomen?" the sergeant thinks and thinks and thinks and finally comes up with, "paddy." so the german soldier goes to the end of the trench and calls out across the desolate waste of no-man;s-land, "hey, paddy!" needless to say, this is NOT a very common name for an englishman, but the german soldier doesn't know this, and is terribly puzzled when no one jumps up to answer him. he, too, goes down the line a few dozen yards, or so, and tries again: "hey, paddy!" no response again. he keeps on trying over and over until he's almost to the other end of his lines. in desperation, he tries one last time: "hey paddy!" "is that you, fritz?" "ja?!" BANG! :) be seeing you, oxo ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 17:07:37 -0600 From: Kerry Vosswinkel Subject: nun's confession This joke is at least 15 years old - hope no-one's seen it recently. Three nuns were going to confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I...I...looked at a man's penis." The priest says, well, sister, God forgives all. Say two Our Fathers and two Hail Marys and go out to the fountain in the courtyard and wash your eyes with holy water. So off she goes. The next nun goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I...I...(gasp!) *touched* a man's penis." The priest says, well, sister, our Lord will forgive you. Say three Our Fathers and four Hail Marys and go out to the fountain in the courtyard and wash your hands with holy water. And outside she goes. Now the third nun goes in to confess. A few minutes later she comes out into the courtyard and says "Step aside, sisters, I have to gargle!" Kerry 8-) ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 21:30:24 EST From: Joe Mole Subject: Humor: Dogs & Foxes Dogs and Foxes by John Ciardi A dog with a tin can tied to its tail is no philosopher but could yet, if only in longest time to never quite, be learning there are more attachments to love than ever puppies reckon when they take their first God by mistake, wriggling--oh don't they wriggle! --their tails, rumps, legs, and everything to lick the manhand, Love, that anytime becomes the hand that ties. Poor dim parishioners of no church at all! I don't much care for love that sells itself to tameness, crawling back to lick the hand that did it. Yes, dogs and boys make out their two parts of one damp valentine, but a man needs to see wild things running, sure of their fear of the manscent, the scar it makes on the first air of creatures, keeping themselves themselves, wary and fast. A fox, I think, is a dog that learned about mankind and lived. ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 22:24:51 -0400 From: "Joshua J. Guers" Subject: Top ten Bob Barker Turn Ons Howdy, fellow HUMORers!!!! It's time for another installment of what I like to call my "Humor". Remember, if ya don't like the subject line, dump it! It won't hurt my feelings! TOP TEN BOB BARKER TURN ONS 10. That microphone of his 9. The "Big Wheel" 8. Spaying and Neutering 7. A "double overbid" in the "Showcase" round 6. That little guy in "Cliffhanger" (ya know, the yodeler) 5. Big brested women who reach into his $100 pocket 4. The way "Come On Down!" makes Rod Roddy's throat wiggle 3. Big guns(sorry that's a turn on of MA Barker) 2. A contestant who knows how to play the "Check Game" 1. Plinko And speaking of "The Price Is Right", I had nothing to do last weekend, so I went into the old files of rejected "Price Is RIght" games and here's one of them I found: CIRCUMCISION--- a contestant had to guess prices of 3 prizes, each within $10. If wrong, a knife came closer to the little guy from "Cliffhanger" 's(ya know the yodeler), well you know. The contestant had 5 chances to win before the yodeler was circumsized. SHOPLIFTERS---- a contestant had to shoplift between $20 and $21 from the "Grocery Game" without being caught. If this last two things offend, I'm very sorry. I didn't do it on porpoise. Yours in a fog, Josh ========================================================================= ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 23:34:19 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Humor: Interesting diagnosis A guy goes to the doctor with tennis elbow. Instead of examining him, the doctor asks for a urine specimen and makes his diagnosis from that. The man is confused so the doctor explains that he has a new machine that can diagnose any physical condition from a single specimen. The doctor prescribes medication and tells the man to come back in a week with another specimen. The man doesn't believe the doctor's machine is for real so he decides to test it. To confuse the doctor, he has his wife and teenage daughter provide the specimen. Then, to confuse things more he masturbates into the bottle. On his way to the doctor he has the brilliant idea of adding a drop of motor oil from his car's dipstick. The doctor analyzed odd looking specimen and called the man into his office. The doctor delivers the grim news to the patient: "your daughter is pregnant, your wife has herpes, your car is about to throw a rod and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow will never heal!" ========================================================================= ------------------------------